Is this a fair childcare schedule?

[RookieDad777]

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

Ermmm you have a schedule?

What time does baby sleep? Who does night feeds? If it's you do you actually wake up before wife? Or does she have to wake you? (My experience is that men never wake up unless the wife kicks them)
Is the wife 'expected' to cook and clean during her childcare hours? What do you do in yours?

Hi

I think a schedule is possibly a little too rigid. The newborn days are really hard but it isn’t childcare, it’s parenting.

Would it help to relax a bit and just each do what needs doing?

When our ds was very young (and we got no sleep!) DH would have him 9pm-1am and then I’d have him the rest of the night. So we were both guaranteed a chunk of sleep. But apart from that just try to help when needed.

Good luck. It gets easier!

Oh wow!

Can I ask why you’re not both sleeping during the night when the baby sleeps?

I mean you could both be in bed sleeping between 10 and 6/7am and waking for feeds/nappy changes/resettling.

Why are you both awake for so long?? Surely feed the baby at night and back to sleep?

I'm very confused.

What have I just read. Why is anyone up at 4am if the baby isn't awake?

Kids don't work to this sort of schedule - everyone pitches in as and when.

Your wife sleeps when the baby sleeps.

To be fair uh a lot of newborns wake constantly in the night.

schedules are a good idea in principle but sadly babies don't follow one. You may end up with the baby during witching hour etc! Conversely you may be able to go to bed before 4 and your wife may be able to sleep past 4 as the baby may be sleeping then. I would avoid sticking to a schedule to rigidly for this reason. With our kids you would have got the short straw with this schedule but all kids are different!

Great questions.

I do the night feeds and sleep in a separate room with the baby. We share cooking and cleaning duties equally.

Just work on getting the baby into a good routine as they get older and take night feeds in turns?

Sorry. I've assumed you're both going to bed at night and you are getting up when baby wakes as it's your 'shift'.

In our house I went to bed at 10pm, dh did the midnight feed, I did the 4 am feed and dh got up and out to work at 7am, it meant I had 7 hrs uninterrupted sleep and dh had 7hrs uninterrupted sleep.

We didn’t have a schedule for the rest of the time and we didn’t have free time unless baby was asleep. Surely baby sleeps during the day meaning your wife can sleep then too?

I think it’s unfair that you have so little sleep and then do a full days work. Why can't you both sleep and wake when baby needs fed?

Is the baby not sleeping at night at all?

Please no schedule, just go with it.
The newborn stage doesn't last long and your not the first dad to be straight back to work, your wife will soon be on the mend and you will start to work as a team.
Setting schedules now will just cause arguments about who's turn it is to do what.

(Maybe I'm old fashioned & ive been in your wife's position but I just got on with it, it's a mums role to do most the work)

@RookieDad777

Great questions.

I do the night feeds and sleep in a separate room with the baby. We share cooking and cleaning duties equally.

Well in that case I think your wife has a good thing going. I was lucky if my ex looked after the baby long enough for me to cook! If she needs more sleep then she can sleep when baby does. That's what I did anyway. I'm still partial to an afternoon nap now. Baby is 14. Years not months

Our baby constantly wakes up so "sleep when the baby sleeps isn't viable"

When you say free time 1hour... really? Is your newborn not asleep at all during the evening?

Oh dear, I think you might be in for a bit of a shock 😂 I went to bed super early after baby’s bath, husband did the bottle, then another bottle between 11-12pm and then I took over from there. He helped me if we were awake before he left for work. No schedules in this house. I would say the first year in your child’s life is just about survival and zero free time 😂. It sounds far too formal what you’re doing, work together.

So you're doing all the night feeds and working full time during the day? I'm not sure that really seems fair. But yes also it's very rigid. You now have a baby, it's not 'childcare' it's just life. My partner would always do the first few feeds a night with both my boys - usually until 11ish then I'd take over, just to get a chunk of sleep. But even though our babies woke a lot you can still get a bit of sleep in between feeds.

There's no way the baby doesn't ever sleep?

A schedule is trying to be too rigid which is impossible with a newborn and putting way too much pressure on yourselves - you need to go with the flow or you'll regret this very quickly

I wouldn't like that routine.
Personally, I'm a light sleeper so wake easily and can go back to sleep easily. My partner doesn't wake up easily, but if he does he can't get back to sleep. I did all the feeds and would usually settle my DD and then DS back so sleep but if they were up and properly awake at 5:00am+ my partner would have her/him until I want to get up at 7:00am with a cup of tea. I would hate to have to get up at 4:00.

Have you asked your wife to suggest a system? What times of the day matter to her the most?

I assume and hope that you are not sitting up til 4am and then having 5 hours sleep? And likewise I'd assume your wife doesn't get up at 4 am and not go back to bed? This is a very rigid schedule and realistically I can't see it work.

I'd have done most of middle of night feeds during the week as Dh was working. Id go to bed earlier and he'd do the last feed (maybe 11 or 12). Then we'd both be up in the morning - him for work and me just get up when the baby woke. At the weekend we'd take turns having a lie in.

What do you mean by "childcare"? Do you mean paying someone to look after the child?

Ok so this is how it should go.....

Your wife does night feeds on the nights your at work. You both share them on the nights your off.

You help out with baby when you get home from work and you both do cooking and cleaning between you if your wife is unable to do it while your at work.

What your doing is not sustainable or required. I've got several children and never seen or heard of such a routine

Our baby wakes up every 2.5 hrs screaming for a feed. He also wakes up 2, 3 times when he's asleep so trying to sleep when he's sleeping just doesn't work. We try but find ourselves waking up every 30-45 mins.