Is this a fair childcare schedule?

[RookieDad777]

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

She’s getting 6 hours of unbroken sleep a night. That’s plenty with a newborn and quite frankly would be an absolute dream for any new parent. If she needs any more she has her evening of “free time” that she can use.

If she needs more than that I would be considering whether she has PND, which is why I asked if she is ok.

Your baby is 3 weeks old. Free time does not exist.

Your wife is recovering from major abdominal surgery while caring for a newborn baby. She shouldn’t be doing anything beyond that and should be sleeping every chance she can get. She should not be doing housework. Her abdomen needs to heal.

I understand the baby that just won’t sleep. I had one myself. You can’t have a rigid schedule. You’ve both just got to get as much rest as possible and seriously consider how to set up a safe cosleeping or sidecar crib situation because the sleep deprivation post surgery will catch up with your wife and it might catch up with you too.

The person who is working full time should have the priority for sleep. I've never heard of anyone whose oh has taken on so many of the night feeds. You're doing more than enough , don't take on any more

What’s all this sleep deprivation for his wife all about?! She has the option of 9 hours of straight sleep!!!!

How does anyone think breastfeeding mothers cope after a c section?!

Agree about the housework point though.

Call me old fashioned but if you are going to work you need enough sleep to ensure you're safe to drive/deal with customers/handle machinery or whatever. Depends what you do and how you get there, but safety is important.

I was a bit of a zombie in those early weeks but it was just me and DCs at home so I wasn't risking anyone's health. I take it from your OP that your wife isn't BF, or can express to a bottle? So if bottle feeding the baby can take enough each time to ensure a few hours in between hopefully - although nothing's guaranteed with babies....! I agree with PPs that you can't have a schedule, just try to work as a team and things will get easier soon, honest......

@RookieDad777, honestly there’s no scheduling at 3 weeks. Mine would have been cluster feeding the whole day at that point if I’d let him (I would have gone bananas if I had, particularly as it turned out I had a raging UTI - which the hospital had told me a couple of weeks earlier I was imagining 🙄).

This is not a reflection on you or your family - more the society we live in - but it’s honestly nuts that at this stage a woman who’s physically been through the mangle followed by major surgery, and emotionally probably hasn’t even begun to process her trauma, is looking after a baby for 15hrs straight without any break. No non-industrialised society would expect it of her.

Is there any way you can take shared parental leave for the next few weeks, or even some holiday? At 6 weeks things are more likely to have started settling down - you can start thinking about a feeding and maybe even napping routine at that point. Meanwhile your wife will be much further along the road to recovery (at 3 weeks she may not even know the full extent of the damage to her body yet, and infections are still a real risk).

If that’s really not possible: if you were my friend honestly I’d be suggesting gritting your teeth for the next few weeks and doing everything humanly possible to support your wife in any way she asks for. She’s just been through a hell of a lot.

and congratulations. It will get easier.

(And by the way: my own mother is pretty useless with newborns but one invaluable thing she taught me is that babies nap MUCH better outside than indoors. Might give your wife a chance for a break during the day at least if you have any outside space.)

@APurpleSquirrel

Yep we had a similar 'schedule' with both our DC as neither would sleep in a Moses basket/cot etc for the first few months - only sleep on someone. I'd go to bed around 10pm & sleep till 3am; whilst DH tried to sleep/feed/entertain & then we'd swap. Meant we both got at least 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. & no, it wasn't possible for me to sleep when the baby slept as I take ages to fall asleep & they'd often only sleep for short amounts of time, or in the pram when I'm walking etc. We finally moved both Dc into their cot in their rooms around 3months old (I know that's not the advice) but that worked for us. Both Dc woke at points through the night but it gradually got easier as they got older. I'd say yes you both need to get equalise amounts of sleep if possible & just remember it isn't forever. DC 1 slept through from 8months & DC2 from 1yr - but both had long afternoon naps too so that helped/s.

The last bit of this sounds brutal - you may be scaring poor OP....!

All babies are different and some sleep much better than others - but generally you'd hope for a decent night's sleep around 3/4 months? At least a good long stint from say 11 pm to 7 am. Before anyone shoots me down I am aware that some babies are much less easy - but OP can hope for the best until proven otherwise.........

She’s getting 6 hours of unbroken sleep a night. That’s plenty with a newborn

No it isn’t plenty. It’s not plenty even for people who don’t have new borns. Women don’t suddenly need less sleep just because they’ve given birth!

I used to sleep from 8pm till 4am (DP would do the 8pm and 12am feed).

Worked really well for us.

I need a lot of sleep (MS).

Neither of ours slept for more than 2-4 hours straight till they were around 9 months. We were both back at full time work by then. Was pretty hard but we made it.

For me, I think the long unbroken solo care times would be a killer in your schedule. I would personally rather swap more often. I learnt that my sleep came in 3 hour cycles as well (obv I’d prefer longer at once but we managed with shorter sessions). And with the “childcare” too - we just swapped regularly, much more often than your schedule. So I’d have baby while he cooked, then I’d hold baby while he ate, then he’d hold baby while I ate, then he’d do the bath while I stared blindly into space for 30 mins, and I’d take over and do milk while he lay face down on the bed, etc etc.

Maybe you could post what your wife would prefer? Don’t underestimate the physical impact. I didn’t have a c section but I remember a time about 7 days after birth and I was soooo sore and leaking EVERYWHERE and couldn’t sit comfortably and was too tired to stand, and it just made everything so much harder. It does sound like you recognise this well though. Perhaps breaking up the schedule a little would give you both more of a break and be less gruelling?

Also depends on your natural sleep patterns too (remember those!). I’m a total night owl so would def prefer to stay up v late with the baby and get sleep in the 3am - morning slot. Even though I was totally sleep deprived with 4 hours sleep a night on average, I’d have found it really hard to go to sleep at 8pm, for instance. But my husband is not a night owl so he’d rather get to sleep early and get up early.

This is the final proof that this place has gone mad.

How many new Mums get 6 hours of UNBROKEN sleep a night plus 3 hours of FREE TIME? Meaning a total of 9 hours of UNBROKEN sleep is available to the Mum if she’s really that tired.

Seriously, how many new Mums having not had to provide any care to their 3 week old child for 9 hours straight, through the evening and much of the night, would be complaining that their husband wasn’t doing enough?

OP this really isn’t normal. I would recommend you suggest your wife speaks to the health visitor or GP about how she’s feeling. She’s showing some classic signs of PND. It’s not normal as a Mum to want to be separated from your 3 week old for 9 hours.

But as others have said you should be doing most things around the house whilst your wife recovers from surgery. Where’s the time in your schedule for cooking meals? Is that your free time after work?

How many new Mums get 6 hours of UNBROKEN sleep a night plus 3 hours of FREE TIME?

Very few. But you’re misunderstanding my point. The fact that very few get it doesn’t mean that is is plenty of sleep!! It’s not. Not for anyone let alone when you’re recovering from surgery and looking after a newborn for 15 hours a day without a break.

Btw Op your wife, your 3 week post partial, recovering from abdominal surgery is perfectly normal. Please do not tell her she is ill and send her to the GP because she is tired!!

Could your wife be iron-deficient and more exhausted because of that?

If she needs more sleep she has the option to take another hour or two during her 3 hours of free time.

Partial = partum

@Kimye4eva

This is the final proof that this place has gone mad.

How many new Mums get 6 hours of UNBROKEN sleep a night plus 3 hours of FREE TIME? Meaning a total of 9 hours of UNBROKEN sleep is available to the Mum if she’s really that tired.

Seriously, how many new Mums having not had to provide any care to their 3 week old child for 9 hours straight, through the evening and much of the night, would be complaining that their husband wasn’t doing enough?

OP this really isn’t normal. I would recommend you suggest your wife speaks to the health visitor or GP about how she’s feeling. She’s showing some classic signs of PND. It’s not normal as a Mum to want to be separated from your 3 week old for 9 hours.

But as others have said you should be doing most things around the house whilst your wife recovers from surgery. Where’s the time in your schedule for cooking meals? Is that your free time after work?

One thing we did, which is working really well, is stock up the freezer with cooked meals so we just take out 2,3 portions the night before and it takes 15 mins to prepare. I would really recommend this to soon-to-be parents.

@RookieDad777

Great questions.

I do the night feeds and sleep in a separate room with the baby. We share cooking and cleaning duties equally.

Your wife should be doing this - you're at work she's not. C section will heal in another week or so

I agree, I think a schedule is too rigid; your baby's sleep patterns will change rapidly and you both need to take over as needed when the other is at the end of their rope. Are you working from home to give your wife a break at lunchtime just so she can eat/ nap/ use the bathroom in peace? If not, that 15 hours of constant childcare is pretty relentless, especially if you know it's coming up and you're struggling to sleep as it ticks towards 4am. Equally, you doing half a night of baby duty and then attempting a day's work is pretty rough on you. How are things divided up on your days off?

As someone else suggested, maybe get yourself set up for safe co-sleeping, especially if the only way the baby sleeps is on you or while being held. A baby monitor with a movement sensor also helped me sleep knowing the baby was OK, without that I felt so wired and panicked every time it was too quiet. It really will get easier soon as your baby learns how to sleep for longer periods and their stomach gets bigger.

Your wife should be doing this - you're at work she's not. C section will heal in another week or so

If DH had said all the cooking and cleaning was mine 3 weeks post C-section he'd be divorced right now.

@RookieDad777

That's not the issue. I'm happy to do night feeds 7 days a week since my wife doesn't technically have a weekend. It's the distribution of sleep I'm asking about.

Why does DW technically not get a weekend? Unless you are working 7 days a week any non working days for you should see you doing things together with equal time off from parenting.

My baby’s sleep went to absolute pot around the three week mark. Would only sleep on me in the sling and I had to be standing up and moving around - not really conducive for long daytime naps. I think I’ve slept during the day the grand total of three times since he was born, once when he was in the basket, once when he was in bed with me and once when OH took him after a spectacularly shit night. He’s still not brilliant with daytime naps but is usually good at night (just not tonight - been up since 345 and showing no signs of going back down )

MN insisted it was normal so I don’t know why so many are incredulous that no one can nap in the day with a new baby.

What’s your wife doing in her ‘free time’ I’d be a bit concerned about a mother who wanted 3 hours a day away from her newborn baby.

I’m also assuming you’ve been back to work a week as the baby is only 3 weeks old?

So I exclusively breastfed both of mine after c-sections - the first an emergency with a post-partum haemorrhage, the second planned - and both of my babies saw non-sleeping as an Olympic sport. I didn’t get six (or even two...) hours of unbroken sleep for literally years following major abdominal surgery and I am still very much alive. It passes and humans are astonishingly resilient. I went back to work full time (in a brand new job what’s more) on very broken sleep still, but I’d been hardened to it over several months. OP is really just being dropped into it so he probably doesn’t know left from right, but is presumably having to make responsible decisions in a role he’s being paid for.

Your wife may ‘hate’ the 4am bit but...she’s on maternity leave because it’s globally acknowledged that babies are fucking hard work around the clock. I really don’t think it’s fair for you to be doing so much when she’s essentially being paid for the extra burden of parenting (not childcare...) that a new baby brings. Since she’s not BFing, I do think you should just take turns getting up so you both build up the tolerance to the sleep deprivation, then maybe have a night or two a week each where one of you takes over all the wakings. It will also allow you to be more flexible as/when your baby’s sleep changes, which it will continue to do for a good two or three years.

And YY to batch cooking - saved both of our lives with both babies having a freezer full of healthy pre-made meals that could just be stuck in the oven when both of mine were new.

4am is the pits.

5am there is hope the endless night will end. 3am there’s hope of getting some sleep.

4am is that dead, still time when everyone sane is fast asleep, it’s eerily still and silent and surprisingly lonely.