Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

[BananaShrimp]

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

OP you r doing brilliantly. Dont let anyone tell u otherwise. Ur mum is wrong and from a different era. Just eye roll and ignore for a few months, and take if for the crap that it is. Ur little one will be very proud when he is older when u can afford to give him a start in life xx

Are you Uk based as you have 30 hours free. Studying with a youngster is impossible in the day - could you extend the hours at nursery for your little one. Reality is many parents have to work- I stopped 12 months ago but wow I got guilt tripped by my mother that I was working. She’s calmer now as I have my son in nursery for 2 mornings a week and I quote its not a horrible nursery ( where she got that from is anyone’s guess) nursery is so important for their development too.

@BananaShrimp have you considered changing to full time study? That way you get longer childcare paid for and more funding without having to rely on your mum for childcare.

Full of admiration for you doing this.
Sadly, have you realised that your DH will still expect you to do everything even when you are working FT, as 'you don't HAVE to work'?
Sigh.
We've got another one here.

Your mum sounds like an absolute cock. Agree with others - go it alone whatever you have to do, and I wish you every success. Whatever success looks like to YOU.

Your husband also sounds like a bit of a dick tbf.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. So your mother thinks that every parent that works is bad?

I think your mum is not very nice, but since you need her to look after your dc, I would just bite my tongue and tolerate for the time being.
Don't worry about what your dc says, your mum is putting the words into his mouth.
And once you start earning, don't take the free childcare even it's tempting, just get proper paid child care.

If I was you I’d not get your mum to do childcare any more. I’ve a child the same age as yours. Netflix and a few fruit snacks keeps him busy for a few hours. You could do that. You can also continue studying when he’s gone to bed and at the weekends. It’s hard but it’s what you have to do. I’m doing a part time masters at the moment. I’ve two young kids, work a senior and stressful full time job, as does my husband. I study late in to the night and at weekends. It’s not forever. A bigger problem is your husband however. If he’s not willing to step up to the plate in an equal partnership role or see your job as small fry and an optional extra, you’ve got big issues. Best of luck. You’re doing your best.

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day.

And? It's not forever.

You have a mother and a husband problem.
It is normal to want to work and sometimes you have to pick up some extra responsibilities to support your partner. It's how relationships work.

Have you done enough work with any of your internship clients that they might take you on - even at minimum wage - so that you earn enough to claim the 30hrs childcare? Although I guess if your ds is jn school from Sept then you are probably too late to claim.

I think you have to talk to your dh. He cannot simply wash his hands of any responsibility.

Working to have reason to spend time away from him when your family doesn’t need two incomes to function isn’t great.

Excuse me?

What a shitty comment.

This also does your DS not get 30 free hours for nursery at this age?

Sounds great to be retraining, although look at the funded tech courses- there are lots of them then you don't have to pay
.

Your OH needs to step up and support you in the evenings. It's only short term. He might not need you to work but you need to work. Childcare is not only your responsibility. I would drastically reduce contact with your mum.

You are doing brilliantly.

Your mother is a nasty poisonous toad who ideally shouldn't have any contact with her grandchild as she is clearly dripfeeding poison to him telling him that she loves him more than you do.

Could you link up with another mum to do a mutual childcare exchange arrangement to give yourself some childfree time (and the same amount of time with your child plus another child) without involving your mother?

Good luck with your studies. You are going to be fine in the long run.

Are you a volunteer or are you an intern? Are you aware that unpaid internships are illegal as everyone who works has to be paid minimum wage? If you are a volunteer then it's ok - but then you are not an intern.

It sounds like you're being treated badly all round.

30 hours is for working parents only. 15 hours is universal, regardless of situation.

You only get 30 hours free childcare if you’re earning min wage for at least 16 hours a week or claiming certain benefits. You’re not eligible if you’re studying or doing an unpaid internship. If you’re doing a 3 year undergraduate degree you can claim a childcare grant but other types of education aren’t eligible. So even if I went and did a masters I wouldn’t be eligible, and the professional skills courses I’m doing aren’t eligible either.

Finding spending time with your ds boring, and it making you unhappy is not normal

its completely normal to find it boring at times. I think it’s not normal to enjoy every single second.

So what makes you think you'll be able to afford childcare later if you can't afford it now though

Technically I’m a volunteer. They send me a few little tasks and I do them - very slowly because I’m just learning. Then I can claim I’ve had a programming job and get a reference. But I would put Intern on my CV and I’d tell interviewers I was an intern. I don’t think I’d get a job if I had no experience at all.

Because I’ll be earning money later and I’m not earning a single penny now?

That doesn't make sense. Get a job now or get a job later, its the same either way. You've said your not working now because you can't afford it. So what makes you think you'll afford it later!

A funded course would have also been a better option aswel rather than spending money on online courses that are rarely worth the paper they are written on, with money you say you don't have.