Au Pair Grandfather dying

[kazzakon]

My au Pair has been with us about 4 months. Very sadly her Grandfather is ill in hospital and will likely pass away over next few days. She has asked can she go home for 2-3 weeks to be with her family at this sad time and then be there for the funeral (4 day mourning period). My husband and I have been very sympathetic but gently suggested she go to say goodbye (3 day round trip, which will conincide with a couple of her non working days), and then come back to our house and resume her childcare duties, before returning home for the 4 day period (5 day round trip). We will have to take time off from work to cover childcare when she goes to say goodbye, and then again when she returns for the funeral. We think this is fair but she is adamant that she needs to be with her family for at least 2 weeks to support them in funeral planning etc, and wants to leave tomorrow. REalistically, this may be closer to 3 weeks and regardless would leave us with a very big childcare problem. My husband and I are both in 'crunch busy' periods at the moment, we have no family nearby and I am loathe to arrange emergency childcare for my 3, 7 and 8 year olds as find such arrangements are unsettling and stressful for all. If she is gone for 3 days then back for a week or so before going for 5 days that will be somewhat easier but still prove challenging.

Our au pair is from a very close family, it is her fathers dad, it has been a short illness and is very sad and whilst we feel for her and her family, she will not be directly responsible for organising the funeral and I feel her request is unreasonable. The flight cost is not an issue, we are happy to help her with that, especially on the basis she will be making two return journeys. I feel we are being accommodating and sympathetic but no reasonable employer would grant such a long time off for a grandparents death? Her contract refers to compassionate leave being discretionary. Would appreciate any views? Am I being unfair in asking her to come back to work between saying goodbye (three days off) and the funeral (likely to be at least a week later)?

It most countries though the funeral follows very soon after a death. It's only the UK where you seem to wait weeks for a date. I'd be very surprised if she didn't leave for good if you try to impose this on her.

I think you've got a young adult, who may well be experiencing their first close loss, and need to go with what they think, rather than your childcare needs. And realistically, if they go for the first 3 days in your suggestion, what's to stop them just not getting back on the plane 2 days later?

There was a thread recently on MN saying people taking months off following the loss of a parent.

I totally get it will leave you in a big mess with childcare, but think if you impose too many restrictions on your au pair, she will just stay at home, and not return at all to your home.

Yes sorry - I think you're being a bit shitty to be honest.

You have no idea how close she is to this grandparent and grief affects everyone differently. Yes it's a pain to organise child care, but in these circumstances I think you have to.

The reality is, if you impose your 'reasonable' suggestion, I can almost guarantee she won't return at all. Then you're truly buggered.

Have you ever lost someone close to you OP? You're not coming across well, frankly.

You are being highly unreasonable. Even if she agrees to your proposal once she gets there she probably won’t return and then you will be in a bigger pickle.

Be decent human beings. You need to start now by being compassionate to her and finding a back up plan, not wasting time on trying to persuade her to do something she can’t.

I think it’s very unfortunate for you. But more unfortunate for her.

I think @KittenVsBox has said it very well and suggest you read it carefully before making any decisions with her.

Your post is well thought out .but ultimately you are asking a young woman to accommodate your needs over her family if you ask. Her to come back and forward like that she might not come back.

It might be her first death OP, and there she is a million miles away from her family really upset in your house loathing you for not letting her go. Everyone deals with grief a different way and I think you need to “allow” her the time off.

Worse case If you don’t as wel she will just sack in the job and stay at home which then leaves you high and dry.

you are not her employer.

Her job isn't long term she might tell you to stick it sooner than you expected give the girl 2 weeks off.

YABVU
You seem to think 3 days is enough to say goodbye then leave.. she will be mourning. You can't put a time on that.
Give her the few weeks.
I'd hate to work for you.

I also think that would be a shitty thing to do.

Op you're not coming across well. You are asking a young adult to out your family over her own. You say she's from a close family, well surely she will want to be with them. You need to get a bit is perspective here

Sorry but this is the risk you take with an au pair. You have a young person who needs more support and flexibility than a nanny or nursery would. You need to let her go, both out of human decency and because she will most likely leave you if you don't let her. If it screws you so badly to be without an au pair for 3 weeks you need to bite the bullet and employ a nanny where the terms can be more formalised and you are dealing with a most likely older/more mature professional.

while most emploters only give a few days off most doctors will sign you off for 2-3 weeks afterwards as sick anyway so even if her family was in UK she could easily be off for a few days compassionate leave then a few weeks sick

YABU you can't decide how long she should grieve for. Plus if she is an AuPair I am guessing she gets paid about 200 per week or maybe less. If you impose this her then I doubt she will be back.

If you want an employee then employ a nanny not an au pair.

I think as difficult for you as it is you have no choice but to let her do what she feels is right for her and her family. It’s really not your call is it?

The going back and forth thing sounds a bit silly - I can understand why she wouldn’t want to do that.

Was just looking at my company's bereavement policy - for close relations it is 1-2 weeks leave. So your au pair being away for 2-3 weeks seems reasonable to me, as she is a flight away.

Where I work you get compassionate leave for the funeral and perhaps a couple more days CL if you're lucky - for one up, one down. So for a parent or for a child. No compassionate leave for a grandparent

If you require time off for a grandparents death you'd either be expected to take unpaid leave, annual leave or sick leave (SSP) and it would be judged very harshly and frowned upon if you took the time

Indeed - I agree - shit place to work

Wow! If I was her I would pick my bags and not come back at all. You would have a much bigger childcare issue then.

Her grandfather is dying. Of course she should be given time off.

A similar thing happened to us. I let her take unpaid leave and got an emergency nanny to fill their place for a few weeks. If you were grieving would you expect to be told to go to work regardless or would you hope your employer somehow patched in some alternative help while you were away?

I think 2-3 weeks in her case is absolutely reasonable and it sounds like she's going to go anyway. You're going to have to arrange other childcare.

This happened to me when I worked in a Nursery and they were very openly rude and unsympathetic to me. I was only 17 and I had to quit.

How long would you take off work if your close relative was about to/and then did die? That's a lot of travelling for her as well as the massive emotional impact. Does she have any emotional support - family, friends in this country? I feel very sorry for her.