Grandparent refusing to help with grandchild

[Jay210]

Hi all, I absolutely know that having a child is my responsibility but I just need to vent.

For background information my mum cared for her first grandchild (my brothers daughter) on a Monday each week from age 1 till age 3 as both parents worked full time.

I have since have a baby (my mums second grandchild) and she has made it clear she will not help with any form of childcare. She is retired and hasn’t given any explanation as to why but in the past she has made comments ie.that she couldn’t make plans on a Monday etc so I am unsure if it is the responsibility of childcare she doesn’t want again.

I know my child is my responsibility but AIBU to feel upset by this? I would never have thought twice if she hadn’t helped my brother but to have one grandchild and not the other I just find odd.

I feel a level of rejection due to it all which I understand is my own personal issues but it has made me feel like my daughter is not wanted/important to her.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

I think volunteering to do something when you have never done it before can be an eye opener. And once you have done something once, it can put you off doing it again.

I don't think it is unreasonable to feel upset. Your brother has probably had £5000 worth of childcare and you get nothing. Obviously things change but I think it would have been helpful for your mum to have talked to you a bit more about it and perhaps acknowledged that it is essentially unfair to do so much for one but not for the other. We've had a lot of support from grandparents but we regularly check in and try and have honest conversations about it... And it was a factor in having a second child and I needed my parents to be really honest about what (assuming no catastrophes) they could do. Of course noone is obliged to provide childcare, but it's not a trivial thing and I think needs careful thought and honest discussion either way.

Yeah it sucks.

MIL cares for SIL’s DD one day a week but our two children get nothing from her except an odd visit. (They’re all the same age; literally months apart)

Posters are calling you entitled but your mum was happy to help out your brother and not you. Clearly there is some favouritism happening with the grandchildren and I wouldn't stand for it.

I would send a text saying that you're incredibly disappointed in the favouritism she's showing her grandchildren and you never thought she would treat us so differently.

Just make sure you don't go out of your way for her in future. She made her bed. Golden child can run about after her. You're busy with your own children.

We had the same experience but can now say we have done it without any help but still was unfair how the other got all the help and we had none

I get where OP is coming from, but it’s a reality sometimes that those who have kids first get more time and attention! My SIL had her 2 first and they had regular childcare from her parents. By the time ours were born 5 or so years later they didn’t want to look after young children regularly anymore.
It does suck a bit, my husband has always felt second best to his sister and his parents have spent way more time with SIL kids than they ever will with ours. But that’s their choice to make. I also wouldn’t want them to dislike looking after my kids but feel obligated! It’s a complicated one.

I know I have posted earlier but wanted to add that as a grandparent it is my right to refuse to look after grandchildren. I have only refused once and that was because I was away from home, but I do have that right and my children know it.

In all honesty, I wish they did not ask as often as they do because I get tired more easily these days. Having said that - my partner informs me that my children and my grandchildren all adore me so I must be doing something right.

When I had my first baby my mother told me on the day I brought him home not to expect a babysitter. Her time of looking after children was over she said.
I had three children and only asked her to look after them twice. The first time was when my oldest had to be circumcised (he was three) and we asked her to look after my daughter just for the day and she said a flat 'No'
The second time was when he had his tonsills out.. again a 'No'.
She babysat for my sister's two boys (same ages as mine) having them to stay at the weekend and overnights all the time. I understood but it did not stop me feeling sad. She just did not like me or my children much.
I am glad I am not like this

I've always said that gp shouldn't have to look after their gc. Esp full time

They've done their child rearing. Worked for years and now want some done off

Saying that one day a week would have been nice as did for your brother

Equally she's now older. A baby /toddler is tiring and can't make any plans

You will have to pay for childcare and think of it as from both your salaries

Not just yours and going to work to pay for childcare

Keeps your career going and in 2yrs then 15yrs hours helpa little

I'm a grandma. My dh and I watch our 4 year old grandson EVERY Saturday. We have been doing it for almost 2 years. My son and DIL both have to work on Saturdays. DH and I both still work too. I adore my grandson but I won't lie. It's exhausting. We try to work it out so just one of us goes every other week. So I get one Saturday off a month. We can never do anything together on a Saturday unless it's something I can bring dgs to. The reality is a lot harder then what you think it will be. So in future when his brothers have kids I'm sure I will be unlikely to get into an agreement like this again. Doesn't mean I love this grandson more, or this son more. It's just reality that watching little kids is HARD when you get older

I think this is horrible and a selfish response

I don't think the brother is necessarily the favourite...he just happened to have kids first

@AzureOrchid Helping out family works both ways. If the parent is only willing to help out one of her children, then they can't expect the other child to help them. Very entitled attitude to have.

I hear stories on here all the time where grandparents don't make even the slightest effort for their grandchildren, and leave their children to struggle through emergencies, refusing to help. But when they are older and need help with their shopping or appointments suddenly family helps family. Often the OP is tying themselves up in knots trying to help them and deal with their own family issues at the same time. Sad really.

I do notice you say "we enjoy" ". We find it exhausting sometimes" "we can usually swap with other grandparents" the op talks of one person on her own....how exhausting would it be if you were on your own or if you didn't have the others to swap with? Childcare on your own of a toddler is hard as you get older and less used to it things get harder. People's health varies greatly some women walk the menopause with a few hot flushes and little else, others struggle with extreme exhaustion, aches and pains onset of bone density loss etc. arthritis can kick in making getting off the floor, doing poppers etc harder. It's pretty easy to think everyone of your age is physically as able as you but that's not how it works.

Why do you assume elderly people expect to be looked after by their children? Most I know don't want to burden their offspring they don't tell them when they get I'll or go for tests if things are getting harder due to the pain they carry on and cover it up. All the 70 plus year olds near me live in their own homes and see families a couple of times a month or less despite in the past doing holiday care etc.

Lots can change physically in 4 years or so my sister went from an active Beaver scout leader to not being able to use her hands properly or walk far....should she still look after her second grandchild because it's not fair.....life isn't fair you do the best you can when you can be grateful for anything nice or good but stand on your own 2 feet as an adult the people you moan about may be going through hell and not worrying you.

@Jay210

If you'd had your child first, you'd have had 3 years free childcare on a Monday. Your brother, then in your position, would be getting the same response you are now.

It's crap, but his child was the learning curve where she realised "I wish I hadn't committed to this and I won't be doing it again."

It's hard not to feel rejection both for yourself and your DD, but it's not personal, remind yourself if roles were reversed, your brother would be feeling the same. He got "lucky" by having his child first, not because he's got the favourite child.

DTwins get mainly second hand clothes. Their elder brother got virtually all new. I don't love DTwins less, I just realised what I should have done with DS and applied it to them.

^ This is exactly what I was going to say.

I am sure i would have felt the same as you in your position if my parents had helped a sibling but not me, but childcare of grandchildren is a hot topic amongst my contemporaries and it is difficult for grandparents too. The joy of retirement is not having commitments and enjoying your freedom after all those years of juggling work and your own children. I expect the reality of that weekly commitment is quite different to the thought of doing it. I know grandparents who helped with childcare of pre schoolers then helped out with the school run, and holiday care, so their own holidays needed to be taken during school holidays when more expensive and surrounded by children, and lots of time commitment the rest of year. Not really what retirement is about no matter how much you love children.

Before my husband retired, I used to do childcare on my own. I agree it is easier with my husband but I would think most grandparents of young children have an OH. One of my grandchildren’s other grandmother is on her own and she manages fine. Yes she gets tired like us.

Why imagine most grandparents are still married or not widowed. If you divorced you don't suddenly remarry on granny hood. As you say it's easier in a couple but the op only talks about granny doing the care. She doesn't tell us granny's current physical conditions..which are unique to all of us, so it's not a case of because I can do it you must be able to. We don't know how the rest of granny's week is or how physically exhausted she is by the end of it. We can assume she's sat on her backside every day with just a bit of housework to worry about.

I would also add, it isn't always easy when GP’s do, do the childcare. My DM & DF looked after my eldest ( not the second). I paid them as my DM took the opportunity to leave her job.
It was fine, but it did make the grandparent relationship strange. They did the paid care ( part time) and because they had seen my DC and given their time, of course, there was nothing else. No babysitting, no Sunday afternoon picnics or trips to the park.

It's hard to explain but it felt like the only relationship for us all, was the paid one. It became a job. Kind of took the freedoms and fun away for everyone.
Made me quite sad.

That is your child.
That you choose to have.
This what parenting is.

Figure it out.

You are not entitled to childcare from any of your family.

They are entitled to not want to watch your child for any reason.

They are entitled to say no.

Respect them and find other options.

Stop thrusting and trying to put your child on other people.

Be considerate.

Even if people agree to watching your doesn't mean they want to do it at all or sometimes.

They have lives, and you should respect the fact that no one wants to be watching your child most or often times.

You and your husband need to mature.

This is what you signed on for by having a child. Responsibility and the exhaustion.

Hire babysitters and childcare, don't make this often.

Don't make these often and frequent escapes from your child.

It's not their fault that they're here and have you for parents.

This is your child, no one else's.

Raise your child.
Spend time with your child.

Get out of this mindset of only considering your feelings.

My mum has my sisters eldest on a Monday, then my brothers eldest, then my sisters middle child, then my brothers and my sisters youngest (one each, with these 2 she had them both at same time). Mine were older and my wife was a SAHM, so she didn’t need to have them like that for us (we saved that for nights out/away instead 😁). But as she got older and more ill (cancer) she had to stop having the young ones on the Monday. Well, my dad put his foot down 🤣. Maybe your mum is feeling older/more tired and just doesn’t feel like she could manage to have a young child on a weekly basis?