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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

No grandparents for childcare!

235 replies

torbs · 21/09/2022 12:49

Hi everyone :)

This is my first thread here.

My partner and I are hoping to start a family soon.

We are both from the South of England, but moved to the North a few years ago, where we bought our first home.

Unfortunately, both of our parents still live down south - making childcare prospects difficult!

What did those of you who didn't have parents/grandparents/family as an option for free childcare do?!

Thanks for your time and I look forward to your replies.

OP posts:
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Lavender2021 · 21/09/2022 14:45

We don't live near family and if we did we wouldn't get them to do childcare.

It's not fair on parents, they have their own lives. They have raised children and now get the time back.

Mine still work as well.

It's nice when they offer to look after my child at the weekend but it's not expected of them but it's nice for a break once in a while.

BeyondMyWits · 21/09/2022 14:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2022 14:05

@BeyondMyWits

why did you do that?

Show quote history

@LuckySantangelo35 ... just got ground down by the endless things to do, fed up of running here there and everywhere trying to please everyone, hold down a job and carve out time for me too. Something had to give, easiest option was quit work. Life was happier, bit of regret, mainly around money, but generally turned out well.

TheDogAndTrumpet · 21/09/2022 14:46

strawberriesarenot · 21/09/2022 14:42

It's true though. If you refuse to help with gcs you won't build a relationship with them and are less likely to see them when they're older and their GPs are practically strangers. Harsh, but true.

Absolute nonsense. My dcs were in paid childcare, gps never did a single day. They have an excellent relationship with their grandparents, valued by both sides.

That's not having grandparents refusing to help when it's needed though.

We don't get any help either, but there is no damage to the relationship as we never had them nearby and never expected or asked for help. Quite different I think 🤔

TheDogAndTrumpet · 21/09/2022 14:49

I think it also makes a difference if GPs live nearby, are retired, in pretty good health and also had a lot of help with childcare when their own dcs were young. I can see how that would grate if I was the child of parents like that (I'm not) who opted out of helping out at all when I needed it.

This is in response to @strawberriesarenot btw in case it looks a bit of a tangent!

ReeseWitherfork · 21/09/2022 14:50

puttingontheritz · 21/09/2022 14:39

I think this is a joke. I don't really understand though, because it's a question that might be asked by somebody really young and naive and yet that person wouldn't have the expectation because they would still have working parents. Odd question.

I suspect OP probably meant “how the hell do I afford full time childcare costs with no family helping to bring the total down?”. I am racking my brain and don’t think I know one person who doesn’t have family help in some manner. And I’m talking low wage people from where I grew up, medium income friends who I’m close to now, higher earner from university. (But this isn’t just grandparents, other family members and friends helping too.) She’s probably seen the majority of her peers have help.

You often see threads with posters saying “I’m on maternity leave and I’m due to go back to work, how the hell do I afford this?” and the general consensus is they should have thought about that before having kids. This poor girl is thinking about it and not exactly got much in the way of helpful responses.

Someone who doesn’t have kids probably doesn’t know:

  1. the government pay 20% of the bill for most people
  2. children are eligible for 30 hours/22 hours free childcare when they hit three
  3. her and her partner are legally allowed to submit a flexible working request which might shift their hours to lessen the need for childcare
  4. nurseries are generally the most expensive option
AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 21/09/2022 14:50

I mean, nothing? There is no such thing as free childcare if you don't have family willing to do it.

Neither of our sets of parents do any childcare, never babysat etc. so the only 'childcare' we've had for free in the three years of parenting so far has been four evenings where my best friend has sat in the house while kiddo sleeps so we can go out for a couple hours. That was incredibly kind of them and I'm super grateful. Other than that we pay for nursery and other than nursery we just have to care for the kid we chose to produce lol.

Testina · 21/09/2022 14:51

What a bonkers question!
If you can’t work it out for yourself, are really bright enough be having children? 🤣

puttingontheritz · 21/09/2022 14:52

TheDogAndTrumpet · 21/09/2022 14:28

It's true though. If you refuse to help with gcs you won't build a relationship with them and are less likely to see them when they're older and their GPs are practically strangers. Harsh, but true.

And anyway, the most common response to those threads is "they aren't obligated to do free childcare. They're allowed to enjoy their retirement" etc.

Also, this thread isn't about GPs choosing not to help with gcs, as op moved away from them, so it isn't as if they have an option to help even if they wanted to.

Generally though, I always say plan to pay for childcare. Even if grandparents say they want to look after the babies all the time, in reality, they might not be able to, they might not feel as energetic as they think they will and they might have forgotten how exhausting it is caring for a baby. Or they might suddenly decide they want to move to Benidorm or something. You cant guarantee help from grandparents or anyone else, so have it in mind that you may need to use paid childcare.

Show quote history

I'm sorry if you or your kids don't have a great relationship with GP, but what are you basing this on? I can see that if there is a parental expectation that GP will help out and they won't or can't perhaps the parents will be resentful and pass that on to the kids. But I think this sort of help helps the parents, but good GP are so much more than help. The relationship you build with your GP or your children's GP isn't necessarily transactional. I know not everybody is that lucky:

Raul57 · 21/09/2022 14:54

What we did is my wife worked from home up until both kids were 4 and 6 then
worked part-time ie I left for work around 5-30am took the car, return home just before 5p, picked up my wife and kids, dropped my wife off at work for a 5-30 start, picked her up at 11 and went to bed around midnight Mon to Friday for several years until kids were older

puttingontheritz · 21/09/2022 14:57

ReeseWitherfork · 21/09/2022 14:50

I suspect OP probably meant “how the hell do I afford full time childcare costs with no family helping to bring the total down?”. I am racking my brain and don’t think I know one person who doesn’t have family help in some manner. And I’m talking low wage people from where I grew up, medium income friends who I’m close to now, higher earner from university. (But this isn’t just grandparents, other family members and friends helping too.) She’s probably seen the majority of her peers have help.

You often see threads with posters saying “I’m on maternity leave and I’m due to go back to work, how the hell do I afford this?” and the general consensus is they should have thought about that before having kids. This poor girl is thinking about it and not exactly got much in the way of helpful responses.

Someone who doesn’t have kids probably doesn’t know:

  1. the government pay 20% of the bill for most people
  2. children are eligible for 30 hours/22 hours free childcare when they hit three
  3. her and her partner are legally allowed to submit a flexible working request which might shift their hours to lessen the need for childcare
  4. nurseries are generally the most expensive option
Show quote history

I don't think so. The original message was not so badly written as to give the impression that they OP has never heard of nurseries/babysitters/childminders. I know lots of people who don't have help. It just depends on the circles you move in. If you have moved a lot, you often make friends with people who have moved a lot.

strawberriesarenot · 21/09/2022 14:57

Re. nights out. A group of parents, about 6 of us, made a baby sitting club, where we did evenings for each other on a very informal rota. It was much better than nothing.

TheDogAndTrumpet · 21/09/2022 14:57

puttingontheritz · 21/09/2022 14:52

I'm sorry if you or your kids don't have a great relationship with GP, but what are you basing this on? I can see that if there is a parental expectation that GP will help out and they won't or can't perhaps the parents will be resentful and pass that on to the kids. But I think this sort of help helps the parents, but good GP are so much more than help. The relationship you build with your GP or your children's GP isn't necessarily transactional. I know not everybody is that lucky:

Show quote history

Hmmmm I think I've already said this scenario isn't about me. We don't have help but that's due to death (which I don't think I can really blame my mum for) and distance.

But you're right of course. My dcs don't have the strongest of relationships with a woman they've never met (as she was dead before they were even conceived). So thank you for your sympathies there. You're clearly a very sweet person, bless.

As I've already said, I can just empathise with other people and in some of the threads another pp was jeering at, I (ALTHOUGH I AM NOT IN THE SAME BOAT MYSELF), can see why some people say it will come back to bite gps who by choice do not help when it's needed. In some cases. So, I'm not sure why that pp took a swipe at those threads. You don't have to be the same as someone to be able to understand their position.

I hope that's clear enough now 🙂

Bordesleyhills · 21/09/2022 14:59

SAMH taking a £40k pay cut, do have some earnings from family business and I help in husbands. Little one does get some funding whilst 3 but otherwise if I was working full time my teaching salary would go in congestion charge, fuel and nursery

popandchoc · 21/09/2022 15:03

My parents only ever do childcare when a child is sick and i need to go in office or for a night out maybe once a month. Rest of the time i paid for childminder.

Shav73 · 21/09/2022 15:03

I don't understand the hostility to the OP's post. Of course, just a potential future grandparent here, lol. And I'll be gutted if my kids don't ask me to look after the little ones one day, hell if I can't spare a day or two a week, what is family for exactly?!? Guess it depends on the dynamic & distances involved. Can't wait personally.

loislovesstewie · 21/09/2022 15:03

We had no help as both my parents died before we were able to have children and my in-laws lived too far away. I know lots of people in this situation.

sjxoxo · 21/09/2022 15:04

No offence but it’s obvious from your thread title you are new to mumsnet 😂

hope you’ve got a thick skin op! xo

user68901 · 21/09/2022 15:04

I’m pretty sure the OP wasn’t talking about daycare for working parents. Never a good idea to use grandparents anyway as this can muddy the expectations on both sides (although some people obviously do have this arrangement and it must work) .
i think for occasional nights out and emergencies I know some friends and nct groups set up a round robin style babysitting club which is great for free nights. Also check with your neighbours if they have children of babysitting age. It’s quite handy if their parents live nearby and easy to get them home after .

Zilla1 · 21/09/2022 15:06

HNRTT but to try and be helpful possibly stagger start finish times if two parents work to help with cover. Similarly stagger annual leave. Good luck.

Northbynorthbreast · 21/09/2022 15:09

well we … Did it ourselves.
then had the odd babysitting night that we paid for

then nursery and did daytime dates.

NancyDrooo · 21/09/2022 15:10

Gave up work for a few years and sucked up the skintness.

user68901 · 21/09/2022 15:10

Also don’t forget to check out the childcare voucher scheme through work. This works like salary sacrifice but has to be spent on childcare. Any employer should be able to set this scheme up. And if you both work you can both salary sacrifice. Any saving for big child care costs is worth if if you can get it.

Clymene · 21/09/2022 15:13

Paid for childcare from when they were 9 months old. Nursery then childminder.

Deguster · 21/09/2022 15:15

Built them a bungalow down the end of the garden. Birthed cute baby. Couldn’t keep the buggers away. 😁

sanityisamyth · 21/09/2022 15:15

user68901 · 21/09/2022 15:10

Also don’t forget to check out the childcare voucher scheme through work. This works like salary sacrifice but has to be spent on childcare. Any employer should be able to set this scheme up. And if you both work you can both salary sacrifice. Any saving for big child care costs is worth if if you can get it.

You can't do this and claim working tax credits (or something similar). I did this without knowing and got a demand to pay £5k, even though I'd only saved £500 through the childcare vouchers.