New AP - need advice

[Weegle]

New AP arrived on Wed night and she's driving me bananas. She's so negative and oppressive about everything (completely didn't come across like that in recruiting her, in fact the complete opposite). She acts like she knows it all, to the point that she won't let me finish a sentence of explaining something to her because she cuts me of saying something like "of course" (in a 'don't patronise me' kind of way), yet then doesn't know what she's doing. She is in my personal space all the time. If I am cooking she interferes etc. But the worst of all is how she is with my toddler son. She blocks me from him, thinking she is solely responsible for him rather than an extra pair of hands for me. She's negative with him, virtually on top of him all the time. He's now reached complete melt down today as a result. She woke him up from a sleep in the car by stroking his head - so maybe she thought she was being nice but it woke him up, he saw her face and was distraught, yet she still didn't stop. I had to stop the car and get him out to calm down and she still didn't get it just kept piping in "oh calm down, silly boy" - he barely knows her and she's there trying to hold him/stroke him etc all the time. She won't even let him eat in peace (I have actually said something about that because he just stopped eating). I just don't know what to do. This feels like a massive clash of personalities and so I just want to get rid. But should we speak to her and see if she can change? But how can she change who/what she is? She seems to not realise that I am his mother, she is new to him and needs to invest time to earn a place in his life - it won't just happen automatically. I'm so upset I don't know what to do. We are normally a happy lively home and it just feels sooooo oppressive. I can't bear seeing my little boy like this and I can't bear being in my own home . Please advise on what I should do????

At least now this worst is over.. Easier said than done tho I suppose. I'm a nanny and posts like these make me hope and pray I'd notice if I wasn't a good match for a family, preferably at interview stage!

XX

Weegle I've come to this thread late on but you're right to do as you've done. You didn't have any other choice.

Speaking personally, one thing I don't enjoy about having an ap is managing her all the time. It really puts me off having another, I must say.

SimpleAsABC I forgot to say, ours is pretty honest I'd say on the whole but several things she said on the interview w/e turned out to be untruthful. I think she was keen to be whatever we wanted and then waited a day or two once she was with us to say "Oh, I don't eat this. And this. And this. And this. And I don't like playing that game (which she'd played happily with dd and I on that interview w/e) and won't play it ever again" etc. It's a shame she wasn't 100% honest at the interview stage. We were on our best behaviour, of course, but we were truthful. It makes me lose trust in the process, I have to say.

Well she has decided to stay until next Saturday basically to have a holiday here. She must have an incredibly thick skin because if I was in her position I would be on the next plane home. I was a bit shocked she has decided to stay so long but I'm hoping she'll be out during the days so it's not so awkward and the problems with DS don't escalate.

I'd be on the next plane home too, Weegle. Our ap is rarely out of the house, despite supposedly being an outdoor fanatic (we have beaches and mountains nearby). I hope she isn't under your feet and pulls her weight in the house, too i.e. doesn't expect to be a guest waited on hand foot and finger for the next week.

Well I think she does expect that to be honest! but that just serves to remind me it's the right decision.

She's gone out sight-seeing today and SHE asked me a question about the trains. She cut me off in my answer saying "oh I know". So I'm like, well why bloody ask then?! And she can't know - it was something so English and specific to our local station! But if she thinks she knows best on something like that then I stand no chance! And then she listed what meals she would be in for and need feeding! I thought, fine, I don't give a hoot you were obviously here for a holiday then. So I've deleted off my Tesco order all the blooming expensive meats she'd asked me to buy her, sod that she can have cereal or toast. And she had no qualms giving DH a print out for the most expensive flight you could take all week, stating she had already booked it. She could have flown home 2 hours earlier and it been nearly half the price! And we asked her to ok it with us first. Thick skinned I tell you.

aww weegle - sounds a nightmare

you have done the right thing,and as abc said, also as a nanny i would like to think i would know from an interview if the family wasnt right for me

it sounds as if AP just said anything to agree with you,to get the job and now is changing her mind

your children come first and hope you manage to find a new AP through gumtree etc soon

Morning..Weegle. She can't expect to stay for a weeks holiday, board and lodging for nothing. Tell her in return you expect a couple of hours cleaning a day. Cheeky mare!
If she doesn't like it, tell her to either stay somewhere else for her holiday or pay B&B rate.
I'm soo for you.. I'd even tell her that was not the most convenient flight for us and therefore you need to pay half as you didn't discuss it with us first
Honestly!

agree with ingles - i wouldnt pay for flight, esp as there was one earlier and cheaper she could of got - you did say check with you, hope she hasnt booked 1st class

and yes if staying with you till she flies, she can certainly earn her B&B and clean/bs for you

Gosh, it is difficult when things don't go as you'd expect, isn't it? Our ap said last w/e that her Mum would be coming to see her (as spoken of previously but it had to be postponed when she realised the cost of flights and transport to/from the airports) and she said that as her Mum has a slight disability atm, her Mum's boyfriend would be coming with her. She then said that she would give up her room to them and sleep on a mattress somewhere. I had to say that I'd have to consider that as having two people the children didn't know staying in the house is something quite big for me to consider and she then said "or I could find them somewhere local to stay" which I jumped on and I've been helpful in researching this. This will be at their cost and I think when they realise the costs involved, this travel plan will be shelved like her Dad's has had to be. You'd think I was running a hotel with free rooms and food, honestly! At least her Dad (who was due to come with his partner) had a dormabile vehicle so he could sleep there. Still leaves her brother who is supposed to be cycling here (from Germany) and who I don't intend to put up, but she hasn't asked as such yet.

Weegle I'd pay the cost of the cheaper flight only as you'd agreed that she'd have to agree it with you first, too. She has broken her side of the bargain. Also, she should earn her keep and contribute towards food costs, help in the house etc until she goes. Sorry that you're having to go through this.

Weegle - I can't believe that she feels like she can stay until next Saturday. Mind you, as you said earlier, she's happy at your house! It's just you and your poor DS that are miserable. I would work out a whole list of jobs that she could do in order to 'earn her keep'. Make them less than pleasant, and hope that she changes her mind about staying until Saturday. Has she got friends in the area that she could go to at all?

I would definitely only offer whatever percentage you decided upon of the price of the cheaper flight. Surely she's just done that to spite you?

Hmm, I just don't fancy bad feeling for the sake of 40 quid. I will however follow up all your thoughts about earning her keep. She can certainly do some of the domestic tasks but I don't want her anywhere near my son. We've had a lovely day out today with friends and DS was so at ease and happy, and himself. It made me realise that I'm not inflicting another minute of her on him, it's just not fair. Maybe I'm soft and I'm sure she's taking me for a ride but I just don't feel I could kick her out. She has some family friends in Torquay but that's about 200 miles from here! I want to know that I dealt with a bad situation as best as I could and not feel ashamed at all about how I treat her, and so I think I'm being more than fair really. DS and I have a busy week ahead of us so hopefully our paths won't cross too much.

Thanks so much for all your help and support - it's been so great to be able to come on here and have some back-up over the weekend.

Oh Weegle - how awful for you, so sorry things haven't turned out.

One thing we've learnt from our recent AP experience is introducing a 2 week probationary period. After the 2 weeks are up, we sit down, have a discussion together and let them know if we are happy/or not. If either side is not happy, then they will have 2 weeks to find another role/AP whoever is not happy. You may want to reduce this to a week though based on current experience.

Re: the questions, I've yet to find one who answered them honestly. Current AP said her health was excellent yet she had 3 days off due to a migraine. When I said I thought she said she was healthy, she said she hadn't had one for a year. But bless her, she's certainly made up for the 3 days, she's been a godsend.

On the flights, I only pay (in the contract) if they stay until the contracted end date. If they leave early (either side) then they have to pay.

If I recall correctly, if you check out Au Pair World, an Au pair is expected to have enough funds to support herself, should she not be in a family, for 3 months. Something I've only just learnt. She should also have the funds for her flight home.

justabouta - thanks for the idea and I would jump at it but I'm really concerned now about introducing someone new straight away to DS. But then I guess it would take a few weeks, oh I don't know!

We're waiting to hear back from his nursery to see if they can have him an extra half day. My main problem area now is his swimming classes as I can't do that. I guess the worst that happens is we just miss it and we lose this term's money. DH is taking him tomorrow morning but obviously that's not a long term solution!

MrsR - that sounds like a good idea. Will build that in to future contracts. Unfortunately we already have paid for the flight this time but know for the future!

Weegle, how old is your ds?
Mine now 6&8 have had AP's come and go for years, some staying weeks others years and they have always shocked me in how resiliant they are. As long as Mum/Dad are consistent they really don't care and understand so much more than you think. When A (car crash AP) was leaving, I asked them if they wanted to go and say goodbye etc etc. "No"...ds1 said... "she has behaved apallingly and I just don't know how she can treat us like that"!!!!!!!!! They've never mentioned her again (good job I'd probably be spitting fire) and have been so blase about the whole thing.
Anyway,...it sounds like you need help atm and ds will be totally fine as long as mum is there for a cuddle.....x

thank you

He's 22 months and I just feel like he's at an age where he vaguely understands but not enough IYKWIM. I know he'll be ok in a week or so and I'll wonder what all the fuss was about!

I must try and be positive about it all - it's hard because in a perfect world I would be caring for him full time but I have to accept I just can't do that and being the stubborn independent mare that I am that doesn't come easily!

Anyway, his old au pair who he adored is due to Skype us in a little later so hopefully that will reassure him that she hasn't just disappeared.

I can't tell you all how great it's been to have some online support! DH is feeling quite worried about it all too so trying not to go on about it too much with him.

Just a quick thought - you mention nursery - could you approach the manager and ask if any of her staff would be interested in taking ds swimming on their days off. I did it before when I needed someone to look after DDs for a day and had a lovely girl help out. The Manager even knew immediately who would be good for me and DDs.

that is a fab idea MrsR - I shall ring them tomorrow and ask. Because they would be local it would be worth their time. Thank you!