Feeling guilty about my baby being a childcare kid

[BakersKitchen]

I’m currently pregnant and feeling down about that fact that I will have to return to work full time albeit I have had a 9 day fortnight agreed.

Well I suppose technically I don’t have to return full time. DH and I could stay in our current house which is a tiny 3 bed (70sqm) with only one parking space and not particularly nice neighbours.

We want to move and we want a proper family house and to be able to host the big family Christmas. We want space for toys (new house will have a playroom) and the ability to grow as DC get older (new house has an annexe which is perfect for teenage hangouts). We can only afford that with my full time wage.

Even if we stayed here, realistically I would probably still have to work 4 days because it would get to the point of us HAVING to move because this house is so small and at that point who knows if we would be priced out. And is 4 days 9-5 really worth the pay cut compared with a 9 day fortnight 8:30-5:30 on my full salary. I’ve thought about all these things and I’m confident moving now and moving once is the right choice for our family.

Except the daycare guilt. My own mum was a SAHM until I was 10 and even then she only went back to work as a part time teaching assistant so was around a lot. I went to a preschool but I never got passed from pillar to post in daycare. I don’t really know what that’s like but I always felt bad for those children when I was a child myself.

The current plan is we will be using funded hours 3 days a week, my mum will do 3 days every 4 weeks, as will MIL, and I will do the other 2 days not accounted for on my compressed non working day.

The thing is I KNOW that being in some kind of early years setting is good for children. It’s just I’ve just been to a childminder that made me feel depressed.

It isn't a popular opinion on Mumsnet but nursery every time for me. It's always sensible to get a feel for your area as it can obviously vary greatly but I wasn't impressed with any childminders I saw and ultimately, just didn't feel comfortable leaving my young baby with any.

We chose to put our child in full time childcare from 10 months. We both love our jobs and wanted our child to have a more affluent childhood than we both had ( both grew up in poverty).
We chose an excellent nursery and were fortunate enough to have very flexible/senior jobs which meant we could do early pick ups etc.
DS is a sociable, independent young man about to start secondary school. He still talks fondly about his ‘first school’ and has just told me he’s getting the school bus this morning with two people he’s not seen since nursery. Which is cute.
We have zero regrets. We all do what’s best for our families.

Yes definitely a bit of that for me. I have a vision of what I want her childhood and our family to be like. I would like to be able to achieve that vision without working full time but I can’t so I guess it’s just what it is!

Mine only did one small school runs run by an assistant, so mine never got taken along. It operated like a micro nursery, but with a very personal feel.

It felt like leaving them with a big happy family than strangers. For a later child (cm not available) we did use nursery and it was an excellent one, but still didn't come close to the CM in terms of sheer love and care they could give. For a younger child, where building up that relationship is everything, I'd definitely prefer a CM. But it had to be a good one, and there lies the difficulty.

What I’m struggling with a lot of childminders is that they are just one person. The lady I saw with assistants felt like it was safer. Who is there to safeguard the children’s wellbeing if something happened to the CM, or to whistleblow if something is not right?

Nursery all the time for me. More reliable, nursery rarely cancel, don't finish early (because of a dental appointment and so on). A good mix of children and activities. I have used nursery, wrap-around and childminder. I didn't like being reliant on building a relationship with one person. To be fair I think I was lucky with good nursery experience but had poor childminder experience. I worked full time and do still feel a bit gulity, but more to do with the school pick-up childminder era. I wish I had rearranged my job sooner (I did at year 3). Bottom line I needed my children to be safe but for me I needed a level of professionalism which I just didn't get from childminders.

I agree, assistants make a huge amount of difference. It turns it into a hybrid in effect - a small nursery with much better ratios.

My first born had a parent at home with them until 3, my second born was in childcare from when my maternity leave was up at 1.

There are no notable differences between them in terms of attachment to us, emotional regulation, smarts, sociability etc. The only thing I might be able to pull out is my second born is more independent (but not uncommon for a younger sibling) and spoke earlier and more words (but also not uncommon for a younger sibling).

As long as you find a childcare setting that makes you feel secure I think you are good. And I would go on how the people make you feel rather than the look and branding From the outside my daughters nursery wasn't as fancy or didn't have as big an outdoor space as some of the large chains but the people there I really got a good feeling about. And I felt they had that energy with the young children everyday in their activities and their play.