Feeling guilty about my baby being a childcare kid

[BakersKitchen]

I’m currently pregnant and feeling down about that fact that I will have to return to work full time albeit I have had a 9 day fortnight agreed.

Well I suppose technically I don’t have to return full time. DH and I could stay in our current house which is a tiny 3 bed (70sqm) with only one parking space and not particularly nice neighbours.

We want to move and we want a proper family house and to be able to host the big family Christmas. We want space for toys (new house will have a playroom) and the ability to grow as DC get older (new house has an annexe which is perfect for teenage hangouts). We can only afford that with my full time wage.

Even if we stayed here, realistically I would probably still have to work 4 days because it would get to the point of us HAVING to move because this house is so small and at that point who knows if we would be priced out. And is 4 days 9-5 really worth the pay cut compared with a 9 day fortnight 8:30-5:30 on my full salary. I’ve thought about all these things and I’m confident moving now and moving once is the right choice for our family.

Except the daycare guilt. My own mum was a SAHM until I was 10 and even then she only went back to work as a part time teaching assistant so was around a lot. I went to a preschool but I never got passed from pillar to post in daycare. I don’t really know what that’s like but I always felt bad for those children when I was a child myself.

The current plan is we will be using funded hours 3 days a week, my mum will do 3 days every 4 weeks, as will MIL, and I will do the other 2 days not accounted for on my compressed non working day.

The thing is I KNOW that being in some kind of early years setting is good for children. It’s just I’ve just been to a childminder that made me feel depressed.

Could your husband do compressed hours as well, which would give you as a family more time with baby, and reduce nursery time?

Also, did you talk to the childminder about the commute etc? Some will be very strict, but my old CM would have been content if it was occasional lateness that couldn't be helped.

We possibly could but we wouldn’t be able to save anything or have spare money for holidays/day trips etc. It would be very tight.

DH was in childcare from 3 months old. He’s the most emotionally stable and well balanced person I’ve ever met.

I’m not sure - it’s a question to ask. When we went to visit we thought oh well it will be fine and it was only after we started wondering if it would really work. She did say she would do an early start for an extra £10 a day so it might be negotiable.

I’ve put our names down at two nurseries (and seeing a third tomorrow!!) as well because I’m getting stressed about having something sorted but really I suppose we are just keeping our options open.

How many hours do you work?

Yes you’re right of course. My friend is a nurse doing 4 days compressed into 3 so gets two days off but they are 11 hour days so she doesn’t get to see her DS really on those days at all and sometimes her working days fall on weekends which compromises whole family time. I guess it’s hard for everyone unless you are very rich or, ironically, very poor

Oh dear, showed this to my DC who just came in. He is now complaining that I should have stayed at home until he was 3. If I had he would have been PM by now and would be driving a BMW instead of his fiesta. He is not happy with me. 😁

That seems unusual for what I presume is my generation!

It’s difficult. I suppose I was just lucky
growing up. Didn’t realise it at the time
but my parents had it all - the money to afford a proper family home (of which I have wonderful memories and I suppose is why it’s so important to me), AND be able to do it with my mum not working/earning only pocket money.

My dad did work long hours though and he often wouldn’t be in until gone 7pm. We won’t have that though - DH works hard but he works his hours as much as he can and is generally back by 5:15pm. Swings and roundabouts there I suppose.

I worked 3 days with my first. After my second I had to return to 5 days a week after my marriage broke down. I felt awful dropping off my baby at childcare, especially on the long days. I cried in the car a lot. That second child is now the most confident, extroverted and hilarious kid I could've asked for. It really does do them good 😊

I went back to work full time both times when my kids were six months old. My husband then took three months with shared parental leave. Both kids went full time with a childminder at nine months. I have no regrets. They’re both clever and outgoing children who enjoy/ed going to the childminder.

I think you’ll regret not going for the dream house and I think your childcare arrangement sounds like a good balance with family time too.

I’m a SAHM but if it helps we have literally 0 family support so me being back in work would have meant losing most of my wage on childcare anyway. And would have meant them being in a childcare environment full time. It’s actually a nice balance that you have two grandmothers helping out so much and your baby will end up with a lovely relationship with them ❤️

would you consider a nursery as an alternative option? Both my DCs thrived in nursery. DS is now 20 and DD is 18. The really notable thing is some of their best friends now are those they met at nursery as babies. They went to nursery, primary, then secondary school together . That’s quite a wonderful thing imo. They’re all doing really well now

Thank you!

I think the thing with this house is that I really does feel once in a lifetime. It’s perfect from a layout and bedroom point of view but it is also opposite DHs parents which he feels very excited about (he’s been fantasising about taking his kids to the same park he went to, doing the same walk to school and his dad coming to pick little one up on his Saturday morning walk into town just like he did when he was little!). On top of that it’s also a special type of house in the area which have historical significance and are much sought after.

I’m pleased you found working full time after your children okay - sometimes I think we are made to feel like it’s highly unusual but I do think there are more people than you think. DH will also be doing 3 or 4 months shared parental leave as it just makes sense financially.

I have our name down at 2 nurseries - a Montessori (expensive) and the one affiliated with DHs work. I wanted to prefer a childminder because they are cheaper but the only one we love is the one that I’m not sure is very practical and I’m starting to realise the reason we love her is because she is like a mini nursery (runs it out of a garden room with two assistants).

There’s no one else really apart from a woman who I have sent a WhatsApp, an email and tried to phone to no avail (any more is harassment I think!), people who only work strange hours or childminders with dogs which we don’t feel particularly comfortable with.

I’m off to see another nursery tomorrow morning and I’m hoping it makes me feel less miserable than the childminder did today.

Your DH can make a flexible working request too. Or, if he’s not fussed about spending time with his child, work extra hours to allow you more time off. Except that will make you vulnerable, which would ultimately be bad for your child.

Children can be perfectly well adjusted spending three days a week in childcare, especially if both parents are around every evening and weekend.

What did the childminder do that made you feel miserable?

He could but he already has flexible working that they were reluctant to give him (adjusted hours 8-4, a work from home day and a day to come home at lunch). They are very unlikely to agree anything else on top.

He did consider doing compressed hours as well but because he commutes for about an hour he felt that he would gain a day but lose all of his evenings with us and that maybe wasn’t the best trade off.

I work from home a lot and even when I have to go out I generally come home before the end of the day so when I finish at 5:20, I will generally be finished at 5:20

She didn’t really do anything, it just felt like a not very pleasant place to spend 30 hours a week. I don’t expect childminders to have large houses as childcare doesn’t exactly pay very well but all the children were in her living/dining room which is smaller even than our current one. Garden was very small also, more of a courtyard.

The other lady we saw had a purpose built outbuilding, it felt much more professional.

She also just wasn’t particularly warm or friendly and was feeding a toddler while I was trying to ask her questions so it all felt a bit odd really.

It's definitely worth pursuing the other childminder. I think it's a much nicer environment for little ones than a nursery.

We had similar (with assistants) and it was blissful, and she was genuinely like extended family.

Also it’s just occurred to me that she asked me to go and sit in the living room with the children and wait for her while she was in the kitchen getting dinners ready. I could have been anyone and I was totally unsupervised with other people’s kids!

Which I do think is a better balance overall. Yes, both parents are away from the child during the week but it does mean both are then back at decent times to be able to both spend quality time with DC.

Both parents are important and it is good for DC to have that quality time with both, not just one parent getting all or the majority of the quality time and the other parent working all hours under the sun and not getting home until after bedtime which is often how it goes.

It’s hard isn’t it?
Great to have the 9-day fortnight though.
I was you (but had to go back full time.)
As tough as it is, I’m glad I built the career I did, also as it has given me a bit of flexibility to do less now they’re teenagers when they really need you. (With teenagers it’s headspace you need to help with their problems when they need you.)
The money you put in your pension now has longer to grow as well.
Take half days, use parental leave (you get 18 weeks before the child is 18. So 1 week gives you 10 half days of annual leave to spend with baby…)

It’s not necessarily a nicer environment, yes there are some great ones but some who are absolutely crap, kids strapped in buggies for hours a day marched round on school runs or left to play in small rooms while the CM plays on her phone or chats to her mates. It’s also very very difficult to truly know how good the CM is as obviously they’ll be putting on their best front when you visit.

A good nursery can be a great for kids.

That’s what left me so uneasy about this one - it was supposedly her best impression!