Is this a fair childcare schedule?

[RookieDad777]

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

You have come up with a schedule, which your wife feels doesn’t work, I think you would be better of asking her what she feels would work and negotiate from there rather than ask MN? What has she suggested?

Sounds really brutal!! The night time is baby being held that whole time or is the person in charge of dealing with babies wakings during that slot?

This is a joke right?

On the off chance its not. I'd say wife does night time feeds but tries to doze so you can get enough sleep 4, 5 or 6 hours to function at work. She goes to bed early you can watch tv or whatever with baby in tow. Try and get baby to bed early, 7pm.

At the weekend you help with night feeds if you can. Let her have a lie in and take baby early (in the week too if possible around work)

When you get back from work take baby, do bath time, cook tea. Buy ready meals to make this easy. Its hard for your wife doing night shift follow by day shift. Get a cleaner if you can as that's a real burden.

@TCMcK

Oh dear, I think you might be in for a bit of a shock 😂 I went to bed super early after baby’s bath, husband did the bottle, then another bottle between 11-12pm and then I took over from there. He helped me if we were awake before he left for work. No schedules in this house. I would say the first year in your child’s life is just about survival and zero free time 😂. It sounds far too formal what you’re doing, work together.

This! No set schedule but early bedtimes and no 'free' time.

I would go to bed after the 8pm-ish feed.

My husband would keep DD downstairs until his bedtime around 10-11pm.

I'd then do all the feeds and if she was awake after her 5am-ish feed he'd take her for an hour before leaving for work at 6.30am.

He'd always bring me up breakfast and a cuppa in bed before leaving for work so I could laze in bed with DD rather than rush up.

Are you a couple used to planning and scheduling everything and sticking to it and now suddenly you have a baby that wont play ball.

6 hours and a 4am start is not that unusual for a 3 week old, neither is waking up that often but it wont last. You need to adapt and roll with the punches for this bit otherwise you wont survive

And I think your wife made need some help or a friend to talk too (this is one of the downsides of the current situation that she doesnt get to do this even with friends who have been through this)

Because YOU will burn out on that schedule

This ma sound harsh on your wife OP, as she’s been through a lot and will still be healing and exhausted. But IMO if she wants a few more hours sleep she needs to go to bed at 7pm rather than 10pm. Sounds like neither of you are really getting enough, but the idea of having 4 whole hours between you every day of childfree “free time” is crazy with a newborn. That time should be being used to allow one or both of you to sleep or at least rest.

If the baby is waking every 2.5 hrs for a feed would it work better to take turns, that way each of you would get around 5hrs sleep in between doing a feed? Or am I missing something here about what your DS needs?

*may sound harsh

I agree the distribution of sleep is a little off. Its great that you're being so caring of both your wife and your baby, but you need to care for yourself too.

I'd stick to the routine you've listed above or could you even do 2 nights and then your wife 1 night in a rotation, so you still have a night where you're getting a decent block of sleep?

Appreciate your wife has had a csection and is still healing. I'm saying this as someone who had an emergency c and a baby in nicu. It's hard but have to be aware of the health and wellbeing of both parents.

All the best

I had a non-sleeper too. I just went to bed at 7-8pm til she was about 9 months. 12 hours of broken sleep and lying down all night was better than a block of shorter sleep. When she was tiny DP stayed up with her til midnight ish, as he’s a night owl.

No one had free time, not with a tiny screaming colic baby. Cooking: shove chips in oven. Defrost something. Order takeaway. Rarely batch cook and fill freezer again. Cleaning: couldn’t be arsed, got a cleaner. Washing: embrace the tumble dryer and “piles of stuff around the house” life. When your baby doesn’t sleep, just SURVIVE. But perhaps with a less rigid schedule. And definitely let go of this free time, leisure time idea. You get that back when they leave home

We had a similar system when our DS2 and DD were newborns. Neither would sleep anywhere other than me or DH. Dd would sleep for longer stretches on our chest but Ds would want a feed constantly and both had awful reflux so we had to keep them upright after feeding.

We also have a DS1 so usually I’d go to bed between 8–9pm once dinner / bath / bed was fine for him and sleep until 1am (maybe 2 if my husband could manage to stay up that late) and then he’s being baby to me id sit up in bed with them sleeping on me watching Netflix etc. Then DH would get up
At 7 do the school run, breakfast and baby stuff allowing me to sleep until 9 when he’s leave for work.

It worked for us and meant we both go sleep. We did try it in reverse with dd because DH wanted to stay up watching late night American football games but we found I’m
Much better at being awake during the night and sleeping early so swapped back.

I think you’re doing an amazing job supporting your wife. It won’t last forever by 8-10 weeks I’d managed to get mine in the next2me for an hour or two at night meaning I could safely rest next time them

It’s bloody exhausting.

Firstly the baby will sleep better as time goes on.

I did prioritise my husband being able to sleep when he went back to work.
Very roughly I was in charge all day. He would make dinner for me and we’d both muddle through the evening. I’d go to bed early and he’s do the 11pm feed. He’d sleep while I did the night shift broadly and then I got him to do the nightshift on Friday and Saturday nights. On those mornings I’d be up early and give him a lie in

It was tough going. But got better.

Although your wife is getting a lot of sleep and evening time which looks awesome. In the absence of her side of the story I’d guess the issue is the 4am to 7pm shift without a break with a baby who won’t be put down.

In the worst weeks for us I slept 8pm-midnight then was “on duty” to 6am then dh did 1-1.5hrs before work so I could grab another nap then before doing the long day.

We tried splitting the night time in a similar fashion when DS was a baby, although my stint started a lot earlier than 4. But I couldn't continue like that I found it was more doable to have one or two nights full sleep per week, then stumble through the rest of it by going to bed super early.

There's no time in your schedule for showers or breakfast or anything else? You wake up at 9am and start work at 9am. How is that supposed to work?

Generally I agree that your schedule is too rigid. You need to roll with it a bit more. If you do decide to go with a rigid schedule as soon as you have got it working your baby's own schedule will change and throw everything up in the air again. Everything is a phase with babies. Let "this too shall pass" become your mantra.

Probably WFH euro

We had no family help and still don’t. Overseas and covid. It’s horrendous. My baby didn’t sleep either, at all. Not once did I or have I ever “slept when the baby does”

If you can afford it, get a night nanny a few times a week. As in a woman (or man) that comes to your house at 10pm and watches the baby until 8 or whatever.

Some people have made horrid comments, some babies are very easy to care for others, not so much. Probably they all had significant family help.

We had no significant family help. I had csection. I also EBF.

The priority in our house was making sure my OH could function at work. So he did do some later nights to let me get some sleep but then I did overnights.

The most challenging part of my day was trying to cook a meal when my son wanted to cluster feed....on reflection I shouldn't have bothered.....I should have shoved something in the slow cooker in the morning.

A rigid schedule will need many adaptions as baby changes and he will change. 3 weeks is very early days.

I would forget about 'free time' for now. That will come later on. (Are you not both so besotted you want to spend all your time with baby?)

Things that really helped us.....when OH walked in the door at night whilst I understood he'd had a long commute and was tired....if I'd had a crying baby for a while then him jist taking baby immediately- before he showered, changed, etc etc would just give me 5/10 minutes to recharge. Little things like that.

As for now....your baby is tiny. Your wife can lounge in bed with him of she chooses all day and nap when he naps. She doesn't have to give the house a full clean. She might not yet be up for hanging out washing.....but it would be helpful of She could as babies do create a load of washing. (No idea how as they are so tiny!)

No it’s not. You can’t be up all night doing night feeds and then go to work all day it’s ridiculous. You will completely burn yourself out and be no help to anyone. Three weeks is early days- you should be focusing on making sure DW is fed, has everything she needs and the bulk of the cooking and the cleaning. This balance then slowly evens out over time.
How we did it (absolutely not saying this is right but just an example)
I would get up in the morning with DS and look after him all day. Potter around doing light housework, rest and watch tv etc.
DH would be down about 530-630pm and play with DS, I would have a rest usually - maybe go for a quick sleep if especially tired.
Bath then into bed by 7, DH usually gave him a bath and I would BF then bed.
7-930/10 we had dinner (DH cooks), relaxed etc.
I would go up to bed around 930/10. DH would tidy up post dinner, hang out any washing that needed drying etc and chill.
He would come up around 1030-11 give DS bottle.
I would wake up at the next night feed 230/3 ish and feed him etc. Then back to bed until he woke up either for another feed (usually!) or up for the day.
Then weekends DH did lots with baby, splitting free time and giving me chance to have some good long naps! We would attack the cleaning of the house between us.
But it was flexible and that was the key, just keep chatting to each other and work out what you both need.
As time goes on things get easier.

OP I think what you can see here is that there isn’t one right or wrong way of doing things. Everyone has managed it differently and everyone has different assumptions about what’s best, fair or right. Ultimately it only has to feel right and fair to the two of you. So just talk to each other, listen, try things out, lean on each other and take turns at being the strong one. It’s not just about how tired you physically are, it’s about feeling listened to and supported.

@museumum

Although your wife is getting a lot of sleep and evening time which looks awesome. In the absence of her side of the story I’d guess the issue is the 4am to 7pm shift without a break with a baby who won’t be put down.

In the worst weeks for us I slept 8pm-midnight then was “on duty” to 6am then dh did 1-1.5hrs before work so I could grab another nap then before doing the long day.

Wow, this sounds gruelling. So you did midnight - 6am AND then from 7am - evening?

@eurochick

There's no time in your schedule for showers or breakfast or anything else? You wake up at 9am and start work at 9am. How is that supposed to work?

Generally I agree that your schedule is too rigid. You need to roll with it a bit more. If you do decide to go with a rigid schedule as soon as you have got it working your baby's own schedule will change and throw everything up in the air again. Everything is a phase with babies. Let "this too shall pass" become your mantra.

Wfh like others guessed. Flexible enough to be able to shower/make breakfast and look after baby during breaks/lunch hour.

We did similarish with Dd (DC 2) I slept 9-4 ish. DH did the midnight feed. We were both "on duty" from 5-9pm (this included bath/ bed for DC1 and dinner for everybody). However I had a 3 hour normal delivery and had stopped bleeding by 2 weeks (I did have a 2yo). After 4-5 weeks we started sharing the late feed eg: alternate nights.

@RookieDad777

Our baby wakes up every 2.5 hrs screaming for a feed. He also wakes up 2, 3 times when he's asleep so trying to sleep when he's sleeping just doesn't work. We try but find ourselves waking up every 30-45 mins.

I initially assumed that the baby only sleeps on a person so that was why all night time was awake time for one adult, but from this I'm not sure that is the case? If baby is sleeping not on a person then, crap as it is, you both have to learn to accept that interrupted sleep - even very frequently interrupted sleep - is sleep and is better than nothing. Where is the baby sleeping? I find a cosleeper cot makes a massive, massive difference. I have a six week old (my second DC) and I don't stand up in the night - obviously this is facilitated by breastfeeding (and having all nappy changing equipment strategically to hand) but the flip side to that is that I do every night waking! But even if you have to get out of bed every 2.5 hours to make a bottle, if you can do all the other resettles while still lying in bed it helps enormously. Dozing for 30 minutes between wakes is crap, it really is, but it's so much better than being fully awake from or until 4am, so if it's an option (again, maybe the baby will only sleep held upright on a chest, in which case I realise it isn't) you both need to be trying it.

Your wife grew a human and then had major abdominal surgery. If she is says the ‘schedule’ doesn’t work for her and she needs more sleep then she needs more sleep.

3 weeks is so soon OP, hopefully soon baby will start to understand day and night a little more and things will get earlier for both of you. If you can’t take more time off, or get any other help then I think you just have to accept that it’s going to be hard for a few months.

This makes me feel really uncomfortable. It feels like you’ve come up with a schedule, your wife has disagreed, so you’ve come here (a place she uses?) to prove that you’re right.

It really doesn’t matter what anyone here thinks. Their experiences will all be completely different. What matters is your baby, your wife, you. What do they all need? Can you make that happen?

Fwiw, that schedule wouldn’t have worked for me as I’d have found getting up at 4am so hard. I tended to do all night wakings and then my OH would take the dc from about 5am so that I could have a chunk of sleep between 5-7ish. Getting up at 7 felt more ‘normal’ so was better for me than 4am. But if you’d asked him, he’d say that he’d rather have a straight run of sleep then get up at 5. It’s all about the context. Speak to your wife. More importantly, listen to her response.