Should I take toddler to MIL appointment?

[Kardelen]

I have a toddler just under the age of two. Also 36 weeks pregnant. My husband wants me to take MIL to her appointment as none of her other kids are free or for whatever reason won’t be taking.

the issue is however childcare. I can leave the toddler with my parents but they are elderly and I feel bad to burden them for this. The appointment will be at least one hour, and the journey minimum 1.5 hours each way as I will need to pick her up first and it falls to traffic time. She may also ask for me to take her grocery shopping after her appointment as this is not unusual. The issue is though, do I take my very active toddler with me? Which means I may not be able to attend the actual appointment with her, Or do leave him with my parents and feel guilty? I will also be feeling guilty for toddler being in the car seat for that long, but I also can’t physically chase him around outside.

I also don’t want to mention that I will be taking her to my parents as they always get anxious when I’m out alone as I’m on third trimester (first baby came early), and also wondering why her own children are unable to take.

much appreciated

My Aunty used to take her mother in law (my grandma) to her various appointments towards the end. But the thing is she was never pregnant caring for a toddler and she only worked part-time (and had a very good standard of living).

It seems like your mother in law has capacity to get herself on transport. None of this - you taking her at 36 weeks pregnant with a two year old and then “shopping after” BS.

If she doesn’t have capacity to get her butt in a taxi or a train or whatever then she should be in a care home.

You take your mother in law now - you’ll be doing it for the rest of her life.

It seems you’re avoiding an argument. I suggest you pretend like you will take her and then closer to the actual appointment day start having contractions and tell them your midwife has put you on bed rest. Your baby could come at any moment and you shouldn’t be sitting in a car for 3.5 hours in traffic - heavily pregnant with a toddler.

It’s not even your responsibility to take her!

I haven’t been asked to take my mother in law to any medical appointments once because she’s capable and if she wasn’t capable then her children would take her. She’s in her late 70’s.

If your mother in law needs to go then she can take a taxi or one of her kids can take time off work. It seems like she’s avoiding work anyway. This is utterly ridiculous.

Her parents are elderly. You don’t leave an active toddler with elderly people for 4+ hours. No freaking way!!

Hmmm I know countless grandparents in their late 70s who look after young children several days a week whilst their parents work.

I’m referring to many of the posters coming on to reply who seem unwilling to do anything for anybody.
Posters are coming on to reply in support of the OP's predicament. She doesn't feel up to it and they are not listening to her. They've assumed she can do it anyway.
That doesn't mean those posters are unwilling to do anything for anybody or lacking in generosity.
And if you mean me, in particular, I am happy to help people out if they need me. I understand exactly how the OP feels when you are close to giving birth and exhausted and people insist that their plans are possible.

I’ve no idea who you are or what you even said on this thread

Good for you. The OP said her parents are elderly and caring for a toddler stresses them out. Further, the MIL is still of working age and it sounds like she simply doesn’t wish to return to work.

There’s zero reason why she can’t get herself to her own appointment- the OP shouldn’t be ferrying her around at all. It’s not her mother!!

If your going to do it (and at 36 weeks pregnant I would really not want to with or without a toddler!) I would explain you can provide transport but with have toddler so won’t be able to come into the appointment and won’t be able to help with any other jobs such as grocery shopping whilst you are there. Be a taxi and drop at appointment, find soft play or park for toddler for the hour appointment, then drop back home. If dh can take her to and from yours to save an extra half hour of driving even better. But it is still absolutely fine to say no to any/ all of this!

Just say NO! Importantly, say it calmly but firmly - and mean it! It’s utterly ridiculous to expect someone in the late stages of pregnancy, who’s not feeling up to this, to do this unnecessary chore. MIL can get public transport and/or a taxi, just like everyone else would do. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t speak English. Other people manage fine and she’ll have an interpreter there. Perhaps she just wants a bit of company? Ok, well one of her children or in-laws who are not heavily pregnant can take her.

It does sound like your DH isn’t thinking about you and is almost pretending not to understand you can’t do it. If you don’t want to stand up to him, then simply have some kind of ‘pregnancy issue’ that means ‘the midwife has told you you shouldn’t do the drive’.

Your husband should pay for her taxi. Just say, “Sorry, that’s too much for me at the moment,” if you feel it’s too much. You are entitled to set your own boundaries

There are plenty of people incapable of doing this. I put my dd in nursery because I was too ill to look after her, under 40 btw. Not all 70 year olds have good health.

Please don’t do this op. Your mil doesn’t need your help. She wants it.

😂
Op has many valid reasons but has said she doesn't feel up to it. That's it.

It’s a bit complicated really. I think I am
also exhausted of going hospital for appointments etc. for myself I have been attending a lot of appointments as I had a bit of a complicated birth. So I’m under the care of a consultant atm. My parents have been having quite a few appointments/procedures and will be having near the future, so I have the responsibility of that too. My fathers health over the last few days haven’t been too great either so I’m extremely worried about that, and waiting for more referrals. So have been juggling work/pregnancy/appointments and worries.

So I think deep down i don’t think I can handle another responsibility of someone else’s appointments. Because I feel that I am burning out slowly.

regards to the car, it’s a 3 door car and I do look to change it near the future, but atm it’s a struggle to put toddler in and out, esp. when toddler is resisting. So having all these on my shoulders just makes the thought even harder. And they already know this, but think because I do it with my parents they think I can, or maybe it just gives them the easy way out.

People can expect all kinds of things. What is possible and practical for the other person involved is not always the same thing. You have done her a favour in taking her and bringing her home. That is sufficient.. I doubt a toddler would be allowed in to the actual waiting area/ consulting room anyway. I am a MIL to 2 fabulous young women. I wouldn't dream of asking either of them at 36 weeks pregnant, or with a toddler, to take me anywhere.

You need to have a clear conversation with your husband.

You need to tell him that you cannot take her to the appointment, even if she comes to you first. You need to tell him that your MIL, him and his siblings need to sort the appointment as you have enough on your plate right now.

It needs to be clearly shut down and made clear that it's not your responsibility to sort. If it's too hard to say face to face but it in a text message- but it shouldn't be hard to say this to your husband as surely he knows the difficulties you have with your pregnancy, previous pregnancy and toddler.

juggling work/pregnancy/appointments and worries... burning out slowly.

Op you have done your bit up to now but as you get closer to the due date its becoming too much to ask. Now you need to take care of yourself, your baby and your toddler and your family should be considerate of that. Your DH, MIL and his siblings have other options.

You shouldn't be in a car for that long whilst 36 weeks pregnant OP. That should be clear to everyone. Not good for you, not good for your toddler and not good for the unborn baby.

Going forward it's also fine to say your Husband and his family are responsible for MIL. It's natural that you feel you have some responsibility for your own family - but you can't be responsible for everyone. If your husband wants to step up and share the responsibility for taking your parents to appointments etc than that changes things.

Having a vagina does not make you the default carer for both sides of the family!

Her parents are ill with their own medical needs father is particularly unwell...and 70 has a wide range of fitness and medical needs including physical and mental what happens if one of the 70 year olds is already caring for the other with dementia and struggling to keep them safe?

I was responding to another poster that said it was impossible to leave young children with elderly people. Clearly it’s not.

What if her husband loses money by taking time off work? He's asking her to do a favour as she's at home it's hardly the crime of the century!

Tell MIL to get a taxi

If she really needs the help offer to pay if you want to. She needs to sort these things out herself

This is a ridiculous ask, you’re 36 weeks pregnant with a history of baby coming early. Of course you’re exhausted, you’re working, looking after a toddler and your parents, you don’t need to be guilted into looking after anyone else, it’s not like it’s an appt that’s 20 mins away. Perfectly reasonable to save your energy for labour and for when your baby arrives.
She has 4 kids (I think) and none of them can take her? Can’t her non-driving daughter can get a taxi/train/bus and go with her? Potentially she could do this by herself also. If might feel uncomfortable but if no one else is going to put you and baby first then you need to.

Tbh I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just take her from hers and get it over and done with. As if she stays, not sure if it will only be for one night, will have to sort out room to stay, plus will have to keep longer company, serving snacks/tea/food, listen to non stop advice about how to raise toddler, etc etc. at least I will be able to get into my pjs and chill after a few hours of driving?

I can't believe your husband expects his heavily pregnant wife - or even of you weren't pregnant- to take HIS mother to her appointment. Tell him to take time off work or to sort it out with his siblings how to get THEIR not your mother to and from her appointment. He's taking the bloody piss about of you.