I am so happy not having kids

[ForestGoblin]

Had an existential wobble but now I'm of an age where the window is closing I'm feeling real alignments with this life.

No life is perfect but I really feel it's a blessing to have had this choice. Thank GOD for living now, when we can really live as our authentic selves.

High five to everyone who is living the old Polonius lifestyle, whatever that looks like for them.

A huge part of my choosing not to have kids was that I lived through what happens when someone who didn’t want to do it feels they should and so does it anyway. It’s cost me tens of thousands of pounds and two decades to get my life vaguely stable.

Parents that hit and kill are statistically uncommon (thank God), but MN handwaves away the many absolutely incompetent parents creating absolute havoc for young, vulnerable developing minds. Emotional inadequacy just doesn’t exist for many - it’s all “once baby arrives it’ll all work out” and “you never regret having children” and “children are a blessing and bring joy”.

It’s the flip side of people thinking that mums are automatically more selfless, mature, empathetic people because they’ve had kids. Having kids is wonderful so the people who have them must be wonderful too (and the people who don’t must not be).

Most childfree people have put more thought into not having children than most people who have them. Why is that? Why is having children seen as the norm, whilst not having them is seen as a deviation? If we apply that to any other situation in life then it shows just how insane that thinking is

Absolutely bang on.

Parents that hit and kill are statistically uncommon (thank God), but MN handwaves away the many absolutely incompetent parents creating absolute havoc for young, vulnerable developing minds. Emotional inadequacy just doesn’t exist for many - it’s all “once baby arrives it’ll all work out” and “you never regret having children” and “children are a blessing and bring joy”.

This. It's insane. Whenever someone posts about wanting a baby, however unfavourable their circumstances there's always some idiot who says "go for it! you won't regret it! No one ever regrets having a child!" and "ending up childless " is always portrayed as the worst thing possible. Well for many of us it isn't.

And when someone posts about relationship issues and they are either pregnant or they have children posters are very quick with the "why did you have kids with him" whilst totally ignoring the fact that maybe the "childfree women are selfish and going to die alone with no one to wipe their arses because their life is worth less" narrative is the reason some mothers get pregnant in unsuitable relationships

Because they are scared not to because they have been told they will never know real joy and love and they won't be a complete person until they have had a baby.

Maybe if we stopped telling women the only time they will really know love is when they have a baby they would stop settling for relationships with men who don't love them.

A lot of older adults now were raised by mothers at a time when women had more societal pressure, fewer choices and less alternatives to the norm of marriage and children.

My mum was not a natural mother and I'm sure if she'd lived now she would have chosen to be child free.

So would mine I think.

Mine told me she would be (and that she didn’t want grandkids).

Are we sisters? Same here.

I‘ve wandered over here after stumbling across this board yesterday. It’s eye-opening. A level and type of viciousness and personal attacks from a few posters that you don’t really find elsewhere on MN (except the Meghan and Harry threads, sometimes).

Anyhow, to those who are peri- or post-menopausal, or really those women who felt broody at any point and went on to deliberately not have children: was this a case of mind over matter for you? Did you ever feel a mental vs physical battle internally, as though your hormones were competing with your intellect? I did (hormones won!) and I’m still reeling from the shock of that outcome many, many years down the line. I’m rational, logical, pragmatic almost to a fault in every aspect of my life. I just cannot believe I succumbed to the din of hormones crashing around my body. It’s totally uncharacteristic.

Just curious whether others maybe didn’t suffer the effects of hormones as overwhelmingly as I did; or did and managed to keep a tight rein on them?

'those women who felt broody at any point and went on to deliberately not have children: was this a case of mind over matter for you? Did you ever feel a mental vs physical battle internally, as though your hormones were competing with your intellect?'

In a word, yes! I felt the longing, the pining, the ache, the emptiness - all of that. Part of me really REALLY wanted a baby. I'll never know how much was hormones and how much was wanting to 'fit in' and be part of a group. My relationship with my own birth family was also disintegrating at the time, it was intensely painful and I'm sure it added to the sense of longing to create a family of my own

I knew deep down that the reality of parenting was not for me, and I was very scared that I would regret it hugely. It was BLOODY tough but I'm so glad I followed my head and not my gut

I'm so sorry to hear that it's a struggle @sheworemellowyellow

I'm 35 so not peri-menopausal, but I have had a couple of wobbles in the past two years due to external factors - a mum with advanced cancer and the existential crisis that brought on, feeling a bit aimless and unmoored for other reasons, and finding out that yet another friend who had been ambivalent about having children was now pregnant.
I haven't succumbed so far: I know that a baby is not the solution to my identity crisis, and what a burden to put on a tiny person. I know I feel nothing but relief to get away from other people's kids. I know I hate feeling tied down, and that I would make a very poor and impatient mother. I wasn't craving a baby so much as a huge life event that would throw everything in the air and help me find myself again. I hope that if hormones do kick in at some point, this practice crisis will help me weather it!
I'd like to know how you feel about giving in to the hormonal urges. I imagine life has changed hugely for you as a result of that decision, and there are probably mixed feelings around it?

Thank you for sharing this. It really is a huge and arguably more difficult and brave decision NOT to succumb in the circumstances you describe. Women are bloody amazing. So much more so than men 😀. It sits very right that you are reaping the rewards of that decision in the form of an absence of regret.

It’s interesting to me that you mention a disintegrating relationship with your birth family as you went through this. I’m sorry that happened to you. One of my siblings experienced exactly the same at the same juncture of their life; that resulted in a firm resolution not to have children. We don’t talk about it much; I think the family ructions made the whole thing too painful. I don’t know if they feel regret. I hope not.

This is exactly how I felt at your stage (aimless, unmoored, finding myself, existential questioning, craving a huge life event to throw everything in the air - I recognise this absolutely). You don’t sound, however, as though your right-thinking brain is as deafened by the hormonal ruckus as mine was. You have a degree of self-awareness that I had before and after, but which totally vanished during “the madness” (as DH and I refer to the 5-year period where I was overtaken by chemicals).

How I felt and do feel about giving into those urges had changed over time. Initially, I was deeply resentful. I felt as though I’d been held hostage by an invisible hand forcing these hormones into my body and berated myself for not fighting them off. I resented the lack of control. My pregnancies were difficult, the second one life-changingly so. Other choices I’d made also led to babies wreaking untold havoc on my career and earning prospects. Further, it turns out I don’t much like babies or toddlers (including my own) and I have the patience and tolerance of a 3 year old child myself.

Now that those years are far behind me, my feelings have changed. I accept my body for all the things it has done to and for me. It’s the only one I have, it is what it is. No point hating it or resenting it. Moreover, the violent physical brutality (as it was for me) of procreating has made me a softer, more compassionate and understanding person. I’m amazed I’m still going - and so many women have it so much worse than me. I feel I’ve learned a lot.

As for life with children: all the cliches apply to me. Life in black and white, hardest thing but most rewarding thing blah blah. BUT, I think that if I hadn’t succumbed or if I’d not been able to have children, I would have found my way. There are a couple of life paths I yearn for, which are entirely incompatible with motherhood. Was it worth it and do I regret lost opportunities? Ask me on my deathbed, life has an unending capacity to shock and surprise!

Good luck with your decision. I’m placing a sort of maternal (ha!) virtual arm around your shoulder (selfishly, as my own younger shoulder). Keep stable and have faith in yourself. These can be stormy years, but calm does follow.

Anyhow, to those who are peri- or post-menopausal, or really those women who felt broody at any point and went on to deliberately not have children: was this a case of mind over matter for you? Did you ever feel a mental vs physical battle internally, as though your hormones were competing with your intellect?

Categorically no. For context, I'm a couple of years off 50 now and probably peri. I neve had any internal battle whatever, my logical thoughts and emotions were apparently entirely aligned in a hard no towards procreating.

My hormones certainly came into play and made me want and have lots of sex. Looking back at some of my choices of sexual partner in my twenties, my hormones did beat my intellect at the time but I certainly didn't want to breed with any of them.

I've never experienced the sensation of broodiness at all.

Anyhow, to those who are peri- or post-menopausal, or really those women who felt broody at any point and went on to deliberately not have children: was this a case of mind over matter for you? Did you ever feel a mental vs physical battle internally, as though your hormones were competing with your intellect? I did (hormones won!) and I’m still reeling from the shock of that outcome many, many years down the line. I’m rational, logical, pragmatic almost to a fault in every aspect of my life. I just cannot believe I succumbed to the din of hormones crashing around my body. It’s totally uncharacteristic

Nope. Never had any maternal instinct/bloodiness/ hormone rush whatsoever. I’m mid-40s now and doubt it will happen at this stage, but even if it does I’ve been sterilised so there’s no going back!

*broodiness, not bloodiness!

@sheworemellowyellow I have a bit of a different experience in that I entered full menopause in my early 30s after an emergency hysterectomy. I’d never had a single biological urge by then and I still haven’t (though I don’t know if menopause has stopped that from happening). I’m not entirely sure that every woman experiences those urges - I have a few CF friends who are older (because my life circs mean I’ve more in common with them than my peers) and they all say they never felt it.

I’m so sorry it’s a struggle for you. It must be so hard.

It’s so interesting to me to hear from women who have never experienced broodiness. I’m thinking an analogy would be a nymphomaniac learning about how asexual people feel! An exaggeration probably. But analogous.

Thanks for your kind words @fitzwilliamdarcy but I need to say I feel no struggle. I’m quite phlegmatic about it all. My life could have gone this way or that - and it went this way. I have experienced immense and intense joy from motherhood, it’s not been a bad experience for me. It’s that I felt I had no choice in it, that my body was hijacked and I had no agency. It wasn’t a well-considered, planned and thought out decision. I was driven to it. This is so unlike every single other aspect of me and my life that it’s still a shock that that happened to me. It makes me think about people in other contexts who use similar language: people with anger management problems describing the red mists descending, people who commit criminal acts who talk about being driven to the act and not being in their right minds or in control
of themselves. The loss of control and reproductive continence doesn’t help me mourn the life I could have had. I would have loved a solitary life, it appeals to me on a really basic, elemental level.

But everything in context: we are healthy and comfortable, live in peaceful times in a stable society, I really have nothing to complain about. There are so many women who long to bear children and can’t, my sympathies in this context are reserved for them. My situation is very much a privileged one.

At 49, I’m terribly thankful I never experienced broodiness. Having kids would never have been the right choice for me.

I'm another one who never experienced broodiness, and won't do now as I am mid-50s. Looking at babies leaves me cold, I have no wish to hold them. I like giving a toddler a cuddle and playing games, but then once they start speaking properly I don't know how to interact with them, so that's it pretty much until they are set to go to university.

Animals on the other hand, I am completely soft about. I'm not sure why I skipped the love of babies, maybe just from never being around them growing up?

@sheworemellowyellow, your posts have fascinated me. I was happily childfree till I was 39, but thought having a child might be interesting, especially when I considered it so out of character for someone like me, who was and is so work-focused and hates routine. Fortunately it has been interesting. DS is 11 and fabulous. But I can’t imagine what you’re describing. I think I’ve always lived very much from the neck up.

Yes this is me! While I will concede I have seen some cute kids, I find them very much the exception. I don’t want to be near children let alone hold babies! Fluffy puppies in the other hand…I have different emotional reactions to child and animal disaster stories as well. Obviously I appreciate how terrible it is when children are caught up in a war or abused, but nothing hits me right in the feelings like an Instagram video of a puppy with three legs being rescued from a bin

Another one who never experienced broodiness, not remotely. My maternal feelings are stirred solely by cats. I've never been interested in, much less wanted, a baby or child - didn't like them when I was one. I'm well past menopause. All it did was kill off what little libido I had left and make my formerly excellent memory crap.

No broodiness here either. I like children when they're talking and we can have a lively imaginative chat about dinosaurs, or space, or their latest obsession with lego. The first whine or noxious smell gets them passed back to Mamma or Papa.

Cats and dogs however....I'll pick up their poo, no issue.

I am broody over kittens on a daily basis. Human babies, there was one afternoon about 5 years ago where DH and I were drunk and decided to do it. That idea had passed by the time we got home 😂