Should I take toddler to MIL appointment?

[Kardelen]

I have a toddler just under the age of two. Also 36 weeks pregnant. My husband wants me to take MIL to her appointment as none of her other kids are free or for whatever reason won’t be taking.

the issue is however childcare. I can leave the toddler with my parents but they are elderly and I feel bad to burden them for this. The appointment will be at least one hour, and the journey minimum 1.5 hours each way as I will need to pick her up first and it falls to traffic time. She may also ask for me to take her grocery shopping after her appointment as this is not unusual. The issue is though, do I take my very active toddler with me? Which means I may not be able to attend the actual appointment with her, Or do leave him with my parents and feel guilty? I will also be feeling guilty for toddler being in the car seat for that long, but I also can’t physically chase him around outside.

I also don’t want to mention that I will be taking her to my parents as they always get anxious when I’m out alone as I’m on third trimester (first baby came early), and also wondering why her own children are unable to take.

much appreciated

Why does he have to 'save' a trip? If you were doing it you would be expected to take her home and even possibly do a big shop for/with her.
Just tell him to take her home after as you don't want extra bodies in the house when you could go in to labour at any time.

Why does your mil need someone with her? Am guessing she can't drive so getting a lift might be easier but does she have any additional needs that means she needs support?

Not really, she normally goes elsewhere but for appointments this has always been the case. There is a language barrier, English isn’t her first language, but an interpreter has been booked and I also don’t speak the language so wouldn’t be any help in translation anyway.

At 36 wks with a toddler you should be saying no to all of this. Your husband says no one else can do this, he should be saying you can’t do this!

Please put yourself first, instead of tying yourself in knots trying to problem solve something that’s not your problem.

I did say I can’t do it, but now he’s insisting she comes over to stay and that we go from here rather than picking up, which would save time by half hour, assuming I’ll drop her to hers after ( that’s if his manager doesn’t let him off early, otherwise he will take).

Today saw his mum was in the impression I was going to take and was wondering why I can’t either. Not sure if im missing the plot or if they’re normal.

I'm confused. So you are taking her back to hers, so are you doing the hospital trip after all or is DH saying he'll do some of the trip and you do the rest or have I missed the mark completely?

Also it seems MIL had been told already you're doing it even though you haven't agreed which would make me question what's being said behind the scenes here

Did you push your point even when your DH said MIL would stay over and you could go from yours ? I know it can be difficult, especially when you have helped before, however you need to give a strong consistent message here. No is No.

Go back to your DH and tell him , don't ask, be firm and positive and certainly don't apologize. "I've been thinking more about MIL's appointment and I really am not feeling well enough to drive, even starting from here. So you or your family will have to sort it out or MIL goes alone". and put this on repeat. Each and every time you're asked - No can do. Not feeling well enough.

If he says - you agreed, say well things change when you're 36 weeks pregnant
If he says - you take your parents. say well yes I do, and I've taken your DM in the past and may well do in the future, but not this time.

Don't bring the toddler in to the discussion. You would be within your rights to refuse even if this was your first pregnancy - you don't feel strong / well enough.
Stand firm Karedlen !

I would take my MIL to the appt and leave the toddler with your parents. It’s only for the afternoon. Sounds like your MIL is going to an occupational health assessment. These can be stressful and it would be nice for your MIL to have some support, she clearly trusts you and feels she can rely on you. I understand you wondering why your DH own siblings can’t do it but MIL is also part of your family.

MIL is indeed part of Kardelen's family and she's part of theirs. So why isn't the MIL and the rest of the family thinking probably not a good idea for a woman who is 36 weeks pregnant to drive 1.5 each way, with a toddler. One of us should stand up for this.

It's been a while since I was 36 weeks pregnant and I didn't have a toddler, but my bladder was not up to being away from a toilet for long and my carpel tunnel was bloody painful.

Stick to your guns. You can't do it. I wouldn't want to travel that far from home at 36 weeks unless it was an emergency. Definitely not with a toddler in tow. It's not your responsibility anyway, you don't need a reason to refuse. Why isn't anyone considering your needs? At 36 weeks pregnant my husband was looking after me and my MIL was encouraging me to rest and sleep while I still could.

The OP doesn’t have to take the toddler with her, she has said she can leave the child with the her parents.
If the OP doesn’t feel physically able to do the drive that is another matter, but she hasn’t said that I don’t think. Many mothers at 36 weeks would be able to drive an hour each way ( the OP says if the MIL stays with her it will reduce the travel time by half an hour each way).

@Eyerollcentral OP has already said her parents are elderly and not in good health and that having the toddler would be quite difficult for them.

Didn’t she say that she would feel guilty leaving the toddler with them? I may have missed the part where she said they were not able to mind the child.

So he's getting her over to save you half an hour and you will be expected to do it.....I think I'd start having a few pains and get some bed rest

How are you even able to
1, get/fit behind the wheel and drive at 36 weeks?
2, resist resting when you can (I mean you have a 2 year old to look after, i get it - but MIL in not your priority right now, unborn bubba and 2 Yr old is)
3, not be stressing to your DH about baby number one coming early, making baby number 2 be very high probability to arriving early too? Does you MIL even understand this???? Does DH even understand this??????

I'd be saying no means no means no. Too risky. For your own health, the health of your unborn child and the stress yours putting on a 2 year old for no real good reason. They've already going to have issues with sharing your attention with a newborn soon.

@Eyerollcentral

"Didn’t she say that she would feel guilty leaving the toddler with them? I may have missed the part where she said they were not able to mind the child."

Yes OP did say she would feel guilty but also that her parents are elderly and in poor health or have a number of health conditions.

I think she just said she had taken them to hospital appointments as well but that doesn’t mean you are chronically ill

In OP's previous posts she explained her parents are elderly and she taken them to "quite a few" medical appointments for their "health conditions". Reading between the lines, and the fact OP would feel guilty does suggest that due to their age and health conditions that looking after the toddler would be difficult for them.
Anyway it's not even OP's responsibility to sort this out it's down to MIL's children so all this is really a moot point.

So you are just making an assumption then. It’s no skin off my nose. As I said OP if your parents can mind the toddler and you feel physically up to do it I would give your mother in law a lift

Why should she just give in?

She's already said that she'd feel guilty dumping the toddler on her parents who is quite a handful at the moment on her parents as they have health conditions. It means she doesn't think they are up to it. Her sister usually has him, but can't.

Her last baby born early, she is exhausted and she doesn't feel up to the long drive, hanging about during appointment with difficult toddler that she can't easily lift. She doesn't feel up to it.

Why can't the four children of MIL listen to her and do the decent thing?

‘Give in’? I didn’t know it was a battle royale. I said I would do it if I was the OP, so long as she feels physically able. Then again I would treat my MIL as a member of my family and help her out if I could. Yes it is preferable that her own children do it, but they aren’t and the woman needs a lift. If the OP can’t do it she can’t do it.
There is such a lack of generosity on some of these threads I really wonder if people actually behave like they say they would in real life, because it’s so alien to my experience of life.

OP has said several times she can't do it because she doesn't feel physically able and none of them are listening to her.
It's not lack of generosity since she has given many lifts in the past and will do in the present.
A pregnant woman with a history of going into labour early and a toddler in tow is telling her nearest and dearest that she doesn't feel up to it - they have dismissed this and assumed she will do it anyway. That is lack of generosity.

MIL has other options including resuming talking to the son that used to give her lifts until she fell out with him.

Please let me clarify, I’m not referring to the OP having a lack of generosity at all, she clearly cares or she would give this a second thought. I’m referring to many of the posters coming on to reply who seem unwilling to do anything for anybody.

*wouldn’t