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Original poster

A bit of an upsetting thread but please let me know your thoughts.

120 replies

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 24/01/2008 18:00

I haven't been on mn for a while but I hope you can help me get to terms with this.

Our nanny has always been wonderful , really good with the children and we never had any concerns. She pretty much became part of the family over the last few months.

We had an incident last week and I have 'suspended' her since. I feel so awful about it and don't know what to do.
We are in a new house and have had lots of decorating done lately. This means loads of tools and paint etc around the house but I have been careful about where the children go, and to clean it up.

Last friday I got a call from our nanny, in tears, saying we should meet her at the hospital. One of the ambulance crew took over the call and told me DS had been in the bath with a bottle of white spirit.

Her story is she left him for a couple of minutes (oh my gosh!) and came back to find him with the empty bottle in the bath and the whole place reeking of turps. He was hysterical so she first showered him off (good) then dashed to call an ambulance whilst he sat under the shower.

He is fine, he had a really bad dry skin afterwards but we have been reassured he didn't ingest anything. I just hope there will be no long term effects.

I just can't stop going over this. It was first the decorators fault for leaving it in the bathroom when he knows we have small children, then mine for not checking. Then hers for leaving him in the bath alone!?

I couldn't stop crying and it has become the typical thing, I feel guilty for going to work now and leaving my children. I never thought I would be that woman, but this has really shaken me.

Can anyone advise, as a parent, or as a caregiver, what I should feel or do about this?

OP posts:
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Twiglett · 24/01/2008 18:04

Accidents happen to everyone .. and very quickly and leaving a child for a couple of minutes should be ok ... my children have had accidents when my back was turned (DS even drank half a bottle of nurofen under my watch )

have you lost your faith in her? well, you must have or you wouldn't have suspended her

I personally, as an outsider and not emotionally invested in it think that unfortunately these things happen even if you'd been there it could have happened

good job there was no lasting harm done though

I suppose you have to decide yourself what you are going to do about it .. but I'd tread carefully in terms of your legal position

KaySamuels · 24/01/2008 18:04

There is no shoulds about your feelings, think most mothers would feel as you do. You are kicking yourself and I bet nanny is too??

A bit about him being left for a couple of mins, also dodn't white spirit bottles have child safety caps on like table bottles now?? Ours do!

Have ou spoken to the nanny since? Hw did you suspend her? Do you think you could ever trust her again? That's the question really isn't it? Childcare is all about peace of mind.

KaySamuels · 24/01/2008 18:05

tablet

Daisymoo · 24/01/2008 18:08

Do you mean she left him in the bath unattended? That's a whole issue in itself.

If not and he just managed to get into the bath and then into the white spirit then I think you are (perhaps understandably) being rather harsh - these things do happen and generally make us safer and better parents or carers because it reminds us what monkeys children are and how much supervision they need!

southernbelle77 · 24/01/2008 18:08

Oh my gosh, I really feel for you.
As a parent, and a caregiver I can not believe it. I would be appalled if that happened. I think you have done the right thing to suspend her for the time being so that you can take time to think about it and make the right decision for you.
As you say, the decorators should not have left it, and you should have checked, but so should she and why on earth would you leave a child in the bath alone for a second, let alone a couple of minutes? That is what scares me.
I guess you have to decide if you feel that you will be able to trust her to look after your children again and take it from there.

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 24/01/2008 18:09

Ds is only 2 1'2 so I think even leaving him in the bath is enough , let alone this.
The children have however gotten really attached to her and miss her. (as do I)

The white spirit was left open with some paint brushes on the window ledge in the bathroom by our decorators. I have spoken to them about it too.

I told her not to come for a while but we are still paying her. I haven't been able to speak to her since as I don't know what to say, but I know we need to confront the issue.

OP posts:
Pennies · 24/01/2008 18:10

Hmmm tricky one. Glad to hear your LO was OK.

How long has she been with you?

What is your gut instinct with regards to your trust in her after this episode?

Once you've concluded how you feel about that then you need to sit and either dismiss her for her negligence or give her a full on monster talking to followed up with written warning.

Sorry you've had this happen to you.

Weegle · 24/01/2008 18:11

Oh how scary for you, I hope your boy has absolutely no long lasting effects.

I guess you have to ask yourself - could the same thing have happened on your watch? Would you leave you son for a few minutes to organise his towel or whatever? If the answer is yes then really she didn't do anything "wrong". However, it's completely understandable if you feel the bond of trust is broken and irretrievable - I think only you can make that decision. For what it's worth though I should think she is feeling absolutely dreadful. You also need to look at how she handled the emergency and assess if you are pleased with that.

Twiglett · 24/01/2008 18:13

sorry bath as in it was full of water bathtime? for some reason I thought the bath was empty (don't ask why)

yes I do think that if you have lost your trust over this .. leaving a 2 year old alone in a bath is not a decision for a childcarer to make ... then it would be grounds for gross misconduct

harpsichordcarrier · 24/01/2008 18:13

DWP I am very sorry you are feeling so low about this incident.
my thoughts on it? much the same as Twig said. these things do happen, to the very best mothers and care givers.
how old is ds? fwiw I leave my children alone in the bath while I potter around, even come downstairs for a minute or so.
depends how old he is really. but I wouldn't have said that is a deal breaker.
if she is otherwise a good nanny, then I would probably try and move on.
she is certainly v likely to be super careful in the future

harpsichordcarrier · 24/01/2008 18:15

again, fwiw, I don't think she can be blamed for not spotting the white spirit.
again, fwiw, I don't think leaving a child of this age in the bath for a moment or two is that unusual. I remember a thread on mumsnet where many people said they did the same.

VanillaPumpkin · 24/01/2008 18:16

Oh dear. How dreadful for you all. FWIW I bet your Nanny is feeling as bad as you are.....
If you did chose to have her back I bet there would be NO children as well cared for as yours....She would be SO SO SO careful.
It is such a shame to have found someone you all trusted and felt so comfortable with and then to lose them. I do think you are doing the right thing by taking some time out. I wish you all the best with your decision. Tough one.

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 24/01/2008 18:16

Thanks so much.
It does make it harder that me and her have become very close.
I helped her through a bereavement recently, she has helped me through some personal issues, and she has always had a brilliant relationship with the children. This is what makes it so hard to just dismiss her.

I can't help but think it could have just as easily been me bathing him and turned my back and he grabbed it!

OP posts:
Tamum · 24/01/2008 18:18

I agree, I think that leaving him in the bath alone is not on, especially as she is an employee. To have left him unattended and not noticed an open bottle of white spirits within reach is worrying.

pelafina · 24/01/2008 18:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 24/01/2008 18:20

I think I will talk to DH again tonight and maybe call her. Perhaps I am being to harsh on her? As I said she has been the best after much trial and error, and even on a personal level I feel bad.

OP posts:
Pennies · 24/01/2008 18:20

Hmmm - I also assumed the bath was empty for some reason.

It's a tough one. I often leave my DDs (3 and just turned 2) in the bath for a couple of minutes whilst I sort out PJs, tidy up bedrooms etc ut I'm always just a few feet away with the door open so I can hear what's going on (or not going on, which I find it more concerning!). That's fine for me to do it but if I found that a nanny had done the same I know I wouldn't be happy.

Now I can see that perhaps my double standards in this respect are perverse but I can't help it or explain it.

Despite the fact that the same thing could have happened on my watch I'd feel that the trust was very badly damaged and I'd be sorely tempted to dismiss. Obviously only you can tell how you feel on that front.

Desiderata · 24/01/2008 18:22

To be fair, I left my ds in the bath alone at 2.6.

I live in a flat, so was never more than a few feet away, and could hear his every move. If you nanny was on the same floor, and felt confident that she could hear him as she went about other things, I don't think it's fair to cite negligence.

I think you'll feel a lot better about all of this when you've taken a deep breath, and spoken to her.

Tamum · 24/01/2008 18:23

Maybe the best thing would be to talk to her and ask how she would go about ensuring that nothing like this happened again? It's true, she did handle it well in the end.

pelafina · 24/01/2008 18:23

Message withdrawn

lubyluby · 24/01/2008 18:24

leaving a child that young in a bath alone is unacceptable. i would not do it and i def would not allow someone who i paid to eb with my child while i was at work to leave him in the bath unattended. my gut feelign is thank goodness he only tipped white spirits over himself and nothing else happened.

i think you need to assess if you can trust the nanny to never leave him unattended in the bath again. if you can then you need to talk it through and set firm ground rules as to what she can and can;t do no matter how small an issue it may seem. if you feel you can;t trust ehr anymore then a full and frank discussion with her explaining why you can;t trust her and give her notice.

hope your ds is ok.

crokky · 24/01/2008 18:25

My biggest problem with the situation is if there was water in the bath. If there was water in the bath, then I would consider leaving a 2 yo risky and I would not let such a person look after my child.

To me, actually, the white spirit is quite a separate issue and an accident. I would think a decorator, unless he has had active hands on experience of looking after his own small children would have no real concept of what monkeys little children can be and the things they are able to do if they really want to. I would honsestly not have thought it was realistic to clear all their stuff out of the reach of small children every day. It was stupid to leave the lid off the white spirit, but I think I might expect this sort of thing.

I am sympathetic to how you feel and I am sorry for you and your DS. I would say leaving a 2 yo in the bath with water in it for 2 minutes is grounds to dismiss a nanny. Again this is without taking into account the white spirit, which is a more complicated problem which I don't know the answer to. It is a horrible situation overall, especially as you like and trust this lady and perhaps feel what she has done is only human.

calzone · 24/01/2008 18:25

Personally I think it is fine to leave a 2.5 yr old in the bath alone for a few minutes. Mine are in there now!

It could have happened to anyone and I think you should invite her over for coffee and talk about the situation.

She will never make the same mistake again and handled, what could have been a devastating situation, brilliantly.

she obviously loves your children dearly. What would you do if it had been your Mum who had been in charge?

Have her back! She sounds lovely.

(Just hope she hasnt gone somewhere else for another job!!)

wannaBe · 24/01/2008 18:27

I think the issue here is that a bottle of white spirit was left open, where a child could get hold of it.

When I was about 2 I was left alone in the bath for a minute and while my mother's back was turned I took a swig of shampoo! Well it smelled of something nice so ... . Unfortunately these things do happen and none of us are infallible.

calzone · 24/01/2008 18:27

It isnt as though she was Mumsnetting though or downstairs where she couldnt hear him!

The bath probably wasnt so full, she had gone to get towels and PJs and kept talking to him while she was gone!

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