Grandparent refusing to help with grandchild

[Jay210]

Hi all, I absolutely know that having a child is my responsibility but I just need to vent.

For background information my mum cared for her first grandchild (my brothers daughter) on a Monday each week from age 1 till age 3 as both parents worked full time.

I have since have a baby (my mums second grandchild) and she has made it clear she will not help with any form of childcare. She is retired and hasn’t given any explanation as to why but in the past she has made comments ie.that she couldn’t make plans on a Monday etc so I am unsure if it is the responsibility of childcare she doesn’t want again.

I know my child is my responsibility but AIBU to feel upset by this? I would never have thought twice if she hadn’t helped my brother but to have one grandchild and not the other I just find odd.

I feel a level of rejection due to it all which I understand is my own personal issues but it has made me feel like my daughter is not wanted/important to her.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Name changed for this ...

I love all my grandchildren equally.

I looked after our first grandchild one day a week for about 11 hours. That stopped when he went to nursery.

It's exhausting at my age and at times It just felt too much!

I promised to myself I'd never commit to doing it again.

The odd day here and there and a sleepover is lovely.

I'm currently on my 6th nearly 7th year of regular childcare for grandchildren. It's bloody hard work. Pickups are regularly later than agreed, a sick child? Still my responsibility, busy week at work? Grandma will help. Plus overnights at weekends and lately my back hurts I don't want to pick them up all the time it's really hard getting little ones in and put of car seats. Each time there's different rules I have to follow. I love it and I will do it for every child as I don't think it's fair to do for one and not the others. I'm currently doing 2 often 3 days with an 18 month old and a school pickup and some times drop off on a another day. On the plus side I have an amazing relationship with my grandchildren but now my dh has retired we are finding it very restrictive. I've just been told one set is trying for a third and another for their second and my dh says I have to put my foot down and say 👎

Speaking as a grandparent I find it really unfair. Your DM shouldn't have offered with the first grandchild if she wasn't prepared to do it for subsequent children.

My mum did this for her first grandchild, didnt do it for the other 2, she just found it too much, she will do the odd day here and there to help out or just spend time with them,

My MIL was the same she had my niece every morning then my niece went to her other grandmother every afternoon, she told us if we had kids she wouldn’t do the same as it was too hard and too tiring I totally understand and don’t blame her I’m happy she told us before we had our children. Maybe your Mum feels the same but hasn’t expressed her feelings.

Now that is just bloody ridiculous!

My MIL looked after mine 2 days a week, but the deal was we had to have a backup plan in place for her holidays etc

Came in handy when she was called for jury duty and it ended up being 7 weeks!

I made it very clear that although I retired very early I wasn’t retiring to look after DGC. As soon as I said I was retiring early I was asked to do childcare and I didn’t want to be tied to certain days, I want to spend my retirement travelling, meeting friends, doing hobbies etc without any pressure from anyone. If that sounds selfish that’s fine by me, however, I’ve brought my children up and worked full time, now is my time and I’m young enough to enjoy what I please and when I please. I think it’s very entitled to expect grandparents to do childcare tbh.

you are BU. She isn't obliged to provide you with child care because you are willing to pay her. Nor is she obliged because she did it for your brother three years ago. It seems she has been honest and clear, you just don't want to accept it and want to guilt her in doing what you want.

She owes you nothing

I appreciate that (I imagine it would be the same if DH and I babysat our grandkids, DH would be more hands on to be frank) but the ire on mumsnet if mostly directed at older women when it comes to childcare.

Good on her putting her boundaries in place. She committed to one day a week with your brother and had realised that she doesn’t want to be tied down again. I actually admire her saying no and having the courage of her convictions.

Has your brother taken the piss with the childcare expectations and that's why she is saying no to you?

Or, as hurtful as it is for you, she just doesn't want to and isnt letting herself be pushed into it.

Its expensive now and while it does get cheaper, it gets harder when it comes to covering school holidays. We couldn't have family holidays till they could be left alone in school holidays as we had to split our annual leave to cover the 13 weeks.

I'd start planning for this too if I was you so it's less of a shock when you realise you have 13 weeks to cover each year and 4 weeks holiday each!

Overnights on weekends on top of regular weekday childcare? I think you do need to put your foot down, do they appreciate how much you are doing for them?

I think that the expectation of "fairness" from parents between siblings is incredibly deep rooted. I'm not surprised you feel how you do. We live too far from one daughter and so I pay for a day's nursery fees ( I also work full-time.) I do worry if we can't do that for any others that come along.

@Jay210 nope, wasn't offered to me and I've had to accept it. It's made me very resentful.

It seems that grandparents are going to be criticised whatever they do, should they to make it “fair” and not offer to help with childcare for the first grandchild in case other grandchildren are born and they can’t do the same for them. I’m pretty sure that if you were the first one to have a grandchild you would think it a crazy excuse and criticise them for it. It seems though once you’ve done it for one grandchild you are then bound in some way to keep doing it for any subsequent grandchildren for ever and ever. Parents will look at finances, time available and decide how many children they would ideally like to have, grandparents obviously have no input into the decision making but can end up being expected to provide childcare for 3 or 4 children at an age that nature has deemed too old for them to have their own children and get castigated by their children if they are not willing to do so. Would the parents themselves be happy to be expected to provide childcare one or two days a week say for a niece or nephew and be content to carry on every time a new niece or nephew was born? I don’t think so.

You can't assume your parents will have your children. I know it's sounds harsh, but maybe it's a conversation you need to have before deciding to have another child!

It's natural to feel upset, not at all unreasonable. I think you'd feel less hurt perhaps if your mother had said she cares but can't manage it, rather than just saying she won't.
It's actually natural and normal for families, not just families but whole communities (it takes a village to raise a child), to do childcare together. The idea that it's somehow "entitled" to imagine a world where people care for one another and do things together, supporting one another, is disturbing and probably to do with the individualistic trends in some areas of our society.
Of course, a grandmother looking after children alone is also a result of these trends and it's understandable she might not want to. Ideally, it would be men as well and extended families and others in the community sharing childcare together.

Is it "entitled" for elderly people to imagine their children might care for them in their old age?
Since when has imagining your loved ones reciprocate your love been "entitled"?

It might not be that she doesn't want to, but it might be that she physically can't now.

We would never expect our children to care for us in our old age and have been perfectly clear with them on that point. There is absolutely nothing wrong with grandparents wanting to enjoy their retirement and yes it is entitled to expect grandparents to care for children imo. However, we can agree to differ on that point as I certainly don’t share your point of view.

So after the OPs mum not wanting to actually do the childcare , OP should ask her to pay 🫣 for nursery fees…
This is nuts !
Not in a million years would I ask my parents for any of this.

This sounds such a shame for you and like you are being treated like an unpaid nanny ☹️

Oh please, half the people on this site cant stand their in laws, you really think they would alter their lives to care for them?!

There's continuous posts about how they hate their in laws all through aibu on a daily basis.

No one has any right to expect anything off anyone.

What's important and will play a huge part in any expectation is the relationship that's cultivated and nurtured throughout the family and being able to say no and to ne respectful and accepting when you are told no.

Looking after grandchildren or elderly parents because its expected will often lead to unhappiness and resentment and shouldn't be expected.

If I ever need to have my bum wiped for me I would rather it be a carer than one of my children.