Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

[Kimberleysmith]

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

@BunNcheese

She chose to move there, I'm assuming he didn't hold a gun to her head. So she moved there and had a child there now it doesn't suit she just ups and takes the child away, it isn't just about what she wants.

Well that works both ways. OP choose to move to her ex and she has free will to move again if she pleases. Since having a baby changes the woman's life the most! In a lot of cases.

Bloody cheek. How many women would choose to be a single parent with a baby at 1 years old? Obviously there's been some issues here. The dad cannot have it all his own way and plenty of people do EOW.

90 minutes is not another country.

She won't mind doing all the travelling then will she, I mean a 3 hr round trip twice a week will be nothing. Doesn't cost much either does it.

She wants to move and that's the end of it.

It doesn't work like that.

If he was such a great supportive partner and parent Op would presumably still be with him.

How can you possibly know what happened in their relationship ?

Op happy mum = happy baby!

Utter nonsense.

@SausageSizzle

OP is not the father's unpaid nanny. She doesn't have to put her life on hold to facilitate his irregular shift patterns. She no longer has to support the father in his job... he can rely on his own family like she is planning to.

No problem with a 50/50 arrangement but it needs to be regular days so the OP can plan. Then she can pay for her nursery days and he can pay for his nursery days (and use them when he needs them).

They can reassess when the child starts school. It may be that one parent has got bored of doing 50/50 care by then or decided the reality doesn't work with their work patterns.

Yeah but the reality is once DS starts school 50/50 with a 90 min journey each way will not be possible, and that is probably why he is so reluctant for OP to make that particular move.

It won't just be a case of one parent maybe being bored, but that it will be impossible for the one who lives 90 mins away from the school to do a 3hr round trip to for each pick up and drop off.

I absolutely do not think OP is her ex's unpaid nanny, but they are meant to be equals in their child's life. When you have a child with someone, you can't then just totally disregard them and your child's right to regular time with them if you split up. I am sure OP would never even think of leaving her child behind with his dad while she moved 90 mins away and then only seeing him here and there. His dad surely feels the same way?

I don't think OP has to stay put at all, but 90 mins is prohibitive to the other parent having anything other than weekend contact, and presumably OP wouldn't want her ex having their child every single weekend, even if he could.

There are options and compromises available including distance, contact patterns and jointly financing any required childcare which could give both parties bits of what they want, there must be middle ground somewhere.

@BunNcheese

She chose to move there, I'm assuming he didn't hold a gun to her head. So she moved there and had a child there now it doesn't suit she just ups and takes the child away, it isn't just about what she wants.

Well that works both ways. OP choose to move to her ex and she has free will to move again if she pleases. Since having a baby changes the woman's life the most! In a lot of cases.

Bloody cheek. How many women would choose to be a single parent with a baby at 1 years old? Obviously there's been some issues here. The dad cannot have it all his own way and plenty of people do EOW.

90 minutes is not another country.

Yet no one would expect OP to make this move without her son though, so that she's the one effectively cut out of his daily life and only able to see him every other weekend.

You are right that OP has every right to move, but it isn't just herself she's moving.

@ancientgran people move for jobs all the time. OP is not obligated in any way. Posters have run away with their own narrative assuming the dad wants to do XYZ. I find it hard to believe when they have split up and there baby is only 1.

Naive at best.

To all the people saying 90 mins isn’t that long. It is to a child. Unless I coordinated drop off at my little ones lunch nap she would scream for most of that journey.

It would be shit to be the child actually doing the 50/50. A few of my dds friends did and hated it so much by about the age of 8. Luckily the parents agreed to change it

[quote BunNcheese]@ancientgran people move for jobs all the time. OP is not obligated in any way. Posters have run away with their own narrative assuming the dad wants to do XYZ. I find it hard to believe when they have split up and there baby is only 1.

Naive at best.[/quote]
But you have no idea why they have split, you are just assuming it's his fault?? Whereas I don't think anyone else has cast any aspersions or blame as we can't know whether anyone was at fault at all or if it just didn't work out.

People don't tend to move for jobs if it means they can only see their children a couple of times a month.

The dad can always go to court and argue he should be primary carer and the OP should have EOW.

Unclear how that will fit with his job and not paying for childcare but it's an option open to him.

@SausageSizzle

The dad can always go to court and argue he should be primary carer and the OP should have EOW.

Unclear how that will fit with his job and not paying for childcare but it's an option open to him.

But he doesn't even want that, he only wants 50/50, he isn't trying to take the child from OP in the way she is wanting to do to him.

Also OP has not mentioned childcare, only other posters have speculated on that. He may be willing to contribute towards any childcare needed, particularly if it meant OP wouldn't move as far. Either way though, all speculation.

Again though, I don't think OP needs to do whatever he wants and nothing she wants, but just that there are many levels of compromise available and they don't necessarily need to take it all the way to court.

But OP says they are heading to mediation so hopefully they will come up with some helpful suggestions or advice so their child can have regular time with both of them.

[quote BunNcheese]@ancientgran people move for jobs all the time. OP is not obligated in any way. Posters have run away with their own narrative assuming the dad wants to do XYZ. I find it hard to believe when they have split up and there baby is only 1.

Naive at best.[/quote]
You don't think she has an obligation to consider what is best for her child?

How lovely.

But he doesn't even want that, he only wants 50/50, he isn't trying to take the child from OP in the way she is wanting to do to him.

He can't have it both ways. If he's prepared to stop the OP moving, then he also needs to be prepared to step up as primary carer while she does EOW.

Any order a court made would apply only to the child not to the mother. So the OP would still be able to move but she couldn't take the child with her. If she chose to move, her ex would have to look after the child most of the time while she had EOW contact (like many dads do).

Essentially, a parent who wants to prevent the other parent moving but has no intention of being primary carer is in quite a weak position. There's no legal way that they can hold the other parent hostage to act as unpaid childcare for them.

Good for you moving back home to your support network, some of the things he has said to you are nasty and ignoring you etc sounds childish. Why should you stay somewhere and set down roots because of him when he treats you like that? 90 minutes is fine, it sounds like your little one will benefit from not being in such a toxic environment and around your family as well as his. You'll sort something, plenty of people do.

You don't think she has an obligation to consider what is best for her child?

Why is it better for the child to live in a household where the bloke says nasty things and ignores the mother, when they could have 2 happier households and have relationships with both sides of the family? The logistics whilst obviously important come secondary to that imo. I wonder how many people here would truly say in their exes hometown with a young child, when they could go home to their support network?

What's stopping the Dad from moving to where the Mum wants to be?

They both have free choice. But stop making mum feeling guilty for wanting to be near her family.

What's stopping the Dad from moving to where the Mum wants to be?

Work?

They both have free choice.

No they don't because the needs of the child are important.

@SausageSizzle

But he doesn't even want that, he only wants 50/50, he isn't trying to take the child from OP in the way she is wanting to do to him.

He can't have it both ways. If he's prepared to stop the OP moving, then he also needs to be prepared to step up as primary carer while she does EOW.

Any order a court made would apply only to the child not to the mother. So the OP would still be able to move but she couldn't take the child with her. If she chose to move, her ex would have to look after the child most of the time while she had EOW contact (like many dads do).

Essentially, a parent who wants to prevent the other parent moving but has no intention of being primary carer is in quite a weak position. There's no legal way that they can hold the other parent hostage to act as unpaid childcare for them.

Well yeah, maybe he would love to be primary carer - I doubt OP would want that though??

All he wants is equal time with his child - I can't understand how people think that is wrong?

@Lockdownbear

What's stopping the Dad from moving to where the Mum wants to be?

They both have free choice. But stop making mum feeling guilty for wanting to be near her family.

Well the fact that they've split up and he has a job and home where he is?? Why would he move 90 mins away just because that's his ex's preference? OP doesn't have to stay put where she is but 90 mins is a big distance when it comes to passing a child back and forward, it couldn't happen during the week.

AND even if he did follow her, OP's initial issue was that she doesn't want him to have their son 4 days a week anyway!

90mins doesn't make it impossible for the child to move between houses, less frequent but longer visits.
Maybe not ideal but it's far from ideal for mum to be isolated from her family and friends.

People are trying to guilt trip the mum into staying put but she matters too. The sooner she moves the sooner she can get on with her life. Look for work and nursery / childcare.

@Lockdownbear You are right, 90 mins doesn't make it impossible to move between houses at all - my own SCs live about 3 hours away - but it does make having anything close to 50/50 impossible once a child starts school.

OP absolutely does matter too, but she needs to engage with her ex to agree a plan that works for both of them. At the moment her plan is just she moves to where she wants and her ex accepts that he can only have his child 2 days a week, which is much less than what he's happy with and presumably why he's opposing the move.

Personally in OP's shoes, I'd agree to him having their child for his 4 days off on the condition I move back to my family and he pays half of childcare fees to allow OP to work and be flexible re his contact. Then they can revisit when school starts, but obviously OP needs to be aware that he may still not be happy with that as he will have very few options at that distance when his child starts school.

I'd take a guess if she moved and he had the kid on his 4 days off, he'd be saying oh it's 50/50 I'm not paying maintenance. Child care on your watch is your problem.

No thought or concern about a child being in nursery varying numbers of days every week, no concern about continuity of care getting to know care staff?

@Lockdownbear Yeah but this is exactly why they need to talk about it and agree beforehand. It sounds pretty acrimonious so they would need something legal drawn up so he couldn't not contribute to childcare that enables him to get what he wants.

Of course it's not ideal that their child would be in nursery different days each week, but it's not the end of the world and surely is preferable to him not seeing his own dad??

Do you really think it's fine for this little boy to only see his dad maybe once a month, if that, when his days off happen to fall on a weekend, just so his mum doesn't have to compromise on anything at all?

If you are the one that wants to move away with your child then you need to at least give some concessions to allow the other parent to still have a relationship, otherwise it absolutely stands to reason they would oppose you moving.

I would move heaven and earth to stop it if my ex decided they were moving 90 mins, taking my child who I currently live with every day, and I would only be allowed see him when I happened to have a weekend off work because ex didn't want me having him for my days off. I'd be far more likely to accept the move if my ex was open to talking about how it could work for both of us and I felt safe that I would still be able to see my son a significant amount each week.

@Lockdownbear

What's stopping the Dad from moving to where the Mum wants to be?

They both have free choice. But stop making mum feeling guilty for wanting to be near her family.

Well, maybe then he loses HIS support system...

My last post on this unless Op decides to come back.
If Dad says I'm not paying its 4 days and 4 days, 50/50, equal cost.

What should Op do?

@CornishGem1975 Exactly, loses his support system (assuming they are in his local area and not just somewhere he and OP moved together), his job, his friends, his home...just so his ex can be happier.

I can't honestly believe people would support this if it was the dad saying he was taking the child and moving so far, and wouldn't even compromise to allow the mum to still have significant contact each week.

Also presumably he was going to look after the child on his days off when OP went back to work, assuming she was going to? Why can he not still do that just because they've split up, as long as the work it so they have adequate childcare to both manage their jobs?