Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

[ReverseThePolarity]

Wasn't sure where to put this.

We are very lucky to have mil as ds' almost-free childminder.

I've always been very into "attachment" style parenting; you know, slings, co-sleeping, that sort of thing. Call it pfb syndrome if you like but that's how I'd like ds to be raised.

Mil always said she agreed with me over the "Unconditional Parenting" style of child-raising (as per Alfie Kohn) in addition to AP-type concepts and said she wished she'd done it with her own kids.

So I was confused when some of the things she did included:
Ditching the sling and getting an outward facing buggy (i.e. facing away from mil so no interaction)
Giving him juice / tinned baked beans & sausage / "baby" crisps (you know those "Organix" ones) etc to eat
Putting him in disposable nappies
Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

And now, she has got him some of those kiddie reins. I am particularly upset because I really can't stand these things. I know opinion on MN is a bit divided over them but I can't bear them. But apparently, "he really creates when he's in the buggy" (that's the outward facing buggy mentioned above) so she wants to let him walk but have him on the reins. She told me today "I know you hate them but I need them and that's that" basically.

BUT having said all the above, she does adore him. She never lets him cry himself to sleep (the most important thing to me) and apart from the odd shouted "NO!" which does my head in, she is very gentle with him. He has one continuous caregiver during the day who really does love him.

Dh of course is no help. "We can't say anything as she is doing it for (almost) free". Besides he thinks I am too soft on ds anyway and it will do him good to have a bit of discipline etc. etc.

Is there anything I can do? Do I have to grin and bear this? I can't afford not to work and in the current economic climate need the job security of permanent office work.

I know you might all accuse me of pfb syndrome and the comments about mil's choices might even get your backs up if that's how you decide to parent. But you must understand, if you've made that decision, it's your decision. This isn't my decision, it's someone taking it out of my hands.

Feel quite upset, possibly irrationally, and please excuse any cruddy spelling that results from this!

surely 'attachment parenting' demands the parent is the main carer and not another person

I'm sure you are upset but I really don't think you can dictate to that nature that a child should be reared in such an incredibly time-consuming way to someone who doesn't actually buy into it that much

The stuff your MIL is doing is no doubt the stuff she did with her own babies and she loves him

I'd be grateful and I'd pick my battles .. the ones I could win .. like the smoking (no-brainer) and possibly the food (although that'll be tricky I imagine)

In my experience 14month olds hate facing you in a buggy. They want to see the world!

The smoking thing is not on at all, but the reigns are for the safety of the child.
My 2 dds have had reigns as it was either that or stay in a pushchair as they would run all over the place and our pavements here are very narrow with no room for error.
We've used reigns whilst walking in Snowdonia and it enabled our 2yr old to climb almost to the top of Snowdon without falling smack onto the rocks!
Reigns do not mean the child will look like a dog, it means safety!

pedant alert, but REINS

I am getting zaps to the head every time I see 'reigns'...

not important in the grand plan I realise

You've had lots of good advice here - picking your battles being at the root of it all. The only thing you have reasonable cause to complain about is the smoking, and thta's the battle you should pick.

OK, that's me told off! [blush}

not just you RB!

I think you need to think carefully about how you can show your MIL what a terrific job she's doing for free, rather than whinge on here about so much.
As far as I'm concerned, if you ask her to look after your child, then she HAS to use her ways to the best of her ability.

Seriously - if I were your MIL, and you sat me down with this list - I think I'd slot you one!

I seriously agree with Twigletts post.

I'm going now before I say somthing I'd really regret.

Aaaarrhhhhggggggggg

PMSL Effie - 'reigns' grates on my nerves as well but I never have the guts to say so.

I can't really add much to what other people have said here.

The only way that you could get any other form of childcare where they followed all of your requirements would be a nanny as Cms and nurseries have other children to look after and whilst they could accomodate a lot of what you are looking for, they too may want to use reins when out for a walk due to multiple children and may feed a diet which is less than ideal.

Thank you all for bringing some perspective to the issue.

I think tbh the reins thing is a bit like "the straw that broke the camel's back" and I think maybe there's a bit of guilt mixed in, feeling it should be me who is looking after him, but it isn't, iyswim.

It was mainly because of everything she has done, she knows that personally I can't bear those reins. Have offered to buy different buggy for her but no she wants that one.

Fwiw, when ds is with me on journeys he is in my mei tai on my back in a high carry which enables him to see over my shoulder and nose around. He is only about 20 lbs, light for his age. But I do understand mil might have problems (although this is a woman who did her own decking in the back garden, so she's hardly fragile!) with that.

It's just the reins - well, I just don't get them. He's hardly a fast mover and surely at 14 m/o you wouldn't have him out of the buggy (or in my case sling) on a busy road anyway? And surely if he's always "creating" in the buggy, but he doesn't with the sling, isn't it less about the walking and more about wanting the contact? I do think it's because when he's in it he can't see mil ... so he panics a bit. I just don't like reins. I can see from what some of you have said that a boistrous two or three year old might need them on a busy road... but he is a petit 14 m/o who moves relatively slowly!

The smoking - dh doesn't see it as a big problem, because of course she always smoked around him and he's fine (although until two years ago was a 20 a-day smoker himself) but it's this; she used to never smoke near him at all and always smoked outside even if he wasn't there. Then she started smoking inside when he wasn't there, but not when he was, and now if they are both in the garden she has a fag in one hand and him in the other... and often she forgets herself and walks into the house fag in hand when he's there... what's next? Smoking in the house around him?

The food and drink I suppose I'm prepared to let go, because he eats so well when at home and still gets lots of breastmilk. And has his teeth cleaned every night (might up it to twice a day).

Nappies I guess I can leave (although obviously annoyed me as I actually had bought additional to give her, and of course would have been doing washing/drying myself).

The "no" - well I'm not a big fan of "no" in general, or at least, it's overuse, but it's more about the shouting of it. He's too young to be deliberately naughty and shouting at him just upsets him.

Ideally I think what I'd like to do is pay her a decent amount, rather than expenses, and then I feel I would have more ability to approach her over issues like this. I have suggested her registering as a CM, then she can get a portion of our tax credits too. But she won't do that.

I think you are right with choosing my battles but I feel unable to do this unless we're actually paying her properly. Now I am in a perm job (was temping last three months for barely over min wage) I think we can afford it... I will speak to dh. Of course he will be dead against it... but there you go.

when you say 'smokes around him',do you mean in the house or outside?is she able to leave him in a safe place and go to smoke outside,away from him?

agree with everyone else re.the reins/buggy issue(although,as you know,dd3 has been forward-facing since birth).

what really matters is that she loves him.as others ahve said,you cant put a price on that.

d'oh,x-posts.

defo have a word about the smoking.it sounds like she is creeping towards smoking in the house with him there which is not on whatsoever.

You see even if you were paying someone I don't think you could dictate that they use a sling for a 14 month old (if you were paying me and asked me to use a sling I'd say no- I've put all my young babies in slings, but not at 14 months- I find it too uncomfortanble - and I'll happily march across the moors for hours with a rucksack on my back- but a 14 month old .....no).

Nappies - some nurseries/childminders let you use reusables, some don't - and you either choose or not to use their service depending on how important it is to you.

Reins- this was my point earlier- you might think he's safe without them, but if she doesn't feel that he is and you ban reins. Then what? Does he stay inside all day. I think any nursery/childminder would dictate that sort of safety thing really and if they felt reins were needed would use them. Personally I'd rather my child was in reins than squaking to get out of a buggy (and hats off to your MIL- it's is far easier to push a moaning child in a buggy than walk at a snail's speed with reins.

The 'no' thing. if he's happy to see her I doubt it' s registering.

I personally think children do really well brought up by people who have different rules/ways of doing things. Do ensure that someone's practices are safe (so eg complain about the smoking). But if they are then I think you need to leave them to get on with it really. If her way is too far out of kilter with yours then you have the choice to look after him yourself or move him, but I think you will struggle to find someone to do exactly what you want with the above list unless you employ a nanny (and they cna bring their own ideas as well!)

Twiglett, I do think you can combine AP and being a WOHM. Sears certainly says it's possible anyway in The Baby Book... about as much babywearing / co-sleeping / other general bonding stuff as possible when you are with them to counteract any other care-style when they're not around (although he has apparently been known to write prescriptions to nursery caregivers to carry babies in slings!)

I do think though, on reading everyone's replies, that I don't have much right to be asking her to care for ds as I do... but I do also think that if I paid her, I might have more say.

Dh is dead against paying her... says we can't afford it but we can... he just doesn't want to cut back on anything.

So really I need to talk to dh and get him to understand why she needs paying.

What do you think you could ask her to do if you paid her though? You couldn't ask her to use a sling if you paid her. I don't think you could ask her not to use reins if you paid her (if she feels they're needed for safety). I don't think you could insist she uses washables if you paid her.

You could maybe have more say over food (if you provided it).

But if she's caring for him in her own home she would have to become a childminder and get registered and go on courses and be ofsted inspected. I suspect she'd tell you to forget it!

Getback, yes I wouldn't dictate that she carry him in a sling at all times - much as I'd like that I do see it wouldn't be fair on her.

But I'd like her to accept an inward-facing buggy from us and to try that. I do think he'd be happier if he could see her. E.g. when he is in a car seat, he's always much happier if someone is sat next to him and he can see them.

Again if we paid her, I would be able to say, look, let's go shopping for a buggy where ds faces you, but that you also like. And if he really hates that too, then we can talk about reins.

Smoking... dh just won't tackle her on it, as she's been smoking for about the last fifty years and smoked around her own kids so she's not going to change now. I could deal with the smoking in the garden even with him around... but in the house is a big "no".

Reverse, I'm not entirely sure that paying her will change the situation much, except to make you poorer.

At the end of the day she is stil DSs grandmother who has her own idea about doing things and as everyone has said even if your DS was at a paid carer, there may be things on your list such as carrying your DS in a sling, that they may be unable to fulfill.

She is never going to be the same as a paid carer, even if you pay her full rates and tbh it's slightly insulting to her the idea that if you just pay her some money she will miraculously change from being a grandmother into a paid carer.

If you want a paid carer that you can dictate to ( sorry that is too strong a term but you know what I mean) then I think you are going to find someone else.

TBH I think you either need to find a childminder (and then buy her a buggy- although if she has other littlies and uses a twin pushchair ......) or accept the way your MIL does stuff. She;s still going to get pissed off about the buggy.

And she's really not going to want to be a childminder, have her house registered and checked, go on courses, have a CRB, be ofsted inspected just to look after her grandson is she? My Mum is great and loves the kids but she would tell me to get stuffed if I insisted she became a childminder.

Definitely do not allow smoking near DS. But you should allow her to use reins. She's not as young as you - can't run as fast. Its a big responsibility, the reins will help. You must think of her as well as DS and what you want. She sounds invaluable, except from the smoking.

I think you'll run into trouble, if you suggest payment AND insist she does things your way....she'll think you're treating her as the hired help (and she'd be right).

She is your child's grandmother, and the person who(presumably successfully) brought up your husband.

I think you have to let this go, aside from the smoking, but even that you'll have to handle sensitively, or else she'll jack in the childcare, and you'll find yourselves paying through the nose for childcare and STILL won't get what you want.

Maybe... I suppose you are right, but it makes me feel very helpless.

Tbh I'd prefer to be at home with ds but it would mean huge, huge sacrifices and though I would be prepared to make them, dh just wouldn't, especially when there's free childcare on offer. Maybe faced with the choice of nursery vs. me being a SAHM he might have to swallow the bitter pill and downsize (we only live in 2-bed terrace btw so we're not living the high life, but we have quite a few debts etc.) and cope without the "nice things" he's used to, like Sky TV and nice ham.

It would be a real stretch, but I know that at least, we could afford for me to work p/t. But he just refuses point blank to even consider it. Why should I "stop at home" and he go out and do the stressful job, and come home to cheap food etc. when there is free childcare on offer?

Tbh maybe this is something more than baby reins. But they seem like a symbol for the whole thing which is that I hate not being around ds and the only thing that gave me some relief from the guilt was knowing that mil would bring him up very similarly to how I would.

But now she's going back on it, or it seems that way to me. So I feel helpless.

My MIL looks after my neice - her granddaughter - pretty much full time. She does not want to be paid for her services precisely because with that payment would come expectations. Expectations that she would not necessarily want to meet. Expectations about when she could go on holiday, when she was ill, her approach to childcare etc etc.

No-one is going to treat your son in the same way as you do.

But she loves him. So if she's safe with him does it really matter?