Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

[BananaShrimp]

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

I think it's bloody brilliant you are working on your career and don't listen to your mother.

Some women (not all women) whose lives revolved around their children feel a bit bitter and regret they didn't establish a career for themselves.

I wouldn’t be sending my child to her anymore anyway. A 4 yo doesn’t come out with that statement on their own so she is feeding him her thoughts on the matter. You need to find another way which might well mean you have to postpone the training until he starts school.

I am of course assuming you do engage with him when he’s not at nursery/with your mum.

"Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody"

Sounds like your disgrace of a mother is coaching your son and trying to turn him against you. Don't be niaive or think she wouldn't do this. Quite frankly she sounds abusive. I would seriously think about cutting her off (and I don't say that lightly), or at least drastically cut down your interactions. There's too much at stake here.

I appreciate money is an issue but you'll have to come up with something else. She has no right to speak to you this way and will damage your relationship with your son.

What a difficult situation.
I work full time and have since DS was 9months and we've never had an issues. I'm still very much his parent.

Do you think she is jealous that you're getting to develop a career?

"Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody" Sounds like your disgrace of a mother is coaching your son and trying to turn him against you

I agree. She's being abusive.

don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. So your mum is feeding your son this bollocks too is she? Your poor son! Poor you too. That's quite shocking.

Congratulations on working on your employability, that all sounds great. But you and your DH are going to have sit down and work out alternative childcare arrangements ebcause you can't keep on using your mum. Her behaviour has now ruled her out.

Best of luck working something out!

In your shoes I would stop having her over. Could you work whilst he is at nursery and then again in the evening?

I engage with him from 7-9am while we have breakfast and get ready. Also from 3-8pm in between cooking dinner and doing housework. And on weekends.

DH doesn’t engage with him in the morning, he gets ready and goes straight to work, and he doesn’t get home till 6.30. Nobody is telling him he’s a disgrace. I’m so angry and upset.

I was planning for my mum to collect DS from school and keep him 3-6pm until I finish work, which is roughly equivalent to the 3hrs a day she currently has him. But this criticism will obviously continue.

She’s angry because I don’t want to be a full time mother and she’s treated me nasty like this ever since I gave birth. When I had PND and struggled with birth injuries she was angry because she said I was ungrateful and selfish. She yelled at me “you’re not normal, why can’t you just be happy like a normal mother”. She regularly calls me selfish because I go out occasionally and get a babysitter. So this isn’t new behaviour. I haven’t told her to fuck off earlier because I have no other support.

Instead of working in the afternoon, could you work in the evening once DH is home. Plus at the weekend when he can look after DS.

Are his parents in a position to help?

Could DH take AL so you can work?

I really don't think using your mother is a long term solution as she is going to cause far more damage to your son then you are!

Your mother is a fucking disgrace, has she always been like this with you? In your shoes I’d work in the evenings when ur dh is home and have mother do one.

Your mother is an absolute horror. Is working evenings an option? You can’t leave your DS with her, she’s filling his head with her spiteful nonsense.

Was your mother born in the dark ages?

Honestly, you are taking a responsible and professional decision. Your child will be at school in September and will benefit from having a happy, motivated mum, as well as a financially secure one. And will grow up understanding that men and women are equally able to provide for their family.

Ignore your mother's comments. Her ignorance and ill manners are astounding.

There's only one person who is a disgrace here and it's not you.

Now you are a mother yourself, can you ever imagine speaking to/treating your own child this way?

She's abusive and she thinks she can get away with it because you rely on her for childcare. But her toxicity is already seeping through to your child.

Is there any way your partner can take a temporary break from work while you finish your courses? Taking all his annual leave, a brief portion of unpaid leave, working different hours? Does your course have to be done during those hours? Could you do it after he is in bed and at weekends? Can you speak to the course providers?

You can't have your dc looked after by your mother anymore. There is no way he's come up with the line that there will be "no one to look after him if she goes" by himself - she has put that idea to him. Shes not a healthy person to have in your sons life.

So you need to see if the unpaid work is possible for you, how much benefit do you get from it vs a paid job? Or can you do the work in the evenings? Unpaid internships are very dodgy and many companies do try to make you feel you need to do them for experience, whereas good employers offer paid internships or training schemes for return to work people. If its really important for you to do, I would let them know you can't do the internship until September.

Long term, your mum having your ds every afternoon between now and September is probably going to cause more problems to your family than you delaying starting your new career in November rather than September.

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day.

Also if you can be flexible with it then working evenings is tough but doable. I was self-employed for the first couple of years of DD's life and I mostly did that work in the evenings and weekends. The short-term difficulty, for me, would far outweigh the long-term implications of having that odious woman involved with your child.

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day

So you have two people in your life who think your wants and needs don't deserve to get off the floor?

Does the primary school have an after school club? My ds went from 3.30-6pm from the age of four and loved it. As an only child he discovered a little tribe of playmates.

And your child will be away from your mother's poisonous tongue.

Good luck with your job 🙂

But surely he gets free time after your son is in bed, which must be by 8pmish? And it's a short-term situation that he might just have to suck up. My DH managed to work a full day and then put DD to bed when I had to work evenings, and it's something that will benefit the whole family so short-term pain for long-term gain.

The DH has to decide whats prepared to give. Either he continues to solely fund the family until say, Christmas so you can delay the internship until September, or pay for childcare, or suck up a few months of not having time with you in the evenings.

Serious chat time. Is your dh only really supportive of you retraining because its not effecting his life at all and expects you to bring in good money in September with no "pain" before then?

Your mum looking after DS is bad for him. So that has to stop.

The irony of her criticising your parenting the way she is speaking to her own child. Good lord.

well done OP on taking pro active steps to improve your and your child’s life. You are doing great.

Also have you discuss how your dhs life will change in September if you start working full time? That hes going to have to step up and do more round the house and yes, will have to solo parent some times?

Bare in mind your mum is not someone suitable to do wrap around childcare in September (and you might have staggered start in September so October might be better for starting new job!). Your DH might need to do some of thr drop offs/pick ups from childcare.

Well if your DH gets angry like that instead of trying to help you, then he's not much better than your mother, is he? The pair of them just want you to be a housewife.

He agreed with you that you need to do the training to get back in the workplace, yet he isn't prepared to lift a finger to help you achieve that? Not nice.

No his parents aren’t in a position to help. His dad is dead and his mum works long hours in a senior role. My mum regularly says his mum is a disgrace as a gran because she works and only sees DS maybe every other weekend.

It’s not a dodgy unpaid internship. I approached them (and several others) asking to do a bit of work for free in exchange for a reference. I spend maybe 10 hours a week but someone with more experience could probably do that work in 2-3 hours. I’m grateful for their feedback and for the reference I’ll get.

None of the choices available to you rught now are fantastic, so you’re going to have to make a tricky choice. It seems to me your options are:

1. Continue as you are, with your nasty mum doing huge amounts of unpaid childcare and resenting you for it and coaching your child against you, or


2. Move your work and study to the evenings, getting much less sleep and meaning DH has to step up and do more, or


3. Stop using your mum for childcare, postpone all of your unpaid internship and study, until September which is only really a small delay.

I would do option 3, but it’s your decision…