Childfree only child

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello folks,

I was wondering if anyone here is an only child and / or if they know of any older people who have gone through life as a childfree only child and been ok?

This is the situation I find myself in (I'm 36 and I think very unlikely to have children) and recently it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm not overly concerned about old age in terms of care (I have a very good financial buffer and obviously you can't rely on children to provide it anyway) but how on earth do you deal with the lack of connection without family (I do hope to have my partner for a long time though). Can you really make a 'family' of your own through community connections (volunteering etc) as some seem to suggest?

I'm feeling really sad about the rest of my life at the moment. There is some good (a lovely partner and financial security) but society seems so geared towards families, that I'm feeling increasingly scared and like I don't belong.

Thank you for reading.

I'm a 59 year old childfree only child, with, like you, a lovely partner and financial security. I imagine life would be a lot harder without both of those, but as it is, I feel really fulfilled and don't at all feel I've missed out on anything. Most of my friends are childfree, and if anything, our lives have got happier as we've got older (job security, general confidence etc.) I would guess that a lot of people with children don't feel like society is geared enough towards them, what with horrendous COL etc. And of course, a cliche, but a true one is that even if you did have sibs/children, they might not be the companions you would want. Good luck, anyway!

@VeryQuaintIrene Thank you. That is very reassuring. I think part of my problem is that I am currently transitioning from being young to more middle aged, and having never experienced the latter before, it's hard to anticipate how I might feel about life then (if that makes sense). I like what you say about gaining confidence (that's something I lack at the moment, I think).

May I ask how you made your childfree friends?

A lot of them are from college, and one major reason why we've remained so tightly-knit might actually be that we don't have children and are freer to enjoy each other's company. I also have work friends and choir friends but probably my closest ones are all the amazing women I met when I was 19. We've grown up in a cohort together over the past 40 years.

@VeryQuaintIrene Ah I see, thank you. I must admit, I don't really have anyone from school or college days. I think I need to work on making some new friends now (I guess later is better than never). I do enjoy music, so that is a possible avenue.

Do you have any cousins or members of your extended family in your life?

My great-aunt (childless and an only child) was my grandfather's cousin, but he treated her like a sister. She was always included in our family (we spent Christmas and Easter with her, she came on holidays abroad with one or other of us, plus normal visits). She had family support, contact and love from all of us. I named my son in honour of her father that's how deeply I loved and respected her.

Neighbours and friends can also play the role of family. As long as you seek connection beyond your partner, you will always have people who care about you around you.

Music is a really good idea. Some sort of evening class or something like that as well?

@MissEDashwood19 Thank you for your reply. I do have a couple of cousins, but we have never been close. To be honest, one of them I don't even like very much, as I thought he was quite disrespectful to our grandmother when she was dying.

Therefore I think it is connections with friends and / or neighbours I need to seek.

@VeryQuaintIrene Yeah, I think so. I am thinking of perhaps dedicating myself to learning my instrument so well that I could perhaps run my own classes in my later years!

@Strawberriesandpears That sounds brilliant - I hope you do! What's your instrument, if it's not too revealing?!

@VeryQuaintIrene Thank you. It's the ukulele.

That's a wonderful instrument for playing in groups!

Sorry this came up in active threads but it home with me as I’m an only child with little family. It’s one of the main reasons I decided to have children, to create my own family. BUT over the years I have also put the effort into friendships and created friend circles who are now very close and are like family to me. We share special events and go on holidays, and this started long before children came along. I agree with pps, find some good friends and create your own family you can share your life with as you all get older.

I have honestly never felt the society being geared towards families thing. If there's a family fun day or something on at my local park, well that's just something that isn't of interest to me, the same as if it was a classic car rally or exhibition of model trains.
Family is whatever you decide it is, whether that's you and DP, or friends, neighbours etc.

Am currently in a situation where a good friend has cancer in hospital and only has her Mum and cousin as family. Believe me, she has non stop visitors and friends who care and we are all there for her. Blood may be thicker than water but not always the case for commitment when needed. Her hundreds of friends are family as well, probably more so than some family members could ever be in many situations. X

Not the same thing, but similarities.

My DNan had three DC by the time she was 21. In the fifties, she was the housewife. Grandad brought in not a great wage, but they managed. He didn't want to travel (never left the country) and she became just "mum" and his wife. Then all us grandkids came along, and she just became default childcare for the 6 of us. For years. She never complained. She toed Grandad's line of a very simplistic life, again never complaining. I love her. And now I'm older have so much respect for her. We all thought she was happy. And it's why I have never asked my own parents to have my DC, and have paid for nursery.

When grandad died, she was in her 70s and we were all grown, there was no childcare. Almost overnight she changed. Booked holidays abroad with her friends. Went to America! Joined a history class, a choir, the WI, a walking group, took up gardening. All things she was never allowed to spend "his" money on. For all those years. Her social calendar puts mine to shame. And in fact, I simply couldn't do the things she does because I'm looking after my children. She has a date out with friends every day. Often one for lunch then another to go to the theatre, or a painting class or something the same evening.

Right now, she's mid eighties and on a walking holiday on the coast.

I guess my point is, she loves us all. But you can clearly see what she wants to do with her life, the person she really is, vibrant, full of friends, so many interests. It exhausts me just thinking about it. And her being the 50s housewife with my mum, and siblings, kept her from that. Then they all let her look after all of us grandkids, so we kept her from that. They, and subsequently us, took 30yrs of her life. And look what she did, the very minute she was able too. She spent the little money she had on them, then us. And I feel so much guilt for it, now I see the woman she really is.

I completely overcompensate now, I take her everywhere I can. I buy her stupid expensive jewellery, bags, clothes because she's never had any, and she deserves the world. We go for lunches at places she has never been able to try. 5 years ago, she had her first Thai and has it regularly now. Every time we do something new, it breaks my heart to hear "oh this is lovely, why have I never tried this before?" And I think of how little time she has left to enjoy the things she always deserved but sacrificed without a word of complaint.

So I guess, what I'm saying to you, is whilst children may not be in your journey, and some things have moved on since the 50s, some things haven't. you have the opportunity to be "Nan" from age 36. Live your life xx

If it helps Op I wasn't an only child but my DB passed away and I'm NC with my older sister so having siblings isn't always the answer. Get out in the world and make a life for yourself, there's lots of other people in your situation who'd like to be your friend, you just need to go and find them

Thanks for all the replies folks!

@VeryQuaintIrene It definitely is. Lots of fun too!

@Overthebow Thank you. That's great to hear - I definitely need to make more friends. I think ideally I would have had my own children too, however I simply never found anyone I wanted to be in a relationship with until now.

@thedevilinablackdress Yeah, I think you are right! It's just stupid things really - I hear an advert on the radio for the 'top rated family car', at the seaside it's always 'family amusements', in the supermarkets all the big packs are 'family size' etc. What if I just want to eat a load of crisps myself?! 😂

@Jeannie88 Thank you for sharing this and wishing your friend all the very best!

@InceyWinceySpidy Thank you. I loved reading this! What an interesting take on the situation. Your Nan sounds like an amazing lady and I wish her all the very best and many more happy years of adventures!

@Daleksatemyshed Thank you for sharing this and so sorry to hear of the sad situation with your siblings. Wishing you all the very best.

Placemarking to come back as having one of those days but - childfree only child who's chosen to be long term single here (9 years and counting!). I'm 37 and my friends are wonderful. I plan to retire with one of them, and apart from my parents, my best support has always come from my friends over my family or my previous partners. Friends both childfree and with children made mainly from old jobs, through my business and through hobbies.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug and hoping I'll have time to come and read and contribute properly shortly x

I'm effectively an only child - my siblings are much older than me, I haven't spoken to my brother in forty years and my sister lives far away (and moved out when she was 17). I never wanted children or a partner. I'm 60 and live in a retirement village with my mother, as her carer. I've never had family I was really connected to, or friendships that lasted beyond about five years (circumstances always changed and we'd lose contact). I have plenty of friendly acquaintances but that's it.

I have a brother but we have no relationship at all. No animosity, we're just very different people. I don't actually know if he wants children but he's nearing 40 and single so seems unlikely. My mum is my only real family.

I do sometimes worry I'll be lonely in old age but that's nothing to do with my childfreeness. I've enough experience in care homes and sheltered housing to know most elderly parents don't see their children regularly.

We just have to put effort into maintaining friendships I think.

Hi Icy, I feel you're looking at this a bit negatively. Maybe she also enjoyed parenting and loved being with all of you as well, don't you think? Life isn't black and white, and a person isn't defined by simply what they have time for. Being a Mummy, granny could also be "real" sides of her, as well as the social her. I'm a parent and I do have hobbies and sometimes I don't have time for them. I don't suddenly become "real" when I have time and can do my hobbies. I'm always real, if you know what I mean. Personality is defined by not hobbies but by attributes like being loving, care, being curious, optimistic, having a sense of humour etc. You may not be parachuting but can still have these attributes while you're cooking for the kids!
The dh preventing her from enjoying life is a different story of course. So if she was a mom and housewife not by choice and had zero desire to be so and was bitter as a result and you saw a personality shift that's different.

My husband is an only without children, and though i have a brother, he lives in another country and I don’t really have much to do with him. It has not worried me at all but I am introverted and can enjoy my own company for a very long time. We have a couple close friends, and that is enough. I’d cultivate friendships

@1967buglet Thank you. I am struggling a bit today, so it was nice to have a new reply to the thread.

You are right - I really do need some new friendships. I do have a lot of interest and passions (some of them quite quirky and unusual) so I should be able to find like minded people who I can connect with.

I am an introvert too and am definitely happy with my own company. It's more that I just feel that everyone needs a bit of emotional support (especially for example, if something happens to their partner) and in my family (in the older generations), that always seems to have come from a brother or sister. I am the only person in my family (and in my generation) who is an only child, so I don't feel like anyone else understand what I feel because they all have that 'protection' of a sibling (although as you point out, having a sibling is no guarantee of help and support).

Ī'm a childfree only child, and my only real support system is my exDH, who lives in another town. I like my own company and don't get lonely. I do have friends, but they have their own families. I came to terms long ago with the fact that I am basically on my own should anything happen to me - that's just the way it is. So far I've been okay - I'm almost 64.