Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

[Kimberleysmith]

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

@Lockdownbear
Who knows whether the ex would consider moving?
It is surely worth asking. If the OP and ex move then it may enable her to be more flexible with the contact pattern.
The ex may well decide to keep the same childcare in place on some of his days off - it would enable him to catch up on sleep/jobs.

This is all about willingness to compromise, and we haven't seem enough from either side to judge who is / isn't willing here.

According to Google:

What is 50/50 physical custody?
With 50/50 physical custody, each parent spends an equal amount of time with the child.

Since this arrangement requires a lot of cooperation between parents, judges won't approve it unless they believe it will work and is in the child's best interest. The court will want to see that:

Parents can put their differences aside to work together for the benefit of their child.
Parents can communicate effectively about exchanging the child, schedules and other important matters.
Parents live near each other, the child's school or in the same general area.
Parents are emotionally and physically stable and live in safe environments.

From what I've seen online, 50/50 looks pretty unlikely in this situation.

This was also an interesting read:

www.separateddads.co.uk/what-are-chances-50-50-residence.html

@sybillalle

Too much talk about the "rights" of the father, not enough talk about what's best for the child.

A baby should not be away from its mother overnight. I believe some experts say under 4's should not be away overnight.

A baby should not be away from its mother overnight. I believe some experts say under 4's should not be away overnight

Even when with father???

@midsummabreak Why are they "living out of a suitcase"?

Mine are here 50/50 but that's not the case. They have their own rooms at each house, they have their own stuff and clothes, nothing needs to be transferred between homes. They treat each house as their home rather than "visiting" one parent.

It’s very clear the ex hasn’t thought any of this through, because it’s going to end up being pretty lousy for him, too!

He’ll be tired on the swap over day and then having to look after a 1 year old. He’s never have any time to himself - no gym, no quiet coffee, definitely no dates or nights out to the pub.

So yeah, I think he HAS suggested it to be petty and difficult rather than anything else. I mean unless he plans to fob off your child to his parents on a regular basis. Is that likely, OP?

@FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo

It’s very clear the ex hasn’t thought any of this through, because it’s going to end up being pretty lousy for him, too!

He’ll be tired on the swap over day and then having to look after a 1 year old. He’s never have any time to himself - no gym, no quiet coffee, definitely no dates or nights out to the pub.

So yeah, I think he HAS suggested it to be petty and difficult rather than anything else. I mean unless he plans to fob off your child to his parents on a regular basis. Is that likely, OP?

I had a friend who had EXACTLY this set up. And loved it. Because he wanted to spend the most time possible with his child. And his social life was mainly doing fun things with his child and often other families. Just because some men are dicks doesn’t mean they all are.

@SinoohXaenaHide

I don't think the EOW plan would work in practice because half the time "his" weekends would fall on days that he is working 12 hour shifts.

OP do you have paid employment lined up or are you going to be job hunting?

I think the best arrangement in the interests of the child is for mum to be the main resident parent, but going to dad for 48 hours each week timed somewhat flexibly to fit in with dad's shifts. Dad pays CM on the basis of the child being with mum 5 days out of 7, and also pays a 50% share of the cost of a nursery/childminder place for all of mum's working hours because the variable arrangement means that childcare will have to be paid for even when not needed. NB both parents can use the government scheme to pay for this from pre-tax income which makes it a lot cheaper.

Mum seeks a job with family friendly hours if possible e.g. 9-4 M-Th which would be 26 hrs a week and paying hopefully enough to make ends meet in combination with the child maintenance.

Working out the exact details and balancing things out will depend on the hours and location of Mum's employment so can't be resolved on this thread, but it is resolvable if you both put the child first.

Well, if you put the child and the dad first.this arrangement is pretty much a good old put mum last, mums don’t deserve real jobs. He’s not her partner, he doesnt support her financially, of course put the child first but she should not have to sacrifice her earning potential to continue enabling his like a financially supported partner would.

Move wherever you like OP, anyone would think some of these posters thought you were moving to Mars for gods sake! They are not you, its not far and can be worked through. Do what's best for you. Don't be bullied, everyone's situation is unique to them.

EOW might not be ideal for someone who does 4 on 4 off but ultimately if mum wants to move realistically EOW or similar is really the only option.

The Dad will have to fix his access days, could be they are more flexible at holidays but the child's week can't be entirely dictated by Dads shifts

That would be horrible to attempt to find childcare around unless you were conveniently working opposite shifts. You could only really do school hours. It seems that he gets everything his own way. No childcare problems on his working days and no maintenance.

Some horrible people on here. You sound very reasonable to me OP. He doesn't. I would continue with your plans to move home to where your family are and build a contact pattern following that.

For those saying dad should get EOW

Works Mon - Thurs, off Friday to Mon (has child Sat / Sun)
Works Tues - Fri, off Sat to Tuesday (not his weekend)
Works Wed - Sat, off Sun - Wed (gets child for Sun - and he and child have do to 3 hours of driving that day)
Works Thurs - Sun, off Mon - Thursday (not his weekend)
Works Fri - Mon, off Tuesday to Friday (his weekend but he is working)
Works Sat - Tuesday, off Wed - Sat (not his weekend)
Works Sun - Wed, off Thurs - Sun (has his kid)

So every 7 weeks, he gets to see his child for 5 days with one of those days being half spent on the road.

And that is what is seen as fair? That is how shared custody should work? And that he should be paying for childcare on all the days he has off and would take the child but that he shouldn't be allowed any access on his days off because that isn't fair to the mom.

@Mrbob Great for him. I’d suggest that is vanishingly rare for either parent though. Everyone to function needs a little bit of their own personal time to be a good parent (the aeroplane mask situation). So great, but until you’ve done the full-on work/child/sleep routine by yourself (I have) it’s easy to say it’s ideal and it’s another thing in practice.

@Midlifemusings that's a very good post.

Of that 7 week pattern he could easily have the child weekend 1, 2, 6 & 7. The issue is weekends 3, 4, & 5 , if he managed to do something midweek on week 4 off Monday- Thursday that would avoid a huge gab between weekend 2 & 6.

I'm sure they'll could work something out if they put their minds to it.

@Lockdownbear

The above posters have said it wouldn't be fair for mom to only have the child during the week when she is working and would only see him after work so they don't want dad getting anymore than every other weekend because it wouldn't be fair to mom to not have him for weekends as well when she is off work. The posters I was responding to say he shouldn't be allowed to have his child on his days off during the week because it wouldn't be fair that he didn't also have to arrange childcare in his city - hence why they feel he shouldn't be allowed more than every other weekend access.

I hope OP isn't as rigid as many of the posters who keep insisting she should not in any way work with this schedule or take his schedule into account and she should only do what works best for her. It is absolutely not in the best interest of the child to be kept from his father who wants to see him and the couples I know who co-parent successfully work together - not intentionally against each other.

They are separating. It is not the OP's job to facilitate this man's career anymore.

If he wants to see more of his child, he could always change jobs to one that allows more easily for a shared care arrangement.

The OP is under no obligation to run herself ragged to support his work arrangements when there's not a chance in hell he'll be doing the same for her.

Many, many women have to choose less well-paid jobs which are flexible so they can be around for their children. Why should this man be any different?

The OP is not his nanny and he is not paying her. If the result of this arrangement is to make it hard for the OP to get a proper job and afford childcare in circumstances where she is receiving zero maintenance, then she should tell him where to go.

@SinoohXaenaHide

Mum seeks a job with family friendly hours if possible e.g. 9-4 M-Th which would be 26 hrs a week and paying hopefully enough to make ends meet in combination with the child maintenance.

Why should 'mum' only work 26 hours a week?? Can't mum have a full time job??

@HouseOfFire. Agree completely.

The OP can easily have a full-time job and organise conventional childcare if she's not busy arsing around trying to facilitate both her ex's job and his desire to pay zero maintenance.

She's going to have to support herself and her DC from now on... why should she accept the ridiculous limitations of his work schedule when she's not benefiting from his job?

@Midlifemusings Definitely a balance needs struck but the mum should move to be where she wants to be.

Once the child is in nursery it would be unfair for them to miss nursery for so many mid weeks, and they definitely can't flex when they go into school but then schools do have lots of days off.

People do manage to maintain relationships with children living a distance apart but Op needs to do what is right for her, move then worry about it.

They are separating. It is not the OP's job to facilitate this man's career anymore
Not his job to facilitate hers either. He shouldn’t have to trail after her.
This is 50:50. Two parents. Neither has more or less rights. The child needs to have the love and support and presence of his parents. Whatever makes that most likely to happen is the answer

The reality is that unless her ex is willing to be primary carer and the OP have EOW, he can't stop the OP moving.

It’s the 4 on off that causes issues as 7 days in a week

I think I would suggest 3 or 3.5 /3.5 or 4 set days depending if must have 50/50 or be happy more 40/60 or 45/55

Both to have a weekend night

So maybe dad wed thur fri and half sat till 1pm

Mum 1pm sat sun mon tue

But to both pay towards childcare and then if dad isn’t working he can do the day shift and not use childcare but pay

@Kimberleysmith what hours do you do or will you do / mon to fri or part time

Again if part time the days you don’t work see your child but obv between you ans ex pay for 5 days childcare

I also don’t think it’s terrible to move 1.5hrs away

Both meet in the middle for a drop off so 45mins each way

Makes sense in my head. Not sure when written out :)

@Blondeshavemorefun

I also don’t think it’s terrible to move 1.5hrs away

Both meet in the middle for a drop off so 45mins each way

It's still 3 hours travelling for the child every time he sees the other parent.

[quote SofiaMichelle]@Blondeshavemorefun

I also don’t think it’s terrible to move 1.5hrs away

Both meet in the middle for a drop off so 45mins each way

It's still 3 hours travelling for the child every time he sees the other parent.[/quote]
not daily though, its 45 minutes to be dropped off, and 45 to be collected (1.5) and then back a few days later

A 3 hour round trip once a week is fine (for both parents and child). Parents meet halfway to exchange child.

Many people have a 90 minute commute each way for work and they manage.

It shouldn't get in the way of 50/50 care if both parents are dedicated to this.

So it's not a reason for the OP to be prevented from moving closer to her family.