Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

[BananaShrimp]

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

This.

But you aren't a single parent.
You should not have to take all the sick days.
That's not how partnerships work.

For the programming course that you are going to do - are they going to help you find jobs after? Could you do an apprenticeship instead (where they pay you while you study - though maybe not a large salary)?

Id like to hear your mums side of the story.

Oh wow so your mums horrible and your husband is also a massive dick.

what the fuck

my job is lower paid than my husbands - it’s not less important

if my daughter is sick we take turns looking after her when she can’t attend nursery. it’s only fair.

honestly your problems go way deeper than just your mum unfortunately. You should be able to do your work in the evening .

im doing a course myself at the moment and working full time with a 1 year old - I work all day then take her home hand her to my husband 2 evenings a week (who also has been at work all day) and go off to my room to get through my course while he does her dinner bath and bed !

it’s tough going but we are a team.

You need three hours childcare why not put him in front of tv for a bit . Then finish when he goes to bed . I would have waited until he started school until I did the course .
maybe your mum doesn’t want to be tied up every day.

Your mother is toxic and needs to be spending far less time anywhere near your child.

your husband is a shitty father.

handing your child to the father so the father can do bedtime is not a major ask. He is a prick to say it is. And getting angry at the idea of parenting is unacceptable. How emotionally unstable to get angry at having to parent!

so the idea above is your only solution. Keep the child away from your mother and the child's father parents for an hour until bedtime. Fuck sake. Its one hour!

Good programmers can easily make more than your husband is earning within a few years. Just because he got a head start on his career does it mean that yours should always take a backseat. You do have to consider both your short-term family finances and the long-term family finances so he can’t scuttle his career but his job can’t always come first. This is how women end up stuck in low paying jobs. Men convince them they must play second fiddle and always be in charge of the children, even if they work. Women have high ranking jobs, even jobs where people’s lives are on the line, and still manage to balance work and child care. Men can do the same.

No it’s just courses to learn skills. I approached web companies who were advertising for junior programmers. Told them I’m not applying because I don’t have the skills yet but I want to know what to learn to maybe be able to apply for jobs like that in a year’s time. What skills would I need for them to consider me? Then I made a plan to learn those skills while working at home.

I did look at apprenticeships but they wanted full time hours and were paying half of minimum wage. I need to earn at least minimum wage to cover my expenses. Also they seemed to want 18yo school leavers, not middle aged women.

Agree with PP your mum was out of line for saying that, but I also think you're getting a bloody lot of free childcare off her and perhaps there's some resentment building up.

What you're doing it great, but you're pouring into it like an unpaid full time job whilst you still only have 15 hours of childcare. I'm also a bit suspicious of this company getting free work out of you, I can't see how you can claim that as an internship on your CV. What if a future employer asks what the pay was? Will you be willing to lie to them that it was a paid position?

Another thing is.. you're not a single parent, so a future employer will expect your DH to also have time off when your DS is ill, not just you every time. Even employers of single parents expect them to get childcare to cover when their children are ill rather than having time off.

@FabulousKilljoys uou ate under no obligation to tell anyone what your old job paid

How will a future employer know I have a DH? Or even that I have a child? It’s not something they’re allowed to ask. And if there’s services that offer ad hoc childcare for sick children of single parents then surely I could access that service too, so nobody has to stay off work.

I'm also a bit suspicious of this company getting free work out of you, I can't see how you can claim that as an internship on your CV. What if a future employer asks what the pay was?
Pay is between me and my previous employer. They can’t ask and I don’t have to discuss. An internship is where you work for a company for low pay (or a few years ago it would be no pay) in exchange for experience. Which is exactly what this arrangement is. And they aren’t getting free work out of me really, I’m doing some tasks which they usually have to re-do because I’m shit.

Just create a portfolio on github, to be honest the reference won't make any odds to a future job application.

@BananaShrimp - feel free to PM me. I did a career change in early 30s with 2 kids - to IT/software. DH was v supportive and is in software too - so it helped massively. I am learning some new skills as I want to move into cloud/web side of software. I have found udemy pretty good - I paid about £13 per course (never pay full price for them as they always do discounts) - and follow it (just copy what they do).

What jobs are available will partly depend on your location. Look on jobs websites. Get on linked in and search for junior dev jobs to get a feel for the requirements. Then do a udemy course - this is fairly cheap and you can cover some basics. You can try adapting the projects you do in the course into some portfolio work that you could show employers.

Python is a language where there is a lot of help online (so you can google a lot of problems). For web stuff JavaScript is used a lot. React is a popular library (set of commands and way of programming) that you can use with JavaScript for web work. It is always hard starting out - I had to google every 2nd line (or ask DH) when I started, but it definitely gets easier over time - you need persistence and to keep going.

Oh dear - ad hoc childcare for a sick child is an emergency nanny. In my area this is charged at £18-20 per hour, plus usually a £30 fee to the agency. Or its unpaid leave.

Honestly, big chat time with your dh. Does he think being a good father and husband is just paying for things ? What support is he prepared to offer, given you dont want to be a full time SAHM. If you are made to stay at home to support his career, what long term plans does he have for your pension? What plans does he have to make sure you dont fear him running off with another woman (as he doesn't value you or particularly care if you are happy) leaving you in a poor financial position?

Time to talk carefully about this and listen. Does he like you enough to want you to be secure and happy? Or is he so selfish he doesn't care if you are happy or not?

That statement that you didn't want to waste another year, effectively proves your mum right. You see raising your child as a waste of your time.

Many parents study and work/run the home. They make sacrifices. You don't seem to be making any sacrifices beyond sacrificing your time with your child. You're not even willing to sacrifice some of your evening time with your adult husband!

It's clear that this studying and "internship" is solely about your wishes/needs. It's not to do with what's best for your family unit, child or husband. It's all about you.

Your mum has valid points. Her delivery is not ideal. But overall its your child who so obviously just wants a bit of your attention where you're not doing the housework etc and just squeezing him in between it all.

Sadly, in time to come, you may well realise that you were so lucky to have had the opportunity of this time with your child and have wasted it.

You're unlikely to suddenly walk into a programming job with this volunteering internship as you're trying to present it. And I imagine that for you to have any chance of success, it will come at further sacrifices by your son.

Your mother and your DH sounds horrible and toxic. I'd get rid of both. And have you posted about this before? The story sounds really familiar.

I've noticed since I had my first that a lot of other mother's take it personally that if you don't do exactly as they do/did. So if you work that you are looking down at them/shaming them without saying a word for staying home. And if you're a SAHM you must judge them for working (I've been accused of both and honestly I don't give two shits what people do). My MIL used to say I was being selfish and spoiling baby by breastfeeding for so long, simply because she didn't. Once a lady had a go at me at baby group because I told another mother that her baby might be super smart because he wasn't sleeping. So by saying that I must be calling her great sleeper stupid .
So basically I'm saying your mum is probably justifying how she raised you by bringing you down a peg. Ignore her, you're doing great.

If you started a business offering your coding skills on a self employed basis perhaps you would be eligible for the 30 hours then, according to the gov guidance ?

And if there’s services that offer ad hoc childcare for sick children of single parents then surely I could access that service too, so nobody has to stay off work.

People don't tend to use ad hoc childcare for sick children. The cost itself is usually prohibitive.
They tend to share it between themselves. In all honesty, not only is that how it should be but it's the only way most of us could manage.

I find men who refuse to do their fair share of parenting deeply unattractive.

No, an employer isn't supposed to ask if you have DH, DC etc, but they're completely within their rights to ask if you have any responsibilities that could interfere with your attendance at work. And ad hoc childcare for a poorly child costs a fortune, so as far as I can see your DH needs to step up more, and you need to rely on your mum less going forward.

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day

So in order to placate DH and enable him to opt out of childcare you get your Mum to do 3hrs/day. I think you're taking advantage of her tbh & she's probably fed up doing every day.

You said up thread you do 10 hrs/week. But you seem to be busy all day every day?

I can't see why you need to do such long hours if it's volunteering. Have a couple of afternoons off & spend time with DS. It's such a nice age & he's going to be FT in school soon.

Hi @BananaShrimp I've only read your posts but I'm shocked with your husband being head of department & making you ineligible for course funding you can't afford a few more more hours at nursery. Can you not afford it or does he not want to pay for it?

Choice Mummy has it right - your Mum is carrying the load. I Hope you do see how toxic the whole situation with your 'd'h is fir your own sake as well as your Sons.