Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

[BananaShrimp]

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

What about doing 1.5 hours while your DS watches tv and 1.5 hours in the evening?

Your mother needs to be kept away from your son or she’s going to destroy your relationship. Your mum has some sort of personality disorder and wants control over you and all your relationships. She’s very very abusive.

She’s the type of mother who most daughters would have very low contact with. My mum is an absolute pain too (although she’s not evil like your mum) and when she moved away I realised how toxic her presence was. I still very much felt abandoned and lost without the childcare but I think ultimately I’m happier with her at a distance.

Eh?

childcare costs money
OP is not currently earning money so can’t afford to pay for childcare

soon, op will have a job
that job will pay her money
she will use some of that money to pay for childcare

If I got a job now it would be a min wage customer service assistant which is what I did before I got pregnant. That doesn’t pay enough to cover childcare. I’m retraining in the hope of being a computer programmer which will pay more and then I can afford childcare. Plus my child will be in school so I’ll need less childcare anyway.

The problem is I need to complete the unpaid training courses to get that programming job. And I can’t afford childcare while I’m doing unpaid training courses. When I’ve completed the training and have some skills, then I’ll be able to get a paid job (more than min wage) and afford childcare.

That doesn't make sense. Get a job now or get a job later, its the same either way. You've said your not working now because you can't afford it. So what makes you think you'll afford it later

Because her child will be in full time education from September so the childcare burden will be less and OP will be earning money which she isn't now.

Assuming like lots of people OP gave up work in the early years before any of the funded hours kick in because financially you are worse off working. Suddenly working becomes affordable again once they reach school age.

Your mum isn't supportive so I would think of a new plan. Perhaps study/volunteer when child starts school?

And when they start school and study finished I would pay for after school care rather than mum as she is unkind to you about working.

Hang on, a lot of online IT courses most definitely are worthwhile! @@BananaShrimp whatever you do, don't give up. You're doing all the right things and there are nice companies out there who will take on someone returning to work.

Call me an old cynic but given your dh and dm have always been selfish by the sounds of it, I'd say this latest tantrum is about her feeling unappreciated and I'd tell her and show her you appreciate her whilst making it clear is isn't okay to bad mouth you to your child.

And then i'd get my head down and get on with getting myself a good, interesting job.

I don’t know of any funded courses that I can study flexibly from home? Lots of free courses require you to have a low household income, so my DH’s salary makes me ineligible. Or they require you to be “recently unemployed” which usually means six months or so, so I’m not eligible on that count either. Also I’d be restricted to whatever was available rather than being able to choose and pay for the ones I think are commercially relevant and likely to lead to a job.

This! Your DM is doing you and your DC damage with these awful comments. Your DH needs to recognise that this is temporary and you need some support or some concessions from him to get your career back online.
I second what people say about the unpaid work from the Web company.. is there any chance they could pay you something ( so you can put it towards even a few hours childcare?)
Can you check if you are entitled to any childcare vouchers with a new employer? or maybe the web company or if you can claim any childcare benefits?
Please don't give up your chance to return to work.

Could you do more at the weekend?
I can sort of see why DH might not want to be sole carer as soon as he gets in from work ( although I know this is what many parents especially DMs do on a daily basis) but would he be more amenable to doing a few hours at the weekend and either take DC out or you go somewhere else to study/do your work ?

Assuming like lots of people OP gave up work in the early years before any of the funded hours kick in because financially you are worse off working. Suddenly working becomes affordable again once they reach school age.
Yes. Also I’m retraining and hoping to get a better job than I had previously. My plan was to do the training and get up to speed to be able to apply for jobs by the time DS starts school in September. I suppose I could have waited until September to start training but I didn’t want to waste another year.

When you are working in the afternoon can you be interrupted? If so could you do an hour in the evening when your husband is home? Plus an hour or two whilst your child watches tv/plays CBeebies games? Or teach your monster to read?

Are you allowed to do the work in a weekend? 6-11am Saturday and Sunday is 10 hours completed and you still have most of the day free. Or 6-11am Saturday plus one hour each week day. I have always worked full time, senior role blah blah - I still do my fair share at home. My husband isn’t my personal skivvy. Plus the higher you are at work the more flexible it is in my experience.

The only person who is a disgrace is your mother!

Seems like she needs to validate her existence and her life choices by pushing her view point onto you! Your not a disgrace your setting a good example for your child that you should do things which make you happy and give you a challenge.

I work full time and I wouldn't change it I make sure my hours are flexible and I start early and finish early.
Speak to your partner see if there is money for childcare from his wage for after school club or childminder a few days then he does a few evenings. He's a parent as well and whilst not every evening he should support you like any partnership.

I second what people say about the unpaid work from the Web company.. is there any chance they could pay you something ( so you can put it towards even a few hours childcare?)
No. I’m not of any value to them. Much of what I do has to be re-done properly by one of their employees. Or it’s a fake “practice” task that they’ve created for me to have a go at. If anything they’re putting themselves out and doing me a favour by letting me do some tasks for them and giving me feedback and a reference.

Clearly your mum isn't suitable for childcare, for whatever reason. To be fair, it does sound like she does a lot, but that does not excuse her words. You DH clearly isn't supportive at all, don't fool yourself that he is. It's not easy but I would be getting up an hour earlier than everyone else and then aiming to do another few hours in the evening. I'm sure your DH can managed a few bedtimes a week.

How long will your course take?

Your husband may be at work all day but so are you. You are studying and then looking after your child until bedtime. He should be taking over for some of the time at night.

As for your mother. Well...she is saying things to your child. That's not nice and certainly not the behaviour of a loving grandmother.

Good luck with your course.

There's no way your son came out with that by himself
Your mother is dripping poison in his ear and if you don't put a stop to it she will cause him a great deal of distress.

What you are getting from her is not support. It's abuse. Of both you and from the sounds of it, your son. That's why he's coming out with such awful things.

Just to play Devil’s advocate here… if your DH isn’t prepared to take his share of time off with your son if he is unwell etc once you are working, how long will you be able to retain the higher-paid jobs that you are looking at? He needs to understand that his job will not be more important than yours!

I admire your career plans, OP, and it's clear that you're doing important things to improve your future. Well done. Be really proud of yourself.

You can't let your mother keep doing childcare, you really can't. Even a few more months is a bad idea. She's being an unimaginative, cruel, and jealous dickhead. That would be bad enough, if manageable. But she's also putting horrible thoughts into your son's head, which is unforgivable. It's too bad she made her entire life revolve around her kids -- and then treated her kids like shit.

Your husband is going to have to sacrifice some too. At a bare fucking minimum, he needs to be one-on-one with his son either Saturday or Sunday for at least three hours. And he also needs to do without your company a few evenings a week. That should buy back the time your mother is doing childcare. It might also give him some perspective on what actually goes into raising a child.

You are not the default parent. You are both parents. His needs are not more important than yours. You are equal partners. His job may well leave little flexibility between 8 am and 6.30 pm. Fine. But from 6.30 pm to 8 am, he needs to be flexible. Again: his wants don't trump yours.

Finally, again: please be proud of yourself. You're doing something difficult and hard, for a future that's better for both you and for your family. Don't feel guilty or torn, not for one second.

And I'm sorry your mom's a dick. That can't be easy. For the record: it's also not your fault.

When I say “higher paid” I mean perhaps £12 per hour rather than £9.50 min wage. That’s still a relatively low level job. DH earns double that, so his job is still more important. We could live on his salary without my job - we couldn’t live on my salary without his.

Very few employers will be happy for you to be the only one taking time off to deal with a sick child though - if you are returning to work, then your DH will need to do more.

Very few employers will be happy for you to be the only one taking time off to deal with a sick child though
How do single parents work then?

Are you going to come out of this with a job that you can do between school hours and term time only as with a useless husband and an abusive mother you’re kind of on your own in the child rearing sense for a good few years. You’ll get no help during the long holidays etc.

Do you have unrestricted access to the household income?

You aren’t a single parent? If you were then there clearly isn’t another option, but as you are not a single parent then your DH needs to do his share of parenting.