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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

A bit of an upsetting thread but please let me know your thoughts.

120 replies

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 24/01/2008 18:00

I haven't been on mn for a while but I hope you can help me get to terms with this.

Our nanny has always been wonderful , really good with the children and we never had any concerns. She pretty much became part of the family over the last few months.

We had an incident last week and I have 'suspended' her since. I feel so awful about it and don't know what to do.
We are in a new house and have had lots of decorating done lately. This means loads of tools and paint etc around the house but I have been careful about where the children go, and to clean it up.

Last friday I got a call from our nanny, in tears, saying we should meet her at the hospital. One of the ambulance crew took over the call and told me DS had been in the bath with a bottle of white spirit.

Her story is she left him for a couple of minutes (oh my gosh!) and came back to find him with the empty bottle in the bath and the whole place reeking of turps. He was hysterical so she first showered him off (good) then dashed to call an ambulance whilst he sat under the shower.

He is fine, he had a really bad dry skin afterwards but we have been reassured he didn't ingest anything. I just hope there will be no long term effects.

I just can't stop going over this. It was first the decorators fault for leaving it in the bathroom when he knows we have small children, then mine for not checking. Then hers for leaving him in the bath alone!?

I couldn't stop crying and it has become the typical thing, I feel guilty for going to work now and leaving my children. I never thought I would be that woman, but this has really shaken me.

Can anyone advise, as a parent, or as a caregiver, what I should feel or do about this?

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Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 15:51

Hello to everyone, sorry that I haven't updated this I, completely forgot.

The meeting went terribly and she stormed out after ten minutes. I haven't been able to get through to her on the phone since so we are in the process of writing her a letter.

Needless to say we are on the hunt for a new nanny.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/01/2008 15:56

Shit, TDWP

Why did it go so badly?

themildmanneredjanitor · 29/01/2008 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 29/01/2008 16:01

hope you're writing a blow by blow account

how odd

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 16:02

She came into the whole thing with an attitude and personality I have never seen in her.
Extremely defensive and said very little.
We asked her to clarify exactly what happened 'on record' and explained the reasons for this and she told us we had no right to ''interrogate'' her.
I said pretty much what I said on here, that I thought we had a great relationship, both professional and personal, and it would be a shame to lose her but we needed to understand and talk through what happened. I stressed that it was perhaps as important for her in her capacity now and in the future, as for me.
Sadly she again refused to talk and stormed off.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/01/2008 16:04

She sounds pretty immature. And also like she knew she'd done the wrong thing. Massive guilt there, I reckon.

Did her mum come with her?

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 16:04

I don't know if she just couldn't handle the situation or I seriously misjudged her to begin with. Either way it's not a very nice situation.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 29/01/2008 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 29/01/2008 16:06

did she bring her mum?

I think she stormed out of embarrassment tbh

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 16:06

Her mum came, and I was really impressed with her. She said when she arrived she was just here as a 'witness' for her daughter, was not and shouldn't be involved, so would just sit in and listen. She apologised afterwards and said she hopes we work things out.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/01/2008 16:11

Ah, I wondered if she'd got the bravado from her mum's presence.

Hope you find someone else very soon, TDWP.

elliott · 29/01/2008 16:13

Well, my comments are irrelevant now as it looks like you are finding someone else, but just to say a friend of mine's child had an accident while in her nanny's care. The friend took her back, because she persuaded herself (for all the reasons other posters have put forward) that thsi was the right thing to do. She found howver that she just couldn't trust her again or feel comfortable about the situation and ended up having to sack her anyway. It sounds a horrible situation and one that I am sure those of us who use childcare are thinking 'there but for the grace of god...'

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 16:16

Thaks Hunker. I don't know if she would have behaved differently if her mum wasn't there. Either way she obviously wasn't what we thought of her so I am now much happier to move on. For the moment DC's are going to a local nursery full time , and apparantly really enjoying it, so I may make that a part time arranegemt long term and have a nanny the rest of the time. DH's cousin loves fairly locally and has two free days for minding so she would be perfect for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 16:19

elliot, I understand that completely. I think though that I would have been able to trust her again had she stood up to the situation, explained and defended herself.

OP posts:
Blu · 29/01/2008 16:29

Crikey!

I was reading up the thread thinking "accidents happen....a meeting will be really good for everyone to go through what happened and how to make sure that never happens again..and move on".

I think your case demonstrates how important reflection and a little formality are. In all truth, I might not have suspended her....and would then never have found out how immature, defensive and therefore less likely to take on board experience she was!

I think you have handled this really well.

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/01/2008 16:32

Thanks Blu, I do hope so.

I now just have to deal with the minefield of formally terminating her employment. We are still paying her, the next will go out on thursday. I need to speak to our solicitor about it I think.

OP posts:
TurkishDeelite · 29/01/2008 17:01

The white spirit should not have been left in reach of the child. In my opinion leaving a 2.5 yo in a house environment for a couple of minutes is not a big deal. (I have a 3 yo and a 4.5 yo) Good nannies are very hard to come by these days and it seems like both your family and the nanny has developed a wonderful rapport and invested a lot in what has become a good, trusting relationship. Considering everything I think it would be wrong to blame the nanny, you could have been in her shoes too. I think it is best to learn from this and move on. Talk to your nanny, let her know how you feel, and let her do the same as I am sure she must be distraught! YOu would be punishing yourself as well as her if you let her go. You need to look at the bigger picture and see if she is worth keeping...

Just for your info: I left a bottle of nurofen in my 3 yo's room one night (gave her some, at 3 am, I was all sleepy), without closing the lid properly. She drank most of the bottle when she woke up in the morning and I had to take her to the A&E at Worcester. Nothing happened, she was fine. I did kick myself, and I am still kicking myself for letting this happen however I learned from it. We moved ALL medication and such out of their reach now, and I feel better for it. (Again FYI overdose of ibuprophen is not nearly as dangerous as overdose of paracetamol)

TurkishDeelite · 29/01/2008 17:05

Sorry- I did not read all of this in time so my reply has been a bit untimely. I think you "suspending" her, and not communicating with her straightaway has been a big mistake. She has obviously felt you did not find her worthy enough to have a decent chat with her when this happened, completely ignoring her feelings and situation, and that you don't trust her. I think you have burned down the bridge and best to move on- your nanny will probably will never feel the same towards your family...

Pennies · 29/01/2008 17:05

TDWP - I think her reaction has spoken volumes. You need someone who is responsible and accountable to look after your children and she's proven by storming out that she's neither.

Horid situation and I hope you are able to find someone else soon.

NorthernLurker · 29/01/2008 17:13

I was all forgiving her another chance etc till I got to her storming out - now I'm wondering exactly how long she left your ds alone in the bath for etc etc. What a shame. Do hope you get sorted soon.

NorthernLurker · 29/01/2008 17:13

that should be 'for giving' - interesting typo though isn't it?

hunkermunker · 29/01/2008 17:36

I think, until she has her own children, she'll believe you were unreasonable to her.

Twiglett · 29/01/2008 17:38

I think being able to accept you were in the wrong, be apologetic and look for a way to improve is a huge feature of emotional maturity

and maybe your nanny is just too young for that form of maturity

frannikin · 29/01/2008 20:50

Her reaction says SO much about the situation - she may have been good with the children, and reacted well in an emergency, but ultimately if you couldn't have the conversation and feel as though you can trust her again then there's no way forward really.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/01/2008 20:55

TDWP - what a shitty situation to have been in. IMO though you have acted impeccably throughout, and seem to be doing everything by the book. Your nanny was obviously too immature, probably talked about it to her mates or whaveter and got all self-righteous.

Hope everything works out ok and your new arrangements get sorted soon. What a load of stress that you don't need!