Grandparent refusing to help with grandchild

[Jay210]

Hi all, I absolutely know that having a child is my responsibility but I just need to vent.

For background information my mum cared for her first grandchild (my brothers daughter) on a Monday each week from age 1 till age 3 as both parents worked full time.

I have since have a baby (my mums second grandchild) and she has made it clear she will not help with any form of childcare. She is retired and hasn’t given any explanation as to why but in the past she has made comments ie.that she couldn’t make plans on a Monday etc so I am unsure if it is the responsibility of childcare she doesn’t want again.

I know my child is my responsibility but AIBU to feel upset by this? I would never have thought twice if she hadn’t helped my brother but to have one grandchild and not the other I just find odd.

I feel a level of rejection due to it all which I understand is my own personal issues but it has made me feel like my daughter is not wanted/important to her.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

It's hard to say. What's the age gap between your kids? Is she still looking after your DBs child? Do you work full time?

My DM was the same. First born grandson (my nephew) was the apple of her eye. When his sisters came along, she refused to care for them, and subsequent grandchildren (from other siblings and me) didn't get the time of day.

There's no point getting upset, it won't help. It just means she'll miss out.

She probably committed to looking after your brothers kid and regretted it quite quickly as it is a huge restriction on her life, it would be more difficult to back out after committing than to not offer in the first place, so she didn't want to do it again.

Its not personal towards you and your daughter, she probably doesn't want to see her grandchildren as a chore.

Maybe she liked the idea of it last time but not the reality; so many threads on here of GP childcare not working out. That and she’s older now. I wouldn’t take it as a personal rejection.

She's potentially done it for three years for your brother, realised she doesn't want to make so much of a commitment again for another 3 years of her life - meaning like she said, she can't make plans on that day, always has to be available etc.

Plenty of things get done for one person and not another in family's, tbh it's annoying but not really something I would be giving that much thought to.

Rather she was honest and upfront now, rather than commit to something out of guilt and resent doing it for you.

gosh it’s hard - logically then of course you know it’s your child your responsibility, that grandparents don’t owe you childcare etc - but of course the unfairness of one sibling getting that help (and therefore being financially better off), and not the other will be hard to not take personally.

perhaps focus on this being a good thing - your mum obviously found it tough and resented having to spend her Mondays looking after your DN, someone who didn’t want to be doing care is unlikely to have provided the best level of care, so while your childcare will cost more, you can be confident it would be better quality for your dc, compared to a grandparent caring out of duty or fairness, but would rather be anywhere else.

If you’d done a job for two years which you found restrictive to your lifestyle and which you therefore didn’t enjoy (or, I assume, get paid for), would you volunteer yourself to do it again out of a sense of obligation?

This isn’t one of those things where your mum owes childcare to you because she did it for your brother. Based on her comment about not being able to make plans etc previously, she doesn’t want to put herself in that situation again. If your brother had a second child she may well say exactly the same to him, despite helping with his first. Would he have a right to be annoyed if she did, because she didn't treat his two children the same? Or is she entitled to make the decision that best suits her, based on the context at the time?

Out of interest, will you also be going back to work full time? And/or were you planning to pay your mum?

She did it but found it a tie and doesn't want to do it again, she will also be slightly older this time. Regular childcare is a bind and it's probably more a case of once bitten twice shy rather than personal

Sound like she found it tiring and restricting, and now she is older (so likely to find it more tiring) and retired (so wants even less to be restricted).

I would hope she offers you babysitting at other times though.

I don't think you're wrong to feel like that - I'm sensitive and I know I would feel like that too.

However, as others have said, maybe your mum regretted tying herself to doing a fixed days childcare every week? Maybe she's feeling older/more tired now than she did back then? Ultimately it's her decision and she doesn't even actually need a reason to say no, she's entitled to do as she pleases with her time.

But I get it.

Definitely see where you’re coming from and I’d be upset in your position. If she has said as obviously as it sounds I wouldn’t force the issue anymore, just don’t mention it and see how it pans out. My in laws made noises about not looking after second DC after they’d taken DC1 once a week until she started school. We accepted this, however once DC2 was born within weeks they were saying how much they’d love to look after him! I think sometimes you need to wait a bit, I’m not sure how old your DC is? Either way try and forget it completely and look into what childcare is available to either pay for or reciprocal childcare with friends for more ad-hoc things.
If it’s regular childcare you need then you’ll probably just need to pay for it but if it’s as-hoc definitely explore with friends or even your brother and his wife whether they might help out.

When I first went back to work MIL had DD every Monday, within a few months it became clear that it was more work than she had expected and could cope with. It didn't mean she loved me or DD any less it just meant that what she had been able to do with her baby 40 yrs earlier was harder now she's older.

Your mum isn't trying to hurt you, she's being realistic about what se he is able and willing to do.

Thanks everyone for your replies I appreciate it a lot.

I will be returning to full time work, condensing my hours to four 10 hour days to have one weekday free to care for my daughter.

My mum is aware we will struggle tremendously with childcare fees and we both work full time. I would have paid my mum to care for my daughter (probably a little less than I would pay for a days nursery).

My brother is financially a lot better off than we are so it does make me think (from comments) that she liked the idea of being ‘Nan’ but not the reality - I just wish she’d be honest about it as she previously accused me of being confrontational when I asked why.

Also my mum is mid 50s. My parents were lucky to be able to retire quite young.

thanks everyone x

You offer to do what you do at the time. It sounds like she was up for the first round of childcare for 3 years or maybe felt obliged to continue once she started..who knows?
Time moves on, we get older and can't always do what we did. Another 3 years of young childcare is a lot to take on as you get older. I went above and beyond for one set of grandchildren but certainly couldn't do it again.

Maybe they want to be able to enjoy their retirement without being tied to childcare.

having had three years of being tied they have realised how restrictive it is

Op, same here. My brother had three times a week childcare for 2 years. I've had nothing and daughter is 3 year old now. It's crap.

YABU and I really wouldn't start building up a grievance here. Your DM probably offered to babysit grandchild number 1 in a fit of enthusiasm, and then found it tedious and restrictive, and found that the parents had lots of opinions about exactly how she should do things, and she made a mental note "never again". This happens all the time, I have seen it over and over with friends.

If you choose to let this damage your relationship with your mother everyone will lose, including you and your baby.

I agree it is unfair, and I'd feel snubbed but perhaps she realised the last time how hard looking after a young child is.

I would try and make your peace with it and find a childminder or nursery where your little one will settle quickly - and just try to not take it personally.

I also work the 10 hour days to have a full day off with DC and it has been great, so at least you have that!

She owes you no explanation, and you are being confrontational asking for one. I’m a grandma, I’m in very good health and would still not commit to a regular thing, though I’m happy to help out when needed on the odd occasion if I can. I don’t have to justify why I won’t look after someone’s else’s child, no matter what I may or may not have done in the past. Expecting answers makes you sound very entitled, just stop it.

Did your parent give any explanation? I just feel strangely rejected and I can’t shake the feeling

Agree with everyone else, it sounds no more complicated than she's tried it and realised it's too restrictive for her. Not unreasonable; I definitely wouldn't do it either (not that I will be able to retire in my mid-fifties in a couple of years anyway!). I can completely sympathise with why you feel it's unfair because she did it for your brother, but that sounds as if it was the luck of the draw.

very similar situation here, my SIL child was looked after by my PIL once a week for a couple of years. There was never any suggestion of this happening for my daughter who is 3.5 years younger. Slight difference in that they live too far from us to make it feasible and my FIL health has declined in that time. I have never felt the slightest bit resentful of this, despite the fact it must have cost me £4-5k over the years 🤷‍♀️ I think they found it very hard work by the end and we’re glad to give it up when my niece started preschool so I wouldn’t expect them to do it again, even if they lived close enough. They are always happy to help out in emergencies and stuff though, but like your parents prefer not to be tied.

Perhaps she has had enough and now just feels too tired and doesn't want a commitment like that.
When it's your first grandchild it will have been a while since looking after small children so it's easy to forget just how hard it is, especially when you are older .
Now she knows and doesn't feel able to do it agan.

she has told you the reason- it’s too restrictive. She shouldn’t have to continue providing childcare indefinitely just so that any and all grandchildren that are produced are treated ‘equally’. You say both your parents are retired, why is your mum being singled out?

What does she mean by no childcare?

I understand if she doesn't want to commit to a schedule while you're at work or provide it on a regular basis...but, does she mean she won't even babysit for the odd evening if you want a night out?