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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

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Original poster

I am so happy not having kids

282 replies

ForestGoblin · 08/08/2023 10:13

Had an existential wobble but now I'm of an age where the window is closing I'm feeling real alignments with this life.

No life is perfect but I really feel it's a blessing to have had this choice. Thank GOD for living now, when we can really live as our authentic selves.

High five to everyone who is living the old Polonius lifestyle, whatever that looks like for them.

OP posts:
CleverLilViper · 10/08/2023 10:10

I love this thread.

I had a recent wobble but I’ve come back around and am now happy with my choice. Looking forward to the time when it’s biologically impossible for me to bear kids so people will stop asking.

I used to think I wanted one because I love spending time with my nephew who is still a baby. Then I realised it’s very different when you know you can hand them back when they get loud or smelly or I get bored.

Nothing affirms my choice to not have kids more than walking down the street on a Saturday morning and hearing the kids shrieking from inside their homes. I can almost feel my ovaries shrivelling up and dying in response.

I love the fact that we’ve got parents on this thread acknowledging that being a parent isn’t for everyone. I think a lot of people benefit when parents are honest about their experience of parenting because I’m sure many of us have had people try and coax us into it with how great it is and magical. So it’s good to hear the other side as well.

Combusting · 10/08/2023 10:17

Poontangle · 10/08/2023 06:33

Oh god, absolutely.

The freedom and ability to have lots of lovely sex and no ghastly children makes us the luckiest women who have ever lived. I'm grateful for it every day.

Another one. Is it okay to say “Ghastly old people”? But I gather it’s somehow less offensive to say “ghastly children”….

KimberleyClark · 10/08/2023 10:19

*I used to think I wanted one because I love spending time with my nephew who is still a baby. Then I realised it’s very different when you know you can hand them back when they get loud or smelly or I get bored.”

I hear you. I think it was spending time with my nephew that made me realise I was better off not having one of my own. He’s a strapping teen now and I love him dearly but my goodness it was so wonderful to get back to my calm peaceful home.

JamSandle · 10/08/2023 10:19

I still have time to have kids, but seeing friends of mine who've had kids, it looks like a long hard slog. They've all told me not to do it and that they wouldn't do it again.

Not sure how common that is or if my friends are just of a particular ilk in that way. The teen years have been particularly brutal for many of them, especially helping children navigate things like the working world, preparing for AI, surviving financially with cost of living etc.

It's hard unless you have money to launch kids into the world in a way that offers quality of life. Many of them struggle with this.

Combusting · 10/08/2023 10:20

For instance I know of some colleagues who are genuinely frayed looking after parents with debilitating illness or just old age in their homes. Not for me. Too much self sacrifice involved! I would perhaps articulate that in a way somewhat different to “I hate oldies” or “ghastly old people”. But we appear to have more tolerance for this sort of thing about children as an age group.

(By the way I say this as the very frayed parent of a 7 and 3 year old who’s trying to someone juggle their shrieks (which I dislike!) and a senior career role, so I absolutely get the broader sentiment)

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 10/08/2023 10:20

The similarities between the young and the elderly are stiking I think. They are human but they are not quite like us, yet most of us will be both as well as the us we are now. Weird to think about.

Anyway yes to thine own self be true. Doesn't matter who said it, it's the path to contentment. Some people love having kids and good for them but it doesn't make it the way to happiness for everyone. Adult life is #bliss.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 10/08/2023 10:47

Oh yes I hear you. I just feel like I’ve dodged a really disruptive, chaotic and life-ruining bullet. Nearly 34 so my hormones keep giving me fleeting moments of “maybe it wouldn’t be so bad” but on a rational, intellectual, emotional and practical level I absolutely do not want kids so I’m hoping my womb pipes down soon. I don’t even like kids, I’d never voluntarily choose to spend time around them. The screaming and shrieking makes me murderous.

DayS81 · 10/08/2023 11:46

Totally agree. I am child free, and while I love my nephews and the kids of my best friend, I am very glad my partner and I do not have them. Like someone in this thread, I am glad I am of the age where people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. Although we are not married, so we do get that question a lot. I don't need to be married to have a happy and healthy relationship.

Lottapianos · 10/08/2023 11:50

'I just feel like I’ve dodged a really disruptive, chaotic and life-ruining bullet.'

I feel exactly the same. I absolutely longed for kids for many years but always knew deep down that I wasn't cut out for the reality. I can't imagine feeling peaceful or fulfilled if I was a parent and I'm very grateful that I made the choice I did, even though it felt like a huge loss that I had to grieve

orangegato · 10/08/2023 11:52

I love this thread. I am so content not blowing my life into smithereens.

I enjoy silence, eating what I want going where I want and when.

TheGreenSketch · 10/08/2023 11:58

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Original poster
ForestGoblin · 10/08/2023 12:01

"There is no more somber enemy of good art than the pram in the hall"

I'm no artist anyway but I like not having to pour myself into anyone else.

OP posts:
wherethewaterisdarker · 10/08/2023 12:06

I completely endorse the sentiment on this thread of celebrating child free life, but the overtly anti-children comments upset me. It’s not ok to make hateful statements about children, in the same way it’s not ok to make hateful statements about any vulnerable group in society. It’s completely normalised and of course they can’t fight back, but it’s morally wrong. Had to say that!

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 10/08/2023 12:09

I don't agree. Children put a burden of discomfort on adults. It's ok to be annoyed about that. Although the society that structures itself in this way is to blame imo rather than individual children.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestGoblin · 10/08/2023 12:10

(my own view is influenced by remembering being a child and hating being a child cos it was rubbish - so I do have compassion for both children and parents!)

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 10/08/2023 12:15

'Children put a burden of discomfort on adults. It's ok to be annoyed about that.'

Personally, I really enjoy spending time with (most) children but I completely understand why some adults just can't stand being around them and want nothing to do with them. They're noisy, messy, demanding, unpredictable and of course that's not everybody's cup of tea!

ladeluge · 10/08/2023 12:20

There appears to be a bit of martyrdom involved with having children by some parents. But on the surface they project this on to us child free people with guilt trips about our choices. I'd say a good number of them are very envious of us TBH.

Parenting must be exhausting, and it lasts as long as you are alive too, the worry, the cajoling, the expense, the lack of freedom, the counselling, and so on. Never ends.

What I have is freedom. No kids, no pets. I can do what I want at the drop of a hat.

My nieces and nephews are adorable, for max one hour, but then again the older ones are very kind to me. They have a rich auntie after all. Tut Tut me!

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 10/08/2023 12:21

I do a lot of babysitting. I enjoy being with children for short times. But I’ve never wanted my own.

I enjoy handing them back and not having to deal with tantrums, making meals they won’t eat, having to cut days out short as they’re tired and being able to lie in when I want!
I have a lovely group of women friends who have no interest in discussing kids!

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:21

It's great you're happy but why the need to post? You don't need to justify your choice.

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:23

People don't justify having children afterall. Op and everyone on these this thread you don't need to.

GotMooMilk · 10/08/2023 12:29

I think it’s great to be glad you’re childfree but labelling children a burden seems unfair. Children aren’t a burden, like the elderly, disabled etc aren’t a burden. They’re an important part of society.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 10/08/2023 12:30

musixa · 10/08/2023 07:50

I often think this if I see a parent having to cope with a crying/whining child in a public place. Say it's a train and they're sitting opposite, mildly annoyed by the noise, I'm thinking 'thank goodness I can get off in two stops' time and get away from this!' and imagining how awful it would be never to be able to get away but to have this noisy, demanding little person constantly at my side.

Absolutely this! I can be extremely tolerant around kids because I know I can get away from them.

I couldn’t have anyone else living with me though, regardless of age. Cats yes. Humans no.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 10/08/2023 12:32

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:23

People don't justify having children afterall. Op and everyone on these this thread you don't need to.

Are you sure there are never any threads on MN asking why people had kids / celebrating being parents?

ChurlishGreen · 10/08/2023 12:33

ForestGoblin · 10/08/2023 12:01

"There is no more somber enemy of good art than the pram in the hall"

I'm no artist anyway but I like not having to pour myself into anyone else.

That was Cyril Connolly being misogynistic, actually. Babies (forced upon the unwilling male artist by women) being the enemy of male artistic productivity. He wasn’t thinking of unsung women artists bogged down in nappies.

I haven’t found it so, personally. I was contentedly childfree till just before turning 40, when I had my son. I wrote my first novel on maternity leave, and in fact I’ve been more productive since having DS (now 11) than beforehand. As have quite a number of writer/artist friends, actually. Maternity leave was a refreshing step out of the work world for me, and made me think about what I actually wanted in life, and gave me the push I needed to prioritise my writing, get an agent etc.

Not having a child with an asshole, if you have a child, is key, obviously.

I was happily childfree for far longer than I’ve been a parent, and respect and get why women choose not to have children, but it hasn’t been my experience that it’s had a negative impact in terms of my creativity. Paid for childcare crystallises things!

One of my novelist friends did refer to her kids’ pushchair as ‘the Enemy’, though. Grin

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:36

'Are you sure there are never any threads on MN asking why people had kids / celebrating being parents?'

I don't know, in my experience it just seems people who choose not to have children feel the need to justify it due to societal expectations. I am yet to see a thread labelled "I'm so happy I had children."