Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

[ReverseThePolarity]

Wasn't sure where to put this.

We are very lucky to have mil as ds' almost-free childminder.

I've always been very into "attachment" style parenting; you know, slings, co-sleeping, that sort of thing. Call it pfb syndrome if you like but that's how I'd like ds to be raised.

Mil always said she agreed with me over the "Unconditional Parenting" style of child-raising (as per Alfie Kohn) in addition to AP-type concepts and said she wished she'd done it with her own kids.

So I was confused when some of the things she did included:
Ditching the sling and getting an outward facing buggy (i.e. facing away from mil so no interaction)
Giving him juice / tinned baked beans & sausage / "baby" crisps (you know those "Organix" ones) etc to eat
Putting him in disposable nappies
Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

And now, she has got him some of those kiddie reins. I am particularly upset because I really can't stand these things. I know opinion on MN is a bit divided over them but I can't bear them. But apparently, "he really creates when he's in the buggy" (that's the outward facing buggy mentioned above) so she wants to let him walk but have him on the reins. She told me today "I know you hate them but I need them and that's that" basically.

BUT having said all the above, she does adore him. She never lets him cry himself to sleep (the most important thing to me) and apart from the odd shouted "NO!" which does my head in, she is very gentle with him. He has one continuous caregiver during the day who really does love him.

Dh of course is no help. "We can't say anything as she is doing it for (almost) free". Besides he thinks I am too soft on ds anyway and it will do him good to have a bit of discipline etc. etc.

Is there anything I can do? Do I have to grin and bear this? I can't afford not to work and in the current economic climate need the job security of permanent office work.

I know you might all accuse me of pfb syndrome and the comments about mil's choices might even get your backs up if that's how you decide to parent. But you must understand, if you've made that decision, it's your decision. This isn't my decision, it's someone taking it out of my hands.

Feel quite upset, possibly irrationally, and please excuse any cruddy spelling that results from this!

Oh, and while I'm on a roll....

both my parents were heavy smokers when I was growing up, both smoked in the house, as did my grandparents.

I have never smoked, not one, and I am perfectly healthy. I am VERY anti smoking, I have dobbed in people I've caught having a sly one at work (a hospital).

I understand your attitude re smoking, but in the circumstances there may be worse things that could happen to your ds than being reared some of the time, by a single smoker.

Think hard, you could find yourself without a carer at all- you say you have no option but to work (it was the same for me), but you could end up having to pay for a nursery/ cm and still compromising.

Ok, I have read all this, and this is what actually really matters

Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

And EVEN these negatives are STRONGLY countered by the fact that you have an almost free childminder who LOVES your son. No other childminder will love your son as much.

You could always pay a childminder, but they might just take your money, say, yeah, yeah, yeah, and STILL not do what you ask. They won't love your son a tenth as much as your current 'childminder' either.

Ok so there are two completely separate issues going on here.

One that your MIL is looking after DS differently from how you would do it. As most people have said there are compromises in all paid childcare and the only real show stopper is the smoking.

Two, you want to work p/t so you can spend more time with your DS and your DH doesn't want you to, and the free childcare clouds the fundamental issue.

You know that its your DH that you need to talk to more than your MIL.

Good luck.

My son loves tea by the way. I give him his own cup now so that I can have my own tea in peace. ARe you horrified

I think you would find it even more awkward to pay her...as my hunch (based on my parents, no more than that) is that she'd still be resistant to some of your suggestions (on the basis that she's his grandmother so obviously knows best ) but you'd be paying her so your expectations are higher. If you're going to be paying childminder rates anyway I would suggest trying to finding a childminder who thinks like you do and starting from square one. Much better than paying a member of the family, imo.

I think you may have to address some of these issues yourself directly with her and not expect too much from your husband. Mine is hopeless at asking his mother to do anything - he finds it very uncomfortable so leaves it to me to do the over-protective mother thing ("please put on sun hats, don't give them chocolate before tea, don't let them be eaten by dogs"...).

Rookiemater I think you have hit the nail on the head.

GreenElizabeth the thing that gets me about the tea is the fact it's incredibly sugary and also the caffeine - he is a light enough sleeper as it is!

I don't think paying her will make any difference either, she's your mil and that won't change.What would you say to her-'I'm going to pay you so I can tell you what to do'?
You need to handle this very carefully so that she doesn't get offended, it's a big commitment looking after a grandchild,perhaps she's finding it a bit much trying to stick to all your preferences.

The only way you can have everything done your way is to have a nanny, or do it yourself, I think.

I would love to go back to work. I can't afford to though. I couldn't afford to pay a childminder for two, and I wouldn't want to work just to break even, I'd feel like I was chasing my tail.

I envy you that you have this opportunity to 'invest' in to your future/career iykwim. I'm not trying to brush aside your concerns, but at the end of the day.. you get to work. You get to earn....!

Personally I'm an AP parent too and wouldn't let anyone use reigns on my children. My mum is only 49 and mil a few years older, both are healthy and able etc.

I don't think it's pfb syndrome at all as I hvae 3 dc's now and am the same.

GreenElizabeth... I suppose the grass is always greener.

Maybe what irks both of us is that we don't really have much of a choice in the matter? If you could have a genuine choice whether or not to do paid work (and not be scraping the poverty line either way) you could feel happy with your choice.

Tbh things between dh and I are pretty bad anyway... really, he sees SAHMs of just one child as a bit lazy, you know, going to Mums and Tots groups all the time, out having coffee with their friends and given the care mil provides for ds is just as good... (or, I'm sure he thinks, better) as the care I'd provide... there is just no need for me to go part-time and for us to scrimp and save and worry about the bills. We really can have it all.

I know I sound like the typical ungrateful dil, I realise that. I just feel very trapped, both with the childcare situation, and being honest, the marriage.

JodieG1 I'm glad I'm not the only one. Although my mil is a bit older than your Mum. But she is very active and is always doing DIY involving heavy lifting etc.!

RTP I sympathise, my mum looks after DS a lot and it annoys me when she does something that I really disagree with.
However, I think you need to put your foot down about the smoking definitely (mention SIDS, and how you just can't be too careful) and the sugary tea (why?????????) and deal with the other stuff slowly if you can. My mum and MIL were both obsessed with DS having a dummy - he did have one but I tried not to overuse it, but they expected it permanently in. MIL in particular is obsessed with mashing his food as he doesn't eat very much, I am now pleased to have a comment in his nursery diary "We gave him finger food instead of mash and he ate slightly more than usual"
Mum, who has been involved in healthcare all her life has discovered these pom bear crisps and hands him one whenever he wants one claiming they are healthy - err no they're slightly less unhealthy than normal crisps! But I do think that mum and MIL are currently the only people I would leave him with without a second thought, and a bit of crisp eating and dummy sucking is worth that peace of mind. If you feel like that then probably best to pick your battles and then rant on MN with a huge "I know I'm lucky..." disclaimer

dont blame you for resenting the lack of choice rtp...
but being with his gran is worth lots to him as well as you!
can you not just raise a few issues gently one at a time, iirc you are quite close to mil? Enough to be honest and open?
I'm dreading leaving mine with DP and MIL when I go to Oz in October... Then I think oh fgs its two weeks woman. But still I am uptight just about the feeding thing!

Hi RTP. Thought Id bring my own comments onto your thread. Firstly I really feel for you and your current situation. Your husband doesnt sound at all supportive. Sounds a bit like my ex husband. His mum sounds like your MIL. She had her own ideas of bringing up children and always liked to have HER SAY and have her own way over the children. Thought Id BF too long etc. Anyway I think as you use MIL for free care you have to come and go with things slightly as we all have different ideas how to bring the kids up but older generations may have different ideas. I think the main issue here is that you want to be at home, cant be at home and therefore pick up on issues that arent really the be all and end all (except smoking). I think you really need to concentrate on sorting things out with your husband tho or things will fester.

Hi RTP, just to add my two-penneth...

You mentioned a whole list of stuff that she does...
Giving him juice / tinned baked beans & sausage / "baby" crisps (you know those "Organix" ones) etc to eat
Putting him in disposable nappies
Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

How do you know that she is doing most of this, unless she is doing it in front of you? If she is, then perhaps that is the time to bring things up on a case by case basis rather than storing it all up to be "things needing to be discussed".

I can understand that you have a dislike of the reins, but if MIL doesn't feel that ds is safe without them, then it looks like you may need to relent on that one. For waht it's worth, I'd say that the main one to focus on is the smoking - but you know that already .

i think that deep down you want to look after him yourself,but dh isnt allowing you to.

i think you need to do a bit of soul-searchingmaybe start a relationsips thread,and figure out whether your marriage is worth fighting for.

one thing i will say though is that you will not get this time back with ds,and if you are unhappy then you may need to make changes.

Diva, you're right. I've been soul-searching non-stop though for the last six months and still haven't worked out an answer .

And even if we did split, I'd still have to work, and would have to get a CM or put ds in nursery...

I just don't know.

Stella things have been bad for a while, Diva knows because we're on a postnatal thread together.

I don't think there's much love left in the relationship. But he's not like a total bastard or anything, never cheated, never physically violent... so it's hard to know what to do.

Dh wouldn't agree to three months out of work, and as I've started a perm job now, I wouldn't be able to anyway. Thing is it's the type of job where, if you get in and make your mark, you might be able to put in for p/t after a bit. Which is what I want. But dh won't go for it, especially with the economy the way it is.

However it's not really about the money. We could afford for me to work p/t. But it would entail tough sacrifices that dh just isn't willing to make. But I hear of other couples where they have given up so much just so one of them (usually Mum) can SAH. Even, this Saturday, one case where the Mum had been offered free childcare by her Mum. And the dh said, "as long as I can still afford to go fishing, you can be a SAHM because it's that important to you and for baby's upbringing, if that's what you want."

My dh would never say anything like that. For a myriad of reasons. Not least because he believes ds is better off with mil than with me, or at least I suspect that's what he believes.

Oh Stella, just re-read your message, you don't mean three months out of work, you mean three months in work but living on dh's salary.

I think that is a good idea, but I'm not sure he'd go for it. But let me have a think, it is at least worth trying. Thank you.

Can I just ask something -- and tell me shut up if I'm out of line. But, if your DH thinks staying at home is apiece of piss, does that mean you do all the childcare AND you go to work full time?

I personally feel that if you work the same amount of hours outside the home, that you carry the same weight inside the home when it comes to household chores and childcare.

I can't imagine why in this situation you would want to work less. I mean, I understand that you want to spend more time with your son, but giving up work would surely make you more vulnerable in an already unpleasant situation. Maybe my way of thinking is too rational for situation that obviously involves a lot of emotion. When I am faced with difficult choices, I try to look further down the line. So, not what will make me happy next month, but where will I be in 5 years and will I look back and think I did the right thing in the long term.

I don't know if this helps, but it sounds like there a whole lot more than tea and reigns lying beneath this thread. And you have to think about your long term future.

It also sounds like your DH is possibly more supportive of his mother than his is of his wife, and I would have to say that if that is the case he has got his priorities wrong way round.

Anyway, you are obviously having a rough time. Good luck!

RTP, 3 things:-

1. I also have grandparents who have been very active in looking after my DC's. I was very much like you in my frustrations about what happened under their watch (though never had smoking to deal with). BUT it really is PFB. If you sat down and had a heart to heart with her you would find that she ALSO finds it very difficult managing her instincts versus your rules. Lots of it is generational. Lots of it is just different views (and she can back hers up with '...and they turned out fine'). When I learnt how much my mum struggled with things i thought were basics (eg 'treats') I realised that she was doing the best she could to follow my rules, and it wasn't about not respecting what I wanted. YOU HAVE TO LEARN THAT HER HOUSE = HER RULES. Smokign is the only thing that may cause real harm; all the rest you can deal with. Set the general agenda and leave her to interpret as best she can. Kids are resiliant and you cannot recreate her love with anyone else.

2. Don't, whatever you do start paying her and then adding on conditions. It is an insult to her. If you want to give her gifts (eg buy her a nice holiday every once in a while) then that is a much better compromise

3. If you didn't have relationship problems before you had DS then I would pause before assuming that all your problems are down to you and DH having a deteriorating relationship. It could instead be that they stem from the shock of parenthood and will right themselves in the end. What you see as him wanting you to work so you don;t have to compromise your lifestyle could really be him wanting you to work so he doesn't feel as if he is drowning in the responsibility of looking after you all. Or he may see it as the way of getting back the person he married, if you have changed substantially. Doesn't mean he is right, just that there are lots of reasons for difficulty in adjusting to parenthood so don;t jump to conclusions. There isa good book called babyproofing your marriage which is quite funny and might help if you suspect that your problems stem from becoming parents.

Athena, yes I do the vast majority of the childcare when at home. I do all the night-time stuff (partly because I am bfing but also because dh needs his sleep - I don't apparently, as his job is higher paid than mine). He does all the cooking though, and any driving (e.g. supermarket) that needs doing as I am still taking lessons, and he does any DIY that needs doing (not much). I do everything else.

I can never decide whether or not we have a fair split.

Stella, he likes very expensive food and wines, he is really into his food and wines and spends a fortune on them. We also have Sky Sports and Movies which costs a fortune. He says, "life's too short to eat crap food" and wouldn't even countenance cutting back. He also wants a foreign holiday every year. Not a Majorca type one either, an interesting "off adventuring" one. And apparently this is something ds needs as well (he had it growing up so ds should too).

Squiffy I do see what you're saying. But she really can't back anything up with "and it never did them any harm". One of her sons is estranged from her. Her daughter and her have an incredibly tempestuous relationship. She openly admits she doesn't love her daughter as much as her sons (that includes the one who doesn't see her and calls her by her name rather than Mum). The only one who is close to her out of three is dh, but he is far too scared of her to ever say anything about the situation re: smoking.

I do know what you mean about me changing and him not knowing how to deal with it. But he has form - on maternity leave - when ds was just six weeks' old and always crying - he laid into me for not keeping up with the housework, and requested that I diet as I was eating too much comfort food and I wouldn't lose the baby weight that way would I? And he was just constantly nasty to me over petty things throughout my maternity leave.

He apologised for the weight comment but nothing else.

He always criticises things I do, but because he does it with humour, I can't take offence or I "can't take a joke".

I don't actually think he likes me much!