Grandparent refusing to help with grandchild

[Jay210]

Hi all, I absolutely know that having a child is my responsibility but I just need to vent.

For background information my mum cared for her first grandchild (my brothers daughter) on a Monday each week from age 1 till age 3 as both parents worked full time.

I have since have a baby (my mums second grandchild) and she has made it clear she will not help with any form of childcare. She is retired and hasn’t given any explanation as to why but in the past she has made comments ie.that she couldn’t make plans on a Monday etc so I am unsure if it is the responsibility of childcare she doesn’t want again.

I know my child is my responsibility but AIBU to feel upset by this? I would never have thought twice if she hadn’t helped my brother but to have one grandchild and not the other I just find odd.

I feel a level of rejection due to it all which I understand is my own personal issues but it has made me feel like my daughter is not wanted/important to her.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

I think some DGPs offer to look after the first DGC for one or two days a week so that both parents can go back to work and only a few months down the line does the reality sink in that for the next few years they've made a rod for their own backs. In her late 50s a friend of mine was so eager to look after her first DGC that she went part-time (three days) at work in order to look after the DGC for the other two. A few months in, when she wasn't able to go to her best friend's funeral because it happened to coincide with DGC-care-day, she began to regret jumping in. She was earning less money in the vital years coming up to retirement, she was getting fewer days paid holiday and there were two days a week when, even if she wasn't feeling great, she HAD to turn up at 7.30am at her daughter's house. It turned from a lovely thing to do to an increasingly onerous commitment: her DD and DSIL soon stopped thanking her for her assistance and took it for granted. They took it as read that she would be able to cope with a second child but she was by this time in her 60s and tired, having worked for years, and she said no. I can understand why, even if her DD couldn't.

My brother is financially a lot better off than we are so it does make me think (from comments) that she liked the idea of being ‘Nan’ but not the reality - I just wish she’d be honest about it as she previously accused me of being confrontational when I asked why.

Can you tell where in the family rulebook it says that to be a good Nan you have to look after your DGC one day a week? I'm 61 and neither set of grandparents offered my parents childcare. You're sounding seriously entitled there, OP.

OP why don't you just gently ask your DM/DF? I'm with those that have said it's nothing to do with you, more with their experience of committing to care for a young child every Monday for 2 years which they did for your DBro.

I think you are being unreasonable. Your mum gave up three years worth of Monday's to look after one grandchild and realised how restrictive it was and probably physically and mentally demanding as well and she's not prepared to do it again. She doesn't owe you any childcare, or an explanation. It also doesn't mean she loves you or your child any less, it's just a massive commitment/responsibility that she doesn't want (or is not prepared) to take on. That's her prerogative.

I have three grandsons. The oldest is 12 and to say I practically brought him up is an understatement. We have a bond that nobody can break.
I never got to look after him on my own terms though.. it was always expected of me for reasons I will not go into.
My second grandson comes to me when his mum works. he is 4 and a handful.
I get very tired. My house gets wrecked. He teases the dogs and I tell him off a lot. I do things with him all of the time but the minute I go off to make a cup of tea he is up to mischief.
My youngest grandson is adorable - just a baby but I have already told his mum I can't look after him. It's all becoming too much and I want a little space.
I love my grandchildren but they are not my children and I can say 'No' and should not be judged for it.
Grandchildren should not be a chore.. they are there to be loved and handed back at the earliest opportunity🤗

Your mother is done with caring for children and I don't blame her. Both of my adult children are already aware that I will not be providing regular childcare when and if they ever have children. I've raised my kids, I'm not being a regular caregiver again.

Why are you letting your kids take the piss like this?

It’s 100% ok for her not to do it. It’s 100% of for you to feel hurt and rejected.

Focus on the bond between them and invest in that if you want to. If you don’t, that’s ok too.

I think it's fine if she doesn't want to commit to regular childcare tbh.

What is her relationship like with your brother?

Was it a chance for her to see her GC regularly that she otherwise wouldn't have had?

Would she help in a emergency/at all?

Why does not wanting to do regular childcare mean that your daughter isn't important to her?
That's an awful way of looking at the relationship!

As an aside, I’m fascinated on Mumsnet to discover how common it is for people to retire in their 50s. All these economically inactive people only a decade or so older than me. Really tells us something when people in work can’t pay the bills and people are able to retire in their 50s. We really have screwed the younger generation.

My mother moved 9500 miles away when I was pregnant, returning when DD was 2 and doing limited childcare. My husband worked away apart from 36 hours a week. It was what it was.

She was there when my sister’s baby was born and they live with her now, doing several hours of childcare a day and cooking all of my sister’s meals. (My sister doesn’t work.)

you basically can’t force them to be involved.

My second grandson comes to me when his mum works. he is 4 and a handful.
I get very tired. My house gets wrecked. He teases the dogs

Say no then!

Wrecking the house & teasing dogs?

No way!

I think that it's better that she says no from day 1 rather than saying yes then changing her mind later.
I would assume she tried it but didn't enjoy it so wouldn't do it again rather than her showing favouritism although I appreciate you know her better so maybe that's your usual family dynamic ?

Yes you are being unreasonable. She has clearly thought, 'did it once. Never again.'
I would think the same . Both you and your brother might have more children . She has clearly had enough and learned from experience and drawn a line.

@Yesthatismychildsigh

It's not so much letting them take the piss. I can always say 'No'.
My daughter is a single parent and needs my help. We spend a lot of time together and it is hard to say 'No' when I know she is working.

My husband left us when my children were teenagers. He took off and went to live abroad. He stopped all financial support when he left and indeed took all our savings with him.
It was tough for a while but we got there in the end. I suppose I do not want them to feel like I am the same as him, so I am here at all times.
I can however, and have said 'No'. It's my choice at the end of the day and should not be judged as I said before. Nothing in life is straightforward is it

I think she learned her lesson (the hard way) first time around and now she's putting a firm boundary in place to make sure it's doesn't happen again.

The restrictions that she felt (whatever they were) with the first grandchild showed her that she didn't want to do it again.

Better that she's honest about it rather than does it feeling resentful.

@LongerThanADryJanuary23 · Today 13:57

I think she learned her lesson (the hard way) first time around and now she's putting a firm boundary in place to make sure it's doesn't happen again.

The restrictions that she felt (whatever they were) with the first grandchild showed her that she didn't want to do it again.
Better that she's honest about it rather than does it feeling resentful.

Agree

She learned from her mistake.

Try not to take it personally

She doesn't need to give you an explanation, it's enough that she's said no.
She doesn't owe you childcare and doesn't owe you a reason why she doesn't want to do it.

If she had a less-than-great experience with your brother's child she possibly doesn't want to say this outright for fear of upsetting your brother...

I think it’s very important to treat your dc and gc equally.

How long ago was this op?

Yes, and maybe not really about you and yours, or about your brother, OP.

My DM looked after my eldest. We had a second child. She didn't want to continue with childcare at this point. We had to respect that and make other arrangements for our second child ( eldest at school).

Shes wants to be able to enjoy retirement with your dad. Go away when they want to not being tied to regular childcare. She's already done it and regretted it. Then what happens if your brother has another child or you do it's never ending then help with school runs and in the holidays.

I understand that this can feel like a rejection. It's not about babysitting or childcare. It a choice and bias and that can be hard to reconcile.

My children are the youngest in my family and my own parents were exhausted and elderly so could not help.

My ILs look after SILs DC for childcare and babysitting and overnight at the weekend. Their dd takes the piss imo, there is nothing left. They would never look after our (older) DC. DH does most of the running around for them. They do not have time or energy for our DC.

We have an ok relationship and I make an effort because it is important for my DC to interact with grandparents. I won't be close because they have favourite DC and DGC. They have lost out, big time.

Grow up.

I disagree with other people on here. I think you should press your mother as to what is different between you having a child and your brother having a child. My mother always treated us differently and this has only led to resentment. Guess is is doing the major share of running around for her now?
I have always told my kids that if they think I am treating them differently to let me know.
My husband and do childcare twice a week and when the children are ill. Nobody is taking the piss. We enjoy it but we do find it exhausting sometimes.
One of the things that might put you mother off is not being able to go away when she wants to. We can usually just swap with the other grandparents who also do childcare. I certainly wouldn’t miss an important occasion. My kids or their OHs would have to take leave.
I do not understand the attitude on Mumsnet that grandparents have already done their bit. When you have children surely you want them to be happy and get on. Most of my friends look after their grandkids and like us love it.