Is this a fair childcare schedule?

[RookieDad777]

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

I've never had a C section so am perhaps underestimating how much worse her recovery is than mine (though I had a second degree tear that got infected with DC1, so it certainly wasn't a bed of roses) but some of these comments make it sound like it would be simply impossible to breastfeed after a C section because a six hour stretch of unbroken sleep isn't enough? I have lots of sympathy for how tough it is after your first baby but OP's wife is getting a longer stretch of sleep at 3 weeks than I'd had by 8 months so I do think the demands that OP get even less sleep to facilitate her getting her even more seems excessive.

@TheJackieWeaver

This makes me feel really uncomfortable. It feels like you’ve come up with a schedule, your wife has disagreed, so you’ve come here (a place she uses?) to prove that you’re right.

It really doesn’t matter what anyone here thinks. Their experiences will all be completely different. What matters is your baby, your wife, you. What do they all need? Can you make that happen?

Fwiw, that schedule wouldn’t have worked for me as I’d have found getting up at 4am so hard. I tended to do all night wakings and then my OH would take the dc from about 5am so that I could have a chunk of sleep between 5-7ish. Getting up at 7 felt more ‘normal’ so was better for me than 4am. But if you’d asked him, he’d say that he’d rather have a straight run of sleep then get up at 5. It’s all about the context. Speak to your wife. More importantly, listen to her response.

No, it's not to prove a point. It's to get perspective from parents who have been there and done it. Lots of great suggestions we can learn from and btw my wife and I are both following this thread.

I’m currently pregnant and if my fiancé suggested something like this I’d laugh in his face!

Why Bee ? Some people do better with a schedule, I am one of them. I know it is verbotten on here but have you thought about using the unmentionable book ?

It won't be like this forever. I think it took my body about four weeks to be able to sleep when they baby sleeps, once I did it was fine. Sleeping when the baby sleeps does work l, that's why millions of people do it. I had an horrific labour and emergency c section to compare.

It's great that you want to be supportive but she is on mat leave/not working to specifically look after the baby. You don't need to kill yourself sharing all the night feeds when she is able to recoup in the day and you're not. You should share/do the night feeds when you're not working. What you have suggested above would only be fair if you were both working full time.

I basically did everything baby related and my husband slept the night and worked during the day, did the cooking and cleaning. Baby was breastfed though so it’s different, co slept too with a next to me so no need to get out of bed etc.

We’re not schedule people, but with babies who only slept while held, we had to come up with some kind of routine as simply putting them down and going to bed resulted in constant crying. If we’d tried to sleep at the same time, both of us would have been awake constantly. It might sound unpleasant to people who has babies who actually slept, but for us we had to sleep in shifts. Luckily co-sleeping worked amazingly and we’ve ended up with two great sleepers.

Why are you not going to bed until 4am? I'm confused.

@RookieDad777

Great questions.

I do the night feeds and sleep in a separate room with the baby. We share cooking and cleaning duties equally.

Uhhh this could be my husband, does your name begin with F? Our baby is 15 months now though

It seems like your wife has got it pretty good to be honest. It's really difficult in the first few months but as you have to work and she's at home, she will of course have to be the sole carer during the day until you log off work and can pitch in. Free time with a newborn isn't really realistic and if she's that tired she should be sleeping earlier or using her 'free time' to nap. She should be feeling better in a week or so but she needs to keep an eye on how she feels about spending time with your baby. If she feels like she doesn't want to be around him, that rings alarm bells - but everyone is entitled to a bit of time away from a crying potato!

@ivfbeenbusy I'm surprised you were insured to drive 2 weeks post c-section.
Whilst you had an amazing, some might say almost unbelievable, recovery 2 weeks post c-section of twins, this is certainly not the norm and should not be held up as a yardstick for post partum women.

Well "free time" is relative presumably at 7pm she needs to bath/shower and eat before she can hit the sack at 10. I used to sometimes go for a bike ride or a swim when DH got back from work , DS was usually asleep to be fair and more like 3 months than 3 weeks.

As long as you tell the insurance company you’re fine to drive if you feel up to it.

@FabulousIAm

Going into work after merely doing night feeds is an actual break - getting up in the night with a kid and then looking after a kid in the day every single day is torture. If I were your wife I'd be going back to work and leaving night feeds and daycare to you. As someone who gave birth, works and did night feeds and day feeds by myself while also working, I think men who moan about having to look after their kids and also work, as they should do, are morons.

OFGS. This man is more than willing to do his fair share and it’s still not good enough for some people 🙈.

I don’t think you need such a rigid schedule though. Although, if your wife wants and extra 2-3 hours of sleep, she will need to go to bed earlier. You can’t survive on 2-3 hours of sleep before a day of work!

@Hardbackwriter

I've never had a C section so am perhaps underestimating how much worse her recovery is than mine (though I had a second degree tear that got infected with DC1, so it certainly wasn't a bed of roses) but some of these comments make it sound like it would be simply impossible to breastfeed after a C section because a six hour stretch of unbroken sleep isn't enough? I have lots of sympathy for how tough it is after your first baby but OP's wife is getting a longer stretch of sleep at 3 weeks than I'd had by 8 months so I do think the demands that OP get even less sleep to facilitate her getting her even more seems excessive.

It is simply impossible. I couldn't even roll to the side to get my baby for at least a week. I couldn't move and didn't have the strength

Wow, this sounds gruelling. So you did midnight - 6am AND then from 7am - evening?

As a stay at home mum I did pretty much 24-7 other than the odd hour in the evening. This was on top of cleaning/cooking etc

Come on guys - the responses here are horrible and you clearly wouldn't respond in this way if the mum was asking.
For those (deliberately) taking what he says as literal, it's clear from his question that he's asking whether it is fair that the baby is their (general) 'responsibility' during those hours!

Impossible for some condition

I lifted ds hours after my section.

@daisiesanddaffodils

Impossible for some condition

I lifted ds hours after my section.

Impossible for a majority

condition I’ve no idea - I know some women struggle and shouldn’t be made to feel bad but I was on a ward where everyone had had a c section and pretty much everyone was holding their babies fine.

I’m not saying that to imply anyone ‘should’ be but I think a lot or women get scared of c sections but they aren’t really quite as bad as they are made out to be!

The early days with a newborn. I remember. A bit. But not too much because it was like nothing else. The tiredness. The relentlessness.

I remember sitting with a spreadsheet trying to figure out routines for me. Routines for baby. Trying to figure out where I was going "wrong". Honestly. Trying to schedule drive me insane. We were all happier when we muddled through as best we could.

Week 3 is honestly the WORST! Your baby is going through all manner of changes - getting bigger, being more aware of the world, being terrified that they are a separate person so looking for reassurance. This means they need loads of feeding. Loads of cuddles and more patience than any sleep deprived human can muster up!

Fresh air can help a lot. Waking outside can help to bring on some better bursts of sleep so you and your wife can catch naps too.

It's possible to get a routine going, but not yet. Just survive for now.

The thing that sticks out most is that your baby is 3 weeks old! Everything is so new and intense as the baby is so young still. A schedule just doesn't seem that appropriate yet. Could you loosen or scrap or schedule for a while? Just go with it and you might find that one day one of you needs for sleep and the next the other does.

Also, whenever my baby cries in the night I wake up and am awake whether or not I'm "on duty". So even if DP does go to see to her I am still awake. for us, I see little point in us both having broken sleep or too short a sleep. We find it works better that I do the majority of night feeds/wakings and then he's more fully rested and can do more in the day time. He's work from home atm too so helps out in bits and pieces during the day. I can nap in his lunch if needed, as soon as he finishes work etc.
Obviously if I need help in the night or think baby would settle better for him then he'll get up as well.

Mine only slept in 20 minute blocks and screamed if you put him down, it was hell. It really messed up my mental health.
I just co-slept in the end, but I was breastfeeding which I think made it easier as I just stuck a boob in his gob and went back to sleep.

My OH also said that going to work was a break, and I agree with @FabulousIAm It’s far easier to go to work after little sleep, than it is to deal with a difficult baby all day after little sleep. Mine still wakes up at least twice now and he’s nearly 2 1/2!

@RookieDad777

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

While your wife is recovering you should be doing everything in your power to support her recovery. This is even more important if she’s breastfeeding. At 3 weeks pp, after a pph and forceps delivery, I was only sleeping and breastfeeding and changing the odd nappy when DH absolutely couldn’t. He did everything else plus his job.