Is this a fair childcare schedule?

[RookieDad777]

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

Seriously stop with the 'I did xyz 10 minutes after a c section' nonsense.
How is it so difficult to understand that we are all different, had different pregnancies and therefore a different baseline, and all will recover at different rates

If you wanted to find a way of putting another woman down after MAJOR abdominal surgery (and possibly a very tough period leading upto the surgery itself), you have achieved your goal and I hope it makes you feel better.

I say this as someone who was very lucky to have 2 straightforward vaginal births and was up and about within 24 hours and minimal discomfort. Doesn't mean another woman with same delivery should be the same.

OP, honestly drop the schedule when baby is so young. At that age, DH and I had a rough idea for the night with our first where I went sleep with baby at 9/10pm and would do everything until 3/4am where he would take over once I fed and keep her until I woke up at 7 or she needed a feed. With our second, I did all night every night (although I coslept and breastfed) and he looked after our older one. My rationale was that if he was well rested, he could keep kids whenever I needed a rest and he was around in return. It worked for us

Just to add, we had no concept of 'me time' and didn't measure it. We still don't look at it like that.

I was not apart from my babies much because they were breastfed. I would leave them for max 2hrs during day to go exercise or similar. Once in a routine, I would also go out in eve once they were asleep to catch up with friends for dinner. He naturally was away all day because at work and would occasionally socialise in evenings after work or seeing friends.

Try not to think of making it exactly equal but just being mindful of how busy or tired your partner is. I think it's very hard to know how hard it is alone at home with a newborn all day, especially during covid where she can't meet other people or go baby groups

My OH also said that going to work was a break, and I agree with @FabulousIAm It’s far easier to go to work after little sleep, than it is to deal with a difficult baby all day after little sleep. Mine still wakes up at least twice now and he’s nearly 2 1/2!

I think it depends very much on your job. The reason we did sleep training at 8 months is that I'd coped with the lack of sleep at home (not necessarily fully happily, but I was coping and doing a decent job with DS) but genuinely couldn't function at work - I was a researcher and I just couldn't do the concentration and thought the job required; I found in particular that I just couldn't write well and coherently, which was my main job function. I also felt incredibly unsafe driving on my commute. I think at this point, given her very tough birth and recovery, the OP's wife's needs are greater than his, but I don't think it's fair to say that the one at home always needs the sleep more than the one working because the latter is 'easier'.

riddles26 that’s honestly not what I was trying to do and if it came over like that I apologise because I hate it when people try to make out because THEY could do X so could everyone! I was just trying to say that just because c sections CAN take a certain amount of time to recover it doesn’t follow that they WILL!

I think it’s fairly obvious this baby isn’t breastfed. I must admit I don’t think the working parent should be up until 4am though.

daisiesanddaffodils my comment wasn't targeted just at you, there was also another comment about driving soon after. I absolutely despise the comparison with all things pregnancy/parenting related as we are all so different. You're completely right that some recover very quickly - I have several friends who were walking the next day but I genuinely don't think society in general appreciates the magnitude of a c section. Almost all surgeries are attempted via laparoscopy first to avoid the extent of muscle damage that occurs when cutting through so many layers and when that is considered, it astounds me that any woman is expected to be able to care for a newborn alone after just a couple of weeks recovery (if that).

I refuse to comment on OPs schedule as I don't know how his partner is in terms of recovery, other conditions or mental health. I believe these things can't be mapped out the way he is trying and both partners need to be mindful of each other - very hard when sleep deprived and exhausted but just need to get through best way they can

My favourite part of this thread is people who have never had a Caesarean section commenting on how you should and shouldn’t be haha...I’ve had two, both very different experiences. First when I was 18, up and about walking the baby in the pram to the shops to show her off within a few weeks...second c section baby tail end of last year and needed a couple weeks before I could tackle pushing the pram anywhere! Our bed is quite high and I struggled to get in and out it for the first week...

With a few days, maybe a week at mostwith first baby sorry not weeks

Ok @RookieDad777 so what does your wife want?

It's a mad schedule. I don't think your baby can be awake 24/7. No need for such a routine. If you are working you need a decent night's sleep. Do some chores and baby minding when you get home.

I'd suggest she goes up at 9, you take baby up at 12 so 3 hours to her solid. then you do wake ups til 3. She does wake ups from 3-6 then gets up with him. You do 3 hours each of mixed sleep with baby. You then get up at 9 (in time for work at 9) so get 3ish hours solid.

You come down at lunchtime and make lunch / have any whilst she makes lunch.

You finish work at 6 (do you actually work 9-6?) , Come and play with baby for a bit whilst she gets a hot drink / 5 minutes peace.

You alternate who cooks dinner / has baby and alternate care until she goes to bed at 9.

In reality you can't split childcare so neartly. You gonna not pee from 7pm because you're doing childcare and she can't hold the baby? It doesn't work that way. He's a baby. You're meant to love each other.

For comparison, when ours was little, I'd feed him at 10pm then go and sleep in the other room, leaving DH to settle him down. The next feed, DH would do, then the one after that we would swap. Usually 2-3am. Then i'd be 'on duty' until DH woke up. Once we were both awake, all baby/house stuff was a joint effort and we didn't have to schedule it. He'd make sure he was around for a bit before work in case I wanted to do anything, then he'd be home at 5-6ish and the rest of the evening would just be the three of us together.

I would say why are you both up until 10pm, that's valuable sleeping time! Maybe something like, wife goes to bed 8pm and uninterrupted until middle of night. You go to bed too though, put an airbed or whatever in with the baby. Anytime between 12 and 2, whenever the baby wakes you, swap over.

I can understand not choosing to sleep in the evening, I did the same with both of mine, even the terrible sleeper. I missed proper downtime with no responsibilities, just Netflix and a snack, more than sleep. And I was getting fuck all sleep.

OP, are you going to tell us what your wife wants?

Rigid schedules don’t work with a new born . You will both be sleep deprived. One of your goes to bed early ..... eg 9pm and gets up the first time baby cries after 4am . The other goes to bed at 1:30 am and sleeps til 8am . As the gaps between feeds improves the sleep will get longer. You cannot go to bed at 4am and wake for a full days work starting at 9 am. Your wife’s free time in the evening when you are both at home needs to be sleep.

Personally, I think that it's a ridiculous Schedule. You @RookieDad777 working 18 hour days and her 15 with time off is absolutely unbalanced in her favour. She's a sahp. Time for her to parent!

My lo still doesn't sleep through at 6. I did all of the wake ups and care for my lo, so I am fully aware of how tiring it it, but sleep deprivation is par for the course. She's a mother and now it's time to mother!

You having baby in the evening is great Monday to Friday. Even having baby until 1am,but you need quality sleep to maintain your job and income for the family. Her role is the baby!
Weekends share as you like.

Tbh she sounds absolutely off her rocker thinking she should have that level of dedicated sleep.

She's a sahp. Time for her to parent!
She's a mother and now it's time to mother!
What the hell do you think she does from 4 am until 7 pm every day?

@RookieDad777

Hi Mums,

This is a new dad speaking. I'm having a hard time agreeing to a childcare schedule with my wife, so looking for perspective from mums out there.

We have a 3 week old son and my wife went through a very prolonged labour and c-section. She is still exhausted from the journey.

I'm back to work as the sole earner. Unfortunately we have little help available in terms of family.

This is the most practical schedule I could come up with. My wife hates the 4 am start and insists I give her 2, 3 more hours to sleep.

Wife:
Sleep: 10 pm - 4 am (6 hrs)
Childcare: 4 am - 7 pm (15 hrs)
Free time: 3 hrs

Me:
Sleep 4 am - 9 am (5 hrs)
Work: 9 am - 6 pm (9 hrs)
Childcare: 7 pm - 4 am (9 hrs)
Free time: 1 hr

I would love to get feedback!

Thanks.

Well first off you’re going about it wrong. Once you have a child, it is 24/7 child care provided by you two. And “free time” exists as a weekly occurrence, not a daily one. As in an evening off to do a hobby or a weekend afternoon to go for a cycle. We also had no family nearby to help.

So trying to do a daily schedule and calling “child care” like it’s work just doesn’t do it. Being with the child is required and you just get on with things (housekeeping, shopping, walks, play) etc with child/ren by your side. With only one child, your wife does have the daily bliss of nap time/sleeping when the baby sleeps. Not sure why she isn’t doing that... So be thankful. I had four DCs and one is easy compared to four under age 7.

Anyway, with our first i was sole earner and DH was a graduate student. He had primary responsibility from 5am to 6pm for the baby/toddler. I had the primary responsibility for baby from 6pm to 5am. I then commuted to work at 5:30am and worked from 6am to 5pm five days a week at a lab, then get home around 6pm and literally walk in the door and take over straight away as he’d be out the door to go to night classes.

Night wakings we both did, I’d breastfeed the baby, then he would change the nappy and walk/rock them back to sleep.

Both of you just need to mark of who is it, when and sleep when the baby sleeps. Don’t try and block off uninterrupted separate sleeping time that cannot be disturbed by baby..that will end in tears.

Call me old fashioned but I think once the father has gone back to work the mother needs to do the dark bits of the night as she can sleep when the baby sleeps in the day while she's on maternity leave and forget trying to keep on top of the housework.
I wouldn't have wanted my DP driving his commute and working a full day if he'd not had a decent night's sleep. We tended to organise it that he did dinner for us and then I went to bed, DP was 'on duty' til he went to bed at about 11pm and then it was on me during the night. He also did a lot to support with the housework when I was having to catch up with sleep during the day, not to say that he did it all but we just made sure things got done between us. I BF but DD had either an expressed bottle or formula the odd time she needed a feed while I was asleep in the early evening. After about 3 months things evened out and I was able to top up my sleep in the day without having to go to bed in the evening.
It's lovely to see a man trying to support his wife and family, so often on here it's ladies sharing tales of their useless blokes not realising they have to do their share too.

For those telling her to sleep through the day, he's clearly said the baby doesn't sleep for v long, waking up even between feeds so there's no time to nap between wake ups.

@RookieDad777 have you looked into reflux etc?

Well yes but at 3 weeks old that's not unusual, it won't belong before that becomes a viable option.

I've just spotted that mum hates 4am start but is doing it- maybe dad gets up at 4am so mum gets sleep in then? If he's had a reasonable stint in the night.

@Heyha

Well yes but at 3 weeks old that's not unusual, it won't belong before that becomes a viable option.

I've just spotted that mum hates 4am start but is doing it- maybe dad gets up at 4am so mum gets sleep in then? If he's had a reasonable stint in the night.

I know, and I think it's important they figure out of there's anything else going on, I just know how annoying it is to be told to sleep when baby does, oh yo can just nap all day etc when you can't. Saying she should be up all night because she can nap in the day isn't helpful.

Fair point. I agree worth ruling out any underlying problems as you say.

@SleepingStandingUp

She's a sahp. Time for her to parent! She's a mother and now it's time to mother! What the hell do you think she does from 4 am until 7 pm every day?

For 15 hours of the day versus his 18 hours? Nope it's taking the piss!

I would say you need to to take it in turns more with the night feeds, she does the feeds when your working and you do them on the nights when you have a day off. Eventually baby will sleep for longer and wake less at night so will be easier for both of you. I don't understand the schedule thing and why you both don't just look after the baby together though, what is she doing when she has free time from 7-10? Aren't you just both together? Why does there have to be a responsibility that only one of you does anything for the baby at one time? Surely one of you could make the bottle while one of you changes the baby then whoever just feeds the baby? It sounds really strange to me that you don't just work as a couple to care for your child

He's not doing childcare for 18 hours. He's "working" for 9 of those in the office upstairs which will include compulsory breaks and at least 30 minutes lunch. He can go pee whenever he wants in those 9 hours and if he's sleepy he's unlikely to be doing something equivalent to dropping a newborn baby. He's not even coming down lunchtime and after he finishes work when she's had a bad on her for 15 hours he's sitting about for an hour watching her / chilling with a cuppa.

Fwiw I think their schedule is shit. It isn't a phone that needs Manning. DH and I parent simultaneously. One of changes this bum, the other one gets the next one or takes the nappy out or makes the bottle for the other to give. A partnership not a job share.

None of that excuses your ridiculous and offensive comments that she needs to start start being a parent and a mother because she's "only" on for 15 hours a day, as if his 9 is superior because he has a penis