How much help do you get from relatives with your children?

[Eirlys1986]

Hi all, posting more out of interest and to see whether or not me and my partner are feeling unnecessarily hard done by when actually we should be happy with our lot!

We have a 15 month old DS and without going into all the details basically we have only my partner’s parents to rely on to have him should we want to go out together etc.

My “poll” questions are:

1. How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
2. How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc
3. Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
4. When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

Thanks all! Really interested to hear what situations you all have. Knowing age of your children would help too. Xxx

Thanks Cat for the insightful thought! Seems a lot of people really don’t have any help but I must say I was really surprised when I compare it to what I seem to see of friends and other people we know so you are correct. I asked on here just to get a larger group of people responding as I appreciate perhaps the people I know are luckier than most.

This is an excellent idea! I will ask as I would really trust them

•How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?
I have around 5 people for definite that I trust. Maybe even a couple more.

•How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc.
I work Mon-Weds. My son is with a childminder on Mon/Tues then on Wednesday he goes to either my mum or MIL.

•Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?
Yeah I could pretty much leave him whenever we/they want him. He has had many sleepovers with my mum/dad/MIL, my mum and dad have taken him to their caravan a couple of times for 2/3 nights which just gives us a break! And they absolutely love taking him! He’s 1 year old.

•When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?
He always sleeps out at grandparents. The only time he doesn’t is if we go to a rugby game (quite regular) and if it’s an evening game, my mum comes round and puts him to bed for us!

None. No family near enough. My kids have never slept over for childcare or been cared for by family in their lives. All me and husband.

1. Trustworthy isn't the main factor dictating childcare options for many families. There are a lot of people in our lives that we trust. They aren't able to help with childcare though. For example, a mobile 10 month old DC would run rings around my elderly great-aunt.

1. 2 days per week of nursery. DH and I both work and those are the days that our schedules clash, so we needed a nursery placement.

1. Nope. Never done this. Unlikely to be able to do so - grandparents live too far away.

1. See 3.

None at all. DH only has a sister in a different country, who has never even met my dcs. My brother is abroad and my parents are a few hours away and in their 80's. They couldn't manage them. When I went to have my second, I was in the hospital on my own because there was noone. We moved city and now I have a friend that could possibly step in in an emergency.

I only have my DM. Single parent. Ex DH’s parents love other side of country. My DM did regular child minding when DD1 was a baby as DH then worked weird shift patterns making nursery difficult. But it made it harder to ask for social child care as she had looked after her for days. Then we had DD2 and my DM’s health deteriorated a lot. She struggled and DD2 went to nursery - after separation I became eligible for financial help as well. She did do some overnights for school for a while again and school runs. Now as a single parent if I want to go out I have to ask my DM. Kids are older so easier to self manage and less hands on required. They usually sleep over. Not on school nights anymore as DM can’t do early morning get ups due to health. She can’t come to mine for health reasons so kids have to go to her. Ex DH works weekends so makes it harder for a social life. Also social life pretty much fizzled out when we separated - that child be a whole other thread.

No family close by, no living grandparents. Only been out twice with DH in 7 years since having kids on our own. Enjoy the help you have and hope you make it work for you

3 YO DD

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?

There are a few grandparents I could ask if we were in a pinch. Nobody has really offered and they're all a bit far away for any regular arrangements.

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc

Zero. One grandparent has looked after DD while I had an appointment once last year. Another has visited and played with DD while I worked on a handful of occasions.

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?

Never.

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

N/A

I shouldn't have said nobody has offered - probably unfair wording. I mean, nobody offered to provide regular childcare while I was working. Nobody said "do you want us to have her once a week while you work". I just sorted my work around her nap/sleeping times and I guess everyone thought we were sorted. Plus like I said, too far away for any real arrangement I think.

They have offered to look after DD and "you go out for a meal with DH" but it's never been a serious thing that's been organised. People have said the words, if that makes sense, but it's not amounted to it being organised for whatever reason.

My “poll” answers are:

1. My SIL and the nursery staff we pay to look after them ...
2. 🤣🤣🤣 outside of paid for childcare I'd say it's less than 5 times a year anyone has them all together (I have 3) and then it's rarely for more than 3-4 hours
3. my mum will have them maybe once or twice a year if we're very lucky.
4. if they're staying over the night (once in a blue moon) they go to my mum's. SIL watches them for a couple of hours at our house.

Basically if we need childcare then we pay for it through holiday clubs and nursery. We don't go out in the evenings together and we rarely get a night "off". When we do get a night "off" it comes with an hour commute each way, a strict timetable of when they can be dropped off and when they have to leave by and usually hourly messages up to that point asking us to come earlier. More arsing than it's worth. 🙄

None. My DS was born abroad so we had no family. Don't live near my parents and they are too elderly to help anyway. DP's family live abroad. I just got on with it but in hindsight some child-free time might have been good for my mental health.

1.We have 6 people I'd trust to look after my little ones.
2.My mother has my youngest one day a week so I can go to work (and any additional days I need to work, appointments, etc), then they all sleepover at my parents one night at the weekend as my husband and I have a shared hobby. We also have a friend, my teenage niece (who we pay) and two aunts who we use for ad hoc babysitting.
3.Grandparents are happy to have children overnight as and when but we try not to abuse this as they do so much for us anyway.
4.If family we take them to their house, but if I'm paying my niece she comes to us. My friend will also come to us if its an evening but children go to her if its during the day.

We are very lucky with our childcare help.

I have a 22-month-old DD…

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?

Two (my mum and my MIL) but they tend to babysit together if longer than a few hours as they find a full day alone too exhausting (which I get!).

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc

One afternoon every week - they alternate weeks - while we work (we have a bit of a complicated set up but this is what we need covering)

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?

Yes, we’re very lucky

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

It’s always been at our house but we’re now gearing up to getting DD used to her grannies’ houses so she can stay there overnight. DC2 is due this Summer so seemed the time to get her used to it just in case!

We don't have a big selection of people to help family wise, as half of DH's family we are NC with now and the others live too far away, although I'm sure they would be willing to help if they could.I am an only child and my elderly dad sadly passed away in 2021.But we are very lucky that my mum who lives locally is incredibly good to us in that regard.She occasionally takes/collects older DD from school if we need her to, has 1yo DD one morning a week whilst I work and often has them for afew ad hoc hours here and there at ours or hers.She is in her 70s so i wouldn't ask her to do overnight or evenings anytime soon, as our girls (5&1) are not good sleepers and don't settle too well so can be hard work then.Our youngest still breastfeeds to sleep at the moment anyway, so date nights are off the cards for now!
My mum is always very willing to help and loves doing so.She is very reliable and i know she will always be there for us in an emergency.She is wonderful with the girls...a typical doting grandma, so we are very lucky to have her.

Forgot to add we also have multiple friends who would help (and we could trust to) care for DDs in an urgent situation if they were available, and our NDN are great- they had older DD so DH could come visit me when I was induced with 1yo, and their daughter sometimes babysits for us.

1. 0
2. 0
3. 0
4. 0

DC is 4.5

1. 7 - but they are close family and they have small children of their own so although it's nice for play dates. It wouldn't necessarily be a childcare option.

2. 2 - my son is at nursery for the 2 days that I work, no help from family. Only ever for work and never socially.

3. Never

4. If on the odd occasion grandparents can help for an hour or so, they will come to us.

Can I ask why you are doing the poll?

None on my side of the family really. I do not speak to my mum. I have siblings but wouldn't trust them with my son. I don't agree with their life styles.
My cousin I would trust, but haven't ever left him with her
He's 8 now. He stays with PIL for one week during the summer holidays but that's it. If we needed them they'd have him but they live 60 miles away so it's not as easy as that.

So in conclusion no one really

None, taking kids to your smear test is particularly eventful. No privacy at all now I'm mum lol

My mum has one of my kids one day a week (we've got 2 kids). She will babysit if we want to go out for a meal or evening out, I think she'd be happy to do that maybe once a month but we feel cheeky asking so it happens maybe 3/4 times a year. If that happens, she'll come and sit at ours and watch tv until we're home.
Her and my dad refuse to have the kids overnight ever. It's never happened and the eldest is 4- not that I'd ask often but if it was up to me I'd like the kids to stay over at theirs a little more than never.
I'd never say anything or moan to anyone about that though as I know how lucky we are for mum to have our youngest once a week- saves us a lot of money on nursery for that day each week.
I'd bloody love a full night off though. DH's mum is too far away to have them.

Ours are older near teens now but answering as of the time when they were little.

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one?

• Either of our sets of parents or siblings would have - but we live nowhere near them. All family are 2-5 hours away.

How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc

• Paid for childcare with reliable childminder every day when we both worked full time. Reduced to 3 days when DH went part time. None at all for going out socially unless we were on holiday staying with family or they with us, and we would try to go out for a meal. Maybe once a year or perhaps twice when they were preschool.

Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents?

• No, apart from did this once or twice when staying with our parents or them staying with us as complete one off (attending a wedding).

When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours?

• did one of each, one time each I think. Distance prohibited anything more regular.

I think if we lived closer to family we would certainly have had more help. They’d have been very happy to help, and did help us in emergencies or v unusual situations eg once when one got chickenpox my mum came to stay for a week to look after him at our house while we went to work, as couldn’t go back to childminder yet and we’d already taken a week off. But couldn’t ever do that ad hoc cos of distance. And once my mum came to stay to help my DH with little ones when I was travelling for the week with work.

How many people do you have in your life that are trustworthy to look after your little one? DH, Mum,stepdad, brother+SIL, MIL (doesn't live near).
How many days/nights on a typical week do you get help with childcare and is this for work/going out socially etc 0 but if I asked mum would help. It's because I only ask in emergencies.
Do you have times when you can leave your little one overnight with grandparents? Mum would happily sit but I don't want to burden her. Mum has an ageing dad who she helps ontop of working full time. My DCs have stayed on average twice a year since birth.
When you do leave them, do they have to go to grandparents house or do grandparents come to yours? Mum has come to mine and DCs have also stayed at mum's.

We had no help at all fracases we lived hundreds of miles away from both families.

We now give on day every week and have just had the first overnight, at 2 1/2 years. Would be happy to have them every month or so.

We have zero help.