New AP - need advice

[Weegle]

New AP arrived on Wed night and she's driving me bananas. She's so negative and oppressive about everything (completely didn't come across like that in recruiting her, in fact the complete opposite). She acts like she knows it all, to the point that she won't let me finish a sentence of explaining something to her because she cuts me of saying something like "of course" (in a 'don't patronise me' kind of way), yet then doesn't know what she's doing. She is in my personal space all the time. If I am cooking she interferes etc. But the worst of all is how she is with my toddler son. She blocks me from him, thinking she is solely responsible for him rather than an extra pair of hands for me. She's negative with him, virtually on top of him all the time. He's now reached complete melt down today as a result. She woke him up from a sleep in the car by stroking his head - so maybe she thought she was being nice but it woke him up, he saw her face and was distraught, yet she still didn't stop. I had to stop the car and get him out to calm down and she still didn't get it just kept piping in "oh calm down, silly boy" - he barely knows her and she's there trying to hold him/stroke him etc all the time. She won't even let him eat in peace (I have actually said something about that because he just stopped eating). I just don't know what to do. This feels like a massive clash of personalities and so I just want to get rid. But should we speak to her and see if she can change? But how can she change who/what she is? She seems to not realise that I am his mother, she is new to him and needs to invest time to earn a place in his life - it won't just happen automatically. I'm so upset I don't know what to do. We are normally a happy lively home and it just feels sooooo oppressive. I can't bear seeing my little boy like this and I can't bear being in my own home . Please advise on what I should do????

OH NO Weegle!!!!
I just started a thread asking you how things were going!!!!!!
There's no point in trying IME, it just doesn't get better if theres a clash. If you want her gone, that's not going to improve in a few days.
Explain to her what the problems are, and suggest you think she'll be better somewhere else.
Really Sorry... Poor you and poor ds

that's how I feel but don't know how to do it in practice. And DH is saying HOW do we do it? Do we look up flights and book one before talking to her?

Ingles - to be honest if you new AP is lovely and chatty I'm not sure I'd want to inflict mine on you! She seems so different over email.

No..Don't book flights yet!
Give her a chance to find another family on APW or wherever but tell her that a flight will be booked for 2 weeks time..

Look up flights before you talk to her and then you can tell her options when you speak to her. That way it seems very final.
So I'd probably say....
AP...I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me because
........
So, obviously I like you to leave.
Now...
There's a flight on Monday at.....
or
would you like to look for another family? in which case I can book this flight on.... if you haven't found one

X post justabout
Good idea, book her into a YHA hostel just in case. is there one in TW?

will look in to it now... thanks so much. I'm hating this, I'm a nice person and I really don't want to upset her but I can't live like this!

Weegle...got to go to Tescos now , but email me if you need some help x

Sorry to hear your news.

Where is she from? Will it be difficult for her to return home, or is it somewhere European?

She's German - so maybe that explains the "of course"... and there's a flight tomorrow afternoon. Good in that there is one so soon, bad in that we would have to cancel plans to see some good friends, but we'll see.

Plan is to talk to her tonight once DS is in bed. DH is going to do the talking, and ask her what she thinks. And it explain we have to put DS first and he's clearly not happy etc etc. She seems quite independently minded so she may decide she wants to have a holiday here or something rather than going straight home, I don't know. We're dreading it but know it's the right thing to do.

Of course, I now have the major issue as to what to do for the next 3 months (we have one lined up to start in July who I have a much better feeling about). Due to disability I physically can't manage DS alone 5 days a week. So we're going to have to sort something, probably up his nursery hours which is going to cost us a fortune but at least I know he is happy there.

Hi Back again....
That sounds like a good plan,and I'm very impressed your dh is doing the talking. Mine wouldn't dream of it
Don't let this put you off though...there are crap AP's but there are good ones as well. Good luck tonight x

thanks ingles. I feel so crap about what we're planning to do. Somehow I have to get through dinner and bedtime first. DH is really not happy either. But I've just been reassured we can't carry on as she just came in the the kitchen whilst I'm cooking dinner and just stood there staring, peering in my pots, no comments, just this great oppressive prescence. And DS dissolved in to tears for no other conceivable reason. God this is hard.

Sounds awful, but it is only a few hours to go through. Don't feel guilty - I bet she is miserable too. Sometimes it fits, sometimes it doesn't.

If you want laid-back & positive next time, I highly recommend Scandinavians....

Well the horrid deed is done

She said she is happy here?! I haven't seen her smile or laugh once since she arrived??

Anyway it was all very awkward as we really didn't want to criticise her personality. She kept pushing and pushing "why?" "what should I do?" etc. And the reality is it's just a big personality clash between her and us. So we asked her what she wanted to do and she sort of muttered something about spending a few days seeing London and then get a flight later in the week. I'm not sure I can take another day of her but if she's going to be out all day then I guess the least we can do is provide a roof over her head for the next few days. She's now up in her room on Skype. And we feel terrible

And now I have to face the problem of what I do now...

I'd second the gumtree idea. I've had quite a lot of ap's interested in extra hours when I've put an ad up. Perhaps a live-out ap would be ideal for you?

Well done for getting it over quickly. Don't feel terrible,..I'm sure it's nothing personal and it is just so important to get a good match or you just don't feel comfortable in your own home.
Try gumtree as justabout said. or try APW etc. Don't bother with New AuPair. I registered with them and not a sausage.
Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. R will have free time so might be able to do some hours for you if necessary.

thanks all. I'm feeling a bit "raw" about it all so will take a few days to think over our options.

I'm not sure live out would work as we are reasonably rural (not like Ingles, but a v small town surrounded by fields) and so it's unlikely there would be anyone around. I did wonder about maybe a college student to do a few hours a day for a while? Would that sort of thing be possible? My main issue is lifting DS. I can do most things in the house with him because I've organised steps etc to enable him to get up to me, but I can't take him out on my own very easily, but I'm sure my friends will rally round to help until we are sorted. What a nightmare. My head is splitting and we just feel so bad we got it so wrong but she is SO different from how she came across the whole way through my "interviewing". I had a niggle but DH said go for it, I should have listened to that niggle

Ingles - wouldn't it be a bit of a long way for R to come? Otherwise it could be a good idea, but it probably wouldn't be worth her travel time??

Going to go to bed now and absorb myself in my book!

W... let me see what shes' like and I'm sure we can sort something out if she's good. Try and have a restful night x