Au Pair Grandfather dying

[kazzakon]

My au Pair has been with us about 4 months. Very sadly her Grandfather is ill in hospital and will likely pass away over next few days. She has asked can she go home for 2-3 weeks to be with her family at this sad time and then be there for the funeral (4 day mourning period). My husband and I have been very sympathetic but gently suggested she go to say goodbye (3 day round trip, which will conincide with a couple of her non working days), and then come back to our house and resume her childcare duties, before returning home for the 4 day period (5 day round trip). We will have to take time off from work to cover childcare when she goes to say goodbye, and then again when she returns for the funeral. We think this is fair but she is adamant that she needs to be with her family for at least 2 weeks to support them in funeral planning etc, and wants to leave tomorrow. REalistically, this may be closer to 3 weeks and regardless would leave us with a very big childcare problem. My husband and I are both in 'crunch busy' periods at the moment, we have no family nearby and I am loathe to arrange emergency childcare for my 3, 7 and 8 year olds as find such arrangements are unsettling and stressful for all. If she is gone for 3 days then back for a week or so before going for 5 days that will be somewhat easier but still prove challenging.

Our au pair is from a very close family, it is her fathers dad, it has been a short illness and is very sad and whilst we feel for her and her family, she will not be directly responsible for organising the funeral and I feel her request is unreasonable. The flight cost is not an issue, we are happy to help her with that, especially on the basis she will be making two return journeys. I feel we are being accommodating and sympathetic but no reasonable employer would grant such a long time off for a grandparents death? Her contract refers to compassionate leave being discretionary. Would appreciate any views? Am I being unfair in asking her to come back to work between saying goodbye (three days off) and the funeral (likely to be at least a week later)?

That is shocking

If my daughter worked for a family like this I would fly over Immediately to remove her

This is not ok

Friend of mine lost his dad one day to another. Doctor signed him off work for a month ... and more If he needed to ... I couldn’t assist my grandmama funeral because as a pp has said the funeral In some parts of Europe are the next day. If my employer has asked me to go and come back within a time frame I’d have taken sick off

Wow OP

YABVVU - she is an au pair not a nanny. Your attitude is horrific. Let her go home with your support and sort yourself out some emergency childcare. What would you do if she was still in the country but ill herself?

I am someone who is 'typically' au pair age. I lost my Grandad last year after an illness. It was my first family bereavement. My Grandad lived with my parents when I was growing up so he was almost like a third parent. You never know how grief will affect someone.

Please be compassionate. I was ok in the couple of days after he died and it didn't really hit me until the funeral 2 weeks later. In addition my Mum had a really tough time and was struggling with the inevitable admin and if anything I was around more to make sure she was ok. Personally I wouldn't have wanted someone in my state to be looking after my children.

I know its not ideal and leaves you in a difficult situation, but I can see hers is more of a difficult situation. My work were really compassionate and I had the luxury of working from home and flexibly. It made me feel more valued and loyal to my employer. If I would have experienced pressure and lack of compassion my loyalty would go. In addition I probably wouldn't want someone looking after my kids who was emotionally distracted. If anything I would love an au pair with such strong family values.

Whilst I agree the OP is BU - some of you are being downright nasty. Completely uncalled for.

You're being perfectly reasonable! More than reasonable if you've offered to help with her fare.
Of course, it's entirely up to her whether she accepts your proposal. She hasn't been with you long; maybe it would be easier to let her go and find a new au pair?

3 days?!! You are being very unreasonable. I've run nanny/au pair agencies and the way some people (many) treat au pairs is disgusting. You seem to be one of them.

OP- what happens if she returns to her country, BUT, her grandfather doesn't die in the allotted 3 days your are allowing her back there??? You say that he 'might' pass in the coming days, but death isn't an exact science dictated by your flights and dates. He presumably is still alive, and I'm sure she'd like time to see him before he does go.

I think you are being unreasonable too. She is only an au pair. Look at the threads on bereavement - lots of posters think weeks and weeks off is very understandable after a death. You need to be more flexible. You save money by having an au pair but this type of things is one of the drawbacks.

You’ve made Twitter OP
Probably won’t be long before it makes Daily Mail. I would report your thread.

Hi everyone, whilst we encourage robust debate here on MN, it's against Talk Guidelines to personally attack other users. If you see any personal attacks, please hit the report button. Thanks

You should just let her go for as long as she wants. Her mind won't be on looking after your children if she is thinking about her grandfather and worried about how her family are coping.
If she was my daughter and you said she couldn't come for the time she has requested I would just suggest she leaves all together

If an Au pair is for occasional childcare and light duties as a sort of big sister I'm wondering why the OP proper ft childcare can't cover it.?

Aw, I bet there is no childcare and an au pair expected to do it. I'd want better childcare for my kids, I think most people would.
OP just concerned about having time off work. OP you need a reality check my love. You have 3 dc career not more important.

There is a thread on reddit called AITA. This belongs on there. Your being incredibly selfish. Reminds me of Sharon Osborne who fired an aide for not running back into a burning building for her. You're at that level of self involved.

YABU relying on an au pair. Get yourself some proper reliable childcare, send her home with your best wishes and stop putting your work problems on some (presumably) grieving teenager/ early twenty something. If I were her mother I'd try to stop her returning to a family with no regard for her welfare.

Thank you for everyones comments. Yes I rely on my au pair for wrap around care only - 4 hours a day, usually only 3, of which only an hour is sole care of all three children. This is a pretty typical arrangement to have in place with an Au Pair. I am simply a working mum trying to juggle work and children. I work shifts (as a medic) and have little flexibility in working hours.

The Au Pair in question is experienced, older than average, has been an au pair before for three years, and we have a proper contract in place. I appreciate in hindsight that my proposal is unreasonable, and was simply asking for views.

Subsequently, my Au pair has told me the situation is not as severe as she had thought and she has now booked return flights to go home this weekend to Germany to see her grandfather and other family. It sounds like he doesn't have a life expectancy of beyond a few weeks/potentially a month but my Au Pair is happy to come back and work with the understanding that of course we will let her take a decent amount of time off at a later date as necessary.

I think you're heartless. Your kids. Your problem. She's an au pair not a nanny!

YABU and, as a medic, lacking in compassion. Hopefully you’re kinder to your patients than you have been to the woman living in your home.

That's a fair outcome OP. I'm impressed you came back & didn't justify yourself after some very tough responses.

You were being highly unreasonable but the solution now seems a lot more reasonable.

Fair play OP, you took some pretty tough responses on the chin. I'm glad you've found a decent outcome.

There is a thread on reddit called AITA. This belongs on there. Your being incredibly selfish

There is also a troll on there under that name posting all sorts of banal rubbish.

I’m glad it’s worked out too.
Remember though - au pairs are not employees, you are hosting them. Whilst it’s a good idea to have a contract of sorts, it’s not a legally binding document and they can come and go as they please. I’d tell her to take as much time as she needs.

We’ve very experienced host parents - 7 au pairs over the last 5 years.