How much help do you get from relatives with your children?

[Eirlys1986]

Hi all, posting more out of interest and to see whether or not me and my partner are feeling unnecessarily hard done by when actually we should be happy with our lot!

We have a 15 month old DS and without going into all the details basically we have only my partner’s parents to rely on to have him should we want to go out together etc.

My “poll” questions are:

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

Thanks all! Really interested to hear what situations you all have. Knowing age of your children would help too. Xxx

You could ask at your child’s nursery. Often the staff will do babysitting on evenings and weekends. Bonus that it’s someone you know, trust and your child knows and hopefully likes too!

I have 2 kids, 3 and 1.5.

My “poll” questions are:

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one? - two grannies and a few siblings could be called upon at a push, and two childfree friends who like the novelty of babysitting sometimes
2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc each granny does one day of childcare per week which includes an overnight each, I am there for one them so only one night off
3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents? yes, MIL will often offer to have the kids overnight at the weekend, take her up on it maybe once a month. My mum is further away so less likely to have an adhoc overnight but did do a whole weekend for us recently
4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? kids go to grandparents. I hate other people (my mum mainly) in my house making observations on my housekeeping

I am aware how totally lucky we are to have the help we do. It saves us a fortune and is lovely for everyone to have the strong relationships.

I have teenagers now, but I had no family help whatsoever, and no help from friends other than in a proper emergency (eg emergency when my parent was dying).
The factors are/were distance , the age of our parents (only one still living now, all four were alive when the dc were small), and DH’s parents being untrustworthy with dc.
It was hard, it would have been easier, (and would still be easier now actually) if I’d had parents close by who I could call on for help.

There are 3 people I would trust to have my children overnight but the answers to the other questions is none really.

Parents live away DS1 has been looked after 4times overnight. First time he was 18 months old the other 2 were for emergencies when they happened to be visiting anyway. DS2 hasn't had any overnights and is 11 months old.

My mum offers but her house is unsuitable, it's pristine, huge telly wall, glass table etc. it's just not child friendly and there is nothing for dd to do, she's going to be nine months when she needs childcare. She also can't drive so taking her out anywhere is a no go and she doesn't do walks.

Mil offered but has changed the goal posts on days/times so many times I've gave up and just booked a nursery. I can't be arsed with people offering to help, then bailing or changing the goal posts at every whim.

Dd is a nightmare for naps and won't settle for anyone so I'm reluctant to let anyone have her, plus they never lists when I say oh she's tired...it's oh maybe she's hungry, bored etc...no I just told you she's tired.

Context: two little girls - 2.5y and 4mo. Currently on maternity leave.

I am VERY lucky I believe!

1. I have 6 - mum & stepdad, MIL & FIL, sister, SIL. Very lucky that my husband has still got both sets of grandparents who would help if we were really stuck for an hour or so. Also have friends who would help in a pinch but I don’t like to ask them.
2. At the moment - one. MIL takes eldest on a Friday but I still have the baby with me. When I’m back at work - 3 days, MIL and mum alternate Mondays, my mum Tuesdays and MIL Fridays.
3. Eldest sleeps at MIL’s every week. Has stayed overnight with my mum twice (once for a wedding where I was a bridesmaid so mum came up with her to sit in the church and once when I was giving birth)
4. Stay at grandparents house. My mum babysat in my house once and hated it!

None. Two disabled children who are not manageable by anyone other than us or school.

I’m very lucky as my parents live near us and will help out if asked, at the moment that’s one school pick up every 3 weeks and one Brownies pick up every 3 weeks, they have her for a couple of hours at theirs each time. I don’t like asking them too much though. My sister in law also helps out every couple of weeks-my husband’s shift pattern means we struggle one week out of 3 and it’s all hands on deck! My daughter is 8 and has had 2 sleepovers with my parents and 2 or 3 with her aunt-I wouldn’t wish her horrendous sleep on anyone! I also have my brother nearby and we help each other out during holidays, I’ll have his 2 sometimes as well.
As my daughter is getting older we can get out for a quick dinner while she is at activities, but be work around us both working full time, shifts and I’m studying too.

Ours are 15, 9 and 6. We have to wait until school holidays and book the younger two into a holiday club to go for lunch together 😂 that's extent of our 'dates'. No family on either side apart from my elderly grandparents and my uncle who has no children. All 3 were home births. If there was a serious emergency we could ask school friends mums but no we don't have anyone to just babysit. What we'd give for a weekend away or even just a spa day!!

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?

1 set of GP close by, 1 a plane ride away. Local friends (probably 3 or 4) and 3 different babysitters.

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?

my daughter is nearly 7 and stayed overnight just once in that time. She is happy with us going out late but didn’t like the overnight.

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

either.

pre covid local gp’s would look after our dd a couple of times a week, but after covid she is now at school. If we go out we tend to pay baby sitters as it’s easier and they are closer.

Hey! me and dp have two boys age 6 and 4 since my youngest was born we have zero help from anyone. We very sadly lost Mil just before our youngest was born, she missed him by a matter of weeks and before that we had childcare from Mil and Fil for work and also social, Mil would actively want to have my oldest there she loved nothing more than mothering and after she passed everything changed. So my dp and I have to work around each other and we haven't been out socially for an evening out for probably close to 5 years.

My mum and sister have been like a second mum to my children and very much involved. They would take them for appointments, work, and social reason if they were available. Both were having them for sleepovers since about 6 months. If my mum had one of them overnight I wouldn’t ask again for a few weeks. She would offer though too as loves spending time with them. I’ve never had any continuous help with childcare as all family members work. My partners sister and parents will also have them if asked and sil offered to have them for sleepovers with cousins lots too. My parents never have came to my house. I’m very lucky.

I only really trust my parents with DC
They look after them for 2 whole days per week whilst I work. I've only ever asked for once socially as we had a wedding. As I work full time over 4 days, I feel the other 3 days should be spent with them, and therefore don't do anything they're not included in.
There has been no need for any over night stays, whilst I would be comfortable with my parents, they already do so much, and I want to be with DC myself.

We are incredibly lucky - we have other offers from a few friends and other family members but I wouldn't feel comfortable, and whilst I trust they would look after DC, I don't think DC would be happiest, and that's what matters.

When dd was young ex in-laws did loads looked after her 2/3 times a week while we were working and would offer to do over night regular. My sister also helped out and would do over night. With ds (different dad) it's been totally opposite, sister has moved to other side of country (6hrs away) in-laws did do half a day when I worked for about a year (upto ds starting school) and now they will have him overnight a few times a year. But mostly we muddle through ourselves.

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one? We have both sets of grandparents and BIL/SIL. There’s a few other family members Bro/SIL, auntie, cousin who would help out in an emergency or if we were really stuck for childcare.

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
my mum has DS usually 2-3 days/afternoons per week whilst I’m at work (shift worker so it varies) - my dad still works so he’s usually not around until late afternoon. My MIL/FIL have him the odd day/couple of hours here and there maybe a few times a month (FIL is disabled so although MIL would love to have DS more often it’s a bit much for her…although she struggles to admit it!). SIL/BIL have had him for the odd hour or 2
here and there when grandparents haven’t been available. My mum semi-retired when I went back to work after mat leave so that she could help with childcare - she turned 65 roughly the same time so she didn’t need to take early retirement or anything like that.

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
DS has stayed overnight at both sets of grandparents multiple times (more often with my parents). He’s had to stay over a few times so we could work (I’m a shift worker and DH sometimes works away so occasionally it works out that I finish work after his bedtime so it’s easier/nicer for him to stay over rather than him go to bed later than his bedtime and I just go over first thing the next morning for him). He’s stayed over several times so we could go out too. DS is just over 2 now and mostly a great sleeper so we’ve never had any issues when he’s stayed elsewhere…in fact he tends to sleep in later when he’s at the grandparents than at home 🙄

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? He goes to the grandparents house. My mum has come to our house once for an hour or so to watch him whilst we nipped to the open evening at his nursery as it was after his bedtime but not necessary for him to need to sleep out somewhere.

I realise we are very lucky to have all the help we have. Both sets of grandparents want to look after him and would happily have him more often if we needed them to.

We have DF, MIL & FIL who all help with school drop off/ pick ups through the week when we're in work (both work in schools so help not needed in the holidays)
If we want to go out then any of the grandparents or one of my 2 sisters will babysit, sometimes they come here sometimes it's a sleepover but then they go to separate people (for example DS will go to MIL, DD will go to DF house) just because they find it easier that way.
We also have 3 brothers between us we can call on in an emergency.
I do appreciate how very lucky we are to have so much willing help! Between them they have saved us a fortune in childcare and allowed us to have much needed us time!

1. 4, both sets of grandparents
2. A typical week?? Zero. With lots of advanced planning maybe once a month or so. My parents are 5 hours away. DH’s parents are closer in distance but have extensive caring commitments for a relative
3. My parents have had DS for two weekends in 3 years. MIL will happily have DS for an afternoon with planning but can’t commit to overnight.
4. My parents come to ours, we tend to go to MILs.

My “poll” questions are:

1. when they were little just my mum. She doesn't live nearby though. Now my kids are 12&16 and sometimes have sleepovers at friends .
2. none
3. never have. Like I say they had sleepovers at friends when older.
4. When they've had the kids on a rare occasion it's been at their house.

We have no free support as our family live too far away but my MIL has done three overnights since birth at ours, on holiday and at hers (our LO is now 2) and had family help with off date night - otherwise we pay for childcare either babysitter for a date night or nursery (4 days a week as we both work full time) as it's such hard work we need the time to be ourselves, work and be a couple!

None. No family alive/in the same country.

This is not aimed at any one post but a mix of what I have seen on forums and in normal life but when people complain they don't get help how much help do they give? 'Oh we are too busy for that'

If you complain it is not or shouldnt be one-sided

This is Mumsnet OP. Nobody ever has any help ever is their whole life and why have children to not look after them all by yourself?
Ask people you know in real life for some proper answers- most people I know have a lot of help.

1. 0
2. 0
3. no
4. n/a

When huge, hospital attention needed emergencies have happened they’ve been amazing to jump in and mind the other kids, but other than that nothing. Mil because of physical stuff, the others just never did. The tiny tiny amount of times we asked for help knowing they were free they basically asked could we not just (insert alternative that involved them going into childcare/go to friends house etc) and when our car broke down and we asked could they drop them in they said a taxi would probably be better, they couldn’t guarantee getting up on time etc.

It used to bother me but actually I think less people out there get help than I used to think and when you have no kids in the house it seems to be a huge deal. Plus have overheard gps at the school gate talking about how wrecked they are helping out and making comments about how little thanks they get and I feel for them, children are hard enough to look after at our age!!!

2 kids, eldest 4 y.o.

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?

• Couple of friends for emergencies (happened once when I gave birth to my youngest).

2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
   None apart from excruciatingly expensive nursery to allow us both to work.

3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
   No, all grandparents live thousands miles away and are disabled.

For the last 4 years we haven't been able to go out without the kids. But we knew we won't get any support, it doesn't make it easier but at least we're not disappointed. Once both kids are older we are planning to book a babysitter on occasion.

Live close to family but not reliant on others if we can help it. Parents help siblings so feel we don’t like asking; partners’ parents both have significant care needs so we’ve been their full time carers since our youngest was born, & obviously not in a position to help. I reduced work hours & work responsibilities significantly when kids were born so childcare was in-house, & to help in-laws. Unfortunately this means partner & I sacrifice time together just the two of us. We’ve just got used to it & it’s become the norm for us. Offers of childcare from neighbours etc who know our situation however I don’t feel comfortable leaving kids with them. For events such as weddings etc, only one of us will attend as we prefer to keep our childcare options for emergency situations which are happening more frequently with in-laws. Kids all school age now so we’ve had a few lunchtimes together as a couple which has been lovely esp as we’ve not done this for 10+years.