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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Should I take toddler to MIL appointment?

163 replies

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 15:52

I have a toddler just under the age of two. Also 36 weeks pregnant. My husband wants me to take MIL to her appointment as none of her other kids are free or for whatever reason won’t be taking.

the issue is however childcare. I can leave the toddler with my parents but they are elderly and I feel bad to burden them for this. The appointment will be at least one hour, and the journey minimum 1.5 hours each way as I will need to pick her up first and it falls to traffic time. She may also ask for me to take her grocery shopping after her appointment as this is not unusual. The issue is though, do I take my very active toddler with me? Which means I may not be able to attend the actual appointment with her, Or do leave him with my parents and feel guilty? I will also be feeling guilty for toddler being in the car seat for that long, but I also can’t physically chase him around outside.

I also don’t want to mention that I will be taking her to my parents as they always get anxious when I’m out alone as I’m on third trimester (first baby came early), and also wondering why her own children are unable to take.

much appreciated

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gazelda · 13/01/2023 16:32

When is the appointment? How long has she known about it?

Assuming she doesn't drive, does she use public transport without problems?

This isn't your problem to solve. If your DH thinks bad of you, tell him that you feel bad of him for even thinking it reasonable for a heavily pregnant wife and toddler to spend 3hr+ in a car.

ChildminderMum · 13/01/2023 16:36

Ridiculous to be driving for 3 hours with a toddler at 8 months pregnant!

Let your DH and his siblings sort it out.

ChildminderMum · 13/01/2023 16:37

"Sorry love, I can't take your mother to that appointment. It's too much driving for me now at 8 months pregnant and I don't want to take the toddler. Hope you and your siblings can arrange something else"

mondler · 13/01/2023 16:39

You have a good reason not to do it (not that you need one anyway). Is your MIL physically able? Could you offer to drive her to the train station instead? Or to the nearest direct train (assuming they arent in strike that day?)

If you have to or want to do it then I'd agree with finding a park or softplay for your toddler but its a long drive for you heavily pregnant and having to cope with your toddler and MIL.

Original poster

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 13/01/2023 16:49

If you absolutely feel you have to say yes, then you need to say you will be bringing your toddler as Dsis is working that day and it's too long to leave her with your elderly DPs.
You will drop MIL off at appointment and meet her at the end and drive her straight home, you won't be able to stop for shopping etc. because of being so heavily pregnant and tired.
Text this as a response or just say no.

Original poster

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:49

That’s what I would love to say!
just can’t speak it out and stuck in this situation now.

i did mention how its traffic time etc and it’s long for me as it’s far but I don’t think he actually gets it. I said I’m not sure if I will be able to as I can’t predict how I feel everyday, some days I feel so exhausted.
so didn’t say yes, but he probably assumes I will.

maybe I’ll try talking to him again, hinting he should try take time off his work. But
im sure he’s going to say he can’t.

OP posts:

ShellsPebbles · 13/01/2023 16:50

Honestly in your situation there is no way I would entertain doing this at all! You say your baby came early before, that’s a lot of travelling that late in your pregnancy and you have a toddler who has to endure all of that too.
I would push for a member of her own blood family to do it - are they really in worse positions than you are currently? I think they have a cheek even asking you.

rookiemere · 13/01/2023 16:51

What age is MIL? why can't she get public transportation?

Original poster

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:53

Of course not. One of her sons chooses the days he works, so if he has picked a shift he could easily cancel.
But despite him helping with her other things previously, she never appreciated, thought she’s entitled to it, so recently he got angry when she asked him about filling one of the forms saying it can’t always be him doing the work.

so now she doesn’t want to ask him

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 13/01/2023 16:54

The best present you can give yourself is to not worry too much about what your husband thinks of you and just worry about yourself and your kids.

If your MIL is having rows with her own kids then that's up to her to resolve, not for you to make yourself even more exhausted running round after her.

Try saying 'no can do'.

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/01/2023 17:02

You need to prioritise your child who is still very young and if your MIL expects you to actually be at the appountment with her, she needs to understand your situation and get a grip.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2023 17:05

Your husband's being a bit of a prick trying to offload this onto you.

You simply cannot do as he asked. You are heavily pregnant and your toddler really shouldn't have to spend 3 hours in the car (maybe longer) just because his mum has behaved so entitledly that her other son now refuses to run after her. And her appointment sounds as if she's pissed her employer about too.

You are not fit to make this journey and if her actual children can't / won't then she needs to be looking into public transport getting her there.

Coyoacan · 13/01/2023 17:10

Unless your MIL is sick at this very moment or likely to be given bad news, she doesn't need to be accompanied by anyone

Original poster

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 17:13

They probably assume that I’ll just leave him with my parents or someone else, but like I said will feel guilty to do so… which is normal to feel? Because they will have to get out of their way to look after toddler

OP posts:

Muchtoomuchtodo · 13/01/2023 17:21

I’d assumed it was an elderly MIL.
As it’s not, and in your current circumstances I’d say no. She can either get public transport or her own dc can take he.
stop hinting at your DH and tell him
clearly that you won’t be taking his DM to or from this appointment.

Beautiful3 · 13/01/2023 17:21

Honestly, I wouldn't be doing that in your position. Think I'd say I.dont feel great, and no-one can baby sit. I'm sorry but I can't do it.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/01/2023 17:23

Fucking wife work! Cheeky twat. We have a similar situation at my work, dil wanting time off because son “can’t deal with his dad (in this case)”. What is it with lazy arsed men today?

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2023 17:24

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

Stop hinting, wondering and imagining and have an actual conversation with your H
If you can’t t.hen you have a problem

AlisonDonut · 13/01/2023 17:25

Just don't feel guilty then.

I don't understand.

'Can you take MIL to the hospital hours away'

'Not really love, I'm quite heavily pregnant and have a toddler with me.'

Job done.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 13/01/2023 17:25

How often does he ferry your parents around, OP?

I’ll wait.

(This is utter batshittery.)

GrumpyPanda · 13/01/2023 17:28

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

Does he ever take your parents? No? There you go. If there's no reciprocity, just what exactly is your obligation to be his/his family's doormat?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 17:30

her 4 children should be clubbing together to pay for a taxi for her. it's really inappropriate for them to be passing the buck to you at a time like this.

Goldbar · 13/01/2023 17:34

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 17:30

her 4 children should be clubbing together to pay for a taxi for her. it's really inappropriate for them to be passing the buck to you at a time like this.

This. Why can't they pay for a taxi for her?

I'd tell your husband that you'll take MIL to her appointment but he needs to book a babysitter for the toddler as you're not taking them too.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/01/2023 17:34

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:14

Unfortunately he’s not got a good relationship with his manager, so I think that’s why he doesn’t want to ask. So it just all falls on me. I wasn’t sure if I was stressing out for no reason, but seems like it is a genuine reason now.

driving around 3 hours with a toddler and heavily pregnant is an excuse right?

No it doesn't fall on you. If neither he nor any of his siblings can find the time for this why don't they book a car and driver for the afternoon?

Its not your problem either, if you take her but she has to attend alone - again, many other adults in the scenario with actual responsibilities.

Why are you worried about saying this to your husband? Does he get arsey if you don't fall in with his commands?

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