Feeling guilty about my baby being a childcare kid

[BakersKitchen]

I’m currently pregnant and feeling down about that fact that I will have to return to work full time albeit I have had a 9 day fortnight agreed.

Well I suppose technically I don’t have to return full time. DH and I could stay in our current house which is a tiny 3 bed (70sqm) with only one parking space and not particularly nice neighbours.

We want to move and we want a proper family house and to be able to host the big family Christmas. We want space for toys (new house will have a playroom) and the ability to grow as DC get older (new house has an annexe which is perfect for teenage hangouts). We can only afford that with my full time wage.

Even if we stayed here, realistically I would probably still have to work 4 days because it would get to the point of us HAVING to move because this house is so small and at that point who knows if we would be priced out. And is 4 days 9-5 really worth the pay cut compared with a 9 day fortnight 8:30-5:30 on my full salary. I’ve thought about all these things and I’m confident moving now and moving once is the right choice for our family.

Except the daycare guilt. My own mum was a SAHM until I was 10 and even then she only went back to work as a part time teaching assistant so was around a lot. I went to a preschool but I never got passed from pillar to post in daycare. I don’t really know what that’s like but I always felt bad for those children when I was a child myself.

The current plan is we will be using funded hours 3 days a week, my mum will do 3 days every 4 weeks, as will MIL, and I will do the other 2 days not accounted for on my compressed non working day.

The thing is I KNOW that being in some kind of early years setting is good for children. It’s just I’ve just been to a childminder that made me feel depressed.

There's a middle ground. Return PT and move when baby is older and FT feels more realistic.

The problem is I would be taking a 20% pay cut for only one extra day off a fortnight. I wouldn’t want to work less than 4 days as we would need to be saving for moving eventually and could very well get priced out.

Mortgage will also be going up next month regardless so it feels like it would be the worst of all worlds - less money because working part time and higher mortgage and small house.

I was you many years ago. I had to.

The kids are older but outgoing, independent and will mix with others

Do what you need to do but try and have a long term plan to make a few changes that will give you flexibility and time with the kids

It’s hard isn’t it. FWIW I think your set up sounds great, with the kids having sometime in childcare and getting plenty of time with family. You’ll appreciate the bigger better house too.

Thank you that’s kind 🫶

Yes we definitely want the house - we know staying here isn’t the right choice for us. We think we will find it very stressful with all the things that a baby needs and not having the space for it. We both wfh so that is a factor as well. We find the parking challenging and the guy two doors down has 4 dogs that he regularly allows to bark their head off, setting off others around us and it’s stressful and I’m worried will wake baby up. The kitchen is tiny and hard to host in.

We even thought about moving to an in between house but we looked at some and they didn’t feel worth all the stamp duty and fees to probably move again in the future.

I’m not really sure what the point of my post is as we’re doing what we’re going to do and the 9 day fortnight is my compromise. The childminder today just made me feel really shitty about the whole thing (we won’t be using her!)

I shifted to 4 days pw when I had DC1 and it feels a good balance.

You just need to find the right childcare! I'm a childminder and all the kids I look after run in in the morning without a backward glance, none of them feel sad about being 'childcare kids'.

It’s so hard. I hope what I’m about to say eases some of your guilt about the whole thing. DS has been in nursery 2 days a week since January. The rest of the time, he has a day with DP, a day with me and a day with my mum. We are incredibly lucky that my mum is willing to provide regular childcare. I truly believe him having those days at nursery is beneficial for all of us. The staff are lovely, I know he’s had a really full engaging day (more activities than I have the energy to provide), and a hot meal for lunch! The guilt does ease when you realise they’re enjoying themselves and it’s done me so much good to go back to work and have a life outside of motherhood. I don’t think I’d be half as patient if I was a SAHM. I promise you and DC will be absolutely fine and you’ll enjoy the days you have off together so much more in that lovely house (a playroom that you can just shut the door on is invaluable!)

I think it’s hard because I have actually found a childminder that I absolutely love but she shuts at 5 which is doable as DH works 8 - 4 but he has a commute and it’s a bit tight and you can’t guarantee being able to leave dead on time every day

Thank you that’s so kind and helpful! That’s the thing I know we will be happier in the bigger house and that it’s an investment in our whole family’s long term happiness and I’m lucky I suppose that I have the option of compressed hours so I will still get time off in the week with my baby. I just feel bad about it!!

How often would your DH be late?

Could you start early to drop off at the childminder, or work lunch?

3 days a week in nursery is absolutely fine and something plenty of children do. You have your head screwed on financially.

Thank you.

It’s hard to say really - sometimes he would be late because there can be traffic and they like to put in temporary lights. Sometimes he would be late because he works in a mental health service and if someone turns up at 3:45 in crisis he can’t just clock off and leave them.

He does work from home a day a week where it wouldn’t be an issue and comes home at lunch time another day a week to finish at home which is currently on a Friday which the childminder we like isn’t open but he could possibly ask to swap this.

If also relies on him staying at his workplace with these hours and he’s not particularly happy there so there is that to consider.

Do what is best for your family and don’t feel guilty. Most importantly, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty whatever your choice. I went back when DC was 7 months, mix of PT and FT over the years. They are now a well adjusted (mostly) 20 something. I’ve heard it all, not everyone approved and people can be vocal about your choices. It is your decision and you are under no obligation to explain your choices. You will be fine.

I returned full time after 5.5 months and I felt so guilty, especially as I'd missed a maternity of memories due to lockdown.

However, she's now 5 and is a social butterfly. So confident. Nursery does them good 😊

Thank you!

I am already feeling better about my choices. I’m actually very lucky as I work from home a lot and the house we are buying is literally across the road from ILs so I could still pop and see her at lunch times (and give MIL a break!) whichever house they were at (we haven’t really discussed that yet - I expect it will be a mixture of both depending on what they want to do.

Nothing is more valuable than time with your baby in such formative years IMO, not toys, a playroom or a dining room big enough to be used once per year. Before you know it they're at school and you can go back full time to chase the mortgage!

I remember thinking like this when I was pregnant, that it was all or nothing and one great big decision. Actually as you, your child, your job etc change over time you can keep changing your arrangements to suit you. You won't have a 'childcare kid' as if it's an identity. Since having kids I've been a student, stayed at home for a few years done a 2 days job share, 3 days, 4 days and full time up and down at different times with a few maternity leaves in between, and now I work from home full time. In that time we've had five different childminders, nursery and many different after school and holiday clubs on different days generally at my kids request, often when I've been at home. I remember my eldest would cry on the days that weren't nursery days and begged to do breakfast club and various after school activities like her friends when she started school. Kids usually see childcare as a fun activity for them. I've got teens now so working from home suits us for now but I know it will all change again soon.

You are really lucky to have in laws so close. I did too and their bond with DC has been, and still is, amazing. They are independent and working now after university but we are close and they are still happy to meet us when we are travelling to share some holiday time together. There is no right way to do anything. The best way is your way ❤

Thank you - I do harbour a dream of working for myself at some point and giving that ultimate flexibility just too scared to take the plunge (and not sensible at the moment with my enhanced mat pay package)

I felt awful about dropping my 13mo off at the childminder for his first day, but we have to work to feed him and keep the house he lives in!

9 months on, he is thrilled to be dropped off in the morning and has an excellent day playing with his mates at the zoo or the beach

In fact, his childminder only heard him crying for the first time when he fell over after he’d been with her about 4 months because he’s just so happy to be there!

Agree with this. Ideally a child shouldn't go into childcare full time before 3 years old because that's when it becomes beneficial to the child.
Not trying to make struggling parents feel guilty but if you CAN sah/work pt the first 3 years then do it.

My childcare kid finishes nursery this week and I'm so sad about it! He's been there since 9 months and has learned so much, had a fantastic time and made some wonderful friends. I'm so glad he's had that experience. He also has a wonderful bond with my mum from the day a week he's been with her, which is also something I wouldn't want him to miss out on.

To be fair, the OPs baby will be in 3 days a week, and with family/her the rest so not full time.

Having said that, I’d sacrifice a lot for time with my kids, could you drop 10% of your salary to work 4 days given you’ve already been allowed compressed? I do think that extra day off in the
week is really important as a mum.

Except the daycare guilt.

Is your husband feeling guilty?

Actually, just seen that he doesn’t like his job. He should prioritise flexibility in his next role and he can do more childcare.

You're not the only one, a lot of us would prefer to be with our kids than at work, sadly. Sorry.