Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

[BananaShrimp]

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

Does she look after him every day for those afternoon hours? I agree with pp saying to do it in the evening and weekends. Many of us on here work our normal jobs then study in the evenings. It's not forever.

I think you need to change your studying so you do it whilst your son is at nursery then an hour or so on an evening. Surely your husband can suck it up for a year? You need to cut your mum out.

Also have you discuss how your dhs life will change in September if you start working full time?
He’s basically said he’s out every day till 6.30 and not able to change that because he earns our main (currently only) secure income. So it’s up to me how I juggle work and child during the day. If I complain he just says well you don’t have to work at all because we don’t need the money, if you can’t manage child and work then don’t work.

Your DH is not really in partnership with you here is he.

Can dc fo to nursery for a bit longer?

it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night

Sounds like the majority of my evenings after work. It hadn't occurred to me someone else should be doing it for me?

Surely the point of online courses is that they are a bit more flexible? Couldn't you do bath/ bedtime/ evening meal together in the evenings 3 - 4 days a week and you work/ study the others.

You do your studying during presumably the 15 hours a week nursery hours, and whatever you can squeeze in evenings and weekends.

Its short term. He has to step up it can't all be on you.

Plus my 4 year old would be able to be kept busy with only occasional interventions from me for a few hours after nursery, possibly with some interruptions every now and then for snacks etc but I reckon you could squeeze another couple of piecemeal hours in some afternoons while they draw/ watch cartoons/ play with toys?

You could freelance once you’ve finished your courses and got more experience. That might help you to juggle work and school runs etc until you have more earning power for childcare and can get more independence from both your mother and husband who are both incredibly unsupportive.

I'd also like to say bloody well done to you and don't let the bastards grind you down.

Oh OP, you don't just have a mother problem, your dh is a shitty one.

He isn't supportive. He is using the fact you dont work to opt out of all the shit bits of family life. He is the sort that would not react well to you earning the same or more than him.

If its not going to work to study this year, then leave it until September. Id also say he doesn't get to expect you to pay some of your wages into covering family bills if hes going to assume all childcare stress is down to you. Has he assumed you will cover sick days from school? Will he still expect no change is his lifestyle?

Oh god - do not give up your course and do not have any more children with him.

Can dc fo to nursery for a bit longer?
Not without paying money I haven’t got.

Your DH is not really in partnership with you here is he
I do agree that we can’t jeopardise the reliable job that pays the bills. He’s out till 6.30 and that’s that. No he can’t cover any sick days, he’s the head of department and not able to take days off. He struggles to even take his holidays, often his employer pays him for his holidays because there’s no gap in his schedule to actually take them.

Plus my 4 year old would be able to be kept busy with only occasional interventions from me for a few hours after nursery
This is one of the things my mum is complaining about. Because when she’s unavailable I let DS watch telly or play by himself so I can work. Instead of stopping work and playing with him.

She’s toxic, I wouldn’t have her in sole charge of your child.

Just to play devils advocate - if that’s actually what your mum is saying then thats terrible…..But 3 hours free childcare for you every day is a HUGE amount. That blows my mind, and you’re expecting her to just continue this going forward in order to enable you to work? Maybe she’s resentful being expected to do so much? Being honest I don’t really think it’s reasonable to expect her to give up everyday to child care, so maybe you AND Dh need p com up with another plan.

Your mother’s attitude is awful. Preparing to get a better career is admirable.

however, she clearly isn’t ok with the current arrangement. You are not entitled to free child care and you are taking advantage of her. Stop asking her to watch your child. You and your husband need to solve this problem together. Either the family budget needs to be flexed to pay for child care or he needs to spend his evenings and weekends on kid duty while you work. He doesn’t get to say no to you having a career and he can’t simply absolve himself of the responsibility of caring for his child.

What does he think single parents do?

And it's not like it's forever.

You really have a BIG DH problem

he can’t cover any sick days, he’s the head of department and not able to take days off. He struggles to even take his holidays

I had this from my DP (although he was wanting me to return to FT employment). Strangely enough his head of department at the time (female) finished work on time, and took every Wednesday afternoon off to watch her DSs play football / cricket. Of course your DH can take days off, of course he could take his holidays - he just chooses not too, but that's another thread.

I think it's excellent you're re-training - you have great motivation.

I agree with others drop your Mum for childcare - she's turning your boy from you. I'd also distance myself from her in general too - she doesn't sound like she's on your side at all.

Sit down with DH and talk him through what family life with a child is like - he needs to step up. And if he doesn't want to (don't accept he can't - that's absolute tosh), then you know where you and your DS sit on his list of priorities and you'll definitively need that new career.

Don't let the bastards grind you down!

Finding spending time with your ds boring, and it making you unhappy is not normal and your son will have picked up on that.
Working to have reason to spend time away from him when your family doesn’t need two incomes to function isn’t great.
Your dm should have worded things better but she is most likely concerned for her grandson.

I'd stop your mum babysitting.
Either wait until you get more childcare free at school then carry on with your career, or tell your husband to grow up and study when your child is in bed in evening.

YABU to be using this woman for childcare. She obviously resents it and is damaging your child in the process.

Working to have reason to spend time away from him when your family doesn’t need two incomes to function isn’t great.
So you think money is the only reason a person should want to work?

By hook or by crook you need to use paid childcare.

Neither your Mum or DH are decent, kind, supportive people 🤬

How many hours does your DC get? Is it 15 OP? How many days do you study a week?

9.30am till 11 seems odd hours.

Your mother is a psychopath. I would engage with her as little as possible.

I get 15 hours free nursery which is 3hrs per day. The nursery offers 9.00-11.30 which is only 2.5hrs, but they say “drop off is 8.45-9.00 and pickup is 11.30-11.45 so that’s the extra 30 minutes”. Which seems a bit sneaky but that’s how they do it. I’m not entitled to any additional hours because I’m not in paid work or full time study.

Perhaps your mother doesn't really want to commit to so much childcare op and instead of being honest about it, tries to guilt you into doing the childcare yourself. Perhaps she has genuine concerns about yours and your son's relationship. Either way, childcare from your mother isn't really working out. Seems to me you have a few options:
Have an honest conversation...not judgemental ...about whether she really wants to do childcare (lots of grandparents bite off more than they can chew with initial offers then don't know how to backtrack/opt for less)
Get your DH to step up. (He'll have to if you start work)
Leave the study until your son is at school and do it then.
Work/study around child being in bed and your dh's hours. (Lots of parents have no choice about this as they can't afford for one parent not to work)
In any event the childcare from DM doesn't seem to be working so it's not a good idea to rely on it. In your situation I think that it could cause a family tall out with no way back. Not worth it op. Good luck with whatever you decide 😀