Au Pair Grandfather dying

[kazzakon]

My au Pair has been with us about 4 months. Very sadly her Grandfather is ill in hospital and will likely pass away over next few days. She has asked can she go home for 2-3 weeks to be with her family at this sad time and then be there for the funeral (4 day mourning period). My husband and I have been very sympathetic but gently suggested she go to say goodbye (3 day round trip, which will conincide with a couple of her non working days), and then come back to our house and resume her childcare duties, before returning home for the 4 day period (5 day round trip). We will have to take time off from work to cover childcare when she goes to say goodbye, and then again when she returns for the funeral. We think this is fair but she is adamant that she needs to be with her family for at least 2 weeks to support them in funeral planning etc, and wants to leave tomorrow. REalistically, this may be closer to 3 weeks and regardless would leave us with a very big childcare problem. My husband and I are both in 'crunch busy' periods at the moment, we have no family nearby and I am loathe to arrange emergency childcare for my 3, 7 and 8 year olds as find such arrangements are unsettling and stressful for all. If she is gone for 3 days then back for a week or so before going for 5 days that will be somewhat easier but still prove challenging.

Our au pair is from a very close family, it is her fathers dad, it has been a short illness and is very sad and whilst we feel for her and her family, she will not be directly responsible for organising the funeral and I feel her request is unreasonable. The flight cost is not an issue, we are happy to help her with that, especially on the basis she will be making two return journeys. I feel we are being accommodating and sympathetic but no reasonable employer would grant such a long time off for a grandparents death? Her contract refers to compassionate leave being discretionary. Would appreciate any views? Am I being unfair in asking her to come back to work between saying goodbye (three days off) and the funeral (likely to be at least a week later)?

regardless of how lovely the families are It seems unlikely that this is the issue in this case. All signs point to this au pair’s employer being considerably less than lovely.

I’ve lost count of the number of Aupairs who have had a dying grandparent and rushed off never to be seen again.

They're not prisoners. If they want to leave that absolutely their right.

How long do your au pairs stay for? Surely short-term au pairs flitting in and out every year is more stressful for your kids than a few weeks of different childcare?

She's far away from home which needs more consideration from you. She is alone in this country while going through major grief. No matter how accommodating you are while she is in your home, you are still her employer, and she can't escape to her own space.

You say other employers wouldn't do this, but people would be entitled to take holiday if they wished. There is also the fact that she lives with you and whether you think she is or not, she probably feels 'on call' all the time. It's not like a job in an office. She gets much less time off.

She is not obliged to put your family above her own family and her own wellbeing. Remember this.

Yabu, let the girl go be with her family.

So I’m the only cynic. I’ve lost count of the number of Aupairs who have had a dying grandparent and rushed off never to be seen again. Usually when they want to leave but don’t want to tell their families regardless of how lovely the families are.

The common denominator here isn't the au pairs...

Your post is functional but completely lacking in compassion for someone who is probably young, probably in a foreign country and not even a full time employee.

Yes it leaves you in the shit, but if you don't way to pay for proper childcare, then you need to take the hit when your plan doesn't work out.

Good grief.

1. You're being heartless. Give the girl some time to be with her family and grieve. She is not a slave, don't treat her as one.
2. In france the funeral will be within 6 days of the death. There is no point in her spending so much time and money returning to work for just one or two days. Besides, she will have to sort her clothes out and will need to help prepare for the funeral. With such a short time between death and funeral everybody needs to help to make the arrangements.

Arse is actually a good auto correct

I'm sorry but you are being very unreasonable. You have acknowledged that she is from a very close family and she will be devastated by her grandfather dying, as will the rest of her family.
To put it into context, my friends grandfather died last year and he was given 3 weeks compassionate leave from the RAF so I think you will find most employers would be accommodating in these circumstances.

If I were her, I probably wouldn't bother coming back to work for you if this is how you behave/treat her.
Let her have the 2 weeks off otherwise you risk loosing her completely!

It boils down to this being an Au-Pair Not a nanny doesn't it.

It sounds as though you need a nanny. I'm not sure you even should be this reliant upon an Au-Pair, especially with three children one of whom is only 3, when an Au-Pair ist just a teenager working for pocket moneyon a gap year.

I agree the Au-Pair probably just won't come back. A nanny would worry about references and gaps on their CV but an Au-Pair has very little to lose.

Aw, poor kids inconvenience to their busy parents.
Let the au pair go and then employ a nanny, you and your dh must be rolling in it. Stop trying to do childcare on the cheap.
Are your kids not worth something

She should pack her bags and go home. You come across as incredibly unfeeling and making it very "me, me, me!"

How would a nanny fix the problem? What if the nanny also wanted to take compassionate leave? The OP would be in the exact same position.

Gosh OP.
Find yourself some human decency and give your head a wobble.

I suspect this is a reverse thread and OP is parent of the au pair. I hate bloody reverses so OP is unreasonable either way.

A nanny would hopefully have a better contract so a nanny could negotiate time off. Not be expected to fly bk and forth to babysit which the op wants the. Aupair to do because compassionate leave on her flimsy contract is discretionary. The op and husband think they are doing this girl a favour

If she was a nanny being paid 30k a year then I’d think you were reasonable but given this is a young women who is supposed to be like a big sister, I don’t think you are being reasonable. I doubt she will come back if you try to impose this on her.

Jesus, do you have a heart?!

How would a nanny fix the problem? What if the nanny also wanted to take compassionate leave? The OP would be in the exact same position.

There is a difference between an au pair and a nanny - an au pair is generally doing it for the experience of another country rather than as a career, so it's not a job in the normal sense. If you employed a nanny it is a definite client relationship, and the expectations are different, with clearer terms of contract etc. They would possible also have contacts that they could use to arrange temporary cover if they really did need to go off for a period pf time at short notice.

If my grandma was dying and I wanted to take 3 weeks off work with no notice, I'm pretty sure my employer wouldn't be happy about it, though they would try and help and be flexible about it. Even if it was unpaid I would be leaving them in the lurch suddenly, and my contract does not allow such a long stint of compassionate leave.

So I’m the only cynic. I’ve lost count of the number of Aupairs who have had a dying grandparent and rushed off never to be seen again. Usually when they want to leave but don’t want to tell their families regardless of how lovely the families are.

This family clearly isn’t lovely and if others are similar, that will be the reason the au pair never returns.

Why don’t you lay off with the name calling? OP asked for view not abuse.