Is this a fair childcare schedule?

[RookieDad777]

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

Is money an issue

Get a maternity night nanny /mn in for a few nights

I can’t believe you have set hours who has the baby

So you work all day, yes you can have lunch and have a wee etc, but then finish, have an hour to self

Then have baby 7pm to 4am doing night feeds , have few hours sleep and repeat

You say baby is unsettles, are they hungry , have reflux, cmpa , overtired, do you swaddle

I’m all for a routine, I’m a maternity nurse but yours sounds insane

Yes mum has had a Crs and feels tired sore etc, but she should help you more IMO

And yes when baby sleeps, she sleeps

What I'm imagining is someone saying 'oh no' whilst looking at the clock. 'Not my time'

Where's the flexibility?

Oh, dh, you're knackered . Go to bed, I've got this. Or, dw, you don't look great, are you tired? Go grab a nap.

Or even, I can't do this. I need more sleep. Can you take the baby? Nope. Check the schedule. Not. My. Time.

Does your DW want a schedule...?
At this age I went to bed between 7.30-8. DH stayed up and gave last feed before he went to bed say 11. Baby would sleep till about 3 and I'd then get up.. Sort out... Back to bed.
Important thing is to try and be consistent.. Better for sleep pattern
We had no free time... After about 10 weeks we might each go for a short walk occasionally just for space

In six months or so you’ll look back on this and laugh OP. Or you’ll be separated.

And yes when baby sleeps, she sleeps but he can do that up to 4 am too. Between 10 pm and 4 am he can sleep whenever the baby does and then he gets solid sleep 4-9

It honestly isn’t always possible to sleep when baby sleeps. Mine won’t be put down in the day (but is fine at night!)

We had no free time well yes, quite. A 5 minute shower, a walk to the bins to put nappies out. That was free time at 3 weeks!

I do wonder if OP does nothing, DW has said you need to do more so he's come up with the ridiculous schedule that she won't agree to just to prove a point

@daisiesanddaffodils

It honestly isn’t always possible to sleep when baby sleeps. Mine won’t be put down in the day (but is fine at night!)

Ah but according to posters on here, SHE can do that for 15 hours on and off but the poor Daddy will have to sit awake and get no sleep because his life is soooo much harder

What the? Babies sleep loads. Just go to bed early (by 10pm if not earlier) and take it in turns to do the night feeds if bottle feeding, if breastfeeding she feeds you change and settle baby if not appropriate to feed.

What we did mostly though was I would go off to bed around 9pm having fed mine, he would then attempt to placate the screaming monster until 11ish when I would feed again, as setting in the crib was a pointless exercise l, we coslept from 4 weeks. I did 100% of feeds because I breastfed, but I got maybe 90 mins of time in bed when actually I usually watched tv. He worked circa 11 hour days

Hi ,
Not read everyone's posts , have you considered possibly reflux? Colic ? my son was a nightmare for sleeping we had to burp him for 45 mins some times he would do a burp quickly but this wasn't THE burp after bouncing rubbing for ages a HUGE burp would come and after we sussed this was why he never slept always crying he changed into a different baby (also was on comfort milk as constipated alot).

Maybe look up different ways of comforting baby , our son even now and he is 5 loves white noise of rain and water .

Is baby in an electric swing chair during the day to go to sleep? . I would try the burping thing just don't think the first burps it keep going even for 40 mins if you have too!

A baby not sleeping usually has a reason.

X

I think some of the commenters haven’t had non sleeping babies, so smugface comments like I put them down every 1.5 hours then at 8pm like clockwork are completely irrelevant. Mystifying how some people can’t imagine every baby isn’t like their own. And babies can genuinely not do more than a 15 minute doze until 4am then be awake all day too.
Op, it’s early days. Your wife is still healing. I’d make allowances for that. The 3 hours of free time is pretty unusual and makes me feel like she’s struggling, but she might seE going to work as you getting to do your stuff. Or, does she spend that time doing house or baby stuff?
The schedule will change and the baby’s sleep will change. In a couple of weeks I would shift to the dad who works getting more sleep than the mum, but still making sure she gets a decent shift of sleep. You could weight giving her a larger shift on the weekends.
Honestly 6 hours sleep was a solid chunk for dh at that point of having a baby.

@SleepingStandingUp

He's not doing childcare for 18 hours. He's "working" for 9 of those in the office upstairs which will include compulsory breaks and at least 30 minutes lunch. He can go pee whenever he wants in those 9 hours and if he's sleepy he's unlikely to be doing something equivalent to dropping a newborn baby. He's not even coming down lunchtime and after he finishes work when she's had a bad on her for 15 hours he's sitting about for an hour watching her / chilling with a cuppa.

Fwiw I think their schedule is shit. It isn't a phone that needs Manning. DH and I parent simultaneously. One of changes this bum, the other one gets the next one or takes the nappy out or makes the bottle for the other to give. A partnership not a job share.

None of that excuses your ridiculous and offensive comments that she needs to start start being a parent and a mother because she's "only" on for 15 hours a day, as if his 9 is superior because he has a penis

So many assumptions. How do you know I'm not coming down at lunch time? How do you know if I work in an office VS safety critical job? Please be a better poster. 99% of parents on here offer extremely useful advice with an appropriate tone. You should endeavour to do the same.

Maybe that's just how it comes across due to your rigid childcare schedule that you have posted?

Sounds great; for a week until you realise it doesn’t work like that.

This is a child not a taxi system, there is no schedule I’m afraid to say.

Just wing it. Trust me.

If you were my husband and tried to solidify a childcare schedule into our lives I’d just about finish the space under the patio by the end of my 3 hours free time..

So many assumptions. How do you know I'm not coming down at lunch time? I'm going in what youve said. I'd assume if you're coming down to make her lunch / have the baby you'd have mentioned it. Glad to be corrected.

Please be a better poster. 99% of parents on here offer extremely useful advice with an appropriate tone. You should endeavour to do the same haha yes the ones who say you're doing too much and your wife should do better.

You've failed to answer any of the comments that would help people actually help you.

What has the GP / HV said about baby not settling properly? What do you currently do? What does you partner want - does she want you to do more or less? Why is it this stringent split where you have designated hours rather than you work 9-6, she has baby 9-6 and you share the 6-9pm and 7-9am and split the 10 hours sleep? 3 weeks is hell - is she having 3 hours "off" because she is struggling? Has she spoken to anyone about PND or have you decided that she should and she's unhappy because she doesn't want to sit there for three hours while you do it all? Perhaps YOU should endeavour to be a better poster and answer the myriad of questions that would actually provide posters with useful intel!

How do you know if I work in an office VS safety critical job? And tbf you said you wfh so whilst you could be doing something manual the likelihood statistically speaking is that you don't and its pc / telephone based that errors will not equate to dropping a newborn on its head and a greater opportunity to drink caffeine

So @RookieDad777. How is your routine going .

How is your Dw feeling now

How is baby

How are you .

Please be a better poster.

Seriously? Wow.

First of all congrats on newborn!
This is the toughest part and I promise it will get easier.
You definitely need to alter your night schedule.
Your wife needs to be doing some of the night.
We used to do duty shifts of:
Parent A: bedtime to 3am ish feed
Parent B: 3am to waking
Our ds slept better through till 3, then quite wakeful so even though A had longer shift, they got less disturbed sleep. Then parent A would take baby for an hour in morning and let parent B have a catch up nap.
Arranged it so baby stayed in our room with whoever was on duty in bed. Other person slept in spare room when not on duty. Switching beds half way through night wasn't a problem at all as other person has left it warm.
Also good if cosleeping as baby has half a double bed of space.
Could something like that work for you?
I'd also recommend both of you going to bed really early for a while. Like 8 or 9.
Babies tend to have less disturbed sleep before 12 so the more of that time you both get some solid sleep the better.

I think it is madness that you’re working and doing so much at night. If you’ve got a remotely stressful job, you can’t sustain that without getting sick yourself. Multiple children are harder to manage on little sleep. I used to find it hellish having no sleep at night and then have a toddler bouncing in at 6.30. With your first, it is much easier but everything is so new and hard you don’t really appreciate that until you’ve had more.

We used to manage it with my husband doing bath bed and anything up until about 11 so he’s get a decent stretch. In the early days, I could be sat there in a dressing grown, snoozing on the sofa etc and it doesn’t matter.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Please be a better poster.

Seriously? Wow.

Yeah. It’s concerning isn’t it?

TheJackieWeaver
*MrsTerryPratchett
Please be a better poster.
Seriously? Wow.
Yeah. It’s concerning isn’t it?

I mean, for the record, I gave it th eye roll it deserved, but it does make one question how those conversations are going at home

As does the refusal to state what the new mother wants.

Quite

It was the "appropriate tone" that got me.

I hope you're not speaking to your wife like that OP.