Why do they take it personally?

[BadCider]

I consider myself happily childfree.

I've never actively wanted a baby - I assumed I'd get the 'urge' but never did. I love my freedom, never felt anything missing.

Around 10 years ago I needed surgery and during this, another issue was discovered and more tests were carried out; long story short, if I wanted children then I would need IVF and even then the chance would be tiny. I cannot conceive naturally.

I remember thinking phew, that's lucky I don't see myself as a mother because that would be devastating! And carried on with my life.

I'm active and in a lot of groups/clubs and meet lots of new people regularly, and with work I travel a lot and smalltalk is needed. So inevitably I'm asked "do you have kids" quite a lot. By women.

When I answer "no" then 80% of them follow up with "oh did you not want them?"

I've found a huge difference in reaction when I give one of two answers- either I say "I can't have children" and I'm met with sympathy and 'oh I'm so sorry' the conversation changes and the interaction continues warmly.

But if I say "I didn't want children." Then I'm met with 'oh' and it's a noticeably less warm interaction.

My feeling is that it's taken as a personal affront, they're offended that I made a different choice, they think I hate kids (I don't).

But me not having kids doesn't mean I judge them for having them - that would be so ridiculous, everyone is different, we all enjoy different things, have different lives etc.

I just wanted to vent! This happened last night at a group, and I was getting on well with a woman until I said I didn't have kids, didn't want them, (she asked) and she actually just blanked me after that!

Incidentally, my husband is never asked. 🙄

Or r/regretfulparents :(. Even parents who are not regretful but just having a hard time sometimes miss being children. I am sure some childfree people sometimes wish they had kids at times too.

Not entirely sure how sorting all women into those with functioning ovaries and a desire to use them and those without is not shallow. I have kids because I got pregnant, it's not in any way an interesting fact about me.

If someone is childfree by choice, they are very unlikely to regret not having children.

If someone is childless not by choice, they are more likely to have regrets.

@PosterBoy

The thing is I feel sorry for your children having such a narrow minded parent

You seem ghastly

Not regret but there can be times of wistfulness. Just not enough to want children all the time. Again just some childfree people. There was one YouTuber who is generally happy being childfree but says that at Christmas she feels it would be nice.

And parents can miss being childfree or be jealous of childfree people at times without being regretful.

@PosterBoy

If you find any king of conversation with childfree people (or is it just childfree women?) boring, then why are you on thr childfree mumsnetters board?

'Not regret but there can be times of wistfulness. Just not enough to want children all the time.'

I feel exactly the same

It just came up on active convos and seemed to be someone trying to understand the motives for being pretty much blanked. I realised it's something I do so I thought I could offer my perspective. I obviously can't speak for everyone but there's quite a few, imo, misconceptions that it's done because of jealousy (that's really really far from the mark) or other reasons.

I've been surprised that other mothers have posted on here denying that it happens!

It's definitely a thing there's a forum for regretful parents and many parents on there say they don't like talking to child free people, have dropped friends who are childfree and have even gone NC with childfree family members because they can't face that when it's what they want. Parents have admitted being rude to colleagues etc specifically because they're childfree as they hate having to hear about their lives etc.

Hopefully the children won't be childfree!

DH strangely gets it worse than me from colleagues. He didn't want to do overtime recently because we had plans that evening (he picks up a lot of overtime usually). He got called a selfish prick by a female colleague with children for not taking the pressure off her.

I work with mostly men who are fairly ambivalent!

Bli

I see from the urban dictionary that bli means blatant lie. Why not come out and say it.

@PosterBoy

How sad you'll presumably feel disappointed in your children's 'important values' if they don't want to have children themselves.

And yet you continue to post, even though we're all so boring.

Like someone else posted, it's easily searchable on the internet. My example was just one example, there are other forums, posts on Mumsnet and even articles written that are the same\similar.

Yeah… I’m sure CF people are happy with their choice, but I do think this is an invention of a minority that need others to validate their own choices. Idk why. Maybe occasionally as a parent you feel wistful about all the time and flexibility you used to have, or maybe you can become overwhelmed with a newborn and have a moment of self-doubt where you wonder whether you’re really good enough, but not to the extent of regretting your child’s existence. At least, these people are nowhere near as common as you’d expect reading this thread! There aren’t long queues outside of social services of mums who rushed into parenthood without considering it properly desperate to give away their babies. Whisper it but maybe there are a lot of parents who don’t regret having our children at all…

It's not helpful to regretful parents to deny they exist. The less people believe they exist the less help and support. Already on a regretful parents forum and a regretful parents Facebook people are rude and unhelpful and abusive towards people seeking support. It makes regretful parents feel alone and dismissed when people say they don't exist or it's not that bad or people don't really regret their children they're just stressed or whatever.

so your interest in a person begins and ends at whether they're a parent? How bizarre. Surely you have other things you're interested in beyond your kids and being a parent? Music, travel, books, politics, fashion, TV, your general opinions on society... people can have interests in common whether or not they've procreated.

"It looks horrific and I'd hate it" is exactly what I have said to the few people who've dared to ask. If they don't like it they shouldn't have asked!

well now I really want to know what other kinds of people you do this to...

Denying that we don’t blank people out of boredom because we find out one fact about them that’s different to one of our life choices?

Yes I am sure there are some people like you @PosterBoy but they can just simply be described as very rude and unkind people. Full stop.

It is bizarre. What if @PosterBoy was in a situation where she was chatting to someone and they got on really well,had interests in common and then it suddenly came out that they were childless by choice? Would she just turn her back on them?

I don’t assume I won’t get on with people just because they are parents!

@PosterBoy I’m intrigued - are you saying the only people you could have anything in common with at all would be other parents and you couldn’t find anything at all in common with non-parents? You would just cut the conversation dead the moment you find out they don't have kids? How on earth do you build professional working relationships - are you just rude to the non-parents you work with?

Is this some kind of religious thing seeing as you are talking about ‘important values’? I just can’t think of any other reason why someone would be so closed- minded.

Bit disturbing to think @PosterBoy is bringing up children