Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

[ReverseThePolarity]

Wasn't sure where to put this.

We are very lucky to have mil as ds' almost-free childminder.

I've always been very into "attachment" style parenting; you know, slings, co-sleeping, that sort of thing. Call it pfb syndrome if you like but that's how I'd like ds to be raised.

Mil always said she agreed with me over the "Unconditional Parenting" style of child-raising (as per Alfie Kohn) in addition to AP-type concepts and said she wished she'd done it with her own kids.

So I was confused when some of the things she did included:
Ditching the sling and getting an outward facing buggy (i.e. facing away from mil so no interaction)
Giving him juice / tinned baked beans & sausage / "baby" crisps (you know those "Organix" ones) etc to eat
Putting him in disposable nappies
Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

And now, she has got him some of those kiddie reins. I am particularly upset because I really can't stand these things. I know opinion on MN is a bit divided over them but I can't bear them. But apparently, "he really creates when he's in the buggy" (that's the outward facing buggy mentioned above) so she wants to let him walk but have him on the reins. She told me today "I know you hate them but I need them and that's that" basically.

BUT having said all the above, she does adore him. She never lets him cry himself to sleep (the most important thing to me) and apart from the odd shouted "NO!" which does my head in, she is very gentle with him. He has one continuous caregiver during the day who really does love him.

Dh of course is no help. "We can't say anything as she is doing it for (almost) free". Besides he thinks I am too soft on ds anyway and it will do him good to have a bit of discipline etc. etc.

Is there anything I can do? Do I have to grin and bear this? I can't afford not to work and in the current economic climate need the job security of permanent office work.

I know you might all accuse me of pfb syndrome and the comments about mil's choices might even get your backs up if that's how you decide to parent. But you must understand, if you've made that decision, it's your decision. This isn't my decision, it's someone taking it out of my hands.

Feel quite upset, possibly irrationally, and please excuse any cruddy spelling that results from this!

I don't understand what you dislike about the reins. THere are a basic, practical, safety aid, which can be quite useful in certain places- I wish more parents would use them- often as a driver you have to really watch out for parents who justdo not make sure that they are keeping their children safe.Likewise, if a child really needs a pushchair, then I wouldn't get hung up with the outward/inward facing debate. Older chioldren llike to see faces apart from yours sometimes, sights around them. Also in crowded shopping centres someparents let toddlers run wild.

Aren't babies over 7 or so months really too heavy for a sling? My back couldnot have managed afterabout4 months .

I think if your child doesn't like reins it will be impossible to use them with him. That was my experience. One DD who communicated well, walked alongside, chatted, and barely seemd to notice the reins, except when she wanted to career down steep country paths where they just added to the fun.

Second DD wanted to run to the limit of the reins immediately and then stop. Any attempt to encourage her to move resulted in her sitting on the ground. You couldn't possibly have controlled her with them or walked with her for more than 10 paces.

If your MIL is usiing them successfully your little boy is probably happy to wear them and they are probably communicating well with each other IMO.

'Maybe for him to spend more time alone with his son would help all relationships, and he has a right to have his say in how his son is being reared also. '

i totally agree with this statement,but i cant help wondering whether your dh is trying to have a say in how his ds is reared,or going along with MIL as he is scared to disagree with her

i wonder if things would be better between you if she wasnt in the picture?

Just had a thought that noone else has yet mentioned. Why dont you consider working from home or even becoming a childminder. Then you would be there 24/7 for your son and wouldnt have to put up with MILs ways. You would still be bringing in a wage and working full time if that is what your husband expects of you. There you go, everybody is happy

Coolj, you are brilliant.

Where is OP? She is going to have a lot of reading to do.

Reverssy, I add my vote to the smoking issue. And I reckon that even if your mil was mary poppins you would be having difficulties because fair enough you want to raise your boy your way yourself. It's a control issue. It is tricky.

And if I were you I'd insist on working part time because that might give you more balance and more control and hopefully your dh will adapt to that.

smoking is a big NO NO
reins are used for safety not restraint
nothing wrong with a forward facing buggy, unless of course he's pushed about in it for hours ( same said for any buggy)
The 'No' thing I'd be concerned about, and how do you know he doesnt cry himself to sleep.
Forget cheap child care and go with your instincts.
You can help with childcare costs nowdays.
I would not leave my child with a smoker- even if they smoked outside they themselves would still stink of cigs, do you want your child smelling that and associating it with love???

Hello all, and thank you for your considerate and thoughtful replies. I have to admit I was worried posting initially because I thought I'd get a barrage of "YABU" style comments.

I have thought about working at home, setting up my own business or taking part in some kind of franchise, in the past but when I raised it with dh it was a definite "no" because of the lack of security. He wants me to have a "proper" job (i.e. one within an organisation, not that they're necessarily secure imho!)

I'm not really happy with mil looking after him full time though. As I think a few of you mentioned, if it was part time I wouldn't mind, but it's the fact she actually spends more of his waking hours with him than I do!

But the whole thing with dh doesn't help. Spice, very astute "three in the relationship" I do feel like that at times. When we lived in London for a few years (away from mil and his family) it was just me and him ... but that had its own problems and in fact we moved back home especially to be near his mil after he had a breakdown and wanted to be near family to recover.

I realise that in many ways this is my fault. We should have discussed things like this before we agreed to have a child. But to be honest before I had ds I actually thought I'd go back to work when he was about three months old lol, how you change your mind! So it wouldn't have made a difference really!

I feel a lot of you are right that I have changed very much since ds was born. In fact in a way, since I became pregnant I changed, because obviously I no longer wanted to go out boozing and clubbing. He has changed a little but it's taken a hell of a long time and he hasn't changed very much. I don't think he recognises the person I am now.

But when I look back I'm not sure we ever had a brilliant relationship. We did laugh a lot more, but we did have lots and lots of arguments too.

I'm in a bit of a quandry and I thank you all for your messages. It's given me lots to think about.

Can't remember who said it but I think the concentrating five days into four and using the Friday (or Monday, or whatever) as a day for just me and ds... this could be an idea. And as I'd be working as many hours as dh he couldn't expect me to use the day off as a housework day (although he would, of course).

Trouble is, it's all very well saying "you should go part time" but dh would just turn around and say "well, what if I wanted to do that? We just couldn't afford it, so it's not fair that you get to do it, what if I want to spend more time with ds?"

I've also only just started my current job. And I can't drive at the moment so rely on dh for many things. I am hopeful though that when I've been in the job a little longer it would be easy to negotiate part-time or rearranged hours with them. It's not them I have to convince really.

I will have to have a long think about this.

Two things jump out at me in your post.

1 - "I have thought about working at home, setting up my own business or taking part in some kind of franchise, in the past but when I raised it with dh it was a definite "no" because of the lack of security."

2 - "I realise that in many ways this is my fault. "

Regarding 1 - He is a control freak. Why on earth is it his place to decide what your job/career should be? Do you tell him where he can work, what hours, and define the required stability? DH and both have full time careers. I don't make career decisions for him, and he doesn't make them for me. Of course if one of us was appplying for a job the involved moving to another city, then that would be discussed. But, generally, he follows his desires and I follow mine.

Regarding 2 - No it isn't!

I slightly disagree Athene.

My DH is a contractor and we have both agreed that because of this it makes a lot of sense for me to stay with my current employer due to the relative stability. I think there is nothing wrong with making career decisions as a family unit rather than as an individual. It works both ways as well, I have a say in DHs contracts as I'd much rather he was working close to home so he can do drop offs and pick ups and generally be around in the evening.

Reverse, you seem very astute and self aware. there are huge things going on for you and maybe you need to focus o nbreaking it down into manageable chunks. Condensed hours would seem to be the easiest and quickest solution, and one that your DH can't disagree with, but I believe it is hard on the days you work. Perhaps you could also cost up reducing to 4 days a week and see what actual difference it makes to your income and what that means to your expenditure.

I'm finding it hard to believe that 2 adults in f/t employment and no child care costs couldn't cut down by 10% without it making a huge difference, and I think it wouldn't make as great an impact as you would think. As for DH wanting to go p/t, well tbh he does have the right to suggest that as well, but he needs to understand its not for golfing or hobbies its to look after your child, and if he demonstrates that he could cope with that i.e. through sole care one day at the weekends, then perhaps that needs to be considered as well.

Good luck, must dash to work !

But, they aren't making decisions together as a family unit. She wats to do something, she raises it with DH and he says no. She is his partner, not his subordinate.

Childminding sounds perfect. She can bring in a good living (probably more than temping), and she can spend more time with her son, and she can get some distance between her and MIL. I'm not saying get MIL completely out of her life, but could be the one with whom her DS spends most of his time.

And, if your DH, wants time off to look after his son, then say GREAT!. You can work Mon-Th. DH can work Tu-Fr. You look after DS on Fri. DH looks after DS on Mon. And MIL can have Tue and Wed. And you can use the vouchers at the nursery on Thurs. From the sounds of it, he won't really want to do this, but might put the argument forward as a means to shoot down your idea.

I agree with breaking this down into chunks. What are things the you want to achieve most and go into the conversation with DH willing to compromise and listen. But insist that at least some of your "wish is achieved". For example:
1- I want to be DS' main carer (i.e I want DS to spend more of his waking hours with me than he does with anyone else)
2- I want a job I enjoy.
3- I want a job which will give me opportunity for increasing earning potential
4- I want to set my own hours.
5- I want to have the flexibility to work in term time if I choose to in 5 years.
6- I want DS to be exposed to other children (i.e. nursery) when he is of x age.
7- I want to make use of my childcare vouchers/tax credits/etc.

Whatever your priorities are, I think you should address them to DH and be careful to tackle only the issue at hand -- childcare and your (and DH's) work. I would be very careful not to bring other issues regarding MIL into the conversation. And if he brings up unrelated issues, you should say that isn't the issue you want to deal with now, but you can talk about later if he wishes.

You sound like your self esteem has been torn to pieces and I really think it is important for your long term happiness that you find a solution to your work and childcare that you can be happy about. You are clearly miserable, and something needs to change before you find yourself in divorce court.

"wish is achieved" was meant to say "wish list" is achieved.

It really does sound like you need a have a proper sit down and TALK discussion with your DH.

If you are unhappy something needs to change, a compromise needs to be reached. That's what marriage is all about, BOTH sides compromising not just the woman!

As for the childcare issues, I agree with everyone else, the only REAL issue is the smoking, everything else is just details really and won't make any difference to your DS in the long term, but the smoking? No chance I would let that slide.

My DH makes stacks more than me, he works longer hours and it means that when I work it is because I want to not because I have to (am very fortunate I know!). My point is that he understands though that if WE decide for both of us to work then HE needs to pick up some of the childcare slack caused by my working.

I wouldn't be totally ready to throw your marriage out the window just yet, at some point things must have been good or you wouldn't have gotten married and had a baby together. You really do need to sit down together somewhere (maybe with a bottle of good wine ) and discuss discuss discuss. If he is not willing to do that/compromise AT ALL, then I think you have a serious problem.

Good luck.

I agree that your MIl is not the real issue here. She is doing a great job of looking after DS for you as you say that she showers him with love and he enjoys being with her. The smoking is an issue but one that can be dealt with by a quiet word at an appropriate moment.

The real issue is you working and wanting to be at home plus the fact that your DH seems to be making all the decisions.

Would he listen at all if you were to say to him that the 1 thing that would make you happy is spending more time with DS and that you are seriously unhappy at the moment. Tell him you have 4 different scenarios and that you'd like the chance to discuss them all and decide as a family with a bit of compromise on both your parts.

1. You stay at home and live solely on DH salary and compromise your standard of living (this is your ideal and would make him most unhappy)
2. You continue to work full time and maintain your standard of living (this is DH ideal and makes you most unhappy)
3. You stay in your current job on the condition that as soon as an opportunity comes up to reduce to part time you will take it like a shot
4. You change career completely and become a childminder/something else at home

Make him realise that if he can veto option 1 as it involves him doing all the compromising that you should be able to vetp option 2 as it means you doiing all the compromising!

You really need to sit down and talk to him and make it clear that you are seriously unhappy and conmsidering leaving him if nothing changes!

2.4's post is much better than mine.

Sorry just skimmed through but blimey think everyone has been very kind - I think you are being horrid and thoughtless - your MIL (so not even your own mother) - looks after and loves your child for nothing (more or less) every day I assume - and you have a list of nit picking things you don't like .....
A wriggly 14 month old weighing 20lbs on her pack - do you think she is your personal servant???
My suggestion is do it yourself or pay someone you can dictate to - am gobsmacked!

macdoodle-maybe you should read the thread properly before storming in with thoughtless remarks that

that what???

I wouldnt let my child near ANYONE that was smoking. Hes three and a half, and still hasnt been round anyone ssmoking. I always check first, and refuse if they do.
Smokings a no no. Your baby is 14 months old and doesnt have a choice.

I wouldnt worry about the pram. Arnt most children in outward facing prams at that age? Theyre too big for the first car seats and carrycots.

A sling at 14 months? Ouch.

The tea? Id stop that too. He wont need it, esp with sugar in. Its unneccasary (sp) and the caffiene wont do him any good at all. As someone already said, it stops iron absorption.

Sorry, it soumds very critical, it doesnt mean to at all. You're his mother, and if you are having doubts about ANYTHING, you should raise these issues.

RTP, your post earlier saying

"Maybe what irks both of us is that we don't really have much of a choice in the matter? If you could have a genuine choice whether or not to do paid work (and not be scraping the poverty line either way) you could feel happy with your choice."

you know what, scraping the poverty line is worth it if it means spending the time with your child, which is what you want to do

and if dh isn't happy, get rid of him (but keep the MIL, she sounds fine to me give or take a few tweaks)

the whole of your first post,basically.

RTP I have recently condensed my hours, do 33 hours in 4 days and for one reason or another I'm struggling and hoping to go back FT soon for an easier ride Everything I'm struggling with is a practicality so email me if you want to know the detail - hopefully none of this will apply to you but you may as well know the detail if you are seriously considering it.

hi rtp- if you are going back to work to pay off debt as you say in a post below (and its not a dh extravagance like a sports car!)then you should be able to work out a short term solution of ft work to pay off- i mean assuming you have a joint a/c-work out essentials like mortgage/rent then whats over with your salary pays debt- or what ever you would pay to a cm pays debt.
i am assuming you won't be told you can pay a cm out of your pay!
that would be a compromise you can revisit when debt is paid and you have both made scarifices such as work/ no holidays/ no roast peacock for tea.
or you could work out what you need minimum to be paid and find a p/t job that pays exactly that, even if its shift work at tesco. he can babysit at night sometimes?

you will hate being at work and do a crap job if its not sorted out. and your career is your choice, not his tbh, if you want a career break- its only for another year or so if he goes to nursery.

your mil-did she work or did she look after her kids? she must know its tough for you. not sure i like the comment that you are too soft - does he mean she is better than you?

a 14mth old all day 5 days a week is tough so perhaps your mil will regret the offer she made. and she will be taking him to baby group, coffee with friends etc, just like you would, is he ok with that, or will he be monitoring her enjoyment as well?

Can we have an update please?