Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

[GrandmaNelly]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

@GrandmaNelly
I honestly think you need to step up for yourself and show them that you are not to be treated in this manner. Just explain that it is too difficult for you to continue this arrangement. They will of course feel very unhappy about it and they may even accuse you of favouritism and may go low contact.
I would for now just focus your energy on your daughter and your granddaughter. They are the ones who appreciate all you do for this family.

Your son is bullying you into doing it. They want to be the Disney parents who dole out treats and you are big mean grandma.

You sound a lot like my mum who adores who grandchildren and very kindly looks after our child two days a week, saving us hundreds and allowing them to have a wonderful relationship. I would be mortified if she felt the way that you do. I am so grateful for the love and care she brings to our children, that I'm sure they will carry with them as they get older.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the snack/treat situation, just avoid it by sticking to healthy snacks and it doesn't need to be an issue. It must be so hard as you clearly adore your grandchildren but are not being treated fairly.

Exactly and we don't do that!
If MIL wanted to share a particular show with them, she'd let us know and we'd say that's ok if it's not an all the time thing (and provided it was appropriate of course), but I wouldn't dream of foot stamping and laying down the law in HER house when she is offering us help.

You also should have checked re. the squash and not just assumed.

Seriously? This is the child's grandmother, who is providing regular childcare twice a week, free of charge, and she is expected to ask permission before anything she offers the child to eat or drink, passes his mouth?

Do you ever let your child go to someone else's house without a list of things they're allowed to eat or drink? Do they ever get to go to a party?

I am genuinely curious about their thinking behind this. It's a bizarre thing for them to have in place and to be SO rigid about.

They don't sound nice tbh. I would never treat my mum or mum in law like this when they have the grandkids. Your being a brilliant gran and yes it sounds like your being used. But its not the child's fault and I'm glad you love them all.

So you are giving up your ENTIRE week to give presumably free childcare?! Does your DIL mother help out?

Unless you are literally feeding a diet of nothing but crisps, party rings and ice cream then they are being so bloody ridiculous!! Even at nursery etc they get a treat eg cake and custard!!

Honestly op you are not at all being unreasonable! Just give the treat on a weds and deny all knowledge if asked

I assume you mean a biscuit or small pack of buttons or similar and not a full on tube of Pringles!

@Mammyloveswine three days a week I childmind my DGC. I also see DGC1 with DD as I am quite lonely, normally 1-2 days a week I spend with DD.
Yes, one biscuit or one fun size chocolate.

He's controlling your time with your other DGC too OP and I imagine he knows that.
I think this is jealousy pure and simple because he knows that you wouldn't give 1 without the other, he then had to come up with a BS excuse.

I do think they're being unreasonable and definitely being cheeky as they're getting free childcare. The problem is it's their choice who does childcare and continuing to give treats will run the risk of them not letting you do it. I suspect it won't though as 2 days childcare will save them a fortune.

Just read all your updates @GrandmaNelly. Sorry but your DS sounds horrible and the way he treats you is absolutely disgusting!!! Id be calling him out on how he treats HIS OWN MOTHER!

Has he always been so entitled and self important? He is being a vile, manipulative bully and I do wonder how he treats his wife too.

No way would I put up with a sibling acting like this with my parents!!! Tbh my parents would tell me to piss off and arrange my own childcare if I did!

You sound absolutely wonderful and this thread hurts my heart at how your immense generosity and kindness is being repaid.

My dad once looked after my 6 month old for 2 hours... I came back and they were sat in the sun sharing a magnum! Not at all what I'd give him but a few licks of ice cream really didn't do him any harm! (I mean ice cream his favourite food now but I'm pretty sure it's not down to those few licks 7 years ago )

@Mammyloveswine i love my DC the same, but I have always had a ‘fuller’ relationship with DD. DS and DDIL have always been quite distant. I would say it’s got worse since I lost my DH, but not sure if that’s my fault for trying to avoid confrontation. My DD says I need to be stronger.

Sounds tricky, but would be solved easily if the morning and afternoon snacks they can pick from are healthy, instead of crisps and chocolate. Surely you care about their health, and teeth?

Surely if the parents don’t trust Granny to make reasonable decisions, they shouldn’t be using her for childcare full stop.

My mum is a bit the opposite in that if I make a passing comment, she’ll take it as The Rules For Ever. E.g when DD was a tiny just weaning baby, I mentioned we didn’t give her more than 1/3 banana at once. Mum recently worried 18mo DD eating a whole banana was against The Rules, nope she’s bigger now it’s fine!

I do my best to follow the rules I have never knowingly/intentionally broken any rules and I wouldn’t. If DS did not let DGC have anything I would certainly follow/support this, it’s more so that I was hoping I would be allowed to indulge DHC2 as they do anyway and then I can treat DGC together. Even if that meant compromising and treating them less often.

Granny’s goody cupboard sounds like an absolute dream for a young kid. Or anyone, for that matter. To me, grandparents are there to enjoy their grandkids, to make coming to visit them exciting and associated with bending the rules a bit. It’s a shame your son can’t see that.

When they were little our girls were looked after by granny if necessary. We never worried about it as she raised me and though I say it myself she did well😀. We now look after the grandchildren as needed and we don't get instructions from the mums unless they're not well. I hope they think we did a good enough job of raising them to trust us with their children.

It's really not the point though, is it? The son and DIL are treating OP abominably. And THEY give their son treats, so it's not about healthy eating. It's about control. They want to be the ones who get the kudos from their kid when he had a biscuit. But grandma isn't allowed.

FFS, son comes to pick him up from OP's house and promptly gives him the snack that OP isn't allowed to! In her house, in front of her! That's some kind of controlling power play.

Amen ..100%agree! My children were given grandma treats and they still talk about her with so much love ❤️

It’s normal to have some requests. Eg I would rather my daughter drinks only water or milk. But there’s a nice way to put it. “If you can’t respect our wishes we will look into alternate childcare” is a shitty way of talking to a grandparent. it’s not just the money they’re saving, their children are having golden time with grandma.

let them use a nursery, cheeky so and sos.

That all sounds like you want to give a lot of treats for a 1 year old.

Squash isn't a good option for a baby, grapes are obviously problematic, as is giving a sharp kebab stick to a 1 year old. It seems that you want to give a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar every time you have the child plus squash to drink. I wouldn't be happy with this either. I expect it's your approach to treats (including for bribery) that is leading to your DS having much strict rules and regulations wanting to allow the treats himself. I don't think he trusts your judgement on it at all. I wouldn't either.

If he doesn't trust the OP's judgement on this then the best thing for him to do is to look for paid childcare that he trusts then.

Agree. Sounds stressful all round.

I agree with this.

Why can't the "treats" be apples, bananas etc?

You should not be giving kids crisps and chocolates and certainly not for good behaviour.