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Original poster

Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

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stayathomer · 13/04/2023 17:08

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

oh right okay, because she’s not doing them a favour by minding the children? A child expert was asked this recently op and she said if you’re minding the children the odd treat is totally your choice. I know it’s easy to say, but you are doing them a favour. The entitlement of some people!!!!

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 13/04/2023 17:09

I think you need to explain that it is unfair to treat the two children differently when they are together so the best thing, if they are unwilling to compromise on the treats, is you cut down to only minding their child on the one day when the other grandchild is not there.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/04/2023 17:09

Change treats from food to activities that would rare to them instead e g. Painting, water fight.

Sugargliderwombat · 13/04/2023 17:10

I don't understand why this is an issue, just give "healthy" treats. Strawberries, yoghurt covered raisins, smoothies.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 17:10

Crimblecrumble1990 · 13/04/2023 17:00

@ShonaShoop

You are derailing the thread with your chip on your shoulder about some grandparents providing free childcare by incessantly commenting on people offering suggestions.

The OP asked 'what can I do about it'. My suggestion was give them 'healthier' versions of treats.

Let's go 3 times lucky with the magnums because I like them so much: e.g a frozen yoghurt lolly instead of a choc magnum.

HTH.

Parents providing snacks for their DC is out of the question then?

sillysmiles · 13/04/2023 17:10

If they want to spend time with my child without me they are free to if they follow the parenting practices I have put into place.

But they are not the parents. They have done their parenting, establishing rules and boundaries, establishing discipline and parental bonding etc.
They are grandparents. Their job isn't to be the ones following the nitty gritty of the rules, because they've done all that already. This time, they get to indulge them and enjoy them as little ones. And the kids get indulged and loved on and fussed over and a general feeling of being adored. For the percentage of their lives they spend with their GPs, being indulged isn't going to turn them into monsters.

LemonPledge555 · 13/04/2023 17:10

Are you really supposed to see it as a privilege that you’re allowed to look after DGC? Bloody hell. I’d ask them to consider the position you’re in having two, with a well established routine with the first one. And consider what a bloody huge favour you’re doing them in having DGC 2 days a week. Where I live that’s at least £130 a week in nursery fees. It doesn’t sound like you go mad. Are they paying you £130 a week?!

My mum occasionally has my DD6. A few weeks ago DD was out of sorts (not unwell) and my mum had her as a favour to me. I wasn’t best pleased when realised shed let DD watch about 4 hours of iPad (in one day!), but to be fair I hadn’t given any expectations. I’ve now just said 1-1.5 hours max per day please, not in addition to TV - either or. I know she’s doing me a favour and I don’t think she needs a bloody ping list of how to look after her. But her screen time is important to me and even if she doesn’t agree, my mum respects it and we meet in the middle!

Sugargliderwombat · 13/04/2023 17:11

Just go along with it and bend the rules. 😁

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 17:11

@SunnySaturdayMorning that's mighty big of you.

"This is how I raise my child, if you are happy to follow that..." - these parents give the treats at home. This IS how they raise their kids. Is the sugar less sugary at their house?

This is a stupid, pointless, mean-spirited rule and of course it's blackmail to threaten to withhold the kids if granny breaks it. Despicable.

Justcallmebebes · 13/04/2023 17:14

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Hmm Well maybe they should find alternative child care then!!

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 17:18

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:45

@ShonaShoop I'm not sure why my childcare and my sons grandparents situation seems to offend you so much. No I do not use grandparents for childcare but how do you know op hasn't volunteered? Her son has said he will go elsewhere so isn't hesitating to pay for childcare if needed. How do you know her son isn't providing the snacks and op isn't just ignoring those and giving out what she deems acceptable. Parents saying no to sugar isn't am attack on older generations its just following NHS and WHO advice. I don't judge those who give their kids sugar and who don't. I give my child snacks but it's about the frequency and type. Her son is clearly not wanting his child to have sugar which is his choice and he has said he can find alternative child care it that's an issue. Doesn't sound like op wants to stop the childcare but also doesn't want to leave grandson out. I have suggested toddler snacks as an alternative and showed that actually she isn't being picked on as a grandparent and that others feel the same as her child does.

OPs snack time for her GC’s doesn’t offend me at all. I’m not interested in your situation.

If my DS said he didn’t trust me not to give my GC nutritious snacks I’d tell him, in no uncertain terms, to find alternative Child care. If DS didn’t provide suitable snacks for his DC he’d have to accept the snacks I provide or find alternative child care. No ifs or buts about it.

slowquickstep · 13/04/2023 17:18

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

😂

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 17:20

Justcallmebebes · 13/04/2023 17:14

Hmm Well maybe they should find alternative child care then!!

Show quote history

I agree, as do they. OP’s son has already said they will find alternate childcare if OP is not on board.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 13/04/2023 17:22

I'm 50/50. The whole point of grandparents is to spoil their grandchildren (😉), but by being a child care provider you don't want to be normalising junk food. 18months is a bit young for salty and sugary snacks, perhaps you would be better if treats could be nutritious. I had to ban sugar when mine were toddlers as the sugar rushes were manic! Toddlers eat such tiny amounts compared to adults that they will end up getting full of junk and not eating proper, important meals. Treats should be doing nice things, not just sugar.

Mariposista · 13/04/2023 17:23

MissMarplesbag · 13/04/2023 16:43

I was going to say the same thing. My ex sil was very twitchy about rules and what she'd allow the kids to have at my mums. At her parents there were no such rules at all. My DB had to abide by her controlling rules otherwise we'd not be allowed to see dn.

When dn turned 1, sil said they wouldn't be doing a birthday tea party because baby wouldn't remember. Fair enough, we all dropped gifts round the week before. We respected sil's wishes to celebrate privately as a nuclear family. The following day, pictures go up on Facebook of a birthday bbq at her mums with her entire extended family. She is a grade 1 bitch and my brother has finally woken up.

Show quote history

What an absolute arsehole. Your DB is well shot. I hope he has got a fair custody arrangement (preferably one she doesn't like haha)

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 17:24

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 17:20

I agree, as do they. OP’s son has already said they will find alternate childcare if OP is not on board.

Show quote history

And the OP is also under the impression that if this happens they won’t let her see her grandchild again. She did also say that she got the feeling she was the last resort in childcare though - so perhaps no-one else was willing to go along with their stupid rules.

Nice little line in blackmail they’ve got going on there.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 17:25

@Proudofitbabe For me it doesn’t really matter what the issue is. I don’t have ridiculous rules like the OP’s son does (and I do agree that it is ridiculous, but also that it is their choice to make), mine are more along the lines of following ERF, safe sleep, weaning guidelines, safety practices etc.

I just need to be able to trust whoever is looking after my child, and that goes from the small to the big.

If they are willing to lie over something small that means I cannot trust them because next time it might be something big that they don’t see as a big deal (eg. My parents think ERF is ridiculous but obviously follow it.) but I do.

If they were willing to lie over something small they are showing an inability to be trusted when the situation is more extreme.

RJnomore1 · 13/04/2023 17:25

Sorry but to return to an earlier comment - what “benefit” does a grandparent get from giving a grandchild unhealthy food?

Ive never understood this, and when I am a grandparent if I ever am I’d want to give my grand children as much support for good health and teeth in later life as I could manage. Why does crappy food equal grand parent treats? The time and fun together are the benefit to both surely?

And yes my children were allowed a fair share of treats when they were little (now young adults) but I did actively stop my own parents spending time alone with them and paid for child care because they couldn’t be trusted to put their best interests first over their desire to feed them crap and as they got older indulge them in other ways too.

How is being asked not to give the child you supposedly love things that aren’t good for them in any way an issue? 😳

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 17:27

Interesting that op didn't come back to this and it followed so swiftly after the other thread about grandparents providing childcare.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 17:30

You could ask the same thing of the child’s parents @RJnomore1 - they’re happy for their child to have treats the other 5 days of the week

STopItnoww · 13/04/2023 17:32

@GrandmaNelly
I would stop all babysitting for your grandson for now.
You are doing them a huge favour looking after him (presumably unpaid).
They know you are desperate to spend time with your grandson so they think they have leverage over you.
My suggestion is to stop the babysitting services and start spending more time with your granddaughter.
Once they realise you are not bothered they will be 'crawling back' for help.

Baaaaaa · 13/04/2023 17:37

I've never understood this. You are their grandmother. You managed to keep your own kids alive. Kids aren't possessions of their parents. In loco parents, you are the parent and have a right to your own relationship with the child.

Very unreasonable of your child or child in law. Far too controlling.

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 17:38

@SunnySaturdayMorning I'm with you on needing trust - of course. But parents should not weaponize that concept as a means of enforcing bizarre rules which even you acknowledge are ridiculous.

For instance - IF the parents said granny can't play with the kids, or cuddle them. Let's face it that's about as ridiculous as banning the biscuits the child has at home. Would this also be ok with you, as it's THEIR rules? No matter how harmless the activity, and how stupid / unfair the rule is - once it's made it must be blindly obeyed or the kids can't see their grandparents? If granny makes her own call and keeps it quiet she's suddenly untrustworthy?

These parents are being weirdos and normal person logic needs to overrule them!

Bunda · 13/04/2023 17:40

Weird. I let GPs treat my kids more than me as it helps their relationship which means the world to me.

Love the amount of childcare you are providing btw. That's amazing. You are fab!

Peachy2005 · 13/04/2023 17:44

Massive CFs- having you make up a day you missed due to illness screams that they feel they have an entitlement to this childcare from you. They are probably weighing up the amount of childcare you have provided for the other GC to make sure they are getting their “fair” share. Wait till you need to miss another day and take note of what their attitude is!