How much help do you get from relatives with your children?

[Eirlys1986]

Hi all, posting more out of interest and to see whether or not me and my partner are feeling unnecessarily hard done by when actually we should be happy with our lot!

We have a 15 month old DS and without going into all the details basically we have only my partner’s parents to rely on to have him should we want to go out together etc.

My “poll” questions are:

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

Thanks all! Really interested to hear what situations you all have. Knowing age of your children would help too. Xxx

1. my parents
2. ad-hoc once or twice every few months but we don't do it often
3. they go there as by the time we get back it would be too late for my parents to stay up they'd be in bed and they are getting older it is actually hard work for them but they never complain , they also used to have my niece and nephew to stay (separate occasions and then their parents got divorced so even more so) since they were born and they are now 17 and 15. Mine are 10 and 6. We are extremely lucky. It's got easier as the kids have got older they said.

1, 2 potentially 3 but the third would be at a push.

1. None

1. They have stayed at grandparents house 3 times. My eldest is almost 10.

1. At grandparents house.

single mum since the word go

My mum came to stay for 5 days when my child was 2 after he had had an operation so I could go to work while he was too unwell to go to nursery.

My sons went to my parents alone for 3 days aged 8 and 10 when I was in hospital. A friend drove them there and collected them later ( over 100 miles)

I asked for a friend to babysit when they were aged 7 and 5, for 6 evenings for a training course I had to do for work

I went out once without children for social reasons in 12 years.

ALl other socialising was done with children for 12 years, or else done at my house with children asleep.

I would say though, I was no great socialiser, and I was happy with this, and could have had more time to myself if I had wanted to, arranged sleepovers for both together, etc - it would not have been difficult

I have 2 Dd, eldest is 8, youngest just turned 3,
With eldest she was always having sleepovers at both grandparents, probs slept out once a month at least, my MIL had her twice a week whilst I worked too. Since dd2 arrived, covid hit, world went to pot.. She goes to mil one day a week, she's slept out 4 times since being born.
We are lucky and thankful to have what childcare we have, more would be amazing (less nursery fees to pay lol) but thankful for what help we get tbh

Mine are grown now, and I would have my DF babysit once every 6 or so weeks for an evening, sometimes we went months between nights out.
I never left them overnight, other than when I was having my babies.
The baby sitter always came to us, as we were child friendly, and they would be going to bed.

I've got a bit of an age gap between my 1st 2 kids and the 2nd 2. With the 1st I had help from my parents on a Sunday so that both my husband and I could work (and pay for less childcare in the week). Some of the weekends they'd have the kids the night before too. I also had teenage siblings who would babysit during the day/evening for a bit of cash. It was lovely

The 2nd 2 I've had almost no support with. Their dad was abusive and wanted me stuck at home with no support so that's exactly what he engineered to happen. They're 8 and 6 now and other than paid childcare, my teenagers will look after them for the odd hour if I go shopping or something. My sister would look after them but is 2 hours away and they wouldn't stay the night. My friend would also help out but she's got enough on her plate so I would only ask in an absolute emergency.

It won't be like this forever though. They grow so so quickly and before you know it you're sat at home alone while they're out with their friends or asking for sleepovers (this might not happen for my ASD daughter but it might)

Have 3 dc had no help I’m nc with my family dh family is a big no no they will only have sil children she deserves a break, worked around each other, take aways at home for special occasions, no time away together, no honey moon, sil had 2week away, we have done it now tho dc are at ages where we can make up and go out for meals just a few more years and we can have a night away together

None

My MIL looked after our eldest for one night whilst I gave birth to DC2, but that's it. In fairness if we asked for help I think she would do it, but she helps out with SIL's children already (youngest one has ASD and can be a bit volatile) and I think she finds it tiring so wouldn't ask/burden her with more. My parents and I disagree on certain points (e.g. smacking, they are very pro and I am against) plus they get tired easily so I wouldn't ask them either, although they probably would step in for an emergency. DC1 is 6, the only time I've had childcare was the night I gave birth to DC2, to the extent that I was alone in hospital with my newborn for almost 24 hours because DH had to look after DC1. My mum never had any help with us growing up so for me its normal.

My dc are grown up now but when they were the same age as your dc we were very lucky and had lots of help. We still live in the same town we grew up in which helps as have lots of people around we’ve known forever. My parents were wonderful and helped lots, often having the children for 2-3 days when they could, from when dc were tiny and then in the holidays as they got older. After mum died dc didn’t go away from us overnight for a long time due to grief really apart from sleepovers occasionally to suit them rather than for our benefit. We still had people to babysit though and drop and fetch as needed.

To answer your questions-

1. lots
2. after maternity leave mum had ds one day a week and often had him on other evenings so we could go out. Friends also had dc as we would swap times/dates so I’d have hers one day and she would have mine on another.
3. anytime
4. either really, whichever suited them at the time. We also used to go on holiday with my parents and they used to get up with dc and babysit in the evenings.

I was very lucky as my parents were amazing x

1 have a few good friends and dd has 2 older siblings in 30’s , so they have her to babysit if want to go out or I lay a baby sitter

2 none

3 never stayed at grandads

4 he has her for odd hour on own if I need to be somewhere but isn’t capable to have her for a few hours and tbh I wouldn’t ask as I chose to have my dd and not up to him to have her

I don’t expect gp should have to look after their gc and give up their life /free time once retiree

DS is 2.5yrs and I’m pregnant with our second. Grandparents would love to help but live abroad and so we have nothing. We both work full time and it is hard but it’s the choice we made. If the nursery calls and says DS is sick then we have to work it out between us. If we need to work late then the other has to be free to cover. We each go out for our hobbies one week evening but date nights are not possible. Autumn 2021 was horrendous for us with DS being constantly sick. We were both working late into the night to keep up with work. We actually broke at one point and paid for my DM to come out for a week. We are at the point where we would look for a babysitter for DS but we are now resetting the clock on that having no2.

None. My DCs are grown-up now, but when they were small my only source of help was DH, who worked long hours and was away a lot. I got no time off at all, even if I was ill.

My darling Mum and MIL had our children overnight regularly when they were little and my mum had my youngest son every Friday after school until about 7pm .
Likewise we care for grandchild most Friday afternoons and overnight so my daughter can have time to relax for 24 hrs and recharge.
She is a single mother and full time student so we do everything we can to support her studies which long term will improve her life for our grandchild and herself.

Virtually none. DD's dad and his parents live abroad. My parents will help for a couple of hours in an emergency but for various reasons aren't able to offer regular care or overnights etc. My sister and the mum of one of DD's friends have done overnights when I've been to a wedding, or out with friends for my birthday. Wouldn't ask or expect anything more than that, certainly have no one who would facilitate me going out weekly/monthly and tbh why should they? Probably one or two other friends I'd trust to care for her in an emergency situation. I pay for wraparound care so I can work but basically she has me and that's it!

1. Around 20 maybe. Mix of friends & family.
2. One day a week regularly. Other times add hoc if I ask. I also babysit/look after friends kids if they ask.
3. Grandparents probably would, I've never asked, kids don't always sleep well so feels a big ask at the moment.
4. Mix depending on what is convenient.

Family wise. None. They are too far. We have people who would look after them in a medical emergency, say, but not just for babysitting. I don't know anybody locally who doesn't have kids.

My mum is a saint and looks after my youngest 2 3 times a week. Although at 8 and 14 they don't need much looking after. it's mainly for my 8 year old really. My eldest is almost 18 and she used to look after him too. They have stopped over loads of times at my mums and sis in laws. I return the favour with my nieces though. I'm very lucky to have such support! I'm a single parent with very minimal input from their dad.

We only have my dad who will babysit in the evenings at our house if we want to go out for a meal or something, maybe once a month or less. No regular other day care or overnights or out of our house. We also occasionally do the same with a babysitter if my dad isn't available.

None, our families are 4-5 hours drive away so we've never had any help. We're used to it.

And to be honest I do feel a bit hard done by 😅 both my partners parents are dead and so is my mum.

My answers are:

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one? None

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc? None

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents? No never. My parents are 80-something and 90, and my ex only has one parent and apart from being 7 hr drive away is not someone I’d trust with my child.

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? N/A

None locally at all. In laws live overseas. Last time they visited I was able to leave kids with MIL for the first time. Was unbelievably helpful! Kids are now 10 and 5.

None. A friend has her every other Saturday so I can work for but that's it.

ive got 2 kids, 6yrs and almost 3yrs

both kids together: both together: my mum, my best friend,

one child at a time: MIL, dad, sister, SIL, 2- 3 close friends.

2. my mum child minds them every Friday although its mainly the youngest (3) as eldest is in school. She also does ad hoc days in the school holidays to help us out now shes recently retired.

maybe once every 3-4 minths mum or sister might babsit for an evening or an overnight for a birthday or anniversary, i dont like to ask much as I dont like to take the mick as my mum help’s so generously with childcare for work.

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
eldest stays over fairly often e.g in half term and shes looking after her the next day. Its easier for eldest to stay over.
very occasionally she will have both stay over, for Anniversary etc as above

4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? For childminding mum comes to my house. For overnight babysitting they generally go to my mums and stay in her spare room, they have some toys and books there.