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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

P*ssed off with au pair - am I overreacting?

158 replies

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:19

Our au pair didn't come home last night and sent us a text at 23:30 saying she had missed the last train home from London - 45 minutes before the last train left! She was watching the football which finished at 22:30 so there is no real reason for her not to have made it home.

I'm irritated because I feel that we have been very accommodating and helpful to her generally and she has lied to us which is completely "disrespectful". It is not the second or third time she has lied to us, all about silly things. She is meant to be leaving at the end of the month so there is an issue about whether this is a sign of things to come, but do you think it would be unfair to ask her to go sooner in the circumstances? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

She looks after our ds for the whole day on Mondays, but we have someone else lined up to take over anyway. I feel leaving ds in the care of someone who is not honest is questionable, but again wonder if I'm being overprotective...

Any comments welcome! Thanks...

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Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:20

Sorry - "It IS the second or third time she has lied to us, all about silly things."

OP posts:

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 10:34

I'd probably let it go and just ride it out since she's leaving anyway. If you ask her to go sooner, then you might find you have to put up with an even more dishonest person.

Did her not coming home effect her work? For example, was she supposed to be working this morning?

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:44

Yes she was and the irony was that she made it back from London for 07:00 whereas when she is at home, she never appears until 07:30! But whenever she has asked us about staying out overnight before, we have always said that we would rather take ds to nursery ourselves, rather than be left wondering whether she will make it back in time on public transport.

I suppose we are quite keen to lose her because she is doing nowhere near the hours we are paying her for and the nanny we have lined up to look after ds on Mondays can start immediately if we want her to...

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soak · 02/05/2007 10:51

get new one in prompt!

wouldnt it class as gross misconduct and immediate dismissal paid up to date of dismissal as she has lied (quite obviously)and stayed out all night when she knows you wouldn't like it?!

she is taking the mick as she is thinking 'well i'm leaving soon anyway so what can they do about it'

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 10:56

Seeing how she showed up 30 minutes early, I think you'll have a hard time saying she has failed to perform her duties.

Was she hungover,inappropriately dresed, or otherwise unfit for work?

NAB3 · 02/05/2007 10:57

You are paying her for a job she isn't doing. She lies and you can't rely on her. She needs to go now. When you have your lovely new reliable nanny with you you will wonder why you kept the au pair so long. I have been an au pair, a mother's help and a nanny and I wouldn't have dared not come home or been late.

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 11:02

Surely you have to follow a disciplinary procedure, such as:

1- verbal warning
2- written warning (if it happens again)
3- dismissal (but probably still have to give some notice unless it's gross misconduct)

It is no fun to let someone go on the spot. No fun for her and no fun for you. Do you really want to go down this road?

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 11:04

I would however have a chat with her and give her the verbal warning. Have you discussed these lying episodes with her? Does she know you know she's lying?

MrsWobble · 02/05/2007 11:09

I'm not sure you have grounds for dismissal - does your contract with her govern her off duty hours so specifically that staying out overnight is prohibited?

I can see why you might classify her text as lying but if I were her I would argue that if I knew at 23.30 that I was going to miss the train - because of where I was at 23.30 and the time it would take me to get to the station - then I was being helpful in letting you know. Would you rather have been told at 00.15 that she'd missed it?

You say that she was on time for work and presumably carried out her duties as required - I can't see that you have anything to complain about.

If you want to get rid of her sooner so your new nanny can start then I think you could always offer to pay her in lieu of notice.

gigglinggoblin · 02/05/2007 11:11

have you asked her if she wants to stay? she might be glad to be let off the contract early

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 11:24

We don't have a contract, but the rules of the house we gave her when she started states that she is not to stay out overnight without agreeing it in advance.

The thing is that at 23:30, she still could have made the last train from where she was in London, but the match finished at 22:30 so there was no reason for her to still be hanging around in the bar - with her boyfriend - an hour later if she wanted to make it home. She obviously took a decision that she didn't want to come back.

We are going to ask her if she would like to go earlier to start with. I've changed jobs a few time and know that it can be really hard working out the last few weeks when you just want to go... If she doesn't want to go sooner, then I was thinking we would give her until the end of the week or maybe even next week to sort herself out. I imagine she will go and stay with her boyfriend so it's not like we are turfing her out on the streets...

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keepingcalm · 02/05/2007 13:07

It sounds like she not making much of an effort and insulting your intellegence regarding the reasons why she never made it home! You say there are other things and she is not doing in the agreed hours.
Having been in this position myself with Au pairs i find it easier to try and settle things quickly, even if it means Au pair leaving to avoid any further unpleasentness in the home.
if you could reach an agreement with her then I would let her go.

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 14:17

I was you a few weeks ago but our AP was new to us. Told her it was not to happen again. Two nights later, instead of her staying out at her bfs, he stayed at ours . Had another word with her, she apologised. I gave her a second and a third and fourth chance and after two weeks she wasn't changing (didn't help much, was always sick during the day but could still go out partying at night, the list goes on!).

So I told her it wasn't working out and that I would be grateful if she left. We were expecting full blown argument but she just agreed packed her bags and was gone that evening (actually came back for her bags the next night). I paid her til the end of the week. What a relief it was. I think you should try it.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 14:26

Well, she has lied before over something equally silly to justify a friend staying over for a second night which we would never have objected to anyway. We knew it was a lie because her friend gave the game away, but I let it go because I took the view that it wasn't worth kicking up a fuss about. The problem is that because she is lying over such silly things, it makes me think that perhaps lying is the norm for her... Will definitely see if she wants to go sooner this evening and then proceed as necessary...

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MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 14:32

Good luck - mine lied through her teeth - on applying said she'd never been ill the past year yet I saw lots of emails to her tutors saying she was ill. I should have left her at the airport when she arrived and announced she had thrown up on the plane

Oh and the camel that broke the straws back for us was that we defined a curfew for her (have never had to do this for any of our APs) after this episode and she told her Mum that we were "Weird" and that she had to be in bed by a certain time.

I'm sorry but if she thought we were weird the relationship had completely broken down.

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 14:34

Well I've yet to meet an 18/19yr old who doesn't tell the odd lie to Parents/Guardians...I told a few white lies to my first live-in Employer simply because I felt the truth was none of her business & I was 23!

I think I'd have a quiet word & let her know it's not acceptable, hardly worth upsetting the children when she's leaving in a few weeks anyway or is it???

geekgrrl · 02/05/2007 14:34

"We don't have a contract, but the rules of the house we gave her when she started states that she is not to stay out overnight without agreeing it in advance."

can you actually do this to another adult? I'm really surprised that you can tell someone what to do in their free time - I understand why you have this rule (and this is one the reasons why I wouldn't want an au pair) - but is it actually legitimate to stipulate this?

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 14:36

Yes but they are part of the family and you worry if a young girl is out on their own in London and doesn't come home that night.

geekgrrl · 02/05/2007 14:45

of course, I understand the reasoning behind it completely.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 14:46

She's 27 so not a young girl. The reason we stipulated this was because we were in loco parentis. Obviously, on this occasion we knew she was with her boyfriend so when we saw her bedroom was empty this morning, we weren't worried, but we have always said we don't want the stress of wondering if she is going to make it back in time to take ds to nursery.

It is the fact that we have been very nice to her and this is how she treats us. She has borrowed my car every weekend for the last three months, we asked her to look after ds on Mondays in part to give her something to do and more money, we have always let her have the afternoon off and picked ds up ourselves whenever she has asked us to. And at the end of all that, she just unilaterally decides that she is going to stay out without even asking us and then lies about it...

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ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 14:47

My Boss still worries about me & I'm 34!

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 14:48

Mumpbump, if she had asked beforehand & sworn she'd be back in time would it really make that much difference???

gess · 02/05/2007 14:50

I would have found it very difficult to have to ask permission to stay out aged 27 tbh. Or the idea of someone being in loco parentis at 27??? (I would have completely respected not bringing a boyfriend to stay without permission).

As an employer of someone of this age I would expect them to turn up at the correct time to start work, and aI would like them to tell me if they were staying out so I didn't worry about where they were, but I don;t think I would feel able to tell them they should be home.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 14:51

Mmaybe she was with a bloke and didn't feel like telling you exactly what she was going to do, so she thought missing the train was a better excuse. She came back on time. I think you're over-reacting.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 14:51

She did ask about going out because it meant that she didn't do her full childcare hours last night and we said that was fine as dh was at home yesterday so could take care of ds for the extra hour anyway. She also said she would be back after the match.

If she had asked beforehand if she could stay out overnight, we would have said no problems, but don't worry about coming back to take ds to nursery as we have on every other occasion she's asked for time off when she is meant to be working.

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