Grandparent refusing to help with grandchild

[Jay210]

Hi all, I absolutely know that having a child is my responsibility but I just need to vent.

For background information my mum cared for her first grandchild (my brothers daughter) on a Monday each week from age 1 till age 3 as both parents worked full time.

I have since have a baby (my mums second grandchild) and she has made it clear she will not help with any form of childcare. She is retired and hasn’t given any explanation as to why but in the past she has made comments ie.that she couldn’t make plans on a Monday etc so I am unsure if it is the responsibility of childcare she doesn’t want again.

I know my child is my responsibility but AIBU to feel upset by this? I would never have thought twice if she hadn’t helped my brother but to have one grandchild and not the other I just find odd.

I feel a level of rejection due to it all which I understand is my own personal issues but it has made me feel like my daughter is not wanted/important to her.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Sorry for typos

This.

@Jay210
You are being unreasonable to feel upset by this.
It doesn't mean she's rejecting you.
It doesn't mean your daughter is not wanted/important to her.
It means she wants to live her life.

The fact that you "will struggle tremendously with childcare fees" is not your mum's fault and not her problem to fix. It's hardly news that childcare is expensive and you should have thought about this before deciding to have a child.

Hilarious that you would have paid your mum to care for your daughter, but as you say - "probably a little less than for a days nursery.

Basically you're pissed off that you're not going to get cheap childcare.
You're directing your frustration in the wrong direction.
Get a grip and work out how you can either budget or increase the household income.

Same here Op. my mum said how much she wanted grandchildren and planned forever to look after them weekly. Since they were born refused to ever have them at all. Seems the idea is better than the reality. Seems especially unfair when her own mother looked after me all of the time. Sometimes they just don’t want to actually do anything to help and it sucks.

She's done her but already. She deserves to relax now.

@Jay210 dh and I did childcare for first dgc but we are too far away for 2nd dgc. We have agreed to pay towards nursery picking up the tab for 3 days a month. Would your dp’s consider helping you financially?

We had the same issue. Looked after my sisters child so she could go to uni. When I got my first 'proper' job she didn't say congratulations, she said I will not be babysitting. Thanks then 😊 my kids have a crap relationship with her compared to my sisters daughter but that's her problem.

Yes these grandparents that seem to think they will have just the same relationship with their grandchildren if they don’t look after them are living in fantasyland

Honestly asking for an explanation is a bit much, she said no. Literally no-one owes you childcare.

I get it, it’s tough and expensive, we have no-one other than us to look after DD and goodness knows I’d love a bit of babysitting. The thing is though no-one else gets a vote as to whether you have a child or not, I’m assuming you didn’t say “listen mum we are going to make a decision that requires you to give up one day a week for as long as I deem necessary so we are giving you a vote”.

There is nothing wrong with asking and theres nothing wrong with her declining. Her age, what she did when she’s younger is irrelevant. It’s her time not yours.

Part of growing up is seeing your parents as whole human beings separate from you. As kids you don’t always care if your parents are tired or at the end of their tether etc etc you are focused on having your needs met. Maturing means you are able to see them as people with their own internal lives, desires and drives which are entirely separate from their role as your parent. She probably didn’t enjoy it the first time round and dreads having to do it again.

I think it’s a shame we expect so much from women. Often from an early age you are taught to care for other people, at what point are women allowed to stop? Very few people on here complain that their dad/FIL isn’t babysitting for them.

I totally understand that you feel rejected. I don't think parents should offer emotional resources to one child that they may not be able to offer another.
However have things changed since then? How long ago was your brother's child young?
Five years ago my parents looked after my eldest one day a week. They did that up until the pandemic. During the pandemic I had a second child, and the eldest is now at school. They now do one day a fortnight and frankly struggle a bit with that. They are just 5 years older and find it much harder work than they did.

This is one of the things that annoyed me a lot about my mum.

When we were kids, we were always with my nans, or my great Nan when she was working.

She has free childcare on tap for years.

I have my children and nope she can’t reciprocate that cos she had a new baby of her own! He’s exactly 6 months older than my dd.

I have my children and nope she can’t reciprocate that cos she had a new baby of her own! He’s exactly 6 months older than my dd.

So because she was given free childcare by others you must be by her?

Is she truly refusing all childcare? Would she refuse to help if you had a medical emergency? would she watch the child so you could have a date night?

or is she just refusing to commit to a standing day a week?

Realizing she made a mistake with the first grandchild and should not commit again is healthy. If she is refusing to ever babysit under any circumstances, then your upset is justified.

Your mum had another baby? 6 months before you had yours?

My mother didn't provide childcare as such but she had dd every other Saturday for a couple of hours when ds was born she refused ds because she "didn't know what to do with boys" dd perceived this as a slight against her brother (nanny had form for being anti boy) and refused to go now nanny has zero real relationship with her grandchildren she could have just taken him occasionally or fir a shorter time but instead outright rejected him in favour of dd she should have known dd would object to this even as an adult she hates it when people play favourites

We have had no family help at all but when we had kids we did factor in the cost of childcare
It is expensive but I reduced my hours a bit and my partner condensed and so we only have ever had to find 2-3 days a week which is much easier to manage.

Have you looked at the government childcare scheme you can save 20%

In addition to me reducing my hours and partner condensing this government scheme saved me is alot of money and still does now.

Also when they are 3 you'll get 30'hours free funding a week so if you have a years maternity leave then go back you only have huge bills for 2 years - we had to cut back a bit but now we have only wraparound care for one and get the 30 hours for the other it's a lot cheaper than it was.

I know it's annoying about your brother but maybe your parents just want to enjoy their retirement. Would they consider helping you financially with the Costs? My friends mum said no she's not being the childcare but gives her £100 a month towards it which helps them.

Looking after small kids is harder than she remembered

That's the crux of it

I'm shocked at people suggesting the grandparents might contribute towards the childcare costs!

Yup. I have a little brother 6 months older than my own daughter

I think it’s a shame we expect so much from women. Often from an early age you are taught to care for other people, at what point are women allowed to stop? Very few people on here complain that their dad/FIL isn’t babysitting for them.

@noicant my husband and I do childcare together. It’s just he doesn’t post on Mumsnet! Most of my friends do childcare with their OHs

@Soubriquet what age is your mum?

Tell me to mind my own business, if you would rather!

She is 52 now. She had me at 18

I've misunderstood and thought her youngest was only 6 months!

I share your pain - MIL kept harping on and on about wanting grand children but has very little to do with them other than a photo of the three of them above the fireplace.

Look at it this way, at least your mum was honest rather than agreeing to childcare and resenting you/DC.

Aaaah no. I found out I was pregnant…and then a day later so did she. I had a miscarriage, and got pregnant again a few months later.

Her baby was born first, and then exactly 6 months later, mine was born.

It’s probably one of those things that turned out to be more of a burden and exhausting than she appreciated.

When I was pregnant and before I went back to work my mum insisted on watching DS full time and that I shouldn’t bother with nursery. She was really keen and kept persuading DH and me. We agreed on one day with her because I didn’t want to burden her or wear her out. She has since told my brother she’s really grateful that we didn’t give DS to her full time and it’s more hard work than she imagined, but she will never tell me that.

Sometimes the idea of it sounds good but in practice, it’s not what you expect. Thus not personal towards you at all.