How much help do you get from relatives with your children?

[Eirlys1986]

Hi all, posting more out of interest and to see whether or not me and my partner are feeling unnecessarily hard done by when actually we should be happy with our lot!

We have a 15 month old DS and without going into all the details basically we have only my partner’s parents to rely on to have him should we want to go out together etc.

My “poll” questions are:

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

Thanks all! Really interested to hear what situations you all have. Knowing age of your children would help too. Xxx

Non atall I'm a stay at home mother to 4 children! I've birthed 2 children on my own so Dp could have our other children at home.
My DS is due to start nursery 2 days a week in September only then we will get time together a few hours a week!

Try imagining you have 3 babies and no help its a choice you make so get on with it and enjoy 🙂

Zero.

I don't have that much family. My parents couldn't be arsed even if they lived closer than a 13h plane ride.

My younger brother can't even take care of himself, let alone children.

My older brother has a drinking problem. Been doing well lately but I'd need to see more stability before trusting him for more than a couple of hours in the daytime. He also lived a plane ride away anyhow, and even if he didn't has his own kids to worry about. He'd probably volunteer if I was in a bind but it's much simpler to get paid help in an emergency.

My SIL I trust entirely but again - plane ride - plus she has two young kids of her own.

So yeah, sometimes I read on here about people whose parents watch their kids half the week and I'll confess I'm a bit jealous.

I have one two year old (and another on the way).

1. 5 people who would be trustworthy - the four grandparents (though FiL is a bit borderline, he can watch her and she’ll be safe but it takes him a while to notice nappies and he’s no good at sticking to her schedule) and my sister.
2. DH’s parents (who live much closer) do pickup from nursery twice a week so have her for a total of around 3-4 hours a week. This is to help us as work, no help on a typical week for anything social/going out. Since she was born we have been for two meals out and one wedding without her, obviously we’ve done other things socially but only while DH or I stayed at home with DD.
3. We have left DD with my parents overnight once.
4. Family usually come to ours to look after DD, it’s easier with all her stuff here.

We could probably arrange more help but it would be on an ad hoc, one off type basis, neither side have shown any interest in doing more on a regular/reliable basis. My parents and sister are 1.5 hours away and DH’s parents still work at least part time so it’s not surprising really. To be honest though, help is absolutely lovely but we don’t expect it so we are very grateful for what we get.

None. We've never had a family member look after our daughter. Nobody lives close by and nobody has ever offered anyway.

She also doesn't sleep very well so a babysitter from an app isn't very useful for us.

When my DD was born we had no support as both our families lived several hours away in opposite directions. Was just the 3 of us for 15 months.

When DD was 15 months we moved to where my in-laws lived - they are 15 min drive away now. My MIL retired and offered to have DD 1 day a week.

DD is now 4 and I now had DS who is nearly 2. Both kids attend nursery 3 days a week and my MIL has them both 1 day a week on separate days as the 2 together is a bit much for her, and she often helps with the nursery pick up. Neither of my kids have ever spent a night at my in-laws as there is no room for them and we have never needed to.

I feel that because my MIL does a lot already around helping so me and my husband can work I don’t like to ask her to have the kids so that me and my husband can go out. We tend to have our “date time” during annual leave in the day whilst kids are at nursery so have just moved to going out for lunch rather than dinner.

Having spent the first 15 months completely on our own I am very grateful for the help MIL gives. (FIL is my husbands step dad and has very little interest in the kids, so MIL tends to have them at my house)

None. If there was a life or death situation I could ask my sister ( giving birth, dh rushed to hospital with major trama in ambulance). Anyone else - nothing. Even if someone died I wouldn't expect help tbh. In laws are fit and healthy but they just aren't part of our lives by their choice. Mil lives abroad, fil is over 200 miles away. They talk and maybe see them once z year if they won't too.

I have DD4 and DS2

1. 2 sets of grandparents that we'd trust to have them, but that's it in terms of adult help.
2. they are both in nursery 2 days a week, with me 1 day and with each set of grandparents 1 day per week (4 weeks out of 6) and the with Husband the other days due to his rota.
3. Yes we do occasionally leave them with both sets of grandparents overnight, but only done 1 night in a row so far and only lunchtime to lunchtime.
4. Mostly go to grandparents house for overnight/full days. If its just evening babysitting or a couple of hours they'll have them at our house.

Trustworthy people with my kids wld be a couple of friends (I'd never have to ask though as always get family help) my sister, sil and grandparents.

When I only had 1 child, I got help from both sets of grandparents 1 day a week from each while we were working. They didn't really have her at wkends or any other time though. Sometimes overnight but not often maybe twice a year. My sister also helped out if my parents couldn't, she was actually a massive help and has had my eldest a few times overnight.

When my youngest came along only my parents helped as other grandparents couldn't as 1 was terminally ill and the other caring for them. They also started taking my eldest overnight prob once a week as I had a very difficult baby!

If I lived closer now I wld get a lot more help. We are 25 min drive away. We don't get any help when we are working as youngest in nursery and I just pay for the extra time we need. I cld get free after school care from them if I lived closer but sadly don't. They help in school holidays no bother. I don't like to ask mil, she does occasionally offer though which I take her up on but it's just when eldest is off school and I'm working. She's never looked after the 2 of them at same time. Youngest is 3. We mainly just visit her or she comes here to see the kids.

My mum and dad take my 2 overnight 1-2 times a month sometimes can be more. This is just for us to get a break and maybe a nice meal out of do some decorating or stuff about the house etc.

They mainly go to grandparents house. Very occasionally they will watch them in my house if logistics mean it makes more sense.

I know of some folk that only rely on grandparents and full work time! That's a big ask. Others that have no help ever because they have no family in this country.

myself and DH have only my mum who willing or able to watch our little girl. She is 3 in April and has never spent the night at anyone else’s house without us. We recently went out just the two of us for hubbys birthday in December where my mum watched daughter for approx 5 hours and that was the most time off we’ve ever had. I’m a SAHM and partner runs our restaurant business.

Plenty of family nearby but zero help. Just the way it is. I could write an in depth essay as to why it is, but seems many people on this thread have problems, we are just one of many.

I'm also surprised how many people do it alone as everyone around me seems to have a lot of help IRL.

1- we allow my sister and auntie to babysit. Sometimes my mum but I prefer her to have someone like my sister there too.

2- we don’t have any set amount of days for babysitting. It’s literally for when I’ve been in labour/our wedding night and the odd hospital appointment. I think we have had a date night maybe once a year, if as often as that.

3- we don’t really have them away overnight.

4- we don’t leave them often but when we do we generally have them babysat here.

I’ll add, we both work. But work opposite days/shifts to make sure we do the childcare between us.

We have grandparents on both sides who are trustworthy to look after little one but it happens very rarely because they all live hours away. (DD 15 mths)

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc - zero on a typical week. Our child goes to nursery 4 days a week and I'm off work the other day.3

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents? - this has never happened

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? - depends as they all live so far away so ties in with visits.

My “poll” questions are:

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one? - One.

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc - Zero.

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents? - Nope.

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? N/A

Literally manage on my own with zero relative help.

We’ve been out around 4 times on our own for afternoon/evenings since our 15 month old was born

We've been out 3 times in 10 years.

A bit late to the party here, but:

1. My parents (mainly my mum), my sister, and my brother and SIL, and my husbands brother and SIL
2. My mum and sister used to share 3 days a week so I could work, now I have 30 hrs funded, they take turns every other Friday to have my twins. My M&FIL were due to have them once a week for me so I could work, that lasted 2 weeks...
3. Yes, my parents will have them occasionally overnight
4. My M&FIL will come to ours for a few hours if the twins are already in bed. If my parents are watching them, I take them there, they will put them to bed and most of the time I will sleep over there to lessen the burden in the morning

My “poll” questions are:

1. 2 out of 8 grandparents but they're frequently holidaying
2. None
3. No :(
4. We feel uncomfortable about leaving them at the GP house due to distance, anger issues and potentially aggressive dogs. We had 4 sets of grandparents and the only ones I fully trust are 400 miles away!

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
   0, I have no parents & il's choose to see the kids rarely and certainly wouldn't have them alone

2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
   0

3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
   N/a

4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? N/a

My kids are 14 &10, I'm a sahm and dh works full time. All child care falls on me, I love spending time with my kids but I could do with a break every once in a while. We haven't had any alone time for over 10 years. (Dh isn't the bio father of 14 year old, so we used to get the odd night when he would
Go to his dad but since the 10year old came along we don't have any alone time).

Bugger all. We live with my mum and she won’t help ever, unless it’s literally a life and death emergency (we’ve had two). My dad is terminally ill and we’re NC with DH’s parents.

We have DCs godparents but they are on the other side of the country and also have only come to stay to look after DCs in emergencies, which we were very grateful for.

Its bloody hard doing it alone. There’s a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child. Solidarity 💐

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?

I would trust my best friend, sister and three out of four of our parents to look after DS but best friend lives 3 hours away, sister on a different continent and all our parents work apart from DH's dad.

2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc

None, DH's side have looked after DS probably 3 times since he was born (he's 4) and only for a few hours. My parents have looked after him once when childcare fell through while I had an online meeting I really couldn't get out of, for about 2 hours.

3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?

No. Not a criticism of people who do but I really don't like the idea of DS being away from us yet (would be more up for it once he's able to decide he wants to go.) And tbh DH and I are both massive homebodies so we don't ever go out at night really, one of us might go out with a friend now and then but one of us is always in.

4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

We'd drive him over to theirs.

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
   One. Our childminder. But we obviously pay for her to look after our children. Both sets of grandparents live about 2 hours away so not really a regular option.

2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc.
   None. I look after the DC is DH is going out; he looks after them if I am going out. We rarely go out together. Maybe two or three times a year!

3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
   My older two, yes. We arrange this during school holidays sometimes. But not my youngest (4) as we've felt she was too young, too anxious and not a good enough sleeper to inflict on them! We may do all three DC with GPs for the first time this summer.

4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?
   They sometimes have them for a day during the hols if DH and I are both working. With my parents we generally go to them and work from their house; with PILs it's a mix of both.

Actually on reflection to my answer to the first question, I do have friends who are trustworthy to look after my DC, but my youngest is quite anxious and would hate anyone else putting her to bed. Which is why I would only trust my childminder to do that as she's like a second Mum to her. There have been occasions where I put her to bed and then a friend would come round to babysit while DH and I go out for dinner. But it's rare and has been a while!

My dad is the only one around to help, although we dont need any help really. Our DS has never needed/wanted to stay out anywhere.

When we have gone out somewhere without our DS my dad has been more than happy to stay at ours later to look after him. My father would have him every weekend without question, he adores him, he sees us near on every weekend but he doesn't babysit him.

2 girls age 5&1
Only main support is my mum, who lives locally, dotes on them both and is a great help.She cares for 1yo at ours one morning a week whilst I work (the others she is with a childminder).My mum also has 5yo on an ad hoc basis at hers at hers for half a day every month or so, or sometimes takes her out.She had her overnight for the first time afew weeks back.Wouldn't send DD2 there til a similar age.She babysits them both if needed again on an occasional ad hoc basis.My dad has passed away and I have no siblings.
Alot of DH's family we don't speak to because they are toxic people, and the ones we do live nearly an hours drive away.
I have quite afew good friends, who if they could would always be happy to help have the girls occasionally for abit if they could and we were in a predicament.
Our next door neighbours 18yo daughter is our regular paid babysitter.

My mum is in her 70s so don't like to ask too much of her due to that and because she has clubs to attend, friends to meet etc, and also we are generally quite hands on parents so probably wouldn't ask for her to have them much more anyway.

1. 0 - don't trust anyone to look after DC
2. 0 - me and DH cover it between us
3. No, never leave DC with grandparents
4. N/A as never leave them. DD is 4 and a half and DS is 14 months