Au Pair Grandfather dying

[kazzakon]

My au Pair has been with us about 4 months. Very sadly her Grandfather is ill in hospital and will likely pass away over next few days. She has asked can she go home for 2-3 weeks to be with her family at this sad time and then be there for the funeral (4 day mourning period). My husband and I have been very sympathetic but gently suggested she go to say goodbye (3 day round trip, which will conincide with a couple of her non working days), and then come back to our house and resume her childcare duties, before returning home for the 4 day period (5 day round trip). We will have to take time off from work to cover childcare when she goes to say goodbye, and then again when she returns for the funeral. We think this is fair but she is adamant that she needs to be with her family for at least 2 weeks to support them in funeral planning etc, and wants to leave tomorrow. REalistically, this may be closer to 3 weeks and regardless would leave us with a very big childcare problem. My husband and I are both in 'crunch busy' periods at the moment, we have no family nearby and I am loathe to arrange emergency childcare for my 3, 7 and 8 year olds as find such arrangements are unsettling and stressful for all. If she is gone for 3 days then back for a week or so before going for 5 days that will be somewhat easier but still prove challenging.

Our au pair is from a very close family, it is her fathers dad, it has been a short illness and is very sad and whilst we feel for her and her family, she will not be directly responsible for organising the funeral and I feel her request is unreasonable. The flight cost is not an issue, we are happy to help her with that, especially on the basis she will be making two return journeys. I feel we are being accommodating and sympathetic but no reasonable employer would grant such a long time off for a grandparents death? Her contract refers to compassionate leave being discretionary. Would appreciate any views? Am I being unfair in asking her to come back to work between saying goodbye (three days off) and the funeral (likely to be at least a week later)?

I’m guessing she is young, purely because most au pairs are, and she is away from her family whilst a close relative is dying.

I think you are being unfair, unsympathetic, selfishly only thinking about you and the impact on you, and are likely to find yourself without an au pair at all.

She's an au pair, a young person living in your home in return for light chores and a little bit of childcare. You're not actually her employer. You're in loco parentis. So do what you would want another parent to do for YOUR child, if they were in the same circumstance.

Although it's totally moot, she won't return after the first period of leave.

I get this is inconvenient for you, but that's the risk you take when you have an informal, low-priced childcare arrangement.

Also why would you want someone to reluctantly look after your child? I’d rather have some emergency help from a different nanny who wasn’t grieving and who wanted to be there.

www.childcare.co.uk for an emergency nanny. Meet them and show them the ropes at the weekend so you don’t have to take time off work. If you or your partner can work from home on their first day then even better.

Why are you so reliant on an au pair? My understanding was there are supposed to help with childcare, paid pocket money and treated as a member of the family. It sounds like you are expecting a nanny for the price of an au pair. She should go home and be with her family.

She'll likely go either way. If you're decent about it there's a chance she'll come back.

I wouldn't want someone overcome with grief in charge of my kids to be honest.

Your au pair will be taking the time whether you give permission or not. Walking away from a grieving family when you're a young adult and grieving yourself is the last thing you'd do for a low paid, short term 'job'. Most people would do the same.

At least she's being up front and giving you the time to make alternative arrangements. If you try and enforce her returning, I wouldn't be surprised if you never see her again.

If you are lucky enough to afford an Au Pair (most of us look after our own children) - but if it works for you that's fine, can't you get an agency au pair for the weeks yours is away grieving? And she can return feeling that she is respected and a member of your extended family.

Pushchairprincess most of us look after our own children ???

Sounds very judgey against those of us who can't afford to be SAHMs and have to work full time for a living.

OP - I think you need to let the au pair go home, and you should make alternative childcare arrangements for that period

As Alhanes says childacre.co.uk or an agency for emergency childcare .

I would be sending her with my best wishes for the duration . How useful is she going to be if she's to'ing and fro'ing in caring for your children anyway . Let common sense prevail .

I get its an organisational pain in the arse for you but imagine her distress at losing her GF ( as another poster said quite possibly her first experience of loss ) , not to mention witnessing and dealing the added stress of close families distress . And all of this in another place .

Let her go and " man up " .

Very selfish. You are thinking only of your needs, and not those of someone who is going through a horrible time.

You'll spend longer looking for a new aupair when she rightly walks out on you, you're a horrible, entitled piece of work. Poor girl that works for you.

Yabu. Funerals in other countries tend to be within days unlike the waiting list we have in the uk. Considering she needs to fly home, I would give her 4 weeks off and hire a temporary nanny from an agency. Otherwise you may find that she simply doesnt return.

Is she an Au Pair or a Nanny? My understanding of an Au Pair is someone who does some light housework and maybe a bit of occasional babysitting in exchange for bed, board and the opportunity to live in another country and improve their language skills.

If the above is correct, then why is it you can't do without her for a few weeks? If she's taking on daily childcare and is indispensable to the daily running of your home, then why aren't you paying a trained Nanny?

You're being hugely unreasonable not letting her go for 3 weeks, and if you enforce this I doubt she'll come back at all after the 'first' trip.

Can't believe you object to a young person doing the responsible thing to go home to a) say goodbye to their grandparent, who might like to have his family around at this point, and b) doing the responsible thing and supporting their parents in planning a funeral for someone they were probably very close to.

If she were a nanny, she could very well me signed off sick in these circumstances. A nanny would be less likely to do it because she might need your reference in the future. An au pair does not need you for this. However, plenty of au pairs now ask for references from previous au pairs. Thus, even if you want to behave this selfish, it might screw you over in the future.

YABVVVVU

WTF? You want her to travel to and from her dying grandfather's bedside and her grieving family in another country so as not to inconvenience you or unsettle your own dear children?

She's an Au Pair. She's barely more than a child herself. That's why she's so cheap. So don't start talking about what "employers allow" - this is hardly a professional role. (And what you assume about what would happen if it were isn't necessarily true either.) Are you stretching out your decision on giving her "permission", telling her how inconvenient it is, adding to her stress, and making her feel like she's letting you down and worry that you might even sack her?

Also, who would be paying for these multiple short notice flights?

Your attitude is disgusting. Your lack of empathy and consideration is extraordinary and your selfishness in thinking only of yourself and your own family is abhorrent.

Yes, there will be some inconvenience for you, but hey, nobody you love died, so get on with it. And try to work on that selfishness. Other people matter too.

Honestly, I'm glad I don't know you.

Sorry, I see you addressed the issue of the flight costs.
That money would be better put towards longer term short-term cover, as suggested by previous posters.

Yes, you are being unfair. I wonder whether she would actually come back after the first round trip. I wouldn't.

Basically your family being inconvenienced is far more important to you than another family who's losing a loved one. Convenience v bereavement. I hope your au pair's teaching your kids kindness and compassion because their parents certainly aren't.

She's supposed to be treated like a member of your family, not a member of staff, so I'd say you are being unreasonable. Let her go for as long as she needs and be kind about it.

I feel for you - I would be buggered if my au pair had to leave for compassionate leave even for a week let along three weeks.

Are you a member of any of the facebook au pair groups? Can you look for an au pair who can temporarily help? Eg one whose family is on holiday? You'll also get more sympathy on there. On mumsnet having an au pair for wrap around childcare is akin to modern slavery.

So I’m the only cynic. I’ve lost count of the number of Aupairs who have had a dying grandparent and rushed off never to be seen again. Usually when they want to leave but don’t want to tell their families regardless of how lovely the families are.

Hopefully I’m wrong.