I am so happy not having kids

[ForestGoblin]

Had an existential wobble but now I'm of an age where the window is closing I'm feeling real alignments with this life.

No life is perfect but I really feel it's a blessing to have had this choice. Thank GOD for living now, when we can really live as our authentic selves.

High five to everyone who is living the old Polonius lifestyle, whatever that looks like for them.

I'd absolutely say the same thing about old people if they were shrieking and behaving in a ghastly manner.

Best not go to bingo then 😂

😂

I may have to make sure I avoid bingo halls to prevent myself from saying the forbidden "G" word.

There is a thread right now in which the OP describes elderly people with dementia as being like "toddlers" because they scream.

My people! Yes. No other responsibilities once my day ends.

Thank you MN for deleting the original reply to my post which was uncalled for. Thanks again.

I don't think we live in very honest times, either. I think that people are more concerned about portraying a lifestyle that they don't really have as opposed to the brutal and boring groundhog day it can be.

Women need to be honest and not give out the same patronising shit as, "you've never felt love like it" and other things said in similar fashion.

Women are predominantly left to raise the children if a dad (look how many women who think they've an equal partnership before TTC end up with a useless louse) decides to piss off. Women should be told, "you might not actually enjoy this period of your life" because its okay to say.
I've a friend who loves kids but couldn't cope with the idea of a newborn again, she hated that stage and I think it's refreshing to hear, tbh.

I also find these threads really insightful as to how people are treated unkindly, from parents. I know there is much competitiveness with other parents, that's their dumb problem for entertaining that shit. But to be rude or feel in someway smug because you've chosen a different path to someone is just grim.

I really am pleased though someone will click through this thread, who doesn't want to have the life of parenthood and can see you've been fully honest and said, "yep, next time around it's not for me".

If there is a reincarnation I think I'd like to be a male capybara next time around 😁

Capybaras are lovely! They are sometimes put with other animals in enclosures in zoos because they are so easy-going.

@Florissante I think this thread has just made me regret all my life choices and simply not just getting a garden and pond to fill with capybaras.

Might go cry hysterically now and wonder how I could have been so stupid 😂

Not to worry! If you have children, trade them in and get capybaras.

Yes the vast majority of the thread has been an honest and frank discussion. I actually enjoyed the window into another life that I could have had if I had made different choices. I di think Motherhood and the need to reproduce is glorified as the most amazing thing you will ever do and life is not complete without kids, I, as a mother of 4 can categorically say that a lot of women regret having children but are too ashamed to admit it for fear of judgement. Not that they don't love their kids but like you say...."yep, next time around it's not for me".
Next time I am coming back as a tortoise with no sex drive :)

Funny. I thought we were just having a conversation @Florissante

Why on earth did you have 4 children then??? If you didn’t enjoy it. Madness.

Not yours, @Remembermynamealways , to be clear.

Because I enjoyed it up to the teenage years when it all went pear shaped.

Being an important part of society doesn't mean someone isn't a burden as well. My mother is definitely a burden for me, her full time carer.

Funny how this person has apparently never seen the threads where women are suicidal because of the burden of their children, whether it's medical issues, developmental, older children with drugs, alcohol etc, the whole gamut. And what about the "you've never been tired until you've had children" line that gets thrown at anyone who's talking about being exhausted for any other reason - does that unmatchable child-induced tiredness suddenly not count as a burden?

A child is never ever a burden

In the census’s 10-year report (2009-2018) 109 (8%) of the total of 1,435 women killed by men were mothers killed by sons while 11 grandmothers were killed by grandsons over the decade.

Never a burden? Are we quite sure on that?

Those stats relate to ‘men’

I'm pretty sure that men that grow up to kill their mothers don't suddenly become problematic the moment they turn 18

Do you honestly think the teenage years were a breeze for those mothers?

However if it helps we have evidence of father's possibly finding children a burden:

of 59 parricides: 34 of the victims were mothers, 25 were fathers. (Fathers who are victims of parricides are more likely to be younger and killed by sons in their teens and 20s

Are we allowed to admit that these father's might have found their teenage sons who killed them a burden?

How sad that so many children are killed by their parents/step parents and so many parents are killed by their children. And that's without taking into account cases where its 'just' abuse from parents to children or children to parents or parents abandoning their children or just disinterested parents. Clearly not everyone should be a parent and people who say things like everyone should have children/you're selfish if you don't have children/no one regrets their children/it's different when it's your own should consider the children that will be born. Everyday on mumsnet we hear from people who have bad relationships with their parents, were hit, neglected, walked out on, treated badly, all kinds of things and still some people think everyone should have children without considering some people who have had them shouldn't have.

That is a very good point.

Theres a lot of adults right now untangling themselves from childhood trauma because their parents had kids when they really weren’t capable of being decent parents.

That’s why I never understand putting pressure on people to have children who don’t want them. No child deserves to be unwanted. We should encourage people to have self awareness and really think about if they want kids and if they’d actually be able to be decent parents. It’s also not just a matter of wanting kids- it’s a matter of being able to give a child all that they need to thrive.

Lots of people grow up in abusive or neglectful homes- both physically and emotionally- and suffer the consequences of that into adulthood. Imagine if we lived in a society where people were actively encouraged to see children as an option rather than a natural progression.

I suspect we’d have less traumatised adults.

'It’s also not just a matter of wanting kids- it’s a matter of being able to give a child all that they need to thrive'

Couldn't agree more. Theres a lot of magical thinking that goes on about how it will all be 'fine' when the baby arrives and 'it will all come naturally', as if having a baby can only ever be a good thing and everybody in the situation will automatically thrive. That's just reckless. Having a baby is the absolute worst thing you could do in some situations, for everyone involved, especially the baby

I feel very strongly that we should be talking more as a society about being childfree, and how it can be a great positive lifestyle. Most people will still choose to have children, and that's great, but it might make it less likely that people sleepwalk into parenthood as the automatic 'next step'.

Nobody is obliged to have children. Some of us are self aware enough to know it would be a bad idea. There are enough horror stories in the press about those who lack that ability.

I've found over the years that parents who regret having kids seem to find it easier to talk to childfree people about it. It does seem like it's the last taboo to admit that you wish you didn't have children and wish that you had made different choices.

As a pp said there is a lot of magical thinking around having kids. The whole, there's no love like it, your life will be technicolour, you won't regret it to the basic you'll have someone to wipe your arse when you can't anymore.

Maybe if women were told the truth, that actually it can be pretty shit and your life may change for the worst rather than better - then there may be more people making properly informed decisions.

Most childfree people have put more thought into not having children than most people who have them. Why is that? Why is having children seen as the norm, whilst not having them is seen as a deviation? If we apply that to any other situation in life then it shows just how insane that thinking is.

At risk of being flamed, but to me it seems that the parents who claim that we are bitter and jealous....are actually the ones who are bitter and jealous themselves. After all, your lifestyle is the socially acceptable one....ours is the one that is wrong and that we have to constantly defend.....