Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

[Kimberleysmith]

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

@SausageSizzle

A 3 hour round trip once a week is fine (for both parents and child). Parents meet halfway to exchange child.

Many people have a 90 minute commute each way for work and they manage.

It shouldn't get in the way of 50/50 care if both parents are dedicated to this.

So it's not a reason for the OP to be prevented from moving closer to her family.

Only thing is though the distance will make it incredibly hard for the child to have regular contact with his dad, since he's a shift worker.

Even without shift work, once the child starts school the distance effectively rules the dad out of weekday time together, and if his shifts don't fall so weekends are available then it could be really tricky for the child to get any proper time with him at all some months. Even every other weekend is likely not possible to guarantee with that sort of job.

I definitely don't think OP should be prohibited from moving but I do think there needs to be discussion between both parents as to how it can actually work logistically.

At the moment it seems both parents are just thinking mainly of themselves rather than how their son can have a strong relationship with both of them.

Further to above, I'm not saying mum should completely accommodate dad above her own wants and needs in all of this, but just that realistically when you have a child with someone and then split up, you do have to consider the realities of your own individual situation.

In this case, I'd say that the dad's job means mum can't really move 90 mins away without severely impacting her son's right to have regular time with his dad.

So I'd say - Is there somewhere in the middle OP could live which only leaves 45 mins to her own family but also only 45 mins for dad to pick up/drop to school when that becomes relevant?

Dad may find that he has to choose between 50/50 and shift work.

There's a reason that the primary carers of children often have to take lower-paid, family friendly jobs.

@SausageSizzle I agree that if he genuinely wants 50/50 then shift work probably won't work out, unless he is happy to pay 50/50 with OP for regular childcare around her job, which will allow them both the freedom to work. This is what I'd offer in his shoes.

However, even without shift work, living 90 mins away it's impossible to do 50/50 once a child starts school.

For now I'd be focusing on how it could work in any way once their child starts school if OP did move away (all the way or some middle distance) and he stays in his current job.

[quote Lockdownbear]@Midlifemusings Definitely a balance needs struck but the mum should move to be where she wants to be.

Once the child is in nursery it would be unfair for them to miss nursery for so many mid weeks, and they definitely can't flex when they go into school but then schools do have lots of days off.

People do manage to maintain relationships with children living a distance apart but Op needs to do what is right for her, move then worry about it.[/quote]
I don't get how people see this as fair though when the child has 2 parents?

How come OP gets to unilaterally decide to take her child away from his dad just because that's what's right for her?

My DP's ex moved away to be near her family but it was discussed beforehand as to when he would have the children and how it would work. She would never have moved and just thought "never mind when they get to see their dad - we'll sort that out later, this is what I want".

A proper arrangement needs to be made before OP moves. Perhaps him insisting on 4 days is a knee-jerk reaction to being told OP wants to move away with his child without any prior discussion about how is could practically work.

[quote SofiaMichelle]@Blondeshavemorefun

I also don’t think it’s terrible to move 1.5hrs away

Both meet in the middle for a drop off so 45mins each way

It's still 3 hours travelling for the child every time he sees the other parent.[/quote]
1.5hrs every 4 days. Isn’t that bad

1.5hrs every 4 days. Isn’t that bad
take your kids liked the car because mine at 1yo would scream til I stopped driving as it was dangerous.

If dad wants 50/50 then he needs to take on 50/50 of the trying juggle childcare and work, 50/50 of the costs of being a working parent, 50/50 of the worrying about what you're going do when you have to work and your child is sick, etc.

@FatCatThinCat

If dad wants 50/50 then he needs to take on 50/50 of the trying juggle childcare and work, 50/50 of the costs of being a working parent, 50/50 of the worrying about what you're going do when you have to work and your child is sick, etc.

Hence I said the set days and then either work and sort childcare etx

And yes I had a child who likes the car

If a choke didn’t the maybe train etx

But op needs family support imo

Or

As someone said to move 45mins away so middle or where she is now and family

That’s a compromise

How come OP gets to unilaterally decide to take her child away from his dad just because that's what's right for her?

I am assuming the Op moved to be with the Dad in the first place, because it suited him.
Why should she stay in an area she has no connections too? Why shouldn't she move home? Where she has a support network?

It's important that the Op is supported where she lives. 90 mins away isn't exactly the other side of the world.

Some children grow up with parents much further apart and seem to be able to make it work.

@Lockdownbear

How come OP gets to unilaterally decide to take her child away from his dad just because that's what's right for her?

I am assuming the Op moved to be with the Dad in the first place, because it suited him.
Why should she stay in an area she has no connections too? Why shouldn't she move home? Where she has a support network?

It's important that the Op is supported where she lives. 90 mins away isn't exactly the other side of the world.

Some children grow up with parents much further apart and seem to be able to make it work.

its important that the father is also supported, OP agreed to move to be with him!

(I'm only basing this on him not being an arse)

@Lockdownbear

How come OP gets to unilaterally decide to take her child away from his dad just because that's what's right for her?

I am assuming the Op moved to be with the Dad in the first place, because it suited him.
Why should she stay in an area she has no connections too? Why shouldn't she move home? Where she has a support network?

It's important that the Op is supported where she lives. 90 mins away isn't exactly the other side of the world.

Some children grow up with parents much further apart and seem to be able to make it work.

She has got a connection to the area though, it is where the father of her child lives, it is where her child was born, it is where she is living, it isn't just some random place that people are suggesting she moves to.

OP is not the father's unpaid nanny. She doesn't have to put her life on hold to facilitate his irregular shift patterns. She no longer has to support the father in his job... he can rely on his own family like she is planning to.

No problem with a 50/50 arrangement but it needs to be regular days so the OP can plan. Then she can pay for her nursery days and he can pay for his nursery days (and use them when he needs them).

They can reassess when the child starts school. It may be that one parent has got bored of doing 50/50 care by then or decided the reality doesn't work with their work patterns.

@SausageSizzle

OP is not the father's unpaid nanny. She doesn't have to put her life on hold to facilitate his irregular shift patterns. She no longer has to support the father in his job... he can rely on his own family like she is planning to.

No problem with a 50/50 arrangement but it needs to be regular days so the OP can plan. Then she can pay for her nursery days and he can pay for his nursery days (and use them when he needs them).

They can reassess when the child starts school. It may be that one parent has got bored of doing 50/50 care by then or decided the reality doesn't work with their work patterns.

Exactly this.

He doesn't get to have a rotating 4 days, depending upon his shifts, and expect the OP to jump and cover the other 4 rotating days. She has her own job and life to work around.

If he wants 50/50 time with the children, they have to be set days and he'll have to cope with ensuring he has childcare when he's working, just like she has to.

@SausageSizzle

They are separating. It is not the OP's job to facilitate this man's career anymore.

If he wants to see more of his child, he could always change jobs to one that allows more easily for a shared care arrangement.

The OP is under no obligation to run herself ragged to support his work arrangements when there's not a chance in hell he'll be doing the same for her.

Many, many women have to choose less well-paid jobs which are flexible so they can be around for their children. Why should this man be any different?

The OP is not his nanny and he is not paying her. If the result of this arrangement is to make it hard for the OP to get a proper job and afford childcare in circumstances where she is receiving zero maintenance, then she should tell him where to go.

If she moves away he still won't be able to have much contact with his child will he even if he does a Mon - Fri 9 -5, EOW probably. Even difficult to do the few hours midweek that days often seem to get as he'd be leaving work, driving 90 minutes so probably child's bedtime by the time he gets there or soon after.

She doesn't need to give up her career but moving 90 minutes away isn't going to make it possible for him to have reasonable access.

She has got a connection to the area though, it is where the father of her child lives, it is where her child was born, it is where she is living, it isn't just some random place that people are suggesting she moves to.

That connection (dad) is maybe what OP doesn't want right now (broken down relationship with a new baby) Their child is 1 FGS. It's not comparable to your home town is it.

90 minutes is a short distance. I know lots of people who commute double that every day. I have no idea why people are making out that she's stealing his baby and taking them to the ends of the earth. Lots of parents doing EOW have 4-6 hour round trips. They just have to make it work with their jobs.

It's highly unlikely a court would prevent the OP moving that distance.

90 minutes is a short distance

It isn’t if you want to be able to see your child regularly.

O/p have you thought about what you’ll do if your child is sick, off school, or needs care and you need to work? Will your family be able to help you out there? If your ex is days off it will me much easier for him to have a sick child than try and find a family member who a) isn’t working and b) is fine about looking after your ill child.

What about doctors and dentists appointments- having your ex around will be more useful there as family don’t have parental responsibility- you will need to take time off for every single one as your ex won’t be able to help out for things like that.

She has got a connection to the area though, it is where the father of her child lives, it is where her child was born, it is where she is living, it isn't just some random place that people are suggesting she moves to.

The relationship with the father has broken down, that's hardly a reason to stay. The place where she happened to give birth again hardly a good reason to stay.
Op wants to go back to her roots, her family who are more important to her than her ex.
She needs to move she can't continue to live in the same house as the ex. She might as well make the move home.

If she doesn't move now when is a good time for her to move, to older her child becomes the harder it is for them to move

90mins isn't exactly 100s of miles

@Nomoreusernames1244

90 minutes is a short distance

It isn’t if you want to be able to see your child regularly.

O/p have you thought about what you’ll do if your child is sick, off school, or needs care and you need to work? Will your family be able to help you out there? If your ex is days off it will me much easier for him to have a sick child than try and find a family member who a) isn’t working and b) is fine about looking after your ill child.

What about doctors and dentists appointments- having your ex around will be more useful there as family don’t have parental responsibility- you will need to take time off for every single one as your ex won’t be able to help out for things like that.

I agree with @SausageSizzle. Unfortunately when a parents split up things can be cordial but what you have listed is rare especially in the early days. Its usually the mum that does all the appointments and so on.

You do know dad can move any where he wants at any given point right? He may have kids and drop OP and his current t child. This happens it's not usual... by any means

I'm shocked that people expect OP to remain at a stand still and base her life upon on her Ex... why should she?

Given the contempt this man has for the OP, it is likely that her own family will be much more helpful in dealing with sick days and other emergencies.

@Lockdownbear

She has got a connection to the area though, it is where the father of her child lives, it is where her child was born, it is where she is living, it isn't just some random place that people are suggesting she moves to.

The relationship with the father has broken down, that's hardly a reason to stay. The place where she happened to give birth again hardly a good reason to stay.
Op wants to go back to her roots, her family who are more important to her than her ex.
She needs to move she can't continue to live in the same house as the ex. She might as well make the move home.

If she doesn't move now when is a good time for her to move, to older her child becomes the harder it is for them to move

90mins isn't exactly 100s of miles

She chose to move there, I'm assuming he didn't hold a gun to her head. So she moved there and had a child there now it doesn't suit she just ups and takes the child away, it isn't just about what she wants.

Children have a right to see both parents and the father is just as much a parent as she is. Would you think it OK if he decided to move 90 minutes away and take the child or is it just mothers who have that right?

I don't think the 4 days on 4 days off works with the baby, there needs to be compromise on that but if she moves she needs to be doing the travelling and I bet she won't like a 3 hr round trip twice a week.

I would be amazed if he took the child and moved 90 minutes away. He has been used to having the OP provide 24/7 flexible free childcare up until now so I imagine the cost of paying for a nanny who would provide the same level of care would come as a shock to someone who doesn't want to pay maintenance. He certainly isn't going to get one for £300 per month or whatever he'd have to pay the OP if they had an EOW arrangement.

She chose to move there, I'm assuming he didn't hold a gun to her head. So she moved there and had a child there now it doesn't suit she just ups and takes the child away, it isn't just about what she wants.

Well that works both ways. OP choose to move to her ex and she has free will to move again if she pleases. Since having a baby changes the woman's life the most! In a lot of cases.

Bloody cheek. How many women would choose to be a single parent with a baby at 1 years old? Obviously there's been some issues here. The dad cannot have it all his own way and plenty of people do EOW.

90 minutes is not another country.

She presumably moved to be with him, he's got his job, family and friends all on hand.

Ops 90mins from her family and presumably isn't working at the moment.

At what point is it acceptable for her to move when the child hits 21, has her life to be kept on hold because she moved and had a baby? Because we all know once the child starts making friendships it becomes harder and harder to move them.

She wants to move and that's the end of it. If he was such a great supportive partner and parent Op would presumably still be with him.

Op happy mum = happy baby!