Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

[ReverseThePolarity]

Wasn't sure where to put this.

We are very lucky to have mil as ds' almost-free childminder.

I've always been very into "attachment" style parenting; you know, slings, co-sleeping, that sort of thing. Call it pfb syndrome if you like but that's how I'd like ds to be raised.

Mil always said she agreed with me over the "Unconditional Parenting" style of child-raising (as per Alfie Kohn) in addition to AP-type concepts and said she wished she'd done it with her own kids.

So I was confused when some of the things she did included:
Ditching the sling and getting an outward facing buggy (i.e. facing away from mil so no interaction)
Giving him juice / tinned baked beans & sausage / "baby" crisps (you know those "Organix" ones) etc to eat
Putting him in disposable nappies
Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

And now, she has got him some of those kiddie reins. I am particularly upset because I really can't stand these things. I know opinion on MN is a bit divided over them but I can't bear them. But apparently, "he really creates when he's in the buggy" (that's the outward facing buggy mentioned above) so she wants to let him walk but have him on the reins. She told me today "I know you hate them but I need them and that's that" basically.

BUT having said all the above, she does adore him. She never lets him cry himself to sleep (the most important thing to me) and apart from the odd shouted "NO!" which does my head in, she is very gentle with him. He has one continuous caregiver during the day who really does love him.

Dh of course is no help. "We can't say anything as she is doing it for (almost) free". Besides he thinks I am too soft on ds anyway and it will do him good to have a bit of discipline etc. etc.

Is there anything I can do? Do I have to grin and bear this? I can't afford not to work and in the current economic climate need the job security of permanent office work.

I know you might all accuse me of pfb syndrome and the comments about mil's choices might even get your backs up if that's how you decide to parent. But you must understand, if you've made that decision, it's your decision. This isn't my decision, it's someone taking it out of my hands.

Feel quite upset, possibly irrationally, and please excuse any cruddy spelling that results from this!

Sorry, I don't get much chance to MN in work!

2.4 your post really struck a chord. I hadn't looked at it that way. You're right; there are several outcomes here; the current one is a "win" for him (iyswim) but a "lose" for me. It is making me unhappy.

I think maybe the mil thing... well I do know she loves him, and my most important thing (he always gets helped / rocked / cuddled to sleep as he is a "bad" sleeper and would otherwise scream/cry which I do not want) is taken care of.

Macdoodle I know it sounds like I have a bit of a ridiculous "wish list" but you know, a lot of the things on there are things she originally agreed to do and then went back on. But I guess the whole mil thing is a bit of a red herring in a way.

I need to talk to dh - but I also need to decide what I'm doing with him long term. He can be a total arsehole sometimes. And I know if he "let" me go part-time it would be this wonderful magnificent benevolent act he was undertaking for me for which I would have to be eternally grateful. I also know that he would expect the house to be ship shape 100% tidy at all times ... (even though - obviously - his mil doesn't tidy our house and goes out and takes ds for coffee with her friends etc. - as you should of course - but she is still doing a "great job" whereas I would be being lazy).

He is away this w/e on his bezzie mate's stag do. I have to say I'm really looking forward to it; I do love it when it's just ds & I ... but when he comes back I will talk to him. I need to put down some of what I'm feeling though so it doesn't turn into a massive rant.

Thank you all for your continued support.

Thanks for the update.

Good luck with your conversation with DH!

Just out of curiosity, who looks after DS when you go away for the weekend?

Oh I'm not going away for the weekend, he is. I wouldn't leave ds for a whole weekend emotional reasons notwithstanding I can't imagine how engorged I'd get!!

So, you've never had a weekend off?

When my kids were 1 and 3, I was sick and tired of my unhappy home and so I booked myself into a hotel in London and told DH I was going away for the weekend. Just me, my hotell room, a book, and a pair of running shoes. I had a fab time.

I missed the kids, but I needed a break.

Oh, and you can always pump and dump.

How much longer do you plan to breastfeed?

to be perfectly honest i think you are being to hard on your mil, exept for the smoking which i would go mad about. its easy to critisise her when you are at work all day and not having to everything. if you really want your child to have the sort of things you say then you must be prepared to take more time with him, perhaps work part time. your mil sounds fab and your son will remember his time with her as he gets older forever. we all want things a certain way with first children but the people who write these books rarely have any practical experience so it all looks great on paper. when he goes to school he will change. go with the flow and dont get so stressed.

That got me sniggering, pump and dump lol. I must use that one again Athene. By the way, whats a weekend to yourself. Isnt that something you get when children fly the nest?

Athene, I'll bet RtP "plans" to bf till her ds self-weans just based on her parenting style!
ReverseThePolarity, good luck with your chat to your dh.

"if you really want your child to have the sort of things you say then you must be prepared to take more time with him, perhaps work part time"

Traylay, that's what the whole thread's about, I am perfectly prepared to take more time with him... but there are issues surrounding that.

Athene, I wouldn't enjoy a weekend away from ds. In fact I've been offered one with work recently and declined. It's the only time I get with ds and it's so valuable to me to spend that time with him. However what I would love is a weekend away with just me and ds, sans dh and mil.

This weekend it's just me and ds... doesn't happen very often though.

Chipmonkey is right about bf - apart from the "plan" bit, I didn't really have one, just see how it goes and let him choose if he wants to stop.

If you hire a cleaner while DH is away he'll think you cleaned the house... and maybe he'll go away more often.

i think we should have a 'northern+northern island' post-natal meet up at rosy's in the summer hols

tbh i dont think your dh is ever going to realise that its possible for him to be wrong as long as MIL is still wiping his arse for him.has he ever lived on his own?has he had any therapy?

only read the OP but the smoking you can and should tackle.

The other things are just what you have to deal with if you get someone else to look after your child (and I say that as a WOHM).

If you feel so strongly about the buggy, get rid of it and get her an inward facing buggy. I think it is unreasonable to expect anyone other than a devoted parent to cart round a 14mo in a sling tbh. She is obviously not as young as you and I think a buggy is fair enough at the age your DS is (and the age I'm assuming your MIL is).

The food is a borderline issue. I don't know what organix crisps are but my DD has had organix biscuts and I can tell you they are no picnic. Quite horrible in a wholefood way so I wouldn't get too wound up about that either.

I really think you need to think about how fortunate you are to have your MIL nearby, who loves your DS, and is willing to look after him FOR FREE. It sounds like she is doing her best.

Really - look on the positive side of this, and consider how different it would be if she didn't do this for you.
You are so lucky! You should be feeling fortunate, not unhappy

OK read a little bit more of the thread now.

This is not about your MIL, as others have said. This is about what is potentially a lack of affection and closeness in your marriage. And, reading between the lines, your opinions not being taken seriously in your marriage.

So as an antidote to that you are focusing on an area where you do have opinions and can deemed the "expert" and where you can get closeness and affection - ie, looking after your DS.

All understandable but not at all the point. Your DS is being loved, stimulated, cared for so you need to take the focus off that and focus on the real issue. Sorry to sound harsh but I don't want you to throw the baby out with the bathwater iykwim (your MIL is the baby in that analogy! She's giving your DS much more love and close attention than he would get from any other form of childcare).

It seems to me that if you did give up work to focus on doing things your way with DS you'd get a temporary boost of self-esteem from throwing the reins away carting him around in a sling but it sounds to me like massive displacement activity.

And FWIW, my DD learned to walk at 14mo and was as you describe your son - slow and hesitant and not likely to run into the road. A few months later and she'll run under a juggernaut as soon as you give her the opportunity. It's not a bad idea to get a child used to reins while they are unlikely to object so that they are used to them by the time they are really needed. My DD doesn't have reins btw but only because I missed the window to get them on her.

Haven't read the thread, but am very much into a similar style of parenting as you are so I can see where you are coming from.

Ds' gps are all very loving etc. but do do things differently from what we do. We have appreciated the occasional break (both live abroad so it's a matter of a week or so on holidays rather than daily), but it's true that they say/do things that really make me cringe.

Our decision was to just relax about it. They genuinely cannot manage a sling, so have to do things in a different way. They are also older and less relaxed about appearances, and given that it's not their child, sometimes more paranoid than we would be about things being dangerous. So they tend to tell him off more than we do.

But the fact is that ds absolutely loves them all. He is happy to spend time with them and happy to come back to us. He definitely feels loved by them and that is very important to us.

When I was a kid I was very close to my gps. Frankly, they were objectively not very nice people, and certainly not into ap or anything of the sort! But they loved me, I loved them, and in the end the relationship with gps is not as psychologically significant as that with the parents. If the parents are really unconditional/ap type people, I think this is what will register most with the child.

I even think it may be beneficial to ds to be exposed to different things (provided they are not meant cruelly/abusively, of course, which does not at all sound like it's the case here).

For StealthPolarBear - we xposted, and I realised as soon as mine had gone up you might think I was talking to you!

RTP - nothing more to add, just wanted to say good luck with the talking, or if it's done, hope it went well.

RTP you've had a lot of really good advice which I really can't add to.

Just to say we keep DD facing us in her main pushchair but she has 2 buggies we use occasionally and they face outward. She doesn't seem to have a preference. I carted her around in the sling on holiday but only for short distances and my back did feel it- I must be a similar age to your MIL

As to the reins, we use them a lot. Not to control at this stage but so that she can waddle along without falling over, and she gets both hands free for exploring. They are also handy when eating out because a lot of restaurant highchairs don't have straps and she is a climbing expert.

We've noticed some new behaviours recently, like an obsession with dolls, and kissing dolls/ teddies/ animals that's got to have come from nursery, and she's going full-time as of this week